When you lose that 1 person from your life that you didn't think you would...

It's been a strange 6-7 weeks and it's taken me till this week to figure out how to write things without bursting into tears all over my laptop between the pain from injury and all this.... 

I guess as much as the last few years have been difficult in someways with this person. I realize that I was happier and doing well when they are in my life, especially when I'd physically get to see them. They could make me laugh when all I wanted to do was hide & cry, they bought out the best and the worst in me but that wasn't a bad thing either. They kept me grounded and focused on what I wanted to do and where I wanted to get to in life, and I knew they supported me and pushed me to achieve the goals I set because they were there and showed they cared etc. 

These days things are different... Infact this whole year has been screwed up and different in so many ways and I hate that it's now ending with this person not being in my life. I never thought there would come a day where they wouldn't be a part of my life forever. But here I am standing and realising that they are probably never going to come back.  

I know some people will be happy about it that didn't like me, and some will be happy because they caused some of the problems and hurdles the past few years, and some will be happy just because they take pleasure in other people's pain. 

The last 6wks or so I have done a lot of thinking after something this person said because it honestly hurt me and I didn't get why they said it when since I've known them they have always pushed me to learn to trust. I did learn to trust & that person was the first person I've let into my life all the way in a very long time, let alone trusted with everything in my life.

They saw the good and the bad absolutely everything, they've seen me at my worst in the middle of an anxiety/panic attack as well as at my most happy go lucky self. Sadly as the months have gone on I've lost my happy go lucky part of me, in fact I don't think I even remembered the last time I really fully enjoyed myself in the past year. Because the last time I remember was just before Christmas in 2012 when I was at the beach.... seems so long ago like I didn't really live it, just dreamed it one night in my sleep. 

But i guess that's like a lot of things I've experienced the past few years. It's like it was all a dream in my head, like none of it even happened and that this person never existed, just a figment of my imagination because in someways my life and what happened with this person the past few years could kind of read like a book or even the script of a soap opera on TV to be honest. 

It doesn't help that this person blurred the boundaries to suit them and im not sure they knew they were doing it at times, which has made a lot of things that have happened the past few years even harder to deal with for me at least, not sure how they saw it but I know it confused other people who knew or saw or heard us spend time together, probably another reason the following bit happened too I guess...

To make it worse is the fact there were people that caused problems and issues which led us to mistrust, anger, pain and for me humiliation too. 

now all of it reminds me that no matter what I do in life or what i want in my life, even if I find it the world will play cruel tricks on me and whip it all away after I've had a taste of how much i want something in my life. 

This whole experience has also taught me that love whether it's love for a friend or otherwise is bullshit! it's just a cruel sick joke that suckers you in before kicking you to the ground before running over you with a tank several hundred times.

 My mother it seems was right when it comes to my life, I don't deserve anyone to care about me let alone love me because I seem to destroy the good things one way or another and sometimes without even realising I'm doing so.

 I was ok being alone before I met this person as I had come to terms with being alone in life, not having my own family or people that loved me for me or even having my own kids bcos for some reason I just had a feeling that was just how it was going to be and I learned to cope and be ok with that. I focused on my health, work, study and training and I knew if I needed a pick me up I could live in my books for awhile. I had a couple of bestfriends, a few ppl I believed to be true friends and people I thought of as friends but not ones I'd have much to do with or trust things with. 

Unfortunately or fortunately I'm not really sure to be honest, this person changed all that and now I have to figure out how to be that person i was again. I can admit that being like that I wasn't really living just merely existing but I think maybe that's better for me now especially now things have changed and I'm not ok. 

I've lost that person who helped me become someone who was living and happy and a lot more carefree, even though I lost people who I believed were true friends, not so worried about the ones i was unsure of as obviously they weren't and I'm ok with that.

I'm not sure where I fit in anymore, I don't feel like I belong or fit in, in Wellington anymore... I know I don't belong down south and I never belonged or fitted in up in Auckland. I don't know where I fit in or belong... I also don't know what I'm supposed to do or who I'm supposed to be anymore.  I had these goals that this person was pushing me to achieve but the last couple of months I've been wondering what the point of it all is when I don't have family or a reason to do it. Especially now with my injury I'm not sure if i'll ever be able to do all the things I used to do at work in the early childhood centre's. I'm also back to that issue of do I really want to work with other people's children when all I've wanted the past 8 - yrs is to have a family of my own and yet I never will. It's like a constant reminder of what I will never have... 

So much of my thoughts of where do I belong started after I last saw this person a few months ago and realised that I'm not grounded, I'm scared and I have no idea what I'm doing anymore because I don't have that person to talk to about things like I used to the past 2yrs. The person also seemed like they were trying to say goodbye and remove me from their life right then at the last few moments before I said goodbye and got out of the car, but I never noticed as much as I did the past couple of weeks. WHY? ? Because I'm the fool who believed them when they made a promise to me. I'm the fool that believed them earlier this year when they said they needed me in their life after I disappeared down south without telling them or being in contact with them. They were the one who kept saying I was important to them.... yet I'm the fool who got suckered in to believing it all and not seeing the truth.... I'm not even sure what to believe anymore, do I follow and believe my head or my heart and gut instincts? Everything is so screwed up since that person said that one sentence to me that has hurt me so badly... That they have never trusted me, so what am I supposed to believe? Because as much as I want to believe my heart & gut instincts I just don't know anymore. 

And theres nothing I can do because from their behaviour and attitude towards me the past month or so it seems they've chosen to walk away from our friendship, the promises they've made and everything else that goes along with it. 

I'm left here unsure of how it came to this when for months till I flew home it seemed things were going to be ok that our friendship was healing and things would be ok. Trust was being rebuilt and withheld secrets that i was scared to tell them were coming out because I was learning not to be afraid anymore with this person, because I always felt safe with them since day 1 which is something I've never had before in my life.  

But that's all fallen away, they've chosen to just disappear and leave me with so many questions on what I did wrong and why they made promises if they never were going to keep them. As well as feeling like I've lost a limb or a piece of me that I will never get back and that will always have a gap where it's missing. I guess though that the pain from my missing piece will always remind me that I once let someone so far into my life that they knew/saw everything and that it's too painful to have that happen again. 

It will hopefully help me find that place I used to be where I was just existing and was ok because I think that's probably the best place for me from now on as I can't hurt me or anyone else if I'm merely existing. I can pretend to me happy and living without actually doing so because it at least keeps them happy and  quiet & stops those awkward questions no one enjoys. It also means everyone else can just be happy and that's something I've always wanted is just everyone to be happy!

~ ~ To the person who left my life/walked away from our friendship ~ ~

I told you a few months ago that I didn't need you in my life, but that i wanted you in my life. That you were important to me because you made me live, smile & i was learning to be this person I was even beginning to like a little. That you made me feel safe and that you meant more to me than you'll ever know and that will always be true. I never had to pretend to be normal or any of the things I had to with others because it was just ok to be me. 

 I also know that even tho i may want you in my life, I know that I don't get to make that decision because as much as one can care and love someone it's just not always enough and you can't force someone to stay in your life if they don't want to be in it. 

I know that even though you are gone that I will still probably feel that weird bond we have and know when things aren't ok, but I will have to learn to ignore it and keep going, bcos I'm not sure that bond like invisible string will ever bring you back to my life any more :-( 

I sent you back the one thing you gave me that meant so much to me the other week because the memories that it brings hurt me so much lately because I'm not sure if what you said when you gave to me was the truth or just another line you could've said to anyone and I'm not sure if that's bcos of what you said about trust or my own insecurities. But know that I loved that item it meant a lot to me for so many reasons incl the fact AM said you don't generally give ppl things unless they are really important to you. but i can't have it around me while I'm hurting since you've decided to walk away from our friendship. I hope it helps you remember the times you made me smile and the great times we had and how much you mean to me, look after it always for me please. 

Thanking you for caring & "trying to love me" & being my friend, even for the little while you were in my life know that I will be forever grateful that you did for that short while. 

I just hope that you find happiness, peace and love because all I've ever wanted was for you to be happy and I  made my decisions the past few years thinking it was best for you & everyone else as you & everyone else  would be happy and have the life you all wanted without my hassles etc. So i hope you find that and everything else you are looking for in life because I just want to see everyone happy. 

Looking back the past few days I realise you became my bestfriend, the one I always went to first, the one who I believed cared even when I made a silly mistake or a bad decision. That it didn't matter how badly I stuffed up you still cared & "loved me" & were there. You were why it didn't bother me when AM disappeared from my life bcos you had taken her place and then some.

 So thank you again. X 

SEMPRÈ

Don't judge a book by it's cover - Don't judge an injury/pain by what you see...

The past 2 weeks have been some of the hardest I have had to face this year. I think in someways it's because I have had to face it on my own too because P can't be here and my sister is so far away and as for "him" well he's in his own lil world it seems bcos even tho he says he's there & cares, when crunch time comes it's silence :( 

I have been dealing with pain in my back, hip & left leg for 21 weeks come Friday. This includes 2 trips to 2 different Emergency departments in 2 different cities, many physio appointments since August, a few doctors appointments and several 100 dollars spent on Travel & painkillers and other remedies in the hopes it would ease my pain. Unfortunately none really have eased the pain it's constantly there and when I walk it's worse in my left leg and brings me to tears quite alot.

It's caused me to be in bed somedays all day, to crawl like a toddler bcos I desperately needed the bathroom yet couldn't stand and even had me bawling on the side of the bath because all I wanted was the pain to go away so I could have a decent shower and wash my hair with some dignity. 

I understand Chronic pain as I have a friend who has been dealing with chronic pain thru a different injury but it's taught me how it works and that generally people don't understand that you're on chronic excruciating pain because they can't see it. Most people don't understand injuries or illnesses that they can't see. The past 21wks I have been learning to hide how much pain I'm in because people don't understand. It's not till they see or you tell them you can't do certain things do they try understand why. 

For me this has been hard because I live with routines I always have and I don't cope without them. Each morning I used to get up, head straight to the shower then i have breakfast and do dishes before I set washing machine off if need be then I'd settle down to study.  The first few weeks in july I couldn't do the dishes every day but then I started feeling a little better and managed to do them. I was doing them right up until the day I ended up Wellington ED again :(  

This is when the pain began affecting my hip, leg, ankle and foot on my left side. It hurt to stand and I barely could walk. For me this is not ok as I have always been very independent and always on the go since I was 18. 

Wellington ED did xrays and asked lots of questions poked and prodded and decided it was still a back sprain and that it was just affecting my left side but would go away with a bit of physio. If it didn't come right in another 4wks see my gp for a referral.  So we were sent home with codeine, panadol & ibuprofen Amd made an appointment for 5 days time to see physio. In the mean time a couple of times I ended up crawling to the bathroom etc bcos my left leg couldn't handle me standing on it at all... which upset me quite a lot as they told me it would be fine yet here I am crawling yet I used to go to the gym 5 x a wk.... 

I started physio and my physiotherapist Gale was great she could see i was struggling to stand & found it awkward to sit at times. She poked and prodded and did acupuncture and gave me exercises to do till I came back the next wk. 

Unfortunately the pain was still bad and my walking was on and off as I struggled standing. Physio the nxt wk was the same with no real improvement in fact she said I needed to see my gp and try for an MRI as she wants to see what's going on. Then I was to see another physiotherapist there the following week as they were going to tag team my care to see if it would help. So i saw Kyla who tried different things and was still noticing my walking was slowly getting worse and my pain was becoming more excruciating with different things. 

I finally got to see my GP 3wks ago who referred me to Dr Kanji and also changed my pain meds in the hopes that these new meds would dull the pain down considerably... unfortunately it's still constant excruciating pain, somedays they take the edge of a little other days not at all. We made an appointment for Dr Kanji which was supposed to be this past thurs but got bumped up. .. 

I attended the first appointment with Dr Kanji and Dr Claire and another Dr. I had no idea what was happening at first. Was put on the bed and poked and prodded and pulled and injected and told they'd be back soon they needed to discuss and have lunch. I lay there frightened and scared because my pain was excruciating and would they be able to figure out why and why I hadn't come right when each visit to ED I was told it would come right on its on and to just keep doing what I always do in my life. 

They came back and poked prodded pulled pushed and things some more and discussed among themselves. I heard Dr Kanji say I should already been in hospital if my pains bad... then they disappeared for a bit then came in again and had me lie down awkwardly on the bed with my legs hanging off. This made me feel extremely nauseous even tho it was 1 pm in the afternoon and I hadn't eaten since 8am.  I was like that for 5 mins then he came back and got me to stand up which is fine bcos I wasn't moving just standing and he asked how pain was. How do u explain it's sore but bcos I haven't moved leg yet I can't really explain the pain level? 

I had to lie down awkwardly again and he was going to contact ppl about getting me an MRI. Now I'll happily admit I am slightly claustrophobic due to things when I was younger so the thought of an MRI freaked me out so much. All I wanted right there and then was him to be there and give me one of those hugs that he used to give me that would seem to make everything better even for just a little bit. 

I got the call from radiology in Lower Hutt to say I'd been booked in for an emergency MRI at 8.20 the next morning. Then Dr Kanji came back to see my pain levels again and give me a script for new meds to take at night along with the meds I'm already taking.  He said they would help control the pain at night and help me sleep as the tramadol I'm on doesn't help with sleep for me like it does with other people. 

He then sent me home with instructions that i was to come back to him after the MRI the next day so I could be told the diagnosis and see where to from there.... 

I was up at 5am the next morning after a restless crappy sleep to be in the hutt on time for my mri. I was scared and shakey and felt like there was butterflies in my tummy.  He made it a lil better by texting and reminding me I'm brave but I didn't feel brave I was so scared. The nurse with me for my mri was lovely and tried to help keep me calm. 

It's not an experience I want to endure again. I explained it to him as being squished in a can and not being able to see out and to me i felt like it must be what one would feel like if you were buried alive. I tried to picture my trip to the beach in Auckland with him and how he always reminds me I'm brave and can do anything and that he believed in me and was there. All the while silent tears rolled down my face bcos I had to try stay still. I was so grateful when it was all over even tho I felt disorientated.  

I took my time getting back to the city as I felt I needed to just come to terms with the fact I just faced part of my fears. I think some of it was also bcos I dreaded knowing what was going to happen next bcos theres so many different stories on back surgeries back problems etc and how things go wrong that it was all messing with my thoughts and how i was feeling because no-one had actually asked me how i was feeling the past 24hrs in this whirlwind.. 

I got back to Dr Kanji's office and they showed me my MRI and explained what it meant and how lucky I am to be walking at all. Even tho my walking was excruciating and I had to stop alot and was slow as a snail. Dr Kanji said I would not be allowed to work or study for the next 6-8mnths. That it would be a painful slow recovery but I would recover albeit I'd never quite be the same again I could go back to being almost normal one day. That i was grateful for altho no work or study was something I was trying not to cry about. I had to be strong and just nod my head and not cry. 

He stated there would be no surgery but that he could fix it with this slow process of me doing nothing apart from the traction exercise and a few others he wanted me to do. I'm not allowed to sit for long times no dishes and no standing for long periods of time. It was a lot to take in altho i felt relieved bcos he said no surgery as I don't like having surgery as I don't like hospitals too much and I don't want to go thru it alone... 

I got to go home with an appointment to be back this past Monday to start treatment plan etc. So i had the weekend off to get my head around things and try get a handle on what was going to happen next.

I got there this past Monday and was asked my pain levels, they changed the night meds again to see if these new ones had less side affects. Claire did acupuncture on me which was slightly different to how kyla my physio was doing it. It felt slightly awkward to me lying there in silence.

Then it was time for the needles to Come out and she manipulated my back a little before it was all over. I had to come back Friday to be assessed again. As I was leaving apparently I looked really dodgey as at times I stopped to lean on the wall which is bcos I'm in that much pain it hurt to move my leg. But if I didn't i can't get home etc. So Claire and Nikki got me to try using crutches to help  my walking without so much pain or pressure on my leg... 

They help but it makes things harder to do and get around as bcos my walking is  deteriorating it's putting a lot of pressure on my ankle when I walk. The crutches help keep me stable when I walk but it's still a lot of effort and it causes my leg to ache behind my knee. It's also hard to get from our mailbox to the front door as our house is on a hill. 

I struggle to get to the bus stop which is about 6 houses down the hill on crutches because the ground is uneven so it's rather painful. The good thing is now the bus drivers don't need to be asked to lower the bus as the see crutches and  do it straight away where beforehand without crutches  they would give me a look when I asked bcos I looked "normal".

I think that's what frustrates me the most is because my injury isn't visible people think it doesn't exist that the pain doesn't exist and I can do everything I used to do. Even if they see me struggling to walk they don't understand that I'm in chronic excruciating pain because the prolapsed disc is pushing/sitting right up against my spinal cord which is affecting my left leg extremely badly.   Heck the last few days my foot didn't like the sheet or even my sock touching yet! This is bcos all my nerves in my leg and foot are extremely sensitive due to what's going on in my back. My back is affecting so many things that I never knew it could till now. 

On Friday just been I returned for the 2nd review with Dr Kanji who asked how my pain is right then, bcos I was sitting not moving it was a 6-7 from memory which he was pleased about even tho I said that it constantly changes one minute it could be a 3 next 5 mins I'm back to 9 or 10. Lately I'm btwn a 7 to 10. This depends on stress, what ive done and how much sleep and rest i get, altho I'm taking my pain meds as I'm supposed to the pain is always there. 

He made some notes, said I still needed to see my gp to get paperwork for uni etc and to keep taking meds. He also said he wouldn't be surprised if I ended back up in ED with numbness or not being able to walk soon and gave me his card with cellph # in case that happens as they are to call him bcos he doesn't want me having surgery or needles anywhere near my back. I'm not sure why he's said no surgery etc but I'm supposed to just do as I'm told.

They did finally give me something to help with the constant nausea but I'm still not really eating bcos of it. I've had a few smoothies and crackers abd fruit but the nausea just makes me want to throw up so I try not to eat much when I do eat. I drink lots of water tho as my meds give me an extremely dry mouth so my drink bottle is my constant companion...

I then saw Nikki the physio there who did some stuff with my legs and back which hurt. I actually felt quite sore when I finally left. I don't see them now till the first week of Dec in the fri.

Im now feeling unsure on how this treatment plan is supposed to help me when we know the cause of My pain therefore shouldn't we eliminate it so I can recover and get back to normal a lot quicker than the 6-8mnths he's saying with this way?  

I'm frustrated bcos I'm supposed to be positive all the time yet its hard when you're in excruciating pain all the time. I want to not be on such high levels of pain meds. I want to be showering normally,  doing my every day routine and even going to the gym. I miss my life and being able to do things I used to take for granted like hanging out washing, doing dishes, running.  It's hard bcos I don't know when I won't need crutches, no one can say when the pain will be gone... everything is a big question mark 

When I spoke to ACC this week my caseworker was lovely and understanding. She said they would help anyway they can as they understood that i waited 21wks for them to finally help me. She said she would talk to Kyla my physio and they could possibly send me for a second opinion with a back specialist.  Bcos she understood that I'm not coping doing nothing and that I'd rather be recovering faster now we have a diagnosis and know what's causing the pain why not fix it which would eliminate my constant excruciating pain. I admit I hate surgery but if it's going to help then i will go thru with surgery. So i hope I get a referral for the 2nd opinion soon as I'm curious to hear what they think is best!

I just wish people would understand that just because you can't see my injury doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I am  in constant excruciating pain, somedays I'm lucky I can stand let alone walk a few steps.. so you should never judge a book by it's cover!  Be supportive and try just listen to someone and treat them normally and just be a friend, because that's really what one needs to be understood and know that ppl understand that the constant pain  doesn't just disappear even with meds and even tho we look normal there's a hell of a lot of things going on inside our bodies that you can't see and it's hard for us to explain so be patient and just be supportive and show you care if you know someone in a similar situation.

This has taken me most of the last 2 days to write due to the pain but I felt it i needed to write it down so others have a glimpse into what this is like but also so I have a written recollection of it in years to come. My bestfriend and my sister used to always tell me to write because it helps clear ones head. 

So thank you for those whose support means I've had the courage to write this and been able to get thru the last 21wks even tho I'm scared and not sure what's going to happen at least I am able to try stay a lil positive thanks to you all...

 also a big thank u to my sister & "him" for reminding me i can be brave while facing some of my biggest fears - I am truly grateful you both do that in ur own ways 💜 xx

Pain pain go away!

So it's been 15 wks and counting since my injury first occurred and 5 wks since I ended up in Wellington hospital. Sadly I am still no better off with doing physio etc. Instead I'm taking panadol & ibuprofen like tic tacs and it's still not even dulling the pain.

Some days are better than others but sadly it's like I'm having to say goodbye to life as I knew it. Goodbye to being able to walk, goodbye to working out at the gym several times a week and even goodbye to just taking a shower easily. Life isn't how it was a few months ago in so many ways.

I guess to make matters worse is the fact I'm having to deal with it all on my own. No one understands how much pain I'm in and I actually have no one I can really rely on anymore.

The past few weeks have been ones of revelations that hurt like hell. Mostly because one won't admit that they lied to me. That they did it for their own selfish reasons. What sucks more is all I want is to feel completely numb and have no memories so then life can just be as it is...

Unfortunately life isn't what it seems and I guess I can't make that happen. I just have to hope that one day I won't remember any of it.

Friends or Foes?

I never thought I would ever title a post this but I guess after the past few days events I have been doing a lot of thinking...

I had someone contact me after just about 20 months of not talking to me. I did try to contact them before Christmas last year but it didn't work as it seemed the other person didn't want to hear of it. It was a hard thing to do too as I believed I wasn't fully in the wrong for why the falling out happened but I learnt to just carry on with my life.  It was painful and hard and pretty much what you would expect when you fall out with your bestfriend. I won't lie I have missed her but like I told him a few months ago, I tried and obviously it didn't work so I must just keep on with my life...

Shockingly she contacted me this past weekend which first knocked me for a 6 and then made me cry due to the past few months when my other bestfriend past away.  I was relieved that contact was made but now I'm feeling like it wasn't what I thought, even though I know it will never be the same i feel like it wasn't in the true friendship sense that I was contacted.

All because he mentioned to me how this friend and another had been saying things that were not true about me and that neither him or I should be friends with each other. He reminded me of this the other day after I asked if he instigated the contact (which I knew in my heart he hadn't but had to be sure). 

So now I'm at this crossroads of whether I try believe it's for the right reasons or look at the signs and follow my instincts that it's possibly to fish for info and cause trouble just like SS did a few months ago. I hate thinking the worst of someone though especially someone who I was such good friends with....

So is she friend or foe keeps playing on my mind and I'm unsure what to do about it. Especially when there's so much else going on here with recovering from my injury, Camp quality stuff, study and looking at new teaching stuff.....

What do you do when believing hurts?

For the past two weeks I have been trying so hard to believe that what I think and feel towards a certain situation is right. That I'm not being lied to and hurt again that I can trust a person's word. As well as believing in my own gut instincts.

But it's getting so hard to do so.... I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing or not and at the moment I have far too much time on my hands to think  due to my injury...

I wish there was a manual so one could understand life and how to handle different situations bit there isn't. We just have to try believe we are making the right decisions and that we can trust others around us.

The upside this past week is I had training for Camp Quality last weekend. I feel empowered and ready to handle my camper if I'm matched and ready to give them an amazing week of fun and enjoyable experiences at camp in January. It also gives me something to look forward to since other things seem to get forgotten about and only I seem to remember 😕

Roll on the next 4 weeks when I will know if I have been matched with a camper for January ☺

Why can't things have a resemblance of normality?

This week has been frustrating as hell due to the nerve issues that had me in hospital on Monday. It's meant that I can't do things for too long and that I can be in excruciating pain just while standing in the shower. So this is where frustration sets in as I hate not being able to do things. I also hate the fact the one person whom I thought would at least check on how i am etc has been too wrapped up in themselves to care. Not even a text to ask how I am 😕

Which hurts immensely as up until I came back to the North Island it seemed like they actually cared a lot. Now I feel like it's out of sight out of mind. Although today after a text I got from a completely different person I feel like i never mattered the last few mnths were just to boost ones ego etc till she wanted him again. I'm not sure what to believe but I really just wish I could have erased everything even though it hurts me to think that way erasing the last few yrs might actually help with removing feelings and at least letting me stop falling for the b.s. he seems to keep bringing to my life.

I hate that we don't choose who we fall for. That it just happens.. I also hate that the bitch who lied and made me loose trust in him is still affecting how i think... due to what's been happening past few weeks. Her words shouldn't affect me but they do just like how he does things affects me not that he realises.

I just wish I could have some normality in my life and stability and know whether I really can trust the people in my life and whether they do plan on keeping his word.

But i guess wishes are just that and never happen....

Pain... Be Gone!

So my second trip to the hospital in 3 months this week...Why? Because Southland Hospital never really did their job well and I've ended up having a relapse.

So after 4.5 hours at Wellington hospital, excruciating pain in my left hip causing me to not be able to walk on Monday.  The Dr at E.D. had me do xrays and concluded that we need a 6 week management plan that includes physio (& we all know that will equal more pain). Along with new pain meds and that if the next 6 wks of physio etc doesn't help then we go back for more tests...

So 3 days later and I can walk but can't do too much at once otherwise it gets really achey and I need to rest. But the doctor did say to try a Lil more each day as other wise it will get worse, as is the joy of muscle/nerve damage connecting back & hips. I'm only taking meds at bed time and first thing in the morning so as not to be headachey or sluggish.

The downside to having to take things easy and be careful is I'm getting bored at home. As well as only having my flatmate for support as the other person I thought would be supportive is in their own Lil world it seems lately.

Thank god for books and dvds at the moment! Let's hope physio helps things come right as I have training next wknd for Camp Quality.

Secrets & Lies and all things in between.

So I have been struggling to understand  this since the weekend  and can't really tell the one person I want to talk to about it because  I'm not sure if a shit storm will follow. I did tell little bits of it bcos as soon as I heard his voice I broke down in tears.

I hate that I trusted someone because  others did and they knew I don't trust people easily and then this person used me to their advantage  and hurt me. I am frustrated  at myself for not trusting  my gut instincts  on something  this person said, instead I doubted myself and hurt myself in the process for 2 months till my sister & P said that they didn't think it was true either and that I should trust my instincts. For the past couple of years even he has been telling me to trust my instincts  and myself. Now I understand  why because  in someways  I let this person have power to hurt and use me.

She's darn lucky I never confronted him with the lies she told me. I can't even explain  why I didn't  just part of me felt I shouldn't...lucky for her too because I would hate to think what would happen  if I had. Especially  after what info I did tell him after bursting into tears on Monday night to him. He sounded so pissed off at how hurt I was as it tis  that had I told him everything  god I hate to think....

From where I am standing she had a mutual friend help too and that mutual friend was someone I had believed  in even when others didn't. I guess the lesson is though that you learn who your true friends  are when things like this happen.

I don't get why someone would lie the way she did. Even if you severely  dislike someone you shouldn't  stir the pot the way she did. Or if it's jealousy? Not that there's  reason to be jealous  from where I'm standing,  as she's the one whose got the things in life I've always  dreamed about...

It's weird and people  are weird and I guess questions will always go unanswered because  that's how life goes. I also find it funny she hasn't apologised for what she's done..

I hate that yet again someone has hurt me and made me doubt myself and my instincts  as well as have me doubt why I should trust someone in my life that's important to me. It hurts that i can't change  that I can only keep moving forward  as the past has been and gone. I wish I had never trusted her but I guess at the same time it's a lesson  I needed  to learn. I am glad she's removed  herself  from my life as people like that i do not need at all.

I guess I have learnt to take a different  stance after the harassment  and I know that I did nothing wrong and that this was an abuse of my trust.

Life & it's lessons

It's been just over a week since my bestfriend passed away, & the past 24hrs I've wanted to Skype/facebook/text her only to click on her name and then remembered that I can't and stop myself.  All because some things have happened in my crazy life that I would always tell her and one other first...

Now I'm pretty much back to keeping things to myself in many ways because Andrea is gone and the other person only seems to care when they want too. (Not sure if that's actually the case but it's certainly how i feel sadly).  I never thought I would end up just keeping things to myself as I always thought Andrea would be there.... As for the other one I'm not sure what to think as some days are better than others....

Life just really isn't how i thought it would be when I came home. In some ways it's Amazing but in other ways I'm sitting here wondering why I came back when in someways life's just like it was before I left and I want to erase things again so it won't hurt....

I feel like the things I realized I wanted in my life are just not going to happen because I already missed my chance and I decided too late so now the universe just gets to enjoy me getting pissed off bcos the things I want are so far out of my grasp.

I guess that's when you learn Hindsight is a bitch and that life should have a manual sometimes...

Then it just makes me think maybe I just have to get used to this crap bcos it's how my life is and nothing will change even though I try so why try? *shrug*

BUT at least I can say I'm grateful my flatmate is awesome, my new cat is a great snuggler and that I can find something to smile about each day even when it's been horrible.  

Lemons, Lemons & more Lemons.

The past 2 weeks have been a bit up & down, As I finally arrived home in Wellington and had to start unpacking things.  I'm lucky in the fact that I have a great flatmate who is understanding and caring and gets that sometimes life really does throw you lemons. 

Which lately it feels like it's doing it constantly.  I left so someone would be happy & better off, as well as hoping that distance and no contact would make all feelings disappear & like none of it ever happened.  It didn't work, I can't just flick a switch to make my emotions/feelings go away. I also can't seem to do what I think is right for others because I get yelled at for it. I thought at least if one person was happy and getting what they want then it would all be worth it... Apparently not!

I really do wish there was a way to turn feelings/emotions off though because they just destroy people/things, they add complications.  I have no idea what I am supposed to do in one aspect of my life which sucks big time. But i can hear what he said about I just have to deal/get over it bcos nothing changes it will always be this way.... which makes me still wonder why it all happened to begin with. Was I used? Was I a stand-in? Or have I always mattered but what's happened has destroyed anything possible?  All these questions which I will probably never have an answer to. He does keep telling me that if I didn't matter he wouldn't be around or call or do anything but some days I wonder if it's out of guilt... How did life get so complicated and difficult? 

To add to things, a day a go my bestfriend passed away. I am completely lost for words as she was only a few years older than me. Andrea was someone who was always there for me thru thick and thin as I was for her. We reminded each other to be brave and keep fighting.  She always had a smile when we skyped  etc no matter how she was feeling and that smile was infectious.  I hate the idea that I now have to live in a world without her smile and laughter. Life really is unfair sometimes as I'm not ready to say goodbye to my bestie. . .

What scares me is that she was only a few years older than me although she leaves a legacy thru her 2 children.  If I died what would I leave? Nothing... I'd just be dead, alone and dead and that scares me. 

It bites when you know what you want in life yet it's just never going to happen.  I had a taste of it yet I destroyed that and now live with the consequences everyday since.

I just hope Andrea knows how much we all loved her and how much we will miss her.

Fly free my amazing bestie xx

Hello August!

So it's been 7days I have been in the north island and I have to say it's been great to see the sunshine again. Let alone not feeling cold 24/7 and actually being able to wear dresses again!

As much as I feel happier for coming back to the North Island and seeing/realising things, I'm struggling with a few things. Things I am not sure i will be fully ok with for awhile. Let alone the fact as much as I know things something happens that makes me doubt or feel otherwise...

maybe I'm just too screwed up to be ok *shrug* because it seems as much as I try and I realise things and say things.... I end up doubting things/life and I have no idea if I'm making the right decisions....

I wish somedays life came with a manual so I knew what I am supposed to do....

The good thing is I have been able to focus more on my fitness again as I started back at configure this wk even tho I'm not in welly yet. It's helping to gain some focus and to block out the issues...

I still wish I could've deleted the past 2yrs so they never existed as maybe my head wouldn't be so confuzzled and I wouldn't be hurt or unsure of my decisions or who/what to believe these days. But apparently you can't erase time as you just end up hurting yourself more then you thought.

But sometimes it would make things easier....

But it's August and I'm going to focus on getting settled and just making a plan with uni and gym so I can focus on it all a Lil better now I'm back... one would say I'm going to live in a bubble again but I don't see it that way...

Although i did openly admit this week what I'm so terrified about but not completely why but in some ways I am not sure why I admitted it when it just makes things worse in some ways sadly...

I guess I will just never have the life I wanted growing up and as much as I hate to admit it not everyone gets what they want and as much as everyone deserves happiness sometimes  it just never happens. You just have to accept you're life as it is and be happy with the crap u get dealt each day :-)

Ho hum

So it's been just about a week since my birthday and quite honestly it was basically another crap day... a couple of texts received and that was it. I thought one person might have made a big deal or something but nope. Yet again I need to just learn I can't expect anything that way I won't get disappointed. 

Disappointment seems to be the keyword the past few years sadly. But it has taught me that I should only rely on myself no matter what the situation as its just easier and less painful.  Which i was reminded of earlier this week when i asked some one a question just to see what they said. Funnily enough they replied and acted exactly as i expected them to.  Lucky I already had decided that i would do things my way.

It's now only a few days till i leave the south and now I'm really not sure i am making the right decision.  Although i know opportunity wise it's a better decision to head home then stay, I hate the idea of going home to the unknown. The having to find a house I like in an area I'm ok with. Sorting out what's happening with work and just figuring out what i should be doing in my life, let alone who I want in my life.

I'm nervous scared and anxious about heading home and I feel it's only going to get worse as the next few days pass. Hopefully I will get over it once I get home......

Crash... Bang...

It's been one of those weeks where I am now physically and mentally exhausted from all that's happened.  Yet I am still trying to keep going even though I have no idea what I am supposed to be looking forward to in life, let alone what I'm supposed to believe in or who to believe in anymore. 

I do at least know that I am starting to put myself first even though it could hurt or annoy others but after the past few days I've realised that if I don't no-one else will. Everyone is always out for themselves and they don't care who they hurt or step on to get there.

I have less than 20 days till I leave to make a fresh start but I'm feeling pretty uncertain on that too  bcos as much as I want to believe life is what one makes it I'm not sure i can make it how i want or how i believe it should be when nothing I aim to achieve happens. Instead others ruin and destroy my dreams/goals/plans or just cause a general lack of trust.

I've lost so much the past few years and yet none of it was completely my fault and i can admit i did stuff some things up and make it worse but I'm probably the only one who will admit i stuffed up. It's also taught me not to let anyone in because as much as u trust people they will always hurt you.

The past few days has proved that considering I'm no longer staying where i was and instead am staying at a good friends place till i leave. Because  i didn't feel safe or ok for the past week or so at P 's place due to things.

I don't hold grudges and I still care but I can guarantee I won't hear from her for quite sometime if at all because she couldn't understand why I felt unsafe etc. I don't expect anyone to truly understand unless they've been in the same situation I've been in growing up.

I'm just grateful I'm learning to put myself first, not listen to others opinions on certain things and keep trying.  I just wish I knew what I do now a few years ago so I wouldn't have had to go through everything I have and would still have my life the way I had it before I got sucked into a vortex of pain and turmoil.

Life wouldn't be so confusing, let alone messy or anything else for that matter. I wouldn't feel like I've been used/abused, taken for granted and betrayed by people I believed in.

Life really is an interesting bag of crazy.

Expectations. . .

The past day or so a couple of us have been discussing the reasons we get frustrated or annoyed with other people's actions, as well as how these actions could/can affect us. I found this quite interesting as I know I am someone who will always keep a secret even when I no longer see the person involved, I trust/believe people keep promises and are honest. During this lengthy discussion I mentioned this and we discussed that expectations are the problem. 

 Why? Because we have expectations of ourselves but we also have expectations of our family/friends/partners etc. These expectations end up being the problem because as P put she used to expect her ex-husband to be a decent reliable dad. These expectations were too high according to her and that she's discovered all she  an really expect is for him to at least try be a human being who listens. We all discussed how we saw things, and I discovered I really do expect to much. 

Looking back the past 5-6 years, I expected FS to be honest and treat me well, I expected "stalker" to leave me the hell alone when I moved out and then kept slamming the door in his face and saying it was over, & I expected "him" to keep his promise he made that he'd always be there even if someone was on the scene and he wouldn't walk away from our friendship etc.... In the end all these expectations and more just end up hurting us. We end up with unrealistic expectations that people are honest and keep their word, that they will always be around etc.

Yet if we don't have expectations then we can't be hurt or disappointed by people or their actions. I have believed for the past 19 mnths that people can only hurt you if you let them and more and more I believe that to be true. Just like they can also only hurt/disappoint us If we let them by having unrealistic expectations of that person. So I'm now very muchly so going to try not have expectations of people and see if that makes life even more positive and better. 

Life's little lessons over coffee...

This morning was a rather interesting one while sitting having a coffee with close family friends. It ended up being a debate about how things can get misconstrued, taken out of context and how men and women think completely differently on so many different topics. 

The main topic was how texts can be taken out of context and misconstrued, people can think you are being bitchy, upset, snarky and even trying to guilt trip all because they cant see the persons facial expressions or gauge ones mood when the recipient reads the message.  Then we discussed how females see their messages compared to how males would perceive the females messages. I sat and was amused by how differently the sexes perceive and see things.  Then realised maybe "he" was right the past couple of years with how I write messages may come across. Maybe I do come across as passive-aggressive even though I am not meaning to.  Its amazing how a few other peoples perspectives on something so simple can make you realise that someone else could have been right when they accused you of it :o)

The debate over how men & women perceive things was rather intriguing as I can now understand why so many misconceptions on things can happen depending on whose perception is. How there is always 3 sides to every story just like the quote "There are always three sides to the story: Yours, Theirs & the Truth". Which is why misconceptions happen and people will always believe their own ideas or thoughts on things, and why even if you send an email/txt or letter and you don't mean to sound a certain way the receiver may still see it this way and even though you know the truth of what you were meaning there is still different sides to it. Just like men & women always perceive things differently because women are more likely to see things on an emotional level whereas men will see it from a different level all together. 

Life definitely makes me giggle when you realise you have possibly been doing things without realising you have been all due to a simple conversation over coffee... Today's coffee made me realise someone could quite possibly been more right then I first thought on how some things I say and do come across... Another lesson I have now learnt albeit a good one to learn too. 

"I've got scars you won't believe, Wear them proudly on my sleeve..."

Today I realised just how strong I am and understand a lot more why SS, KF, & my big sister and even P say that I am a better person than most because of how I handle things and do not react the way most people would even after all I have been through especially the past 2 and  bit years. You don't realise how much you can handle or cope with until it all comes to a point and find you are still willing to keep fighting and believing even though everyone else thinks you are making a big mistake.

 The past year I have been able to learn a lot about myself and how I react to situations and why, especially the last 5 or so months when I left Wellington. I have also learnt that you can’t run away or erase things in life but you can make a decision on how you let situations affect you and your life. You can either let it hurt and destroy you or you can use it to remind you how far you have come and why you keep fighting, as well as to remind you of how you don't want your life to be.  I seem to choose the latter, to help keep myself moving forward and fighting and to look at the positives in life because otherwise crap just pulls you down. 

Today has been a shocker of a day and yet I am smiling and ok because I understand and know the reasons why things happen and due to everything I have been through in my just about 32 years of life I guess I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for in more ways than one. I think the fact I made someone probably fall off their chair when I said I forgive them and shocked them just proves how far I have come the past 7 years let alone my whole life. But like I told them, Life is too short! 

Yes I have gone through a hell of a lot the past 32 years but I am proud of the person I have become. I may have scars and some horrible memories but I have become someone who can be there for others no matter the situation, I can smile even though I have been hurt and I am happy within myself and know that when life throws me lemons I can keep on going! I may have a lil baggage but I have also dealt with a shitload more in the past couple of years then some realise. Scars or no scars I am happy no matter what and can I smile and be happy on my own doing my own thing.

Hooray! The holiday is over....

The kids and P are back and have had loads of stories to tell me. Miss 7 made my day rushing up for snuggles and to tell me she missed me. I am just glad that my decision to come down here has meant that even though I have been dealing with my own personal stuff/demons I have been able to help so they could go on the once in a life time trip to OZ.

I can see its something Miss 7 will be talking about for some time :)

Miss 7 in her new unicorn onesies, cheshire cat beanie & didgeridoo she got in oz.

Where has the time gone?

It's been 4 months since I left Wellington for so many reasons, and just over a month till I head back there Yet I am still completely uncertain if  I am making the right decision to do so. Heck apart from things in storage there and some friends what is really holding me there? 

I know I have called Wellington home for the past 6 years as I feel it is and where I belong but now I am uncertain that I am making the right decision in going back. I left it for so many reasons in February, firstly because P needed help with Miss 7 & Master 12 so they could afford the holiday in Oz, secondly because I thought it was the best way for me to move forward and erase the past 2 years and get over everything I have been through and thirdly because I believed it would give me focus for my studies and a break from my life. So far only 2 out of 3 achieved. 

The problem with erasing the past is it doesn't tend to disappear so easily, in fact it pops back to hurt you at the most inconvenient of times in some ways. Something so little like a smell or a movie can bring memories flooding back and all that effort you have put in to forgetting is wasted. People always tell you that time heals, yet why when memories bring things back does the pain feel so raw and fresh as the day it happened? 

I really am not sure I am ready to go back home to Wellington when the past still hurts. How does one move forward from it all? I know I can't stay down here though as it just makes everything worse, too much time to think and I can honestly say as much as I love spending time with P & the kids some days it does get to be a bit too much. It reminds me of things I will never have in my life which in some ways pushes me to go back to Welly.  P also needs to find a new house and move her and the kids in 2mnths time due to the house selling and I don't want to be in the way with that. 

Someone told me recently I should stop running away from what I am scared of, yet whats the point when things still stay the same? facing up to something doesn't necessarily change the outcome. Its also even harder when you have no idea who or what to trust or believe.. Doesn't help when I get told I generally make crap decisions so now I have no idea whether I am making the right decision to go back to Wellington. I just have no idea what I should do anymore because I guess as much as Time has kept on ticking and flying past me I have no idea what I want from life any more or what/who I want in it either. 

I do know the past few months I have been my happy cheeky self which I seem to have lost before coming down here which has been great.  

I guess Time will tell what decisions I should make.....

Battered & Bruised but still giggling. ..

So Tuesday I had a minor procedure on my arm but due to slight complications I am now looking worse for wear. My arm is swollen,  the bruising is rather black and making arm tender and moving certain ways causes some pain, but I have been having fits of giggles since.

While having the procedure my 23mnth old nephew was being totally cute every time I said ouch he'd repeat it and when I was about to cry it get you ok? Lol. For 23mnths old he picks up everything but also knows when people aren't ok. His mum and I were rather impressed.

We go to get in car afterwards and he was not impressed aunty couldn't put him in his seat so there started my giggle fits. Which frustrated the poor Lil dude more because aunty seemed to be laughing at him.

Since Tuesday it's like I get the giggles at totally inappropriate times including having to stifle them when I got a call back from job application I did...

I've come to the conclusion I get the giggles when I am in pain emotionally or physically which I guess fits with both the physical pain from my arm and emotional stuff of the last few weeks too.

Now to hope the giggles go away soon...

To trust or not to trust?

I've been struggling with this post for a couple of weeks now, since someone I valued as a good friend kinda came back into my life. Trying to figure out in my head how important trust is and how much trust can cause problems with friendships.

I know a number of years ago I trusted people so willingly and thought that people would never betray others trust in them. It was a huge lesson to learn that people could not only betray your trust but hurt you in the process. I lost 2 close friends and someone I cared for a lot. It helped me decide that I preferred not to let many people in which is why I had my lil bubble as my sister called it.  It did teach me though that you never know what happens when your back is turned, as well as learning how hard it is to trust people after that kind of betrayal happens. I did however move on from that after a spell away to see family. I became someone who didn't let people in so easily and who couldn't trust anyone or even my own instincts/gut feelings. It became to the point where I second guessed everything for quite some time.

My big sister in the end was the one that reminded me just about 4 yrs ago now that I had to start trusting myself and my gut feelings etc, because they are generally correct. It took a lot for me to start doing this, in fact somedays I still struggle.  But i am grateful she got me to listen although sometimes I still don't fully.

The past two years I sadly lost trust in many things including myself due to the situation I was in. There was so many things going on at once, I was being harassed,  I felt like I was being used as a "gap filler emotionally" and many other things that all made me lose Trust in myself and everyone in my life. 

I became this person who second guessed everything and I guess I still do these days, as I don't believe my gut feelings to be right. I also struggle to trust anyone after what happened a year ago when I was told someone close to me had said stuff about me to so-called other friends. I was told by someone I classed as a friend, turned out I didn't know who to believe and even now it hurts at times when I am reminded of it.

The past two weeks I have been thinking a lot about trust and if 1 can truly trust someone again when they have hurt you and knocked your beliefs in them, yourself and people in general.  How do you trust someone who walked out of your life and hurt you then comes back into your life?

Do you trust them straight away or make them earn it back? Does the pain go away or will you always have it as a constant reminder of the past?

Do I throw caution to the wind as some would say and trust them even if it means getting hurt again and possibly hurt worse than previous? 

Trust is a tricky thing and something I'm really struggling with the past two weeks especially and the answers are not forthcoming either sadly. 


but I did see this which made me giggle! 

4 Days & Counting....

As of  tomorrow morning (saturday 24th) there is 4 full days before my niece and nephew head off on their trip of  life time with 'P' to Australia!  It feels like its taken forever to get to this point and forever since I was home in Wellington. 

The kids are excited and restless and slightly driving us up the wall, which is going to make the weekend awfully long as I have them from 4.45pm onwards on saturday, as well as all day and night sunday due to 'P' working. Normally  we would breeze through it as kids are pretty happy to watch dvds and go for walks etc. This weekend is an exception as they are excited to be leaving on Wednesday, they are excited that they only have 2days of School this coming week and that they finally get to see Miss 7s dad. As well as the fact they have been up early the past few mornings (god knows why considering most mornings Master 11 takes two of  us to get him up he really has hit that tween/teen age). 

I managed to be the awesome aunty that has got Master 11 (soon to be 12) his birthday present, which is something he has wanted since we all first discussed going to Australia. I can already picture the elated face and the deafening squeals when I let him have his birthday present over breakfast on wednesday morning. 

Four and a half months ago I was sitting in my apartment in Wellington thinking how much of a sacrifice it was going to be to care for Miss 7 & Master 11 and what it would mean. I mostly saw it as  making sure 'P' had money put away for the trip as she wasnt having to fork out $100 + a week in a sitter while she worked at the cafe.  It also meant I would have some time with family after the topsy-turvey things in my life the past 2 years or so, things that would sometimes out of my control. As well as saving some money as my lease was up on the Apartment and i wanted to knucle down and get my study underway for the year. 

Now we are 4 days off them heading off to Christchurch on Wednesday morning before flying out to Perth on Friday and I have realised just how much an impact me putting my family first has been for them. They are able to go to Perth for 3weeks and have spending money, as well as the kids having a digital camera each from Aunty to capture their once in a lifetime trip to see Miss 7s dad and explore places in Oz. They have new clothes to wear over there and get to come home to  a happy cat who has been looked after by me and the house warm and cosy since Winter will well and truly be here in Invercargill when they arrive home the end of June. 

I am glad I have been able to help make this happen for them, and just reminds me that sacrificing what I want does have benefits for others especially my wonderful Niece & Nephew....

Now to figure out what I am going to do for 3 weeks with no children to look after.... 

Mission Just About Accomplished!

It's officially less than 14 days till my niece and nephew & 'p' get to head to Australia, Perth to be precise. I now actually feel like I have achieved something while facing my own inner demons being down here. If I hadn't have come down to look after the 2 ratbags the trip wouldn't have been possible. Miss 7 wouldn't being going to see her dad or where he lives etc.

It's been tough and demanding as the last time I cared for them full-time they were so much younger and in some aspects a lot easier to look after. These days they fight and argue, they don't listen and like most kids they hate cleaning up after themselves lol. But Aunty Pixie has still managed to keep them happy, stop the fights when need be and have them understand that their actions have consequences. It has also at times left me thinking why oh why do I want to have kids? But yet at the end of the day I still do because it's rewarding.

I have one more full on weekend with both of them next wk before they are away for 3wks and it's me and the furball at home... I'm hoping they have an absolute blast over there and have some great experiences.

At the same time I'm feeling a lil sad as it means it's not long till I head back home to wellington and start a new chapter of life. New house, new job and new plan and hopefully a new furball since it's just going to be me, myself and I, which I'm more than happy with as I only have to worry about myself if anything goes wrong.

I know as much as I dislike Invercargill and everything it reminds me of, I have faced a lot of my demons while being down here, learned I am stronger than I think and spent quality time with family. But I will be glad to be in warmer climate soon.

2 years ...

Today (Saturday 17th), marks 2 years since I met 'him'. Two years of my life being topsy-turvy... the 1st year I believed life did indeed bring miracles and things were always possible and made me believe that maybe I wasn't everything I was told I was growing up. The past year has been the one that sadly broke the horses back I guess some would say since its when i learned the toughest lessons...

It seems the past year taught me that no matter how many times people incl 'him' promise things, no-one ever keeps their word. People can promise things and never follow through and that's just the way life is.

It's taught me that sometimes as much as you care it doesn't matter because people will believe what they want to believe and I will always be the one feeling like the liar/fraud/fake even though I have always been honest and loyal etc. I guess it's made me realize that I really am better off living in my own lil world because friendships/relationships and the likes I just don't understand or get. There's nothing logical about them at all, whereas give me Science and I can understand it perfectly. It's made me realize that maybe I'm just not cut out to have them. That I really am better off in my world of books, and art and working to pay bills etc but sticking to myself.

The thing that hurts the most is that I was ok doing my own thing 2years ago, life was fine and going well, my best friend (AM) was still around and I had friends to spend time with when I wanted. All that has changed due to what has happened or in relation to what's happened.  I also lost my friendship with 'him' in this last year in many ways. I just became this dirty little secret that had to disappear, even though all I ever did was put him and his happiness and wants first.

Now I'm left haunted with memories that I can't seem to erase, & a need to just put the past behind me, build a new bubble and not let anyone in again. Why? Because it's the safest and best option there is for someone like me... because if it's one thing I've learned it's that there's no point trying to be "normal" which is why I dated people even though it gave me the anxiety & panicking inside my head and the heebie-jeebies, to just look like my life is normal.  I learned though that theres no point keeping up with the Joneses as they say as in this case it just causes more pain.  Normal isn't really a thing, its just peoples perceptions.

When in reality my life is never going to be the normal everyone perceives normal to be because no matter how much therapy and counseling one does I may never find someone who makes me feel safe and not cause the panicking etc inside. He didn't but it scared me that he didn't, that it was like my body betrayed me and was ok. But I made decisions and nothing changes as the past year especially can prove and remind me of that....

The past year I left Auckland in April, saw him once in August and  nothing since, a few texts here and there, and a call before xmas and one after new years (which from my memory was more me getting lectured then anything else). Its harder to remember the good things when the past year has been all about making me disappear and not talking to me. Which is one of the last things said to me before I left Auckland last year. That once we were both home that he wouldn't probably be in  contact and I guess that much has been true sadly. 

I remember some of the best parts of the 1st year but those memories are bittersweet and overshadowed by the memories and feelings of being harassed and no-one believing me even when confronted with the truth... It hurts but thats life  I guess, at least I can say I tried with a smile on my face.

Now I just hope he finds whatever makes him happy and enjoys his life...as after 2 years of turmoil and confusion, I know that nothing changes and I have to just keep moving forward and focusing on what I have to do no matter what...pretending the past never happened and trying to hope that one day the memories will disappear too.

Life may throw lemons at me as it seems to a lot but at least I know I can keep fighting and looking for a positive in each day even when it hurts like hell and I wish I could erase 2 yrs.  I guess the past 2 years has at least taught me to smile and keep fighting no matter what.  It's also taught me that as much as you want to hear someone say "I'm Sorry" you may not, but I forgive them anyway. :-)

A Slowly Ticking Clock......

I found myself thinking about the past yesterday (Sunday/mothers day in NZ), and realising that life really is unpredictable. 

This is the third mothers day I have not made contact with my Mother after what has happened, since its also just over 2years since I had to walk away if I wanted to try at least have some resemblance of a life. I don't regret walking away after everything I have been through in life. She was never really a parent to me in any sense of the word sadly. It took the past 2.5years to make me realise these things and be ok with it. 

BUT it does also make me realise the one thing I have always wanted in life is slowly slipping from my grasp. To be honest it feels like its quite quickly slipping out of my grasp. I had the chance not long after my 20th birthday but due to health reasons/complications it was never to be. Which is fine I can honestly say i have healed from that and moved on. It also meant life was 1 less complicated as i wouldn't have to deal with stalkerish ex, 2 it also meant that the child was not created out of trying to be "normal" due to my past instead of due to parents actually loving each other,  and 3 I wasn't going to repeat the mistakes of my mother. 

Now I found myself thinking on Sunday that maybe 'P' and everyone else was right, maybe I am just supposed to be an Aunty. Maybe its just how things are supposed to be as horrible as it sounds and feels, maybe in someways its the universes way of reminding me we don't always get what we want, Or punishing me for what happened when I had the chance to be a mum. Maybe 'P' etc are right that I should be happy that I teach kids Monday-Friday and can send them home and not deal with anything else...  BUT if that's the case why the hell does it hurt so much these days when I tuck my niece into bed at night etc? That pain of wishing for what you have always wanted and yet knowing its probably never going to happen. Funny thing is I never had these feelings till the past year... 

Does ones biological clock just kick in once you hit 31 and just keep pissing you off till it finally realises its never going to happen and disappear? Considering whats the point in ticking so loudly when I'm alone. Which I am ok with, I have my own life, I can holiday when I like where i like and not have to worry about whether a partner could come or not. I only have to worry about me and my plans. But this constant reminder the past year or so that what I want is disappearing from my grasp is starting to frustrate me. I turn 32 in 8 weeks and I guess in some ways I feel like I have failed what I had in mind for my life regarding family since I don't see it happening in the future anymore. Its also not like I could even contemplate doing it on my own like some people, good on them too! They prove that you don't need to be with someone to have children etc but at the same time that's not something I have ever wanted, my dream was a proper family and that dream will be forever out of reach.

BUT in saying that I guess some ways the past has played a hand in all of it as well. Although I can see both sides of the coin in how things would be different had it not happened, I also know without the past I wouldn't be who I am today. 

A person who can keep going no matter what life throws at her, a person who doesn't need to rely on anyone and knows how to self-sufficiently keep her head above water as they say. As well as still being able to find a positive in things, or at least laugh trying to. I also guess that I have also become someone who happily gives up things for others whether it be time or money or what have you for others to become happy which makes me smile...

Life is something that is special and every moment counts, and even though I will probably never create a life at least I can make others lives a lot easier for them........




P.S. Thanks (M) my amazing friend who understands how hard mothers day is for me due to our similar position those years ago for the sweet lil msg xx