"We live through scars this time..."

It's been a hard week this week, and yet it's only Thursday! Yet I was ready for the weekend since Tuesday if I am honest with myself. Some days I have been able to just ignore the pain, hurt, anger, rensentment, the painful memories the lot and plaster a happy face on for everyone else to see. I have used all that to just push myself further with my training and give me more determination with my gym goals... Some days though it isn't as easy to do, because I am not sure how I am supposed to be ok with losing my bestfriend, my everything, the one person I could tell absolutely everything to and know that it was ok no matter what was wrong. That one person who broke down my walls and fought me to see them. I can't replace that, I cant replace them  either and I am not sure I am ok with facing the world and life without them being in my life. Especially after so much we have survived since we met; hell he kinda just became my bestfriend without me even realising which makes it harder still. 

I sat down at the weekend after last weeks Counselling and wrote my apology letter, which I didn't want to write as he has always said he would rather me talk then write but I had no other option. I can't call, I can't text, I cant iMessage, I'm not even sure if my emails would get through to him anymore. So I sat and I wrote from the heart, explaining my pain, my hurt and my actions and why I am so sorry and scared. I know that there is only a very slim possibility he will even consider accepting my apology, along with him even apologizing to me even though it took two of us to create this mess. All I can keep telling myself is that I at least wrote the truth for me and how I'm feeling with what happened and what I am sorry for and that I am slowly working on my issues. Sadly I have a feeling that it is all too little too late to be honest and it hurts so much. I never wanted this to happen, even though I have pushed him away many a time and vice-versa I always thought we would get through anything after all the other extremely hard situations etc we had been through previously. now I am not so sure when It feels like its all my fault. 

I guess the big lesson I have learned so far this past year is If you don't speak up you will lose out in the long run no matter what the situation. I have to learn to not be scared to speak up and say what I want in my life and actually go after it No matter what it is. I cant live life being scared of every little thing when it comes to things, because otherwise life just passes you by and you end up watching everyone else have a life you can only dream of. I am slowly learning I am a work in progress, I am learning to deal with things I should have dealt with a long time ago, (things he had been pushing me to deal with for at least 2yrs yet i was too scared to). Things that have affected my life and how I see me and what I deserve in my life... I get that I started dealing with this too little too late in some peoples eyes but at least I am dealing and learning to at least be ok with who I am and my life, even if it is never what I have wanted it to be. I just have to learn to be ok with that and know I can only do what I can do and be ok with that. Some scars emotional or physical never fully heal and I am learning to just accept me for me.... the good the bad and everything else just like i do with my friends and family yet with them its easier then we accept ourselves faults and all.. 

Training wise even though I am dealing with a bout of some flu bug has been going pretty well, tabata, zumba and weights training with cardio when I do my gym days. I am also hitting about 12,000 + steps 6-7 days a week. So when I jumped on the scales this week at the gym (1st time in 4weeks) and I have lost just over 4kgs so thats pretty much what I am supposed to be expecting, losing a kilo a week. I have also noticed my left leg is slowly starting to look normal like my right when I look at my ankle etc so its taken over a year for it to start shrinking after not being able to move it and therefore it losing muscle etc... Its hard to think that progress is so slow in coming right since my injury even though I have been swimming and zumba and gym since 3months after surgery and we are only now starting to see differences. So I will just keep doing what I am doing for the moment, along with PT when I can till after Brisbane and then ramp up the training some more from September as I want to hit a few personal goals by the end of the year too... 

This afternoon (Thursday) was a hard one as after yesterdays failed attempt to give someone the letter I was pretty apprehensive about trying again today. Especially since I feel like he wants me dead the past weeks since the stupid fight in the car. But I also know that the right thing was I needed to hand it to him so I knew i had personally delivered it and therefore tackled a fear by facing him to give it even though I was shaking like crazy. It tore me up inside though with one of the looks he gave me and all i wanted was one of his hugs that would make this all go away and everything would be fine. Yet I know I have no right to ask for one or to want one considering the situation. I managed to keep my tears from falling outside which was something, although he probably knew I wanted to cry like hell, yet i made myself try stay in control. I didnt think it would be so hard to hand him that letter and know that it still could be it, that he wont forgive me for my part in what happened and that I have to just find a way to get thru life on my own and never see/speak etc to him again. which is one of my biggest fears since that time in Auckland when he left me.... something he said he would never do again yet thats exactly whats happened and this time I have to just be ok... He taught me to fight for what I believe in and want and yet I cant fight for this when I am the only one from where I am standing... I have to keep reminding myself that I cant turn back time to last year i can only move forward and learn from my mistakes even though it hurts like f**k! 

Probably why James Bay's  song Scars has been in my head so much lately... the lyrics this blog is titled after along with "This fragile heart, So heavy in my chest, it's breaking" is exactly how i have been feeling a lot the past few weeks since it happened along with the fact i have to "Live through scars this time"...   I just have to find a way to keep going each day, even if its just forcing myself to the gym each morning till i dont remember what i lost any more... as sad as that sounds.... 

Some days....

Some days are harder than others, some days I can get thru without a thought or tear. Others not so much, in fact some days it's a complete disaster and I wish I could be a burrito with my duvet.

Today it's both, I woke up with a realisation and yet can't do anything about it. It did help me realise tho that there were times I could've spoken up last year yet didn't. Why? Because as he said I let my fears overcome and dictate my life.

Today I'm also freaking out as I have dental surgery and I'm doing it completely alone which I'm a lil scared about. Even tho I went thru back surgery on my own this still scares me as I don't cope with dentists never really have so hence the anxiety. The good thing is at least I can curl up with the cat if need be all weekend and just watch movies. Although I do want to keep up the fitness if I feel ok this weekend.

Been thinking about finding an extra sport to do for weekends but not sure what I want to do. It's been so long since I played netball I'm not sure I'd be that good at it now 😂
But I'm sure I'll find something by next year.

Biz is slow this month which isn't helping with the plan of keeping myself busy so I don't have to think 😕 but will come up with some plans over weekend if need be 🙂

Yesterday (Thursday) was a hard day. Getting a message from someone about their child doing something and not being able to be there to support them. Made me feel completely useless.

Somedays I just wish life was easier

Realisations..... Painful but worth it...

Things are never going to be Ok, and I guess that's the hardest thing about dealing with so much in the past 6 months was the fact something else broke in that time too! Which I'm not sure if it's "a can't"  or "a won't" be fixed. Why? because it's hard to fix something that involved others and it seems only I want to fix and heal from it, to see if we can heal and move forward.  

I have also realised of late that even with counselling and the likes not everything in life can be explained or dealt with and sometimes what others say you should "Just get over" isn't always that easy to do so.  Which is something that has been screwing me up and messing with my head for about 18 months... This injury has been a complete Mind F**k on me because I have always had a bit of scientific view on life, (blame the fact I thrive on science since I was younger). Yet my back injury has no explanation at all! No-one, not even my specialist can pinpoint a reason why it happened, it just did and yet that frustrates me. As everything has a reason, nothing happens without a reason, there's always a reason or explanation for things scientific or for things that happen. Yet for 18months or so this has been completely Mind F**king me because there is none at all. Just like there is no explanation why some days I have no pain at all in my back and leg since surgery and some days there are, or little niggles... It has been completely messing with me in so many ways. 

I never realised how much it was messing with me till the past two weeks or so while connecting the dots with other things I realised this was connected too. I hate the fact that I have this scar on my back for an injury that no one can explain, and it kind of makes me feel like it was punishment for something I have done in my life. Yet I am starting to learn that some things just cant be explained. Sometimes things just happen weither you're a good or bad person things happen. Just like bad/terrible/awful things can happen to the most amazing people. It's hard though reminding myself every day now that it's OK that there is no explanation and that as long as I keep doing what I am doing it hopefully won't happen again. It's also helped me to accept something "he" has tried to get me to deal with at times the past four years, and I get it now...

I get that it's not my fault what happened to me when I was younger, that I did not cause any of it. I get that there is no real explanation for how my parental unit dealt with it either. Nor her behavior towards me since that day. I get her childhood wasn't all sunshine and roses and that maybe that is part of why she has treated me like she has. I also know that her words have no influence on my life if I do not let them, (I picture him rolling his eyes and going finally at this admittance considering its something hes wanted me to accept for so long... too little too late i guess but hey!). What she said was obviously due to her own pain, and unhappiness with her life and the situation. Some of the things she said were uncalled for and should not have been repeated to me over and over growing up. I may not be able to forget the words she said but I am and will be able to at least put the past and her words behind me so I can move forward without the pain and the hurt of the past. 

I may be alone in doing so and it may be a lot of the saying "Too little, too late" - when it comes to the bigger issue of the last 5 weeks or so. It won't help fix whats happened in that situation because one has chosen to act like I do not exist and I have to be ok and accept that. Even if it hurts me a lot more than I am willing to admit.  One thing they taught me was to always keep going no matter how bad things get and to keep fighting and pushing myself with things. Which I guess is great in some ways as I am learning to use the things he used to say to me to push myself at the gym, and with my business goals. 

When it comes to me and my personal life which I guess includes my social life well that's another story I guess and I am just trying to get through each day without bawling my eyes out come bed time. I get a lot of what has happened in my life the past few years is my own fault and he was right when he said "I let my fears get the better of me and dictate my life" because that is exactly what has happened and why I am in the situations I am in. But I can use this to change how I do things going forward in life, To try and Seize opportunities and look after me which includes putting me first and making sure I am ok in the situations I am in. It wont change the pain or the hurt of losing someone important to me and it wont change the fact I actually have no real close friends at all now since Andrea passed away and he has gone.  But I will keep aiming for my goals and trying to achieve my dreams and hope that I can at least remember the things they have taught me.  I am also going to learn to not let my fears dictate my life...

Along with just trying to believe that Time Heals All wounds and that maybe it can heal friendships and other things I am scared I have broken the past year or so... :)

Trying to keep it together....

Today I've had to keep it together more than any of the other days of late... All I want is a hug from him and to know it's all ok and yet my head reminds me that I can't and it's not ok. It's not even remotely ok! He hates me, refuses to talk to me, thinks I'm a horrible person among other things And I'm the one who said goodbye to him and wants his things gone from my life because it hurts seeing them all the time when he's no longer in my life.

I hate that it hurts and that I'm the only one who seems to be hurting constantly throughout this and the past four years. He always acts like nothing hurts him and none of it matters. Yet I can only try to do that and yet I fail... I know I'd run to him in a heartbeat for a hug to magically fix everything and yet I know I can't and it won't. We've hurt each other so much I don't think there's any coming back from that short of a miracle...

I miss the person who can make me smile while I cry, I miss the person whose hugs made everything ok and I knew I wasn't alone and yet do I really have a right to miss those? Do I even have a right to miss him when he picks everyone else but me every time? I'm just the friend whose always there till someone new comes along, and even then Im not sure friend is the right word, maybe its acquaintance?

Earlier today I wondered if he got some kick out of punishing me like he has for the past five weeks, yet I realised the only lesson I'm learning is how much I don't like being treated like I have been of late, with the fight then the constant silence and then pissy texts when he does respond. Especially when I know if I did it to him he'd yell at me for it as he hates it when I didn't talk to him because I was so angry last yr with him... How can be ok doing this?

How can he treat someone like discarded trash and like they never mattered? Was it always about everyone else but me? Was the last four years just bs?

I wish I could feel nothing at all! I want to hate him! Yet I can't and I don't know why! I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to remember the last four years I just wish I could erase it all and have it be like none of it including him existed. At least that way I'd feel nothing and it might be a lil easier getting thru each day trying to keep my head above water without the reminders everywhere 😞😢I don't want to keep crying myself to sleep every night like I have for the better part of two years anymore...

One birthday wish....

Tomorrow it's a month till my birthday and I'm reminded of the fact neither of my best friends will be there to celebrate it... One has been gone just about two years and if she was here I'm not sure id be in the situation I've been in for the past year because I would have been able to talk to someone. Maybe I wouldn't be so scared or letting my fears get the better of me 😞

I don't want to get a year older without Andrea being here another year without my best friend. Let alone another birthday without him talking to me 😢 It was hard enough last year with him only half being there for my birthday. I don't want this one without either of them. How can I have stuffed things up so much that I'm dreading my birthday? I'm going to be 34 with no family of my own, no best friends nothing at all 😞 and from the looks of it, it's always going to be like this because I'm damaged goods as some would say...

I wish I didn't have to be an adult, I wish l could turn back time and fix things but I can't bring Andrea back and I can't fix things with him it seems which is why I had to say goodbye even tho it hurts like hell.  But I have to keep going and put on the brave face and keep dealing with my fears and learn to just be...

Just wish the next month wasn't creeping up on me, I don't want to have my birthday without him in my life 😕

🌟I guess if I could wish for one thing this year it would be him still being in my life 🌟

3...

I put on the happy face every time I brave the world, pretend that everything is 100% fine and dandy. Whereas in reality it's completely not, I've lost more than I realised these past 6 months. I've lost a part of me, I've lost who I am, who I want to be and that one person who is always there no matter what even when you don't want them to be.
It's probably one of the hardest things I'm going to go through along with learning to be ok with the fact that not everything i want in my life will actually happen. Which is part of why I know I've lost who I am and what I want to be too... Yet I have to deal with it all and find someway to accept those things and just be at peace with them like I was a few years ago. Except this time it's a lot different, because last time was a choice this time it's not so much a choice...

While learning to cope and accept that I still have to keep it together and look like everything is fine and dandy to everyone else. Because people don't really want to know when something is wrong etc they more just want to pass small pleasantries when they ask how you are instead of having full blown conversations about how one truly feels etc...

Life changes in the blink of an eye and yet things stay the same....

I get that one has been trying to teach me a lesson yet at the same time I wish they would see the hurt it causes. I get that one doesn't believe I will stick to my word yet I meant it last week that I don't want to keep things going like this... I want the belongings gone from my life and my house since one can't even talk to me, instead holds a grudge and thinks it's ok.... That I will still be here, yet that's not fair on me or anyone. I want to keep living my life even if things are missing and not hurt anymore...

I'm going to show them all I can do it with out their help and bs. Show him it's not what he thinks either.

Day 1....After all is said and done...

This morning I forced myself to get up, get dressed and head to the gym... Why? Because I know it always helps even though I didn't want to work out I did it anyway. I know if I don't my back aches and leg plays up so I figured even if it was the only thing I did all day I got dressed and went to the gym. I worked out for over an hour although I didn't do my full work out.

Today's been hard I'm not going to lie, I had a cry in the shower at the gym. I had a cry sitting and just thinking this afternoon while doubting what decision I made yesterday. Yet I know I have made it with the right intentions and to try do what's right. I just hope one day the pain subsides and I'll be ok inside. It's easy to look ok on the outside I've been doing it for so long the last few years that it pretty much comes naturally even tho I know it shouldn't 😕

I know from last time when "he" left me the pain doesn't really go away you just learn to ignore it so it doesn't hurt as much. I'm not sure tho this time if I can ignore it as there's 4 years of memories and happiness to ignore... But I'm trying.

When you say nothing at all...

Four weeks....Four weeks of nothingness, four weeks of wanting to fix/sort/figure things out, four weeks to end up with the most painful answer on my own because four weeks ago you obviously left my life for good 😞

Yet four years ago you came into my life and seemed like you were determined to be in it to stay. How wrong was I to think/feel that I guess. I know a lot of it is my own fault, I let you have me believe every word that came from your mouth and messages. I let my walls down against my better judgement and now pay the ultimate price and the crap thing is I still want to believe...

I want to believe it wasn't all a farce, that even the past 2years we weren't distancing ourselves like I felt/thought was happening. Unfortunately the past 10mnths especially since January I have been feeling more and more like that's exactly what you planned, for us to become so distant its like we never existed to each other. It's been more noticeable since January when everything changed... We stopped talking/communicating like we used to, days could go by in silence. I hardly saw you and when I did it was like it was all a little secret and like I shouldn't be seeing you even though it was a five minute car ride, or the 15minutes you spent to get me to sign your passport papers. None of it was quality time and I'm guessing it's because it made it easier for you to be distant. Just like the day we planned to go to the movies and it was cancelled, I guess it becomes easier to keep cancelling when you want someone to disappear?

Then the past four weeks it's been completely like it never existed - did we truly even know each other? Were we actually friends? Because friends don't do this no matter how much they are hurt by each other. For four years I believed we could get through anything that as long as we believed in each other, supported each other and fought for what's right it would be ok... I guess I was wrong 😞

Today I wrote the last post in the book, why? Because it's obvious that you gave up on me, on our friendship and everything long before now and I don't have the strength to fight an eclipse anymore. I can't go on living like I have the past four weeks anymore so I need to say goodbye and thank you. Thank you for helping me become a better person, one who tries to trust and care, and one who tries to believe in happy afters even if there isn't one for me.
I wish you an amazing life and hope that you get all you dream of & be happy always

Goodbye.

Sempre. x

Its not what I want but i know its what i have to do after the past 4 weeks...

I have nothing left to fight for in this friendship when i am the only one here so I have to do whats right and say goodbye because you already left me again.