2 years ...

Today (Saturday 17th), marks 2 years since I met 'him'. Two years of my life being topsy-turvy... the 1st year I believed life did indeed bring miracles and things were always possible and made me believe that maybe I wasn't everything I was told I was growing up. The past year has been the one that sadly broke the horses back I guess some would say since its when i learned the toughest lessons...

It seems the past year taught me that no matter how many times people incl 'him' promise things, no-one ever keeps their word. People can promise things and never follow through and that's just the way life is.

It's taught me that sometimes as much as you care it doesn't matter because people will believe what they want to believe and I will always be the one feeling like the liar/fraud/fake even though I have always been honest and loyal etc. I guess it's made me realize that I really am better off living in my own lil world because friendships/relationships and the likes I just don't understand or get. There's nothing logical about them at all, whereas give me Science and I can understand it perfectly. It's made me realize that maybe I'm just not cut out to have them. That I really am better off in my world of books, and art and working to pay bills etc but sticking to myself.

The thing that hurts the most is that I was ok doing my own thing 2years ago, life was fine and going well, my best friend (AM) was still around and I had friends to spend time with when I wanted. All that has changed due to what has happened or in relation to what's happened.  I also lost my friendship with 'him' in this last year in many ways. I just became this dirty little secret that had to disappear, even though all I ever did was put him and his happiness and wants first.

Now I'm left haunted with memories that I can't seem to erase, & a need to just put the past behind me, build a new bubble and not let anyone in again. Why? Because it's the safest and best option there is for someone like me... because if it's one thing I've learned it's that there's no point trying to be "normal" which is why I dated people even though it gave me the anxiety & panicking inside my head and the heebie-jeebies, to just look like my life is normal.  I learned though that theres no point keeping up with the Joneses as they say as in this case it just causes more pain.  Normal isn't really a thing, its just peoples perceptions.

When in reality my life is never going to be the normal everyone perceives normal to be because no matter how much therapy and counseling one does I may never find someone who makes me feel safe and not cause the panicking etc inside. He didn't but it scared me that he didn't, that it was like my body betrayed me and was ok. But I made decisions and nothing changes as the past year especially can prove and remind me of that....

The past year I left Auckland in April, saw him once in August and  nothing since, a few texts here and there, and a call before xmas and one after new years (which from my memory was more me getting lectured then anything else). Its harder to remember the good things when the past year has been all about making me disappear and not talking to me. Which is one of the last things said to me before I left Auckland last year. That once we were both home that he wouldn't probably be in  contact and I guess that much has been true sadly. 

I remember some of the best parts of the 1st year but those memories are bittersweet and overshadowed by the memories and feelings of being harassed and no-one believing me even when confronted with the truth... It hurts but thats life  I guess, at least I can say I tried with a smile on my face.

Now I just hope he finds whatever makes him happy and enjoys his life...as after 2 years of turmoil and confusion, I know that nothing changes and I have to just keep moving forward and focusing on what I have to do no matter what...pretending the past never happened and trying to hope that one day the memories will disappear too.

Life may throw lemons at me as it seems to a lot but at least I know I can keep fighting and looking for a positive in each day even when it hurts like hell and I wish I could erase 2 yrs.  I guess the past 2 years has at least taught me to smile and keep fighting no matter what.  It's also taught me that as much as you want to hear someone say "I'm Sorry" you may not, but I forgive them anyway. :-)