These past two weeks I have tried to just keep myself busy. Focusing on gym/swimming training and the business. Trying not to think or think to much,because thinking will led to me getting upset and hurt and angry all over again. The biz is doing ok although my bookings dropped which is making it harder for my goal this month so I have to make new plans this week 🙂 The gym is good though 6kgs gone in 6wks 🙂 Although not sure if that's related to the stress of the last 2 months and losing my bestfriend....
The thing is I know it's not all my fault, I know that it took two of us to create the disaster that it is. Not even sure what to call it anymore because I'm not sure it was even a proper friendship let alone anything else looking back. Why? Because in a friendship you support each other, care and give time, attention and many other things too. Which to me a lot of the time these little things were lacking here. Sometimes I felt completely alone even when they said they were here and were listening, you could tell their mind was elsewhere and even tho physically present they weren't invested. It's hard too because even though it wasn't perfect and things could've been a hell of a lot better I miss that, I miss them and yet I'm now powerless to fix any of it.
How?
Because I apologised for my part in everything falling apart, I apologised for myself and my thoughts and actions or inactions as they may be. I apologised and asked for forgiveness and have been ignored. The ball as people say was left in the other persons court and looks like completely ignored. To be honest I'm not even sure they read my apology letter since they wouldn't give me time to actually give my apology like I wanted to, heck id finally got the courage to do so and ended up having to write it... It hurts that this person said they wouldn't leave after last time and yet they have, knowing that it's part of what has caused the issues, anxiety and things last time. They've left me and taken a piece of me with then I'll never get back. They knew I've always said and felt that everyone leaves and tried to tell me it's not true yet they've left twice now, how can I not see and believe people always leave when they've done it?
Some days I wish I could feel nothing, just feel numb no emotion nothing as maybe it would make it easier? Somedays are hard especially when that person connected to them gives me a smug look that makes me feel like dog poop. I hate that this person can ignore everything that's happened and act like I never existed. That he can just ignore the fact he has my things and not return them. That we went through so much in four years yet he acts like I'm dead and never existed.
I miss my bestfriend, the person who become my bestfriend without trying. The one who accepted me for me and helped me become a better person, a person I actually was starting to like. A person who was slowly overcoming her fears as she had someone she trusted with her whole being and knew wouldn't judge or leave. The person who was helping her become who she wanted to be and not hate herself or be who she was told she was since day dot. Now I'm just the person I was told I am, the one who ruins everything she touches and the likes. Because as much as I try to be nice, caring, loyal, happy, confident and not anxious it doesn't happen I keep falling on my face lately and making things worse... Yet I have to smile and pretend everything is ok for the outside world to see bcos I'm the person who makes sure everyone else is ok and happy no matter what.
I don't want to have my birthday this week because it truly will be just another day and another reminder that the one person hates me, won't forgive me and I'm everything my mother said I am growing up 😞 if I could just have one wish for my birthday it would be to have my friend back and a hug but I know it's not possible when he acts like I don't exist 😔
So I just have to keep swimming and trying I guess even though it hurts like hell being me.
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