I found myself thinking about the past yesterday (Sunday/mothers day in NZ), and realising that life really is unpredictable.
This is the third mothers day I have not made contact with my Mother after what has happened, since its also just over 2years since I had to walk away if I wanted to try at least have some resemblance of a life. I don't regret walking away after everything I have been through in life. She was never really a parent to me in any sense of the word sadly. It took the past 2.5years to make me realise these things and be ok with it.
BUT it does also make me realise the one thing I have always wanted in life is slowly slipping from my grasp. To be honest it feels like its quite quickly slipping out of my grasp. I had the chance not long after my 20th birthday but due to health reasons/complications it was never to be. Which is fine I can honestly say i have healed from that and moved on. It also meant life was 1 less complicated as i wouldn't have to deal with stalkerish ex, 2 it also meant that the child was not created out of trying to be "normal" due to my past instead of due to parents actually loving each other, and 3 I wasn't going to repeat the mistakes of my mother.
Now I found myself thinking on Sunday that maybe 'P' and everyone else was right, maybe I am just supposed to be an Aunty. Maybe its just how things are supposed to be as horrible as it sounds and feels, maybe in someways its the universes way of reminding me we don't always get what we want, Or punishing me for what happened when I had the chance to be a mum. Maybe 'P' etc are right that I should be happy that I teach kids Monday-Friday and can send them home and not deal with anything else... BUT if that's the case why the hell does it hurt so much these days when I tuck my niece into bed at night etc? That pain of wishing for what you have always wanted and yet knowing its probably never going to happen. Funny thing is I never had these feelings till the past year...
Does ones biological clock just kick in once you hit 31 and just keep pissing you off till it finally realises its never going to happen and disappear? Considering whats the point in ticking so loudly when I'm alone. Which I am ok with, I have my own life, I can holiday when I like where i like and not have to worry about whether a partner could come or not. I only have to worry about me and my plans. But this constant reminder the past year or so that what I want is disappearing from my grasp is starting to frustrate me. I turn 32 in 8 weeks and I guess in some ways I feel like I have failed what I had in mind for my life regarding family since I don't see it happening in the future anymore. Its also not like I could even contemplate doing it on my own like some people, good on them too! They prove that you don't need to be with someone to have children etc but at the same time that's not something I have ever wanted, my dream was a proper family and that dream will be forever out of reach.
BUT in saying that I guess some ways the past has played a hand in all of it as well. Although I can see both sides of the coin in how things would be different had it not happened, I also know without the past I wouldn't be who I am today.
A person who can keep going no matter what life throws at her, a person who doesn't need to rely on anyone and knows how to self-sufficiently keep her head above water as they say. As well as still being able to find a positive in things, or at least laugh trying to. I also guess that I have also become someone who happily gives up things for others whether it be time or money or what have you for others to become happy which makes me smile...
Life is something that is special and every moment counts, and even though I will probably never create a life at least I can make others lives a lot easier for them........
P.S. Thanks (M) my amazing friend who understands how hard mothers day is for me due to our similar position those years ago for the sweet lil msg xx
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