Courage...

It's taken me a lot to finally sit down and write this post, WHY? because I have no idea who even reads my blog let alone pays attention to it... Lately I have learned that it doesn't matter who reads it if anyone reads it at all. I have been learning that who gives a Rats Ass, if anyone reads it or if anyone likes me or not. Why should I have to be what everyone else wants me to be? I shouldn't.

I have spent far too much time the last few years worrying about what everyone thinks or how I come across to people instead of just being me and being ok with it. I know it started long before I met *him* and the drama that ensued that first year or even the years since. I also know its not fully his fault either. BUT I have realised that I am no longer going to waste time worrying about what peoples opinions are or how they think or feel when it comes to me... I am Me, I do not need to please everyone or anyone as long as I live my life right which means keeping my morals, having faith and hope, believing in myself and being happy! I do not have to consider things others tell me IE: someone telling me I shouldn't be friends with X,Y,Z, or that I cant do something etc. I have the right and will make my decisions based on my beliefs and what i feel is right.

It's take a long time to be ok with these things considering so much of it started when I met *him* and had people causing trouble left, right and centre, and I was too weak and lacking confidence to stand my ground or fight back. I did do what I felt was right in my heart and lost people and that's ok too. I know they weren't true friends if they caused crap and disappeared so quickly when I didn't do what they wanted. I have come through so much the past two years especially and it took the better part of 16mnths from surgery to just be at peace with my spinal injury/surgery and that it had no explanations. Which was hard for me because i run with facts and science and there was nothing to back what happened up, it was just a freak accident of an injury. Sadly it has also meant I have damaged/pushed away some people I thought would always be there, but as I am learning those that are meant to be in your life do come back. 

I have found I can stand my ground more now and am learning that I do not have to put up with people who treat me like they can pick me up/put me down whenever they feel like it. I have also learned to fight back when someone tells me that I cant be friends or should walk away from someone etc. I do not have to do what they say because I am me and I am strong and follow my heart and my beliefs when I make decisions and to hell what others think of me and going against what they want. 

I have found things that make me smile everyday, yes some days are harder than others, some days I still find I cry because someone is missing in my life. but I have learned that its ok to shed a tear or two and that at least I have some memories that can make me smile, although sometimes they are a little bittersweet when i realise i may never have that again. The great thing is at least I can say I have lived and followed what i believe to be the right thing to do, even if I have broken and trashed my heart and keep to myself a lil more these days. I find happiness in finding my strengths, and am amazed how much i have changed in so many ways. 

Life may not be what or where I thought it would be this year but at least I can Smile and know my worth and that I deserve to be happy and loved. Something I couldnt even say 12months ago which caused me to pretty much destroy something in my life that meant so much to me. Granted it wasnt just me that destroyed it gradually but i feel most responsible because of how i was and things. But as long as I am alive, can walk and just be me then i am still alive and will not stop living... 

In saying that, yesterday I started a 6 week shred programme at the gym, something I never thought I would do but I only live once so why not! so tonight is our first bootcamp and I am a lil scared because our tuesday sessions are in public areas and not at the gym! But I am going and I will hold my head high and do it because I am not the scared shy meek person i was at the start of this year :)