It's been a strange 6-7 weeks and it's taken me till this week to figure out how to write things without bursting into tears all over my laptop between the pain from injury and all this....
I guess as much as the last few years have been difficult in someways with this person. I realize that I was happier and doing well when they are in my life, especially when I'd physically get to see them. They could make me laugh when all I wanted to do was hide & cry, they bought out the best and the worst in me but that wasn't a bad thing either. They kept me grounded and focused on what I wanted to do and where I wanted to get to in life, and I knew they supported me and pushed me to achieve the goals I set because they were there and showed they cared etc.
These days things are different... Infact this whole year has been screwed up and different in so many ways and I hate that it's now ending with this person not being in my life. I never thought there would come a day where they wouldn't be a part of my life forever. But here I am standing and realising that they are probably never going to come back.
I know some people will be happy about it that didn't like me, and some will be happy because they caused some of the problems and hurdles the past few years, and some will be happy just because they take pleasure in other people's pain.
The last 6wks or so I have done a lot of thinking after something this person said because it honestly hurt me and I didn't get why they said it when since I've known them they have always pushed me to learn to trust. I did learn to trust & that person was the first person I've let into my life all the way in a very long time, let alone trusted with everything in my life.
They saw the good and the bad absolutely everything, they've seen me at my worst in the middle of an anxiety/panic attack as well as at my most happy go lucky self. Sadly as the months have gone on I've lost my happy go lucky part of me, in fact I don't think I even remembered the last time I really fully enjoyed myself in the past year. Because the last time I remember was just before Christmas in 2012 when I was at the beach.... seems so long ago like I didn't really live it, just dreamed it one night in my sleep.
But i guess that's like a lot of things I've experienced the past few years. It's like it was all a dream in my head, like none of it even happened and that this person never existed, just a figment of my imagination because in someways my life and what happened with this person the past few years could kind of read like a book or even the script of a soap opera on TV to be honest.
It doesn't help that this person blurred the boundaries to suit them and im not sure they knew they were doing it at times, which has made a lot of things that have happened the past few years even harder to deal with for me at least, not sure how they saw it but I know it confused other people who knew or saw or heard us spend time together, probably another reason the following bit happened too I guess...
To make it worse is the fact there were people that caused problems and issues which led us to mistrust, anger, pain and for me humiliation too.
now all of it reminds me that no matter what I do in life or what i want in my life, even if I find it the world will play cruel tricks on me and whip it all away after I've had a taste of how much i want something in my life.
This whole experience has also taught me that love whether it's love for a friend or otherwise is bullshit! it's just a cruel sick joke that suckers you in before kicking you to the ground before running over you with a tank several hundred times.
My mother it seems was right when it comes to my life, I don't deserve anyone to care about me let alone love me because I seem to destroy the good things one way or another and sometimes without even realising I'm doing so.
I was ok being alone before I met this person as I had come to terms with being alone in life, not having my own family or people that loved me for me or even having my own kids bcos for some reason I just had a feeling that was just how it was going to be and I learned to cope and be ok with that. I focused on my health, work, study and training and I knew if I needed a pick me up I could live in my books for awhile. I had a couple of bestfriends, a few ppl I believed to be true friends and people I thought of as friends but not ones I'd have much to do with or trust things with.
Unfortunately or fortunately I'm not really sure to be honest, this person changed all that and now I have to figure out how to be that person i was again. I can admit that being like that I wasn't really living just merely existing but I think maybe that's better for me now especially now things have changed and I'm not ok.
I've lost that person who helped me become someone who was living and happy and a lot more carefree, even though I lost people who I believed were true friends, not so worried about the ones i was unsure of as obviously they weren't and I'm ok with that.
I'm not sure where I fit in anymore, I don't feel like I belong or fit in, in Wellington anymore... I know I don't belong down south and I never belonged or fitted in up in Auckland. I don't know where I fit in or belong... I also don't know what I'm supposed to do or who I'm supposed to be anymore. I had these goals that this person was pushing me to achieve but the last couple of months I've been wondering what the point of it all is when I don't have family or a reason to do it. Especially now with my injury I'm not sure if i'll ever be able to do all the things I used to do at work in the early childhood centre's. I'm also back to that issue of do I really want to work with other people's children when all I've wanted the past 8 - yrs is to have a family of my own and yet I never will. It's like a constant reminder of what I will never have...
So much of my thoughts of where do I belong started after I last saw this person a few months ago and realised that I'm not grounded, I'm scared and I have no idea what I'm doing anymore because I don't have that person to talk to about things like I used to the past 2yrs. The person also seemed like they were trying to say goodbye and remove me from their life right then at the last few moments before I said goodbye and got out of the car, but I never noticed as much as I did the past couple of weeks. WHY? ? Because I'm the fool who believed them when they made a promise to me. I'm the fool that believed them earlier this year when they said they needed me in their life after I disappeared down south without telling them or being in contact with them. They were the one who kept saying I was important to them.... yet I'm the fool who got suckered in to believing it all and not seeing the truth.... I'm not even sure what to believe anymore, do I follow and believe my head or my heart and gut instincts? Everything is so screwed up since that person said that one sentence to me that has hurt me so badly... That they have never trusted me, so what am I supposed to believe? Because as much as I want to believe my heart & gut instincts I just don't know anymore.
And theres nothing I can do because from their behaviour and attitude towards me the past month or so it seems they've chosen to walk away from our friendship, the promises they've made and everything else that goes along with it.
I'm left here unsure of how it came to this when for months till I flew home it seemed things were going to be ok that our friendship was healing and things would be ok. Trust was being rebuilt and withheld secrets that i was scared to tell them were coming out because I was learning not to be afraid anymore with this person, because I always felt safe with them since day 1 which is something I've never had before in my life.
But that's all fallen away, they've chosen to just disappear and leave me with so many questions on what I did wrong and why they made promises if they never were going to keep them. As well as feeling like I've lost a limb or a piece of me that I will never get back and that will always have a gap where it's missing. I guess though that the pain from my missing piece will always remind me that I once let someone so far into my life that they knew/saw everything and that it's too painful to have that happen again.
It will hopefully help me find that place I used to be where I was just existing and was ok because I think that's probably the best place for me from now on as I can't hurt me or anyone else if I'm merely existing. I can pretend to me happy and living without actually doing so because it at least keeps them happy and quiet & stops those awkward questions no one enjoys. It also means everyone else can just be happy and that's something I've always wanted is just everyone to be happy!
~ ~ To the person who left my life/walked away from our friendship ~ ~
I told you a few months ago that I didn't need you in my life, but that i wanted you in my life. That you were important to me because you made me live, smile & i was learning to be this person I was even beginning to like a little. That you made me feel safe and that you meant more to me than you'll ever know and that will always be true. I never had to pretend to be normal or any of the things I had to with others because it was just ok to be me.
I also know that even tho i may want you in my life, I know that I don't get to make that decision because as much as one can care and love someone it's just not always enough and you can't force someone to stay in your life if they don't want to be in it.
I know that even though you are gone that I will still probably feel that weird bond we have and know when things aren't ok, but I will have to learn to ignore it and keep going, bcos I'm not sure that bond like invisible string will ever bring you back to my life any more :-(
I sent you back the one thing you gave me that meant so much to me the other week because the memories that it brings hurt me so much lately because I'm not sure if what you said when you gave to me was the truth or just another line you could've said to anyone and I'm not sure if that's bcos of what you said about trust or my own insecurities. But know that I loved that item it meant a lot to me for so many reasons incl the fact AM said you don't generally give ppl things unless they are really important to you. but i can't have it around me while I'm hurting since you've decided to walk away from our friendship. I hope it helps you remember the times you made me smile and the great times we had and how much you mean to me, look after it always for me please.
Thanking you for caring & "trying to love me" & being my friend, even for the little while you were in my life know that I will be forever grateful that you did for that short while.
I just hope that you find happiness, peace and love because all I've ever wanted was for you to be happy and I made my decisions the past few years thinking it was best for you & everyone else as you & everyone else would be happy and have the life you all wanted without my hassles etc. So i hope you find that and everything else you are looking for in life because I just want to see everyone happy.
Looking back the past few days I realise you became my bestfriend, the one I always went to first, the one who I believed cared even when I made a silly mistake or a bad decision. That it didn't matter how badly I stuffed up you still cared & "loved me" & were there. You were why it didn't bother me when AM disappeared from my life bcos you had taken her place and then some.
So thank you again. X
SEMPRÈ
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