It's been more than awhile since I've been able to sit and write without bursting into tears. Finally now 8 months later I'm numb enough to write and be ok with it and my life as it is now. 2014 has been here 3months already!
The past 8 months hasn't been easy and just like the lyrics in the title I am sure I've been stumbling & falling more than anything else.
I have learned that you can never fully trust anyone as they are only out to make their own lives better and to hell with who they hurt. I've learned that one true friend is better than many who say they are there for you, and I'm totally grateful my bestie who is miles away on the other side of the world is still with us today. She reminds me everyday how to be resilient and smile even when it hurts like hell. To be myself even when everyone else expects me to be what they want... I'm truly grateful to have her as part of my life.
I have learned that making what you think is the right decision altho it maybe right can also be painful. That no matter how you see it someone else will always poke holes in it and make you feel like an idiot no matter what the reasons behind it are. They don't realise that deep down you could be beating yourself up about it as it is and just end up making you feel lousy. It's not their fault they just don't see things how you do and that's ok... everyone has their own opinions etc.
I have also learned that no matter how much you believe in someone and believe they care, they can hurt you just as much as someone you don't know. It's reality, a fact of life and there's not a darn thing can be done about it.
Smiling and saying you're ok at least makes others happy while on the inside you're tearing yourself apart trying to make sense of the decisions you made. Thankfully one always remembers that she's made the best decisions she could at the time and made them because it made others happy.
I may not have the life I thought id have 2yrs ago... or even 5 yrs ago. My opinions on things may have become a lil more cynical and I may have given up believing in some things.... BUT at least I am still striving towards my main couple of goals.
1. To finish my degree - which is going well at the moment. I'm finding correspondence a lot better for the simple fact when I'm sick I'm still able to study, albeit a lil slower than other days.
2. To take each day as it comes & find a positive in it. Like the sun shinning or a flower blooming etc.
Life is what we make it and as long as I'm ok with my decisions and can get thru each day even if I cry it means its a good day.
I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to be like everyone else getting married, having babies or even dating. Bcos its not something I can do bcos of the past and the issues caused, I may never find another "safe" as my sister put it but at least I can say I'm ok with life and keep moving forward...
As long as I can smile & know everyone around me is ok and happy etc then I'm ok with that....
No comments:
Post a Comment