one of those days.....

Yesterday was probably one of the worst birthdays since I was a little kid. I can say that though because I survived it and all its crumminess. There was a few good points and I am still totally thankful I'm alive and can just do things. I keep finding the silver linings which as we all know is the right thing to do, but boy is it hard sometimes. 

Throughout the day there was moments where I found myself in tears because my life as I knew it is gone. My world/life has changed so dramatically the past 2 years and I could've changed some of it and didn't. Hence the tears, because on days like yesterday it hits me that I had so much and i lost it. Lost it because of my insecurities and fears let alone the fact for so long I never believed I deserved things in my life. mostly due to what i was told growing up and being told for most of my life. Now I know I do deserve the good things in my life yet I possibly have stuffed some of that up and I'm not sure I can fix it now. 

Yesterday all I wanted was a hug from the one person who can make me smile at the drop of a hat, make me laugh and feel like nothing is ever as wrong as it seems... He's the one whose made me realise as much as I do things for other people that I deserve to put me first and its ok to be happy too... Yet he is part of what makes me smile and makes me happy as he helps me be the person I want to be. In four years its the second birthday where he has not said a word to me, no contact at all and it hurts so much. I thought writing and giving him my apology letter 3 weeks ago would have meant that at least by this week we would at least have talked about it and be back to trying to at least be civil to each other. 

Instead it is like I don't exist, I am just another face in the crowd if that... I kinda feel like I did last year where it seemed like he would be happier if i was dead and buried... Im not sure if its actually what or how he wants things but its how it feels... 

Whatever happened to the one who told me to not give up on them? that our friendship etc was worth sticking by and that whatever happened they werent walking away again? He knows my biggest fear is losing him from my life for good and him walking away.... Yet thats exactly what he has done and it hurts like f**k...  I miss my bestfriend, my rock, the one person who pushes me to be the best i can be and i actually like the person i was becoming with him around...

I guess though just like before I have learned to keep going, smile through the pain and act like everything is ok because that is what people expect. I know I also have to focus on the business and look after me. Although the look after me thing is a work in progress, I am enjoying going to the gym 6 times a week and just enjoying what im doing there without worrying about the results.
Ive also been giving myself me time early in the morning on the days I do Aqua instead of the gym by still going early and just reading weither it be a book for the biz or something i just want to read. As well as writing to my penpal in the Oh so happy mail project by FMS.  So I am still doing things for me just things that dont cost and dont cause dramas because I really do not need any drama llamas :)

So as much as I had a crap birthday, do not want to acknowledge my life seems to be no where near what I want or thought for this age... At least I am alive, I can walk and I am mostly happy.