Courage...

It's taken me a lot to finally sit down and write this post, WHY? because I have no idea who even reads my blog let alone pays attention to it... Lately I have learned that it doesn't matter who reads it if anyone reads it at all. I have been learning that who gives a Rats Ass, if anyone reads it or if anyone likes me or not. Why should I have to be what everyone else wants me to be? I shouldn't.

I have spent far too much time the last few years worrying about what everyone thinks or how I come across to people instead of just being me and being ok with it. I know it started long before I met *him* and the drama that ensued that first year or even the years since. I also know its not fully his fault either. BUT I have realised that I am no longer going to waste time worrying about what peoples opinions are or how they think or feel when it comes to me... I am Me, I do not need to please everyone or anyone as long as I live my life right which means keeping my morals, having faith and hope, believing in myself and being happy! I do not have to consider things others tell me IE: someone telling me I shouldn't be friends with X,Y,Z, or that I cant do something etc. I have the right and will make my decisions based on my beliefs and what i feel is right.

It's take a long time to be ok with these things considering so much of it started when I met *him* and had people causing trouble left, right and centre, and I was too weak and lacking confidence to stand my ground or fight back. I did do what I felt was right in my heart and lost people and that's ok too. I know they weren't true friends if they caused crap and disappeared so quickly when I didn't do what they wanted. I have come through so much the past two years especially and it took the better part of 16mnths from surgery to just be at peace with my spinal injury/surgery and that it had no explanations. Which was hard for me because i run with facts and science and there was nothing to back what happened up, it was just a freak accident of an injury. Sadly it has also meant I have damaged/pushed away some people I thought would always be there, but as I am learning those that are meant to be in your life do come back. 

I have found I can stand my ground more now and am learning that I do not have to put up with people who treat me like they can pick me up/put me down whenever they feel like it. I have also learned to fight back when someone tells me that I cant be friends or should walk away from someone etc. I do not have to do what they say because I am me and I am strong and follow my heart and my beliefs when I make decisions and to hell what others think of me and going against what they want. 

I have found things that make me smile everyday, yes some days are harder than others, some days I still find I cry because someone is missing in my life. but I have learned that its ok to shed a tear or two and that at least I have some memories that can make me smile, although sometimes they are a little bittersweet when i realise i may never have that again. The great thing is at least I can say I have lived and followed what i believe to be the right thing to do, even if I have broken and trashed my heart and keep to myself a lil more these days. I find happiness in finding my strengths, and am amazed how much i have changed in so many ways. 

Life may not be what or where I thought it would be this year but at least I can Smile and know my worth and that I deserve to be happy and loved. Something I couldnt even say 12months ago which caused me to pretty much destroy something in my life that meant so much to me. Granted it wasnt just me that destroyed it gradually but i feel most responsible because of how i was and things. But as long as I am alive, can walk and just be me then i am still alive and will not stop living... 

In saying that, yesterday I started a 6 week shred programme at the gym, something I never thought I would do but I only live once so why not! so tonight is our first bootcamp and I am a lil scared because our tuesday sessions are in public areas and not at the gym! But I am going and I will hold my head high and do it because I am not the scared shy meek person i was at the start of this year :) 

Time...

They say Time heals all wounds, and that Time has a wonderful way of showing us what or whom really matters.  To me, Time is something that moves so quickly and yet doesn't help the healing process. Instead the more time ticks on the more I feel like nothing will be ok. It reminds me of all I have lost and all that I never will have in my life. It reminds me that people I went to school with or grew up with or even just people from the last few years, are all getting married, having babies and doing the things I wanted to do in my life. Yet, here I am with none of those things at all. 

Why? because I let my fears and anxieties dictate my actions, I let them take control of me instead of speaking up or showing what i want in my life/for my life. I let words I heard as a child cause me to be anxious and scared of things I want. I push those I care and love away because I am scared those words I heard growing up are true and that all I do is cause pain for those around me. As well as the fact that it makes me doubt they even care about me at all. 

Since my neice turned 5 all I have wanted is someone who loves me unconditionally, and I them, a family of my own and to be happy and know that no matter what happens in life I have them. 5 years on and sadly I lost someone who might have loved me, (i know they said they cared atleast), made a mess of anything and everything to do with that person and destroyed myself in the process too. What bites even more is I know what I feel towards them just doesn't go away. Time doesn't heal that feeling you have, that you are missing a part of you... Some nights I wake up in tears because it hurts and there is nothing I can do about it. How do you get over losing a big part of yourself by your own doing? I hate that I truly know how I feel and yet there is nothing I can do about it now because its too late... Too late to act on it, too late to tell that person, too late for me to have what i wanted in life. 

How can people say Time heals all wounds when it's been just about a year since yet again I said nothing and stood back and lost the one I know I love yet couldnt admit it.... Its also just about 2 years since I lost Andrea and god at times like this I wish she was still here because at least I could talk to her and she understood me. She didnt think i was stupid for being scared or anxious or for not being able to talk about things. Time doesnt heal these wounds, it just reminds me every day that I am very much alone in many aspects. It reminds me that the only things i have in my life is the business and my cat :( and as much as i love both its not the life I always wanted. Yes the cat loves me but its not a relationship or marriage or family. Yes the business has given me a biz family but thats not the same either... 

I have had people tell me lately that I should just say what I want and how I feel to someones face, yet I can't because I respect the fact that 1 they are in a relationship, 2 I respect their girlfriend enough as a woman to not cause trouble and to stay clear of them and 3, to me its just wrong to say because obviously if they had wanted or cared about me they wouldnt have jumped into everything with the person they are with now. Maybe thats a screwed way of seeing things *shrug* but its how i see them and I guess because of the last few months and how things have just become more and more distant, not that it was my choice. That I am feeling like I never mattered to them, that I was just a place holder the past few years and none of it was true. They just didnt want to be alone, and yet i fell in love with them and now cant change how I feel or ignore it because its painful... Or maybe I am just broken? 

I miss being able to come home and talk to that person and know that I am safe and cared for. I miss the hugs when I have had an extremely horrible day and the way he used to sing to me out of tune and off key to make me smile or the way he would surprise text me when I least expected it... I miss sunday night dinners out and walking at night back to the apartment. I miss the random sweet gestures and most of all i miss him winding me up just to then give me that cheeky grin and the look in his eyes :( I had the world and yet i lost it thru being scared and anxious and feeling like I didnt deserve it and that they were better off without me... now I probably will never know....

"The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved..."

This weekend has been one that has hit me with memories fast and plenty. Yet I kept myself from crying until tonight... A song triggered me to cry as it summed up everything from this weekend, All that I miss, All that I have lost and All I wish I could have back... I used to doubt the truth when people used to say "You don't know what you've got till its gone", But its true. You really don't and then when its gone you miss it like crazy and just want for it all to be back. 

I try not to beat myself up most days about whats happened yet this weekend has been one that has really been just a bit too much for me I think. I really do miss my life the way it was, with those that mean so much to me in it. Yet I have to be ok with the fact they are no longer in it, that I hurt them too much that they wont forgive me and that they aren't coming back. I wish I didn't feel like a piece of me is missing, yet i wake up every morning and that feeling is still there hitting me where it hurts and stays all day. Not once leaving my side, most nights I have to force myself to get some sleep yet i wake up in the middle of the night in tears because of the fact there's a piece of me missing. I don't remember the last time I slept thru the night since moving house because not once since all this happened have I managed to have a normal nights sleep. 

Yesterday was hard as it was day that didn't go to well and I felt really disheartened and like a failure coming home. When that used to happen he was there, he would always make things ok with a hug and a smile and remind me I am safe, I was loved and cared for and that its ok for things not to go as we want them sometimes Biz wise and life wise... Yet instead i felt like a failure and like i just keep making a mess of things with everything. Its hard to believe in yourself when no-one else does and your support person/your rock no longer exists. It reminds you that you are truly alone in this world. The good thing was as horrid as I was feeling I didn't give up and I didn't cry as much as I wanted to cry and be angry at the world for my life being as it is, i didn't. 

I just wish "He" was here for a hug and to know everything will be ok, that we'll survive like we always have and things will get better. Yet I know wishes don't come true and that things aren't going to be ok, if ever with some things. I know business wise I will keep sticking it out and keep going because I am determined to prove the naysayers wrong and keep doing what I love and hit my goals...
But as for my personal life is there anything to keep fighting for now after 3 months of this carry on with "him"? I don't want to give up that lil sliver of hope but considering it felt like he wanted to run me over twice last week I'm not sure there is any hope any more... 

I miss my bestfriend, my rock, my everything. I want to share the things that happen and yet I know I cant... because its like I don't exist to them anymore and I have to learn to just be ok with that even though it hurts every single day. He gave me the world and i pretty much destroyed it and everything along with it to the point that he now seems to be happier if i just disappeared. 4 years and I lost everything I ever wanted and didn't even tell him because I was too scared  and because I didn't really like myself that much and believed my mothers words to be true :( and I cant undo that because he wont even forgive me...  all i can do is remember the last time I felt safe and felt like I was home and know that I was at least loved once. 

Life flashes before ones eyes...

It's funny, I saw someone's post on Instagram and it said "when your life flashes before your eyes, will it be worth watching?" It reminded me of when I went in for spinal surgery. As the medication started working to knock me out and seeing bits of life and my dreams and what I love... Now seeing that quote today it makes me realise I've lost so much this year and sadly I have to learn to be ok with that and just be.

I get that my life as it stands is not what I want to watch if it flashes before my eyes but I can say and be ok with the fact I know I was loved once. That I can say I have been in love once too and I screwed it up but at least I have known love. Love is what keeps you going, keeps the smile on your face and stops you from giving up on everything. Love doesn't always happen so when it finds you, you should hold on tight and enjoy it while it lasts. Don't push it away, but don't force it either. It is to be cherished, honoured and enjoyed so don't ever take it for granted like I did...

Because life is a lot more painful when it's gone, memories can haunt your dreams. They can affect you when you least expect it, those times when you feel everything is ok and then it hits you... Hits you hard. Yet you just have to keep slapping on a happy face and get thru it because you can't let anyone know it's destroying you... Because people always leave even if it's your fault they leave..

Realisations, Wishes & just remembering to Breathe. . .

Lately when I think about all that's happened the past few months it makes me wonder how things got so screwed up. How did I manage to make so many things worse than what they should be? 


Realised the past few days I haven't let someone know how much I actually appreciate them appreciate the things they do for me, the fact they are always there for me and support me etc. I've kinda let them down in that department and taken them for granted in some ways. The crap thing is now that I see my mistakes I can't get a second chance to fix these. I want to apologise for them but I can't even do that because that person hasn't even read my apology from 4weeks ago. When I apologised for things that caused the rift and for us now to pretty much be strangers to each other. 

A lot of it is due to my anxiety to which I have been learning to get better at handling. Learning to deal with so much the past few months which I know is a good thing. Although it's a lot harder when the one person you want to be there when you just need 1 person, 1 person to support you, to be there when you just need a hug or a smile or to make you laugh. It's funny that person had been wanting me to deal with things for so long, the better part of four years and it's taken losing them to do so... 

I've pushed them away so far that I'm not sure they'll ever come back. What hurts more is the fact I finally get that it's ok to want things and that I'm allowed to get what I want too and be happy instead of what I was always told growing up by the parent. That I didn't deserve to be happy, that no-one would care and love me and I deserved to be alone because she blamed me for all her unhappiness and misery. She blamed me for her poor choices and even blamed me for what happened to me as a child when it wasn't my fault. She didn't put me first and I guess that's why I've punished myself for so long, made sure others were happy and getting what they wanted and believed her words. Why I pushed those I loved & cared for away and now can't change the fact I lost someone I love. Someone I ran from because I didn't want to admit to myself, let alone them that I loved them. That after four years I do love them and that what's happened makes it so much worse as now I have lost my chance, lost them and everything. I can't ignore what I feel or try to bury it because it hits me when I least expect it. 

I know I can't run away again like i did last time, even though I wish I could but I know I have to face things. Face my life and the consequences of my actions and in-actions with these situations. I wish I could though so maybe this would be a little easier, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. I know I have be happy knowing at least I'm alive and can feel things and that, that person is happy in their life with their decisions. I have to believe that they are better off and happier without me around and just be ok. 

Take one step at a time and just breathe even if it's the only thing I do today :) 

one of those days.....

Yesterday was probably one of the worst birthdays since I was a little kid. I can say that though because I survived it and all its crumminess. There was a few good points and I am still totally thankful I'm alive and can just do things. I keep finding the silver linings which as we all know is the right thing to do, but boy is it hard sometimes. 

Throughout the day there was moments where I found myself in tears because my life as I knew it is gone. My world/life has changed so dramatically the past 2 years and I could've changed some of it and didn't. Hence the tears, because on days like yesterday it hits me that I had so much and i lost it. Lost it because of my insecurities and fears let alone the fact for so long I never believed I deserved things in my life. mostly due to what i was told growing up and being told for most of my life. Now I know I do deserve the good things in my life yet I possibly have stuffed some of that up and I'm not sure I can fix it now. 

Yesterday all I wanted was a hug from the one person who can make me smile at the drop of a hat, make me laugh and feel like nothing is ever as wrong as it seems... He's the one whose made me realise as much as I do things for other people that I deserve to put me first and its ok to be happy too... Yet he is part of what makes me smile and makes me happy as he helps me be the person I want to be. In four years its the second birthday where he has not said a word to me, no contact at all and it hurts so much. I thought writing and giving him my apology letter 3 weeks ago would have meant that at least by this week we would at least have talked about it and be back to trying to at least be civil to each other. 

Instead it is like I don't exist, I am just another face in the crowd if that... I kinda feel like I did last year where it seemed like he would be happier if i was dead and buried... Im not sure if its actually what or how he wants things but its how it feels... 

Whatever happened to the one who told me to not give up on them? that our friendship etc was worth sticking by and that whatever happened they werent walking away again? He knows my biggest fear is losing him from my life for good and him walking away.... Yet thats exactly what he has done and it hurts like f**k...  I miss my bestfriend, my rock, the one person who pushes me to be the best i can be and i actually like the person i was becoming with him around...

I guess though just like before I have learned to keep going, smile through the pain and act like everything is ok because that is what people expect. I know I also have to focus on the business and look after me. Although the look after me thing is a work in progress, I am enjoying going to the gym 6 times a week and just enjoying what im doing there without worrying about the results.
Ive also been giving myself me time early in the morning on the days I do Aqua instead of the gym by still going early and just reading weither it be a book for the biz or something i just want to read. As well as writing to my penpal in the Oh so happy mail project by FMS.  So I am still doing things for me just things that dont cost and dont cause dramas because I really do not need any drama llamas :)

So as much as I had a crap birthday, do not want to acknowledge my life seems to be no where near what I want or thought for this age... At least I am alive, I can walk and I am mostly happy. 

Just keep Swimming...

These past two weeks I have tried to just keep myself busy. Focusing on gym/swimming training and the business. Trying not to think or think to much,because thinking will led to me getting upset and hurt and angry all over again. The biz is doing ok although my bookings dropped which is making it harder for my goal this month so I have to make new plans this week 🙂 The gym is good though 6kgs gone in 6wks 🙂 Although not sure if that's related to the stress of the last 2 months and losing my bestfriend.... 


The thing is I know it's not all my fault, I know that it took two of us to create the disaster that it is. Not even sure what to call it anymore because I'm not sure it was even a proper friendship let alone anything else looking back. Why? Because in a friendship you support each other, care and give time, attention and many other things too. Which to me a lot of the time these little things were lacking here. Sometimes I felt completely alone even when they said they were here and were listening, you could tell their mind was elsewhere and even tho physically present they weren't invested. It's hard too because even though it wasn't perfect and things could've been a hell of a lot better I miss that, I miss them and yet I'm now powerless to fix any of it. 

How? 
Because I apologised for my part in everything falling apart, I apologised for myself and my thoughts and actions or inactions as they may be. I apologised and asked for forgiveness and have been ignored. The ball as people say was left in the other persons court and looks like completely ignored. To be honest I'm not even sure they read my apology letter since they wouldn't give me time to actually give my apology like I wanted to, heck id finally got the courage to do so and ended up having to write it... It hurts that this person said they wouldn't leave after last time and yet they have, knowing that it's part of what has caused the issues, anxiety and things last time. They've left me and taken a piece of me with then I'll never get back. They knew I've always said and felt that everyone leaves and tried to tell me it's not true yet they've left twice now, how can I not see and believe people always leave when they've done it? 

Some days I wish I could feel nothing, just feel numb no emotion nothing as maybe it would make it easier? Somedays are hard especially when that person connected to them gives me a smug look that makes me feel like dog poop. I hate that this person can ignore everything that's happened and act like I never existed. That he can just ignore the fact he has my things and not return them. That we went through so much in four years yet he acts like I'm dead and never existed. 

I miss my bestfriend, the person who become my bestfriend without trying. The one who accepted me for me and helped me become a better person, a person I actually was starting to like. A person who was slowly overcoming her fears as she had someone she trusted with her whole being and knew wouldn't judge or leave. The person who was helping her become who she wanted to be and not hate herself or be who she was told she was since day dot. Now I'm just the person I was told I am, the one who ruins everything she touches and the likes. Because as much as I try to be nice, caring, loyal, happy, confident and not anxious it doesn't happen I keep falling on my face lately and making things worse... Yet I have to smile and pretend everything is ok for the outside world to see bcos I'm the person who makes sure everyone else is ok and happy no matter what.

I don't want to have my birthday this week because it truly will be just another day and another reminder that the one person hates me, won't forgive me and I'm everything my mother said I am growing up 😞 if I could just have one wish for my birthday it would be to have my friend back and a hug but I know it's not possible when he acts like I don't exist 😔

So I just have to keep swimming and trying I guess even though it hurts like hell being me. 

"We live through scars this time..."

It's been a hard week this week, and yet it's only Thursday! Yet I was ready for the weekend since Tuesday if I am honest with myself. Some days I have been able to just ignore the pain, hurt, anger, rensentment, the painful memories the lot and plaster a happy face on for everyone else to see. I have used all that to just push myself further with my training and give me more determination with my gym goals... Some days though it isn't as easy to do, because I am not sure how I am supposed to be ok with losing my bestfriend, my everything, the one person I could tell absolutely everything to and know that it was ok no matter what was wrong. That one person who broke down my walls and fought me to see them. I can't replace that, I cant replace them  either and I am not sure I am ok with facing the world and life without them being in my life. Especially after so much we have survived since we met; hell he kinda just became my bestfriend without me even realising which makes it harder still. 

I sat down at the weekend after last weeks Counselling and wrote my apology letter, which I didn't want to write as he has always said he would rather me talk then write but I had no other option. I can't call, I can't text, I cant iMessage, I'm not even sure if my emails would get through to him anymore. So I sat and I wrote from the heart, explaining my pain, my hurt and my actions and why I am so sorry and scared. I know that there is only a very slim possibility he will even consider accepting my apology, along with him even apologizing to me even though it took two of us to create this mess. All I can keep telling myself is that I at least wrote the truth for me and how I'm feeling with what happened and what I am sorry for and that I am slowly working on my issues. Sadly I have a feeling that it is all too little too late to be honest and it hurts so much. I never wanted this to happen, even though I have pushed him away many a time and vice-versa I always thought we would get through anything after all the other extremely hard situations etc we had been through previously. now I am not so sure when It feels like its all my fault. 

I guess the big lesson I have learned so far this past year is If you don't speak up you will lose out in the long run no matter what the situation. I have to learn to not be scared to speak up and say what I want in my life and actually go after it No matter what it is. I cant live life being scared of every little thing when it comes to things, because otherwise life just passes you by and you end up watching everyone else have a life you can only dream of. I am slowly learning I am a work in progress, I am learning to deal with things I should have dealt with a long time ago, (things he had been pushing me to deal with for at least 2yrs yet i was too scared to). Things that have affected my life and how I see me and what I deserve in my life... I get that I started dealing with this too little too late in some peoples eyes but at least I am dealing and learning to at least be ok with who I am and my life, even if it is never what I have wanted it to be. I just have to learn to be ok with that and know I can only do what I can do and be ok with that. Some scars emotional or physical never fully heal and I am learning to just accept me for me.... the good the bad and everything else just like i do with my friends and family yet with them its easier then we accept ourselves faults and all.. 

Training wise even though I am dealing with a bout of some flu bug has been going pretty well, tabata, zumba and weights training with cardio when I do my gym days. I am also hitting about 12,000 + steps 6-7 days a week. So when I jumped on the scales this week at the gym (1st time in 4weeks) and I have lost just over 4kgs so thats pretty much what I am supposed to be expecting, losing a kilo a week. I have also noticed my left leg is slowly starting to look normal like my right when I look at my ankle etc so its taken over a year for it to start shrinking after not being able to move it and therefore it losing muscle etc... Its hard to think that progress is so slow in coming right since my injury even though I have been swimming and zumba and gym since 3months after surgery and we are only now starting to see differences. So I will just keep doing what I am doing for the moment, along with PT when I can till after Brisbane and then ramp up the training some more from September as I want to hit a few personal goals by the end of the year too... 

This afternoon (Thursday) was a hard one as after yesterdays failed attempt to give someone the letter I was pretty apprehensive about trying again today. Especially since I feel like he wants me dead the past weeks since the stupid fight in the car. But I also know that the right thing was I needed to hand it to him so I knew i had personally delivered it and therefore tackled a fear by facing him to give it even though I was shaking like crazy. It tore me up inside though with one of the looks he gave me and all i wanted was one of his hugs that would make this all go away and everything would be fine. Yet I know I have no right to ask for one or to want one considering the situation. I managed to keep my tears from falling outside which was something, although he probably knew I wanted to cry like hell, yet i made myself try stay in control. I didnt think it would be so hard to hand him that letter and know that it still could be it, that he wont forgive me for my part in what happened and that I have to just find a way to get thru life on my own and never see/speak etc to him again. which is one of my biggest fears since that time in Auckland when he left me.... something he said he would never do again yet thats exactly whats happened and this time I have to just be ok... He taught me to fight for what I believe in and want and yet I cant fight for this when I am the only one from where I am standing... I have to keep reminding myself that I cant turn back time to last year i can only move forward and learn from my mistakes even though it hurts like f**k! 

Probably why James Bay's  song Scars has been in my head so much lately... the lyrics this blog is titled after along with "This fragile heart, So heavy in my chest, it's breaking" is exactly how i have been feeling a lot the past few weeks since it happened along with the fact i have to "Live through scars this time"...   I just have to find a way to keep going each day, even if its just forcing myself to the gym each morning till i dont remember what i lost any more... as sad as that sounds.... 

Some days....

Some days are harder than others, some days I can get thru without a thought or tear. Others not so much, in fact some days it's a complete disaster and I wish I could be a burrito with my duvet.

Today it's both, I woke up with a realisation and yet can't do anything about it. It did help me realise tho that there were times I could've spoken up last year yet didn't. Why? Because as he said I let my fears overcome and dictate my life.

Today I'm also freaking out as I have dental surgery and I'm doing it completely alone which I'm a lil scared about. Even tho I went thru back surgery on my own this still scares me as I don't cope with dentists never really have so hence the anxiety. The good thing is at least I can curl up with the cat if need be all weekend and just watch movies. Although I do want to keep up the fitness if I feel ok this weekend.

Been thinking about finding an extra sport to do for weekends but not sure what I want to do. It's been so long since I played netball I'm not sure I'd be that good at it now 😂
But I'm sure I'll find something by next year.

Biz is slow this month which isn't helping with the plan of keeping myself busy so I don't have to think 😕 but will come up with some plans over weekend if need be 🙂

Yesterday (Thursday) was a hard day. Getting a message from someone about their child doing something and not being able to be there to support them. Made me feel completely useless.

Somedays I just wish life was easier

Realisations..... Painful but worth it...

Things are never going to be Ok, and I guess that's the hardest thing about dealing with so much in the past 6 months was the fact something else broke in that time too! Which I'm not sure if it's "a can't"  or "a won't" be fixed. Why? because it's hard to fix something that involved others and it seems only I want to fix and heal from it, to see if we can heal and move forward.  

I have also realised of late that even with counselling and the likes not everything in life can be explained or dealt with and sometimes what others say you should "Just get over" isn't always that easy to do so.  Which is something that has been screwing me up and messing with my head for about 18 months... This injury has been a complete Mind F**k on me because I have always had a bit of scientific view on life, (blame the fact I thrive on science since I was younger). Yet my back injury has no explanation at all! No-one, not even my specialist can pinpoint a reason why it happened, it just did and yet that frustrates me. As everything has a reason, nothing happens without a reason, there's always a reason or explanation for things scientific or for things that happen. Yet for 18months or so this has been completely Mind F**king me because there is none at all. Just like there is no explanation why some days I have no pain at all in my back and leg since surgery and some days there are, or little niggles... It has been completely messing with me in so many ways. 

I never realised how much it was messing with me till the past two weeks or so while connecting the dots with other things I realised this was connected too. I hate the fact that I have this scar on my back for an injury that no one can explain, and it kind of makes me feel like it was punishment for something I have done in my life. Yet I am starting to learn that some things just cant be explained. Sometimes things just happen weither you're a good or bad person things happen. Just like bad/terrible/awful things can happen to the most amazing people. It's hard though reminding myself every day now that it's OK that there is no explanation and that as long as I keep doing what I am doing it hopefully won't happen again. It's also helped me to accept something "he" has tried to get me to deal with at times the past four years, and I get it now...

I get that it's not my fault what happened to me when I was younger, that I did not cause any of it. I get that there is no real explanation for how my parental unit dealt with it either. Nor her behavior towards me since that day. I get her childhood wasn't all sunshine and roses and that maybe that is part of why she has treated me like she has. I also know that her words have no influence on my life if I do not let them, (I picture him rolling his eyes and going finally at this admittance considering its something hes wanted me to accept for so long... too little too late i guess but hey!). What she said was obviously due to her own pain, and unhappiness with her life and the situation. Some of the things she said were uncalled for and should not have been repeated to me over and over growing up. I may not be able to forget the words she said but I am and will be able to at least put the past and her words behind me so I can move forward without the pain and the hurt of the past. 

I may be alone in doing so and it may be a lot of the saying "Too little, too late" - when it comes to the bigger issue of the last 5 weeks or so. It won't help fix whats happened in that situation because one has chosen to act like I do not exist and I have to be ok and accept that. Even if it hurts me a lot more than I am willing to admit.  One thing they taught me was to always keep going no matter how bad things get and to keep fighting and pushing myself with things. Which I guess is great in some ways as I am learning to use the things he used to say to me to push myself at the gym, and with my business goals. 

When it comes to me and my personal life which I guess includes my social life well that's another story I guess and I am just trying to get through each day without bawling my eyes out come bed time. I get a lot of what has happened in my life the past few years is my own fault and he was right when he said "I let my fears get the better of me and dictate my life" because that is exactly what has happened and why I am in the situations I am in. But I can use this to change how I do things going forward in life, To try and Seize opportunities and look after me which includes putting me first and making sure I am ok in the situations I am in. It wont change the pain or the hurt of losing someone important to me and it wont change the fact I actually have no real close friends at all now since Andrea passed away and he has gone.  But I will keep aiming for my goals and trying to achieve my dreams and hope that I can at least remember the things they have taught me.  I am also going to learn to not let my fears dictate my life...

Along with just trying to believe that Time Heals All wounds and that maybe it can heal friendships and other things I am scared I have broken the past year or so... :)

Trying to keep it together....

Today I've had to keep it together more than any of the other days of late... All I want is a hug from him and to know it's all ok and yet my head reminds me that I can't and it's not ok. It's not even remotely ok! He hates me, refuses to talk to me, thinks I'm a horrible person among other things And I'm the one who said goodbye to him and wants his things gone from my life because it hurts seeing them all the time when he's no longer in my life.

I hate that it hurts and that I'm the only one who seems to be hurting constantly throughout this and the past four years. He always acts like nothing hurts him and none of it matters. Yet I can only try to do that and yet I fail... I know I'd run to him in a heartbeat for a hug to magically fix everything and yet I know I can't and it won't. We've hurt each other so much I don't think there's any coming back from that short of a miracle...

I miss the person who can make me smile while I cry, I miss the person whose hugs made everything ok and I knew I wasn't alone and yet do I really have a right to miss those? Do I even have a right to miss him when he picks everyone else but me every time? I'm just the friend whose always there till someone new comes along, and even then Im not sure friend is the right word, maybe its acquaintance?

Earlier today I wondered if he got some kick out of punishing me like he has for the past five weeks, yet I realised the only lesson I'm learning is how much I don't like being treated like I have been of late, with the fight then the constant silence and then pissy texts when he does respond. Especially when I know if I did it to him he'd yell at me for it as he hates it when I didn't talk to him because I was so angry last yr with him... How can be ok doing this?

How can he treat someone like discarded trash and like they never mattered? Was it always about everyone else but me? Was the last four years just bs?

I wish I could feel nothing at all! I want to hate him! Yet I can't and I don't know why! I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to remember the last four years I just wish I could erase it all and have it be like none of it including him existed. At least that way I'd feel nothing and it might be a lil easier getting thru each day trying to keep my head above water without the reminders everywhere 😞😢I don't want to keep crying myself to sleep every night like I have for the better part of two years anymore...

One birthday wish....

Tomorrow it's a month till my birthday and I'm reminded of the fact neither of my best friends will be there to celebrate it... One has been gone just about two years and if she was here I'm not sure id be in the situation I've been in for the past year because I would have been able to talk to someone. Maybe I wouldn't be so scared or letting my fears get the better of me 😞

I don't want to get a year older without Andrea being here another year without my best friend. Let alone another birthday without him talking to me 😢 It was hard enough last year with him only half being there for my birthday. I don't want this one without either of them. How can I have stuffed things up so much that I'm dreading my birthday? I'm going to be 34 with no family of my own, no best friends nothing at all 😞 and from the looks of it, it's always going to be like this because I'm damaged goods as some would say...

I wish I didn't have to be an adult, I wish l could turn back time and fix things but I can't bring Andrea back and I can't fix things with him it seems which is why I had to say goodbye even tho it hurts like hell.  But I have to keep going and put on the brave face and keep dealing with my fears and learn to just be...

Just wish the next month wasn't creeping up on me, I don't want to have my birthday without him in my life 😕

🌟I guess if I could wish for one thing this year it would be him still being in my life 🌟

3...

I put on the happy face every time I brave the world, pretend that everything is 100% fine and dandy. Whereas in reality it's completely not, I've lost more than I realised these past 6 months. I've lost a part of me, I've lost who I am, who I want to be and that one person who is always there no matter what even when you don't want them to be.
It's probably one of the hardest things I'm going to go through along with learning to be ok with the fact that not everything i want in my life will actually happen. Which is part of why I know I've lost who I am and what I want to be too... Yet I have to deal with it all and find someway to accept those things and just be at peace with them like I was a few years ago. Except this time it's a lot different, because last time was a choice this time it's not so much a choice...

While learning to cope and accept that I still have to keep it together and look like everything is fine and dandy to everyone else. Because people don't really want to know when something is wrong etc they more just want to pass small pleasantries when they ask how you are instead of having full blown conversations about how one truly feels etc...

Life changes in the blink of an eye and yet things stay the same....

I get that one has been trying to teach me a lesson yet at the same time I wish they would see the hurt it causes. I get that one doesn't believe I will stick to my word yet I meant it last week that I don't want to keep things going like this... I want the belongings gone from my life and my house since one can't even talk to me, instead holds a grudge and thinks it's ok.... That I will still be here, yet that's not fair on me or anyone. I want to keep living my life even if things are missing and not hurt anymore...

I'm going to show them all I can do it with out their help and bs. Show him it's not what he thinks either.

Day 1....After all is said and done...

This morning I forced myself to get up, get dressed and head to the gym... Why? Because I know it always helps even though I didn't want to work out I did it anyway. I know if I don't my back aches and leg plays up so I figured even if it was the only thing I did all day I got dressed and went to the gym. I worked out for over an hour although I didn't do my full work out.

Today's been hard I'm not going to lie, I had a cry in the shower at the gym. I had a cry sitting and just thinking this afternoon while doubting what decision I made yesterday. Yet I know I have made it with the right intentions and to try do what's right. I just hope one day the pain subsides and I'll be ok inside. It's easy to look ok on the outside I've been doing it for so long the last few years that it pretty much comes naturally even tho I know it shouldn't 😕

I know from last time when "he" left me the pain doesn't really go away you just learn to ignore it so it doesn't hurt as much. I'm not sure tho this time if I can ignore it as there's 4 years of memories and happiness to ignore... But I'm trying.

When you say nothing at all...

Four weeks....Four weeks of nothingness, four weeks of wanting to fix/sort/figure things out, four weeks to end up with the most painful answer on my own because four weeks ago you obviously left my life for good 😞

Yet four years ago you came into my life and seemed like you were determined to be in it to stay. How wrong was I to think/feel that I guess. I know a lot of it is my own fault, I let you have me believe every word that came from your mouth and messages. I let my walls down against my better judgement and now pay the ultimate price and the crap thing is I still want to believe...

I want to believe it wasn't all a farce, that even the past 2years we weren't distancing ourselves like I felt/thought was happening. Unfortunately the past 10mnths especially since January I have been feeling more and more like that's exactly what you planned, for us to become so distant its like we never existed to each other. It's been more noticeable since January when everything changed... We stopped talking/communicating like we used to, days could go by in silence. I hardly saw you and when I did it was like it was all a little secret and like I shouldn't be seeing you even though it was a five minute car ride, or the 15minutes you spent to get me to sign your passport papers. None of it was quality time and I'm guessing it's because it made it easier for you to be distant. Just like the day we planned to go to the movies and it was cancelled, I guess it becomes easier to keep cancelling when you want someone to disappear?

Then the past four weeks it's been completely like it never existed - did we truly even know each other? Were we actually friends? Because friends don't do this no matter how much they are hurt by each other. For four years I believed we could get through anything that as long as we believed in each other, supported each other and fought for what's right it would be ok... I guess I was wrong 😞

Today I wrote the last post in the book, why? Because it's obvious that you gave up on me, on our friendship and everything long before now and I don't have the strength to fight an eclipse anymore. I can't go on living like I have the past four weeks anymore so I need to say goodbye and thank you. Thank you for helping me become a better person, one who tries to trust and care, and one who tries to believe in happy afters even if there isn't one for me.
I wish you an amazing life and hope that you get all you dream of & be happy always

Goodbye.

Sempre. x

Its not what I want but i know its what i have to do after the past 4 weeks...

I have nothing left to fight for in this friendship when i am the only one here so I have to do whats right and say goodbye because you already left me again.

So much can change in 14 days....

Its been 14 days since everything with someone kinda blew way out and I was left to not have that one person in my life that has been there for a lot the past few years... That one person who become that person without me realizing for awhile... Yet in that 14days so much has opened my eyes and changed.

As much as I miss that person and feel like a part of me is missing, I am also doing things I wouldn't do before hand or had the confidence to do. I am believing in myself and speaking my mind and making decisions no matter how much it could hurt or annoy someone. I am trusting my gut instincts and not following what anyone else says (and yes it seems I have been right on the money with them too!).  I have also just been taking time for me, doing things that I want/need to do in order to just be ok... It doesn't change the fact i feel like I am missing a piece of me  or that I can't talk to the one person I want to talk to or run and tell things to, but it does help me with resembling the person I used to be before we met. Although I have to keep reminding myself that I can't go completely back to that person because I know living in "my bubble" as that person called it wasn't exactly good for me and I know I started really living because of that person too.

Each day I have to remind myself its ok to cry and feel hurt or scared but that I have to keep going anyways because life doesn't stop just because that person isn't around. I have a business I have to keep working or I wont hit my goals and dreams. I have to remind myself that I go to the Gym and Swimming because without it I lose a piece of me and also have issues with my back if I dont. I have been finding i dont want to get out of the water lately... something about being a mermaid and forgetting whats going on in my life when I am in the water! although I know that unlike every other time in the past 4 years I wont run away this time... I Cant! & I Wont! Because for some reason my gut instincts and head & heart wont let me... Even though I don't see things being ok anytime soon, hell I don't feel like they will be for quite a long time if at all because I know as much as I am dealing with my stuff it takes two to tango and only one of us is dealing with things with our friendship and only one of us wants things to be ok from where I am standing :( as much as I am sad and hurting and the likes I know that I can't fix or change things and that I have to just keep going, keep fighting and just doing/going through life even if the other person never comes back and thats ok,

I have learned the past two weeks that no matter how hurt and hard things are I can find the positives and have a laugh with friends. I can succeed with my business without even realising and be shocked when I am actually informed how awesome i am actually doing. Hell I have pretty much just been doing things lately without a thought to much when it comes to the business, focusing on small everyday goals/weekly goals/monthly goals because of the fact I dont generally get recognition for what I do with things in life or business and I am generally ok with that. Why? Because normally at least i could go to this one person and we could at least do a movie or dinner to celebrate my little victories.. Yet my last success was overshadowed by their graduation and holiday so it meant nothing, no celebration zilch nada. That hurt quite a lot and felt like I didnt matter at all.. Maybe i just expect too much from someone who has never really given me the true time of day? I know the saying about the fact people make time for those that are important and Time was never really made for me and I have just had to be ok with it when it comes to this person. Which hurts a lot as I have always dropped what I am doing if they needed me and yet the same isnt done for me....

I guess thats why I have been learning over the past few weeks that I shouldnt jump when people want me to... Because no-one does for me for which I am ok with these days because it makes you realise who is worth your time and effort and energy. Sadly I feel like a fool for giving this person so much of my time, energy and effort when they couldnt do the same for me. Does that make me a sucker?  or just a fool?

The good thing is I am also learning to just give myself time, If i need to cry then I wont beat myself up about it I cry then find something to make me smile and carry on with my day, kinda like how I handled not being able to walk at times before my surgery. I will not let this get me down or upset or angry with myself, because I know that I am doing the right thing for me. I also know that for the past 5 days I have been ready to apologise for certain things I said but I will not do it via text message email or otherwise. Nor will I apologise for the things I am not sorry for because that is not right and I know in myself that it would just cause me to beat myself up when I shouldnt.

Its funny how life can teach you things without realising till you sit down to write and so much more than what you planned to say ends up spilling out of you. I guess thats why I have always said I am better at writing than talking because writing is where I can really be me and just say everything I need to even if my thoughts dont make complete sense to others at least they know.

Who knew life could change so dramatically so quickly, yet at the same time I am proving I can do things no matter what support or lack thereof I have, I can achieve my goals still and heck I can even laugh and have fun even while hurting on the inside. I also get to keep my integrity because I feel I am doing the right thing by not saying something when it was cause a situation and sound like I dont care or support others decisions, even though it means I am left hurting it means its not hurting others.

I may never get the things I want in life but at least I am still able to find positives in the days, I can smile and be happy and know that I did it without falling completely to pieces and losing myself completely. My life may not be where or what I envisioned/dreamed/thought a few years ago and i am learning to be ok with that and still smile and know I am doing my best with what i have. I will still achieve my goals and dreams even if it takes me longer than others and will show them I did not need them to make it happen for me. I am learning to just enjoy being myself and liking myself for who i am no matter what anyone else thinks :)

Always doesn't mean Always......

why do people say they will Always be there? That they will Always care?

When you learn that it's not so true as time passes... In fact it's a pretty hurtful and hard lesson to learn that someone you care for and trust isn't there, that they never fully wore and you were just something to pass the time and boost their ego. How do you learn to accept that and just kept going? How do you not hold that against other people you meet in life?  I guess that's possibly an age old question for many people. It just hurts though when it's someone you trusted with so much and they can then use everything know to hurt you and manipulate you or silently and quickly just disappear from your life.


I always tried to believe that one person in my life didn't lie to me or use things to hurt me. That they did things for the right reasons and because they gave a damn about me. Seems I was a complete idiot in that respect and trusted someone who was manipulating me for the better part of 4 years and had me believe they cared when they didn't. It was all about keeping them from being alone and boosting their ego till they got what they wanted elsewhere. I realised this past weekend they also use Gaslighting to make me question myself and what I believe and remember. Perfect way to manipulate someone is to have them question their own sanity and that sadly is exactly what this person has done to me.  I'm not angry at them because I feel they obviously do not know any better, they also can't feel that great in their own life if that's how they need to treat people. I know in the beginning we used to encourage, support and boost each other and I believe that was true but somewhere we lost all that and that's ok it's life.


The good thing is at least I am learning that it's ok to feel like I stuffed up, that I trusted someone I shouldn't have and like a fool, because inside I'm becoming stronger, I'm learning to be the person I want to be even if I have no one but me in my life at least I am doing what's right for me. Living life on my own terms and not being forced to be something/someone that I am not. I have my goals and I am determined to get them and smash them. I am worth more than many have let me believe👍🏽

So this year is about changes, dreams and goals and achieving the impossible and doing it all on my terms and without others who doubt, hurt or anything else! I CAN & WILL DO THIS!!

Losing a Piece of me, my life... without a goodbye.

So much has changed in the last 6 months, and most of it not how I had imagined or planned or even wanted the changes to be like... Heck I am sitting here wondering how the hell things got so messed up and honestly - I just don't know anymore.

What I do know is there's a piece missing from my life and I can't fix it. I cant bring it back and I cant just magically make it appear. I have to accept that the piece will always be missing and try to just be ok with that, because it was not my choice for that piece to be missing from my life. That piece made the decision themselves and I have no idea why...  One minute we were having a pretty normal conversation and then silence, and its been like that ever since.  I have a pretty good idea what exactly happened but without that piece telling me Its all just an idea no firm facts. But all in all, what I do know is its me that's hurting, Its me that loses something that matters to me. Me that loses something/someone i valued dearly even if I have for the last few years/months whatever struggled to answer one question they always held over me...

I never thought I could feel like I did when I made the decision to leave and pretend that piece of my life never existed, yet I can honestly say the past few weeks that in actual fact I feel it more now then I did then. Maybe because this time it seems so final, like my life will never have this piece back in it. That i lost something so important to me and this time its not coming back and I have no idea what I did wrong, no idea why its me that always gets hurt and me that suffers the consequences while the others get what they want and can pretend like i never existed. Did everything mean nothing to them? Was I just nothing? were they really in my life for the reasons they said? or was it all just lies? something so they didnt have to be alone? or some torturous game to destroy me so they can get their kicks?

All of those questions swimming around in my head because I have no answers, I may never have any answers, and thats the bit that hurts the most. This one person who said they would never let someone tell them they cant be in my life, who always tells me to keep fighting for what i believe in, who said they want to fix things... Just up and disappears from my life for no reason :( and just leaves me feeling like its all my fault. Left me questioning what I did wrong, why  people can say one thing and yet do another :(

I just do not get it anymore, but I have lost that one person I could talk to about anything and everything, who would be there no matter what and I could laugh and cry with and they would always remind me it was ok to do either. I dont even know if they realise how much they meant to me or why.... All i can do is hope that they have an amazing life and get everything they want out of it.

While I try to pretend there isnt some piece missing from my life and try to achieve the goals I keep setting myself and hope like hell I dont keep screwing up like i have the past four or so years :(

I know Life is what you make it and even when life fell to pieces during my injury etc I kept fighting through and  I know thats what I will continue to do but sometimes its a lot harder when you dont have that support you used to have. Or when you lose that person that you always turn to and you dont know why... How do you keep focusing on goals when theres no one to celebrate your successes with? Especially when is there any point achieving when that person ceases to exist in your life?