Realisations, Wishes & just remembering to Breathe. . .

Lately when I think about all that's happened the past few months it makes me wonder how things got so screwed up. How did I manage to make so many things worse than what they should be? 


Realised the past few days I haven't let someone know how much I actually appreciate them appreciate the things they do for me, the fact they are always there for me and support me etc. I've kinda let them down in that department and taken them for granted in some ways. The crap thing is now that I see my mistakes I can't get a second chance to fix these. I want to apologise for them but I can't even do that because that person hasn't even read my apology from 4weeks ago. When I apologised for things that caused the rift and for us now to pretty much be strangers to each other. 

A lot of it is due to my anxiety to which I have been learning to get better at handling. Learning to deal with so much the past few months which I know is a good thing. Although it's a lot harder when the one person you want to be there when you just need 1 person, 1 person to support you, to be there when you just need a hug or a smile or to make you laugh. It's funny that person had been wanting me to deal with things for so long, the better part of four years and it's taken losing them to do so... 

I've pushed them away so far that I'm not sure they'll ever come back. What hurts more is the fact I finally get that it's ok to want things and that I'm allowed to get what I want too and be happy instead of what I was always told growing up by the parent. That I didn't deserve to be happy, that no-one would care and love me and I deserved to be alone because she blamed me for all her unhappiness and misery. She blamed me for her poor choices and even blamed me for what happened to me as a child when it wasn't my fault. She didn't put me first and I guess that's why I've punished myself for so long, made sure others were happy and getting what they wanted and believed her words. Why I pushed those I loved & cared for away and now can't change the fact I lost someone I love. Someone I ran from because I didn't want to admit to myself, let alone them that I loved them. That after four years I do love them and that what's happened makes it so much worse as now I have lost my chance, lost them and everything. I can't ignore what I feel or try to bury it because it hits me when I least expect it. 

I know I can't run away again like i did last time, even though I wish I could but I know I have to face things. Face my life and the consequences of my actions and in-actions with these situations. I wish I could though so maybe this would be a little easier, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. I know I have be happy knowing at least I'm alive and can feel things and that, that person is happy in their life with their decisions. I have to believe that they are better off and happier without me around and just be ok. 

Take one step at a time and just breathe even if it's the only thing I do today :)