So many changes, and yet everything is still the same... Words I always heard growing up from the parent seem to be ringing true more and more these days.... As my life falls apart more, the more this year keeps plowing forward.
To be honest I wish I could turn back time to this time last year in 2012 where I could prevent so much and not have to feel as I do these days.
- My bank balance wouldn't look so bad
- I wouldn't be hurting emotionally like I am
- I wouldn't be having to purchase furniture again!
- I would be feeling settled and sorted and not a mess a lot of the time
Instead sadly there is no time machine or any possible way of turning back time and so I am left trying to figure out how to keep going without losing the plot. Trying to forget the past year and pretend like it never happened so that in some ways I can keep going without falling apart.
Yet through it all, All I can hear is my mothers words about deserving to be as I am and never deserving to be happy etc. To be honest I am starting think she is probably right, because what have I done or achieved in this life to be happy? I know generally people say always look on the bright side, but honestly what is bright about things I have been through?
So far this life has taught me that those I trust will always hurt me and that I am better off not trusting anyone and staying clear of people in order to make it through the day. Why care or trust anyone when all they do is hurt you and take you for granted/use you? Even family seem to be like that.
I made some changes a few weeks ago in the hopes some would finally leave me alone and stop harassing me due to a certain situation in my life, but apparently that doesn't work. Although I guess they finally may leave me the hell alone now they have finally got what they wanted..... The situation to no longer exist due to the fact I guess someone and I will no longer have contact after something thats happened today....
Just when you think life may slowly be getting a little better a bombshell is dropped that makes you realise life isn't finished kicking your ass to the ground and hurting you... But i guess with the news I should be happy for them but how can you support and be happy for someone when you know its going to end up being a disaster and dont want to watch it happen..... I cant! I finally have realised I cant support something I dont believe is right, and in turn am probably hurting someone I care about. But with the bombshell they dropped I guess it probably doesn't matter as it will be like I never existed once their bombshell is actioned...
So I guess I just have to figure out how to just pretend the past year never happened and just get my life back how it was before.... *sigh* at least now I have my close friends at hand since one of the changes I made happened two weeks ago and I am back where I belong... I may never get what I wanted from life, be doing a degree and job I dont want to do because it reminds me of the fact i will never have my own family or anything of that matter but at least I feel at home.....
I guess the next few months will be the start of getting back to life as it was before this time last year happened.....
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