As much as I miss that person and feel like a part of me is missing, I am also doing things I wouldn't do before hand or had the confidence to do. I am believing in myself and speaking my mind and making decisions no matter how much it could hurt or annoy someone. I am trusting my gut instincts and not following what anyone else says (and yes it seems I have been right on the money with them too!). I have also just been taking time for me, doing things that I want/need to do in order to just be ok... It doesn't change the fact i feel like I am missing a piece of me or that I can't talk to the one person I want to talk to or run and tell things to, but it does help me with resembling the person I used to be before we met. Although I have to keep reminding myself that I can't go completely back to that person because I know living in "my bubble" as that person called it wasn't exactly good for me and I know I started really living because of that person too.
Each day I have to remind myself its ok to cry and feel hurt or scared but that I have to keep going anyways because life doesn't stop just because that person isn't around. I have a business I have to keep working or I wont hit my goals and dreams. I have to remind myself that I go to the Gym and Swimming because without it I lose a piece of me and also have issues with my back if I dont. I have been finding i dont want to get out of the water lately... something about being a mermaid and forgetting whats going on in my life when I am in the water! although I know that unlike every other time in the past 4 years I wont run away this time... I Cant! & I Wont! Because for some reason my gut instincts and head & heart wont let me... Even though I don't see things being ok anytime soon, hell I don't feel like they will be for quite a long time if at all because I know as much as I am dealing with my stuff it takes two to tango and only one of us is dealing with things with our friendship and only one of us wants things to be ok from where I am standing :( as much as I am sad and hurting and the likes I know that I can't fix or change things and that I have to just keep going, keep fighting and just doing/going through life even if the other person never comes back and thats ok,
I have learned the past two weeks that no matter how hurt and hard things are I can find the positives and have a laugh with friends. I can succeed with my business without even realising and be shocked when I am actually informed how awesome i am actually doing. Hell I have pretty much just been doing things lately without a thought to much when it comes to the business, focusing on small everyday goals/weekly goals/monthly goals because of the fact I dont generally get recognition for what I do with things in life or business and I am generally ok with that. Why? Because normally at least i could go to this one person and we could at least do a movie or dinner to celebrate my little victories.. Yet my last success was overshadowed by their graduation and holiday so it meant nothing, no celebration zilch nada. That hurt quite a lot and felt like I didnt matter at all.. Maybe i just expect too much from someone who has never really given me the true time of day? I know the saying about the fact people make time for those that are important and Time was never really made for me and I have just had to be ok with it when it comes to this person. Which hurts a lot as I have always dropped what I am doing if they needed me and yet the same isnt done for me....
I guess thats why I have been learning over the past few weeks that I shouldnt jump when people want me to... Because no-one does for me for which I am ok with these days because it makes you realise who is worth your time and effort and energy. Sadly I feel like a fool for giving this person so much of my time, energy and effort when they couldnt do the same for me. Does that make me a sucker? or just a fool?
The good thing is I am also learning to just give myself time, If i need to cry then I wont beat myself up about it I cry then find something to make me smile and carry on with my day, kinda like how I handled not being able to walk at times before my surgery. I will not let this get me down or upset or angry with myself, because I know that I am doing the right thing for me. I also know that for the past 5 days I have been ready to apologise for certain things I said but I will not do it via text message email or otherwise. Nor will I apologise for the things I am not sorry for because that is not right and I know in myself that it would just cause me to beat myself up when I shouldnt.
Its funny how life can teach you things without realising till you sit down to write and so much more than what you planned to say ends up spilling out of you. I guess thats why I have always said I am better at writing than talking because writing is where I can really be me and just say everything I need to even if my thoughts dont make complete sense to others at least they know.
Who knew life could change so dramatically so quickly, yet at the same time I am proving I can do things no matter what support or lack thereof I have, I can achieve my goals still and heck I can even laugh and have fun even while hurting on the inside. I also get to keep my integrity because I feel I am doing the right thing by not saying something when it was cause a situation and sound like I dont care or support others decisions, even though it means I am left hurting it means its not hurting others.
I may never get the things I want in life but at least I am still able to find positives in the days, I can smile and be happy and know that I did it without falling completely to pieces and losing myself completely. My life may not be where or what I envisioned/dreamed/thought a few years ago and i am learning to be ok with that and still smile and know I am doing my best with what i have. I will still achieve my goals and dreams even if it takes me longer than others and will show them I did not need them to make it happen for me. I am learning to just enjoy being myself and liking myself for who i am no matter what anyone else thinks :)
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