Realisations..... Painful but worth it...

Things are never going to be Ok, and I guess that's the hardest thing about dealing with so much in the past 6 months was the fact something else broke in that time too! Which I'm not sure if it's "a can't"  or "a won't" be fixed. Why? because it's hard to fix something that involved others and it seems only I want to fix and heal from it, to see if we can heal and move forward.  

I have also realised of late that even with counselling and the likes not everything in life can be explained or dealt with and sometimes what others say you should "Just get over" isn't always that easy to do so.  Which is something that has been screwing me up and messing with my head for about 18 months... This injury has been a complete Mind F**k on me because I have always had a bit of scientific view on life, (blame the fact I thrive on science since I was younger). Yet my back injury has no explanation at all! No-one, not even my specialist can pinpoint a reason why it happened, it just did and yet that frustrates me. As everything has a reason, nothing happens without a reason, there's always a reason or explanation for things scientific or for things that happen. Yet for 18months or so this has been completely Mind F**king me because there is none at all. Just like there is no explanation why some days I have no pain at all in my back and leg since surgery and some days there are, or little niggles... It has been completely messing with me in so many ways. 

I never realised how much it was messing with me till the past two weeks or so while connecting the dots with other things I realised this was connected too. I hate the fact that I have this scar on my back for an injury that no one can explain, and it kind of makes me feel like it was punishment for something I have done in my life. Yet I am starting to learn that some things just cant be explained. Sometimes things just happen weither you're a good or bad person things happen. Just like bad/terrible/awful things can happen to the most amazing people. It's hard though reminding myself every day now that it's OK that there is no explanation and that as long as I keep doing what I am doing it hopefully won't happen again. It's also helped me to accept something "he" has tried to get me to deal with at times the past four years, and I get it now...

I get that it's not my fault what happened to me when I was younger, that I did not cause any of it. I get that there is no real explanation for how my parental unit dealt with it either. Nor her behavior towards me since that day. I get her childhood wasn't all sunshine and roses and that maybe that is part of why she has treated me like she has. I also know that her words have no influence on my life if I do not let them, (I picture him rolling his eyes and going finally at this admittance considering its something hes wanted me to accept for so long... too little too late i guess but hey!). What she said was obviously due to her own pain, and unhappiness with her life and the situation. Some of the things she said were uncalled for and should not have been repeated to me over and over growing up. I may not be able to forget the words she said but I am and will be able to at least put the past and her words behind me so I can move forward without the pain and the hurt of the past. 

I may be alone in doing so and it may be a lot of the saying "Too little, too late" - when it comes to the bigger issue of the last 5 weeks or so. It won't help fix whats happened in that situation because one has chosen to act like I do not exist and I have to be ok and accept that. Even if it hurts me a lot more than I am willing to admit.  One thing they taught me was to always keep going no matter how bad things get and to keep fighting and pushing myself with things. Which I guess is great in some ways as I am learning to use the things he used to say to me to push myself at the gym, and with my business goals. 

When it comes to me and my personal life which I guess includes my social life well that's another story I guess and I am just trying to get through each day without bawling my eyes out come bed time. I get a lot of what has happened in my life the past few years is my own fault and he was right when he said "I let my fears get the better of me and dictate my life" because that is exactly what has happened and why I am in the situations I am in. But I can use this to change how I do things going forward in life, To try and Seize opportunities and look after me which includes putting me first and making sure I am ok in the situations I am in. It wont change the pain or the hurt of losing someone important to me and it wont change the fact I actually have no real close friends at all now since Andrea passed away and he has gone.  But I will keep aiming for my goals and trying to achieve my dreams and hope that I can at least remember the things they have taught me.  I am also going to learn to not let my fears dictate my life...

Along with just trying to believe that Time Heals All wounds and that maybe it can heal friendships and other things I am scared I have broken the past year or so... :)