Hello August!

So it's been 7days I have been in the north island and I have to say it's been great to see the sunshine again. Let alone not feeling cold 24/7 and actually being able to wear dresses again!

As much as I feel happier for coming back to the North Island and seeing/realising things, I'm struggling with a few things. Things I am not sure i will be fully ok with for awhile. Let alone the fact as much as I know things something happens that makes me doubt or feel otherwise...

maybe I'm just too screwed up to be ok *shrug* because it seems as much as I try and I realise things and say things.... I end up doubting things/life and I have no idea if I'm making the right decisions....

I wish somedays life came with a manual so I knew what I am supposed to do....

The good thing is I have been able to focus more on my fitness again as I started back at configure this wk even tho I'm not in welly yet. It's helping to gain some focus and to block out the issues...

I still wish I could've deleted the past 2yrs so they never existed as maybe my head wouldn't be so confuzzled and I wouldn't be hurt or unsure of my decisions or who/what to believe these days. But apparently you can't erase time as you just end up hurting yourself more then you thought.

But sometimes it would make things easier....

But it's August and I'm going to focus on getting settled and just making a plan with uni and gym so I can focus on it all a Lil better now I'm back... one would say I'm going to live in a bubble again but I don't see it that way...

Although i did openly admit this week what I'm so terrified about but not completely why but in some ways I am not sure why I admitted it when it just makes things worse in some ways sadly...

I guess I will just never have the life I wanted growing up and as much as I hate to admit it not everyone gets what they want and as much as everyone deserves happiness sometimes  it just never happens. You just have to accept you're life as it is and be happy with the crap u get dealt each day :-)