"The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved..."

This weekend has been one that has hit me with memories fast and plenty. Yet I kept myself from crying until tonight... A song triggered me to cry as it summed up everything from this weekend, All that I miss, All that I have lost and All I wish I could have back... I used to doubt the truth when people used to say "You don't know what you've got till its gone", But its true. You really don't and then when its gone you miss it like crazy and just want for it all to be back. 

I try not to beat myself up most days about whats happened yet this weekend has been one that has really been just a bit too much for me I think. I really do miss my life the way it was, with those that mean so much to me in it. Yet I have to be ok with the fact they are no longer in it, that I hurt them too much that they wont forgive me and that they aren't coming back. I wish I didn't feel like a piece of me is missing, yet i wake up every morning and that feeling is still there hitting me where it hurts and stays all day. Not once leaving my side, most nights I have to force myself to get some sleep yet i wake up in the middle of the night in tears because of the fact there's a piece of me missing. I don't remember the last time I slept thru the night since moving house because not once since all this happened have I managed to have a normal nights sleep. 

Yesterday was hard as it was day that didn't go to well and I felt really disheartened and like a failure coming home. When that used to happen he was there, he would always make things ok with a hug and a smile and remind me I am safe, I was loved and cared for and that its ok for things not to go as we want them sometimes Biz wise and life wise... Yet instead i felt like a failure and like i just keep making a mess of things with everything. Its hard to believe in yourself when no-one else does and your support person/your rock no longer exists. It reminds you that you are truly alone in this world. The good thing was as horrid as I was feeling I didn't give up and I didn't cry as much as I wanted to cry and be angry at the world for my life being as it is, i didn't. 

I just wish "He" was here for a hug and to know everything will be ok, that we'll survive like we always have and things will get better. Yet I know wishes don't come true and that things aren't going to be ok, if ever with some things. I know business wise I will keep sticking it out and keep going because I am determined to prove the naysayers wrong and keep doing what I love and hit my goals...
But as for my personal life is there anything to keep fighting for now after 3 months of this carry on with "him"? I don't want to give up that lil sliver of hope but considering it felt like he wanted to run me over twice last week I'm not sure there is any hope any more... 

I miss my bestfriend, my rock, my everything. I want to share the things that happen and yet I know I cant... because its like I don't exist to them anymore and I have to learn to just be ok with that even though it hurts every single day. He gave me the world and i pretty much destroyed it and everything along with it to the point that he now seems to be happier if i just disappeared. 4 years and I lost everything I ever wanted and didn't even tell him because I was too scared  and because I didn't really like myself that much and believed my mothers words to be true :( and I cant undo that because he wont even forgive me...  all i can do is remember the last time I felt safe and felt like I was home and know that I was at least loved once.