"Putting on a happy face"

Yep that's me the past week or two, putting on a happy face. Why? because I am having to watch people I am friends with about to go through something I have always wanted to, yet I will never get to. As much I am happy for them and love the fact they are happy and getting want they want etc. Its bittersweet because they are going through something I always thought I would do and would have done by now. Sadly I have been coming to terms the past few years with the fact that its just never going to happen in my life. My life has taken a different course to what I had dreamed and wanted and there is no point fighting it or wishing for it to change because it wont happen.

I was content and happy as I was till I was faced with this basically every day for the past two months since coming home from Auckland. I am happy for them don't get me wrong, but its all part of the reason I didn't want to get back into teaching. I don't want to be reminded everyday about being forever alone. Because as much as I am ok with that and have things to focus on, having to help someone who is in need due to their pregnancy is kinda hurting like hell... No one seems to really understand why either.  Its so frustrating!

I am rather looking forward to being able to go home and get into a routine and start back at uni. At least it will give me something to focus on and take my mind of the shite of the past year or so. I guess one thing I have learned the past year is, I shouldn't try with anything other than what Im good at.... studying and reading.... because anything else ends in disaster. 
 
11 days until Uni starts back and I cant believe I am actually counting down the days but its the one thing giving me something to focus on. I'm supposed to be having a birthday dinner a week after my birthday but I'm already thinking of cancelling it. Every year I just would rather it not happen, this year I'm feeling extremely old. Maybe its due to all the shite I have been through the past year, The loss of friends, the backstabbing, harassment, regret and everything else; but I just wish I could make it not happen at all... I cant even think of a single thing I have achieved in the past year....

At least the past few weeks I have been able to get back into my reading and powered through a few books. Heck Im even looking forward to reading the required readings for my Classics Papers (Yep Im  a freak)...

I just wish in some ways I could have a refund on 2013 because this year has so far been worse then 2012. Yet Im still the one making sure everyone else is ok, supporting them emotionally and otherwise and putting on the im ok dont worry about me face and helping others, when whose really been there for me? Emotionally supporting me? because as much as a couple of people say they support me, they are not really there when i need them.... so from here on in... Maybe I need to just go back to me and only me and not say or do anything for anyone or to anyone.... Then life will start coming back to how it was where there was no hassles and i could just focus on what needed to be done and do it.

"All or nothing,... This is my life"

June is already half way gone and I have been home for just about 8 weeks! Scary thought in some ways but in other ways completely the best thing I have done and maybe I should have done it sooner *shrug*  Although I am yet to spend a night at my own house LOL! 

I guess in some ways being home has let me see things from other prospective's which in some ways has been a great thing.... In other ways not so much but I guess that will always happen... I am glad though from seeing a few things from other view points it has helped my decision on what I am studying next semester at Vic. As well as making a plan on how to get a head more with it... 

It has also helped me see who in my life actually matters and who just take me for granted and expect me to always just be around when they need me and yet not be there in return. Who actually value friendship and who just thinks its something that they can take advantage of.. 

My focus at the moment is on getting things sorted for uni so when I actually am home, when Miss C is finally born and I wont be longer required where I am so much.... I managed to get a piece of furniture i desperately needed for my room the other day. Which will be picked up the end of the month. I look forward to it in someways as it means the past year will be officially over and I can just be me and do what I need to do for me and to hell with what anyone else thinks or what they feel i should be doing with my life.... 

I have come to terms with the fact it will always ever be just me and I'm ok with that... because in life nothing is ever fair :) But if it was fair then Life wouldn't be what it is I guess....

I feel like things are slowly but surely heading towards my plan for the next few months. Although I think it will feel more certain once I actually spend a night at my own place. I miss my flatmate/friend lol and I am still yet to meet the other flatmate LOL!

I really wish the next month would go slower as I don't want to be reminded that i will be a year older soon. Yet I still feel I haven't achieved much in the past year :( let alone the past 10 :/ although at least I will only have a yr and a half to be able to start towards being a registered teacher *does a lil dance* Less than what it would've been had i stayed at AUT and I am at least a lil happier doing it down here at home :D

well now to see what the new week is going to hold.....

"When you say nothing at all.... "

It's been a quiet 7 days in some ways in my life, after being pushed aside like common trash by someone who always said I meant something to them... I guess I wasn't so important after all in someways as "Actions Speak Louder Than Words" as they say. It hurts and bites after being told it wasn't going to be like that after I come home. Sadly I am home and have been home for just over 3 weeks now and its basically showing me my fears always come true. How can one believe what you say when you go back on your word and say nothing at all.... 

Another reason my life is a lil quiet in some ways is because I had to change my mobile number due to unwanted messages from some I thought got the hint when I changed my plans and no longer made contact with them after being cornered by them on university grounds. Where even the University did not take the issues seriously, now I change my number and finally the university contacts me to deal with it... Totally not good enough in my opinion! They should have dealt with it when the issues first arose while we were in a class! instead I was made to look unprofessional and treated badly and they got away with their actions scot free! 

Luckily I have began moving forward and on Wednesday started the process of sorting my study for semester two with a different university and going back to something I love doing. Roll on semester 2 when I can start my Level 200 Classics Papers, sadly they are paired with a 100 Level stats paper that I now have to take to be able to start my 200level Psychology papers but thats ok, as much as I dislike Stats I guess I will get it done in order to have an exciting year in 2014 study wise.

The past week has been a lil like living in my own personal hell, because as much as I love the fact friends are having babies and got to celebrate mothers day etc I am left feeling hurt due to what I lost with an ex awhile back and reminded that it just wont happen for me. Its not on the books for me to have. Its like I have to put my happy face on for everyone because its not fair on them to know that their happy moments are secretly hurting me.  I guess thats something I will just have to live with as its not like anyone can help and at least while they dont know its ok.. At least I succeeded in getting out of attending a baby shower since no-one bothered to actually tell me when it was being held (great organisational skills)....

I had an interesting job interview yesterday for a store I rather like but I am trying not to get my hopes up as I don't want another kick to the guts if i don't get it...

I have decided on a plan at least for the next few months.Which basically is just to focus on going to the gym and saving for my trip next year and getting ready to go back to a sport I enjoy.  Focusing on this even if it puts me in a "bubble" as someone calls it at least means the pain goes away and things get a lil easier... 

Hopefully as time goes on I can at least live in my own lil bubble and not have to be  like i have been the past few months :)

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes......

So many changes, and yet everything is still the same... Words I always heard growing up from the parent seem to be ringing true more and more these days.... As my life falls apart more, the more this year keeps plowing forward. 

To be honest I wish I could turn back time to this time last year in 2012 where I could prevent so much and not have to feel as I do these days.  
- My bank balance wouldn't look so bad
- I wouldn't be hurting emotionally like I am
- I wouldn't be having to purchase furniture again! 
- I would be feeling settled and sorted and not a mess a lot of the time

Instead sadly there is no time machine or any possible way of turning back time and so I am left trying to figure out how to keep going without losing the plot. Trying to forget the past year and pretend like it never happened so that in some ways I can keep going without falling apart. 

Yet through it all, All I can hear is my mothers words about deserving to be as I am and never deserving to be happy etc. To be honest I am starting think she is probably right, because what have I done or achieved in this life to be happy? I know generally people say always look on the bright side, but honestly what is bright about things I have been through? 

So far this life has taught me that those I trust will always hurt me and that I am better off not trusting anyone and staying clear of people in order to make it through the day. Why care or trust anyone when all they do is hurt you and take you for granted/use you? Even family seem to be like that. 

I made some changes a few weeks ago in the hopes some would finally leave me alone and stop harassing me due to a certain situation in my life, but apparently that doesn't work. Although I guess they finally may leave me the hell alone now they have finally got what they wanted..... The situation to no longer exist due to the fact I guess someone and I will no longer have contact after something thats happened today.... 

Just when you think life may slowly be getting a little better a bombshell is dropped that makes you realise life isn't finished kicking your ass to the ground and hurting you... But i guess with the news I should be happy for them but how can you support and be happy for someone when you know its going to end up being a disaster and dont want to watch it happen.....  I cant! I finally have realised I cant support something I dont believe is right, and in turn am probably hurting someone I care about. But with the bombshell they dropped I guess it probably doesn't matter as it will be like I never existed once their bombshell is actioned... 

So I guess I just have to figure out how to just pretend the past year never happened and just get my life back how it was before.... *sigh* at least now I have my close friends at hand since one of the changes I made happened two weeks ago and I am back where I belong...  I may never get what I wanted from life, be doing a degree and job I dont want to do because it reminds me of the fact i will never have my own family or anything of that matter but at least I feel at home..... 

I guess the next few months will be the start of getting back to life as it was before this time last year happened..... 

"..Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?"

Hmmm so  it was a lil bit of an up & down week the past week, as I wasn't well and yet travelled to wellington to see friends. Once I got there it wasn't too bad though. It was nice to see a few people (I would say everyone but no I didn't get to see everyone due to time etc).  

I got to catch up with "K" several times and head to our favourite cafe in Courtney Place where I always feel I can just be me. Free from everything that's been going on since I left Wellington. Its where "K" and I can go talk girl talk and just relax, As well as try new Noms and have  a good giggle. Oh and don't forget the fact they make the best Iced Coffee ever!!! The other best part about having time with "K" is seeing my favourite pampered pooch, Miss Cassy! Who as usual gave Aunty Pix loads of cuddles and puppy kisses!
 
I got to stay with a good close friend of mine and just forget life and stress for a bit which was nice. I also got to have time with Miss 4 who I have always had a bit of a soft spot for. So we read books and giggled together & took photos etc before she went to her dads on Easter Sunday. I then got to also meet Miss 2 who is just as cute as Miss 4 so of course I fell in love with her too! and if these two are anything to go by their baby sister who is on her way is going to be Gorgeous and full of mischief like her two big sisters!!  Spending time with them reminded me of what I probably will never have but it also reminds me that at least I get the fun of being an aunt and just enjoying my time with them. 

Yesterday I spent time with my "lil brother" along with "N" so we had quite a few laughs while in the Mall shopping and just generally being nosey. Albeit they both had fun at taking the piss out of me for my silly lil things! But it was nice & relaxing and it felt like I had not been away from home at all.

Today was a different story though after landing back in Auckland last night. It hit me though that I really do not particularly like Auckland. I put up with it and wont let it beat me while I have to be up here but it's not home.

I had another  counseling session this afternoon to work through some things from the past etc and things Ive been working on since last year etc etc. Lets just say I really wish there was a White Knight to save me after today's session. I wanted to burst into tears yet i refuse to let myself, I have done enough crying the past 8-9months that its like I am not sure I even have the energy to do it again. 

The silly thing is I came to the conclusion its my own fault in one particular situation, I could have got myself out of the situation months ago if only I could let myself break promises and just walk away.  Although it would probably still cause me pain for quite some time it would be less stress and things.  Silly me instead puts up with being taken for granted and walked over, harassed and hurt. Something I have decided is not going to keep happening if I can help it. 

So instead I am going to focus on what I want at the moment which is to get my assignments done and spend a bit more time reading my novel that has sat there being ignored since last week when it arrived and just have some me time. Because really in all honesty I probably don't need a white knight to save me when for years I have been saving myself......... forever alone but yet still happy.

"Embrace the Past and you can live for now, and I, will give the world to you."

I have been contemplating this post for a few weeks and haven't been sure weither to post it or not but to hell with it I shall just do it anyways... 

 In the past 6-7months I have finally been dealing and accepting my past due to being pushed to deal with it due to someone close to me... I even started counseling again and am coping a lot better then I thought I would be. But after the appointment the other day I am kinda frustrated with said person, because as much as they pushed me, they won't deal with their own stuff or the stuff to do with what they helped cause either.

To me I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place, not only does that person push & pull me, I have others also telling me what I should and shouldn't do with the overall situation as well. It frustrates me though that I start dealing and realising things but there is generally nothing I can do.

I get used as a relationship sounding/bounce board and yet I shouldn't be because of the promise made to me and the fact of what happened between us, but apparently its ok to discuss "relationship" things with me anyways... I guess you can't make someone see right and wrong, they have to figure it out for themselves, but I'm the one left hurting more because of someone else's actions.

I guess the saying is true that sometimes people only see what they want to see, and for someone who hates confrontation and dealing with things its easier to not see how they are hurting someone else. 

I am just hoping once the middle of the year gets here I will have distanced myself enough that as much as it will always hurt, I w ill at least be able to cope and be ok, because there is nothing I can do to change what they have decided, and I am fine with that. The sad thing is I see them giving up on their dreams/goals/aspirations and they probably won't have the support to get back to them, but it is not my job to do so. 

If I go back to how I was in Wellington at least I can numb the pain... Although I cant seem to even numb it enough at the moment. Some days are easier then others, especially when said person doesn't contact me and I have a feeling contact will stop completely when they do what they have planned. 

I doubt they will ever really see how things are or could be when they are so stuck in seeing things with rose tinted glasses and telling me no matter what that things don't work... If its one thing I have learned the past year is you don't know unless you try!! and with that lesson I have actually started trying new things in all aspects of life... so in a way as much as said person has caused so much in a way they did give the world to me in the fact I try new things etc even when  I am scared shitless!

"Hit me with the worst you got and knock me down Baby, I don't care!"

I came to the conclusion this week while I was facing hard decisions that for the past 10months I have been harassed and had crap said about me due to one of the big situations in my life. I have let it get to me and affect how I think and react with someone. I realised that I shouldn't be letting it! If they think they know my life without knowing the full story then so be it... They obviously are not happy with their own lives and feel the need to knock others down to feel better. I don't need them reminding me how crap etc I am etc, as I already beat myself up over things I've stuffed up lol... but at least I can honestly say that I have never harassed or hurt someone like they have me. I also forgive them because they obviously don't know any better. I hope one day they learn from their mistakes... whereas I've learned even if you know whose behind it no-one really cares or will deal with it :( The past week I decided that I'm not going to care what others think when it comes to my decisions I'm making them for me & me alone because I truly am alone in this world in some ways. So time to set my goals and go.... I have given up the silly childhood notion of meeting anyone to end up with etc, because the one thing I have learned is I just can't do relationships in any way shape or form... so I'm just going to throw myself completely into work & study because that's the only real things I've got going for me so might as well give it my all... I'm going to be 31 in 4months time so time to get serious and just get degree and work....

Whoops - Deleted Post From 22nd Feb

In realising I accidently deleted my post from last week about a white knight..., and not saving a draft copy :/ - lesson learned

" She got her head in the clouds And she's not backing down..."

so this week started out pretty crazy yet the above lyrics have been stuck in my head... Kinda fitting for someone who has done a tonne of thinking & decision making lately on how to achieve what goals I have for the year while the past 8 wks things have been chaotic and falling down around me.

I realised lately that to hell with what anyone else thinks I am going to put myself first on a few decisions... With my head held high and remembering that those that love me and care will understand and if not then screw them!

I'm still heading for my goals just doing it slightly different to how I first planned :)

so since I have been miserable since day 1 up here due to the job being ripped out from under me I am going to get back to where I am happy. Instead of being all alone up here which is what i have benn the past several weeks since things disintergrated with my bestie &  one other. I'm going to go back to where I have friends  & family.  I discovered I can transfer uni's etc which helps so Roll on the next four months so I can be back in the familar and with ppl who truly care etc.

I also realised  while I was down in Invercargill that as much as I dislike the place and was born in warm sunny Hawkes Bay, I really am a Southland Country gal at heart and that you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the gal!  

Which could be a reason this gal is hasn't been coping  in the concrete jungle of Auckland. I realised when we went to see Miss 5  on her first ever fishing trip on sunday how much I learned growing up down there, with holidays in Orepuki & camping at the lakes etc.....

I wouldn't be me without the experiences I had growing up down there even though I was always dreaming on how to get away from there..... now as the lyrics say "she's got her head in the clouds and she's not backing down".... its true I'm still going to fight to get what I want to achieve!

"Filled with catastrophe, but she knows she can fly..." - AND SO I SHALL!!! :-)

Everybody has a dark side...

So as mentioned in my post the other day, I now have to start dealing with some things from the past that to be honest scare me immensely. I know if don't deal with them they will come back to bite me when I least expect it again. As it is they have the past year and it's made me make some decisions I now regret and probably always will...

Tomorrow at noon is the first time in quite awhile that I will have to sit and deal with things and I'm scared as hell to be doing so. The last time I was this scared was while I was on holiday, and instead due to my past I didn't make the best decisions. I guess what makes it that little bit harder is knowing that the one person I would normally talk to after events etc, I can't really run to because of whats happened.  I'm alone and have no support while going through this and that person whom had promised they would always be there no matter what isn't. They got me to trust them which I don't do easily and open up and now they are gone and I am left to try keep together without support.... 

It leaves me with so many unanswered questions, which I'm not sure is more frustrating then the whole situation itself or what.... 

To be honest I feel like I am probably going to lose it completely at this appointment tomorrow and never be the same person again. The last week has been hard enough with everything in my life feeling like its completely falling apart without the realisation that I am all alone up here and have no support...Because on top of everything going on in my life, I have been dealing with the fact my bestie (A) may not be around for the plans we made in the future. The future seems awfully bleak with all this going on. How do you stay strong when you know they are fighting for their life again this time worse then the first time they fought the shitty wanky thing called Cancer? It's breaking me knowing I am so far apart and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it...

All of us have secrets and skeletons in the closet and I know tomorrow is supposed to help with all this and every appointment thereafter.

 Everybody has a dark side as Kelly Clarkson mentions in her song Dark Side and I know mine came exploding out the other week when things happened. I hit rock bottom and lost the plot completely, but in doing so I have lost someone I care about because they are blaming themselves for what happened that day and that's something I am probably not going to be able to fix :( 

What hurts more is the fact I have let them see every other dark side of me including my illness and even my anxiety attacks (although I had tried to prevent that) and yet this time it broke something that probably can't be fixed...  For someone like me who hates upsetting or hurting anyone and always puts everyone else first (as someone put it I'm a martyr), it's killing me inside to know that I have done something I may never be able to repair because I was too stubborn to listen sooner about the fact I wasn't dealing with things... 

I am not one for giving up and this is no exception but how do you keep going and keep fighting when someone wants to give up?   How do you overcome your dark side when you openly accepted theirs and all that comes with it and reassure yourself that its ok things are saveable/fixable? 

Friendships are tricky things and some days I wonder if I was really cut out to have them, my mind is great with Science and art but give it things like daily relationships and friendships etc and it just doesn't seem to deal/cope well..... 


I guess all I can do for the moment is at least deal with my dark side and keep trying to keep going support or not... and keep finding the positives in each day, which as hard as they are its one thing I can do to keep going and keep being me... 

It's not a bad thing when someone knows the darkest parts of you BatB 2012

"A heart of numbness..."

So the past week has been a tough one... some things happened that made me realise you really don't know what you've got till it's gone (or just about gone...).

I realised the past week after hurting someone I care about that they had done something for me without even really realising it...

Infact it took watching a recent episode of Glee {naked episode} to realise. I used to be someone who thought I was OK as I was, someone who was focused on goals/aspirations which were to do with my art, along with getting lost in my world of books and creativeness. Sure I spent time with friends as well but I didn't really let anyone in...

I wasn't living infact I realised recently that I was existing but not really living. It was like going through the motions of day to day life without feeling....

There are so many reasons for why I was like that and to be honest I have only really realised that in the past few weeks and started making a plan to deal with them (but that's a different post entirely).
This one person without me even realising (I am not even sure they realise they did it either), made me realise that part of the reason I chose to live like that was because of my past and not loving myself because of what happened and what I grew up being told....

They have made me realise that it doesn't matter what my parents grew up telling me... I'm my own person and even though I'm scared I can do things. That I am NOT the words they said.
This one person accepted me for me when I didn't even like me and wanted to push them away because I didn't think I deserve anyone to care about me bcos of the past amd my illness and other things.... and to be honest I still struggle with the idea of people knowing when I'm sick or seeing that because I don't like the idea of someone seeing me unable to move etc.

After the past week I realised I took it all for granted that they would always be there when I needed them. Instead I stuffed up big time and now have to deal...But I will be forever grateful that they taught me that its OK and that now I'm not so scared no matter what the outcome of anything I face in life, because a heart of numbness can be brought back to life.... and I am at least really living again... and being a lil more me again :)

So Thank-you.
Here's the song that had me thinking...

Scary new beginnings

So the past week I have finally got the last of my enrollment stuff sorted for AUT. Its a scary thought going back to Uni after working and doing my photography. 6 months ago I was adamant I was not going back to uni and I refused to even give it a second thought. I was determined to just keep fighting to find a position in ECE no matter what. 

I received several lectures from two close people about why I should consider it and yet me and my stubbornness still stuck to the NO I wont do it plan... Till November arrived and I had set myself a deadline to find a job in Auckland. The deadline lapsed, I still kept applying but I agreed that I really should enroll at Uni and it went from there. 

So last Friday I took paperwork in that they required and "A"and I went for a nosey around the city campus... We found the library and I was quite happy that I could spend copious amounts of time there... *insert nerd face here* lol.... 

I have also had to start looking for a new place as the lease on the Apartment runs out just as Uni starts in March and with "A" heading out of Auckland I decided what better way to start the year at uni with somewhere I am happy and hopefully reunited with Ninja-Kitty, so the hunt is on...

I had a phonecall last week from an ECE Centre I had an interview at a few months back. One that was interesting as I remember it clear as day now, as I channeled a comment someone always tells me when  im having one of those days lol.... They are keen to see me in a month or so to possibly sort a Teacher-in-Training Position so that would be great...

Although I also have an interview tomorrow with another centre which sounds promising.. I think at this point in time anything promising is good and a great way to keep my mind off other matters. 

So far January has been a weird month... In some aspects I feel like I am missing a limb so to speak. Other aspects I am now back enjoying the gym and taking out my frustrations there like I did when I was in Welly. 

I am off to see family in Invercargill in just over a week and am really looking forward to it as its been just about a year since I saw them when I left Christchurch... 

Hello 2013......

So 2013 has been here just about a full 7 days & it's already been a rollercoaster ride thus far...

I saw the New Year in reflecting on the past year and all it held while sitting on the beach front watching waves crash & the moon (which was freaking huge compared to normal) reflecting on the water....

2012 was one that started out with hope & a plan... The plan changed to one I didn't expect at all. It taught me a lil more about myself as a person, a lot about what life can throw at you & what I can handle. It also taught me A LOT about TRUST!

Along with having to say goodbye to some I thought were friends etc... it also taught me that family is what you make it & sometimes friends really are the family you pick for yourself...

All and all it was a rollercoaster ride that I managed to survive, and I wouldn't change it!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

2013 has been here 6 days and I have already had obstacles thrown this way....

I have had stuff I got out of storage along with my laptop stolen...

Strange news from home (chch)....

But also Amazing news from a very close friend/family which has me believing anything can happen if you dream a little..... :-)

That hindsight is a great thing! But sadly never helpful when you need it so giggling & hope at least help...

I have even started back at the gym & found my determination again.... (OK admittedly I was pushed to find something to do lol but in doing so have remembered why I enjoy going etc)...

So this year is one I shall hopefully stay focused-ish on the plan & goals I have set.... (I say ish because nothing really goes how I plan lol)..... but onwards & upwards!!