Everybody has a dark side...

So as mentioned in my post the other day, I now have to start dealing with some things from the past that to be honest scare me immensely. I know if don't deal with them they will come back to bite me when I least expect it again. As it is they have the past year and it's made me make some decisions I now regret and probably always will...

Tomorrow at noon is the first time in quite awhile that I will have to sit and deal with things and I'm scared as hell to be doing so. The last time I was this scared was while I was on holiday, and instead due to my past I didn't make the best decisions. I guess what makes it that little bit harder is knowing that the one person I would normally talk to after events etc, I can't really run to because of whats happened.  I'm alone and have no support while going through this and that person whom had promised they would always be there no matter what isn't. They got me to trust them which I don't do easily and open up and now they are gone and I am left to try keep together without support.... 

It leaves me with so many unanswered questions, which I'm not sure is more frustrating then the whole situation itself or what.... 

To be honest I feel like I am probably going to lose it completely at this appointment tomorrow and never be the same person again. The last week has been hard enough with everything in my life feeling like its completely falling apart without the realisation that I am all alone up here and have no support...Because on top of everything going on in my life, I have been dealing with the fact my bestie (A) may not be around for the plans we made in the future. The future seems awfully bleak with all this going on. How do you stay strong when you know they are fighting for their life again this time worse then the first time they fought the shitty wanky thing called Cancer? It's breaking me knowing I am so far apart and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it...

All of us have secrets and skeletons in the closet and I know tomorrow is supposed to help with all this and every appointment thereafter.

 Everybody has a dark side as Kelly Clarkson mentions in her song Dark Side and I know mine came exploding out the other week when things happened. I hit rock bottom and lost the plot completely, but in doing so I have lost someone I care about because they are blaming themselves for what happened that day and that's something I am probably not going to be able to fix :( 

What hurts more is the fact I have let them see every other dark side of me including my illness and even my anxiety attacks (although I had tried to prevent that) and yet this time it broke something that probably can't be fixed...  For someone like me who hates upsetting or hurting anyone and always puts everyone else first (as someone put it I'm a martyr), it's killing me inside to know that I have done something I may never be able to repair because I was too stubborn to listen sooner about the fact I wasn't dealing with things... 

I am not one for giving up and this is no exception but how do you keep going and keep fighting when someone wants to give up?   How do you overcome your dark side when you openly accepted theirs and all that comes with it and reassure yourself that its ok things are saveable/fixable? 

Friendships are tricky things and some days I wonder if I was really cut out to have them, my mind is great with Science and art but give it things like daily relationships and friendships etc and it just doesn't seem to deal/cope well..... 


I guess all I can do for the moment is at least deal with my dark side and keep trying to keep going support or not... and keep finding the positives in each day, which as hard as they are its one thing I can do to keep going and keep being me... 

It's not a bad thing when someone knows the darkest parts of you BatB 2012