"We live through scars this time..."

It's been a hard week this week, and yet it's only Thursday! Yet I was ready for the weekend since Tuesday if I am honest with myself. Some days I have been able to just ignore the pain, hurt, anger, rensentment, the painful memories the lot and plaster a happy face on for everyone else to see. I have used all that to just push myself further with my training and give me more determination with my gym goals... Some days though it isn't as easy to do, because I am not sure how I am supposed to be ok with losing my bestfriend, my everything, the one person I could tell absolutely everything to and know that it was ok no matter what was wrong. That one person who broke down my walls and fought me to see them. I can't replace that, I cant replace them  either and I am not sure I am ok with facing the world and life without them being in my life. Especially after so much we have survived since we met; hell he kinda just became my bestfriend without me even realising which makes it harder still. 

I sat down at the weekend after last weeks Counselling and wrote my apology letter, which I didn't want to write as he has always said he would rather me talk then write but I had no other option. I can't call, I can't text, I cant iMessage, I'm not even sure if my emails would get through to him anymore. So I sat and I wrote from the heart, explaining my pain, my hurt and my actions and why I am so sorry and scared. I know that there is only a very slim possibility he will even consider accepting my apology, along with him even apologizing to me even though it took two of us to create this mess. All I can keep telling myself is that I at least wrote the truth for me and how I'm feeling with what happened and what I am sorry for and that I am slowly working on my issues. Sadly I have a feeling that it is all too little too late to be honest and it hurts so much. I never wanted this to happen, even though I have pushed him away many a time and vice-versa I always thought we would get through anything after all the other extremely hard situations etc we had been through previously. now I am not so sure when It feels like its all my fault. 

I guess the big lesson I have learned so far this past year is If you don't speak up you will lose out in the long run no matter what the situation. I have to learn to not be scared to speak up and say what I want in my life and actually go after it No matter what it is. I cant live life being scared of every little thing when it comes to things, because otherwise life just passes you by and you end up watching everyone else have a life you can only dream of. I am slowly learning I am a work in progress, I am learning to deal with things I should have dealt with a long time ago, (things he had been pushing me to deal with for at least 2yrs yet i was too scared to). Things that have affected my life and how I see me and what I deserve in my life... I get that I started dealing with this too little too late in some peoples eyes but at least I am dealing and learning to at least be ok with who I am and my life, even if it is never what I have wanted it to be. I just have to learn to be ok with that and know I can only do what I can do and be ok with that. Some scars emotional or physical never fully heal and I am learning to just accept me for me.... the good the bad and everything else just like i do with my friends and family yet with them its easier then we accept ourselves faults and all.. 

Training wise even though I am dealing with a bout of some flu bug has been going pretty well, tabata, zumba and weights training with cardio when I do my gym days. I am also hitting about 12,000 + steps 6-7 days a week. So when I jumped on the scales this week at the gym (1st time in 4weeks) and I have lost just over 4kgs so thats pretty much what I am supposed to be expecting, losing a kilo a week. I have also noticed my left leg is slowly starting to look normal like my right when I look at my ankle etc so its taken over a year for it to start shrinking after not being able to move it and therefore it losing muscle etc... Its hard to think that progress is so slow in coming right since my injury even though I have been swimming and zumba and gym since 3months after surgery and we are only now starting to see differences. So I will just keep doing what I am doing for the moment, along with PT when I can till after Brisbane and then ramp up the training some more from September as I want to hit a few personal goals by the end of the year too... 

This afternoon (Thursday) was a hard one as after yesterdays failed attempt to give someone the letter I was pretty apprehensive about trying again today. Especially since I feel like he wants me dead the past weeks since the stupid fight in the car. But I also know that the right thing was I needed to hand it to him so I knew i had personally delivered it and therefore tackled a fear by facing him to give it even though I was shaking like crazy. It tore me up inside though with one of the looks he gave me and all i wanted was one of his hugs that would make this all go away and everything would be fine. Yet I know I have no right to ask for one or to want one considering the situation. I managed to keep my tears from falling outside which was something, although he probably knew I wanted to cry like hell, yet i made myself try stay in control. I didnt think it would be so hard to hand him that letter and know that it still could be it, that he wont forgive me for my part in what happened and that I have to just find a way to get thru life on my own and never see/speak etc to him again. which is one of my biggest fears since that time in Auckland when he left me.... something he said he would never do again yet thats exactly whats happened and this time I have to just be ok... He taught me to fight for what I believe in and want and yet I cant fight for this when I am the only one from where I am standing... I have to keep reminding myself that I cant turn back time to last year i can only move forward and learn from my mistakes even though it hurts like f**k! 

Probably why James Bay's  song Scars has been in my head so much lately... the lyrics this blog is titled after along with "This fragile heart, So heavy in my chest, it's breaking" is exactly how i have been feeling a lot the past few weeks since it happened along with the fact i have to "Live through scars this time"...   I just have to find a way to keep going each day, even if its just forcing myself to the gym each morning till i dont remember what i lost any more... as sad as that sounds....