Trying to keep it together....

Today I've had to keep it together more than any of the other days of late... All I want is a hug from him and to know it's all ok and yet my head reminds me that I can't and it's not ok. It's not even remotely ok! He hates me, refuses to talk to me, thinks I'm a horrible person among other things And I'm the one who said goodbye to him and wants his things gone from my life because it hurts seeing them all the time when he's no longer in my life.

I hate that it hurts and that I'm the only one who seems to be hurting constantly throughout this and the past four years. He always acts like nothing hurts him and none of it matters. Yet I can only try to do that and yet I fail... I know I'd run to him in a heartbeat for a hug to magically fix everything and yet I know I can't and it won't. We've hurt each other so much I don't think there's any coming back from that short of a miracle...

I miss the person who can make me smile while I cry, I miss the person whose hugs made everything ok and I knew I wasn't alone and yet do I really have a right to miss those? Do I even have a right to miss him when he picks everyone else but me every time? I'm just the friend whose always there till someone new comes along, and even then Im not sure friend is the right word, maybe its acquaintance?

Earlier today I wondered if he got some kick out of punishing me like he has for the past five weeks, yet I realised the only lesson I'm learning is how much I don't like being treated like I have been of late, with the fight then the constant silence and then pissy texts when he does respond. Especially when I know if I did it to him he'd yell at me for it as he hates it when I didn't talk to him because I was so angry last yr with him... How can be ok doing this?

How can he treat someone like discarded trash and like they never mattered? Was it always about everyone else but me? Was the last four years just bs?

I wish I could feel nothing at all! I want to hate him! Yet I can't and I don't know why! I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to remember the last four years I just wish I could erase it all and have it be like none of it including him existed. At least that way I'd feel nothing and it might be a lil easier getting thru each day trying to keep my head above water without the reminders everywhere 😞😢I don't want to keep crying myself to sleep every night like I have for the better part of two years anymore...