It's so far been exactly 4 weeks today that I acted on my decision to take time out from my life... A sabbatical from my life as KF put it to me when I had no idea what to call my decision.
A decision I wasn't sure was a good one to make considering the little fight it caused when discussed a month or 2 previously with someone whose opinion and advice mattered a lot, But I made the decision and acted on it because for just about 2yrs what have I done for me?
I've supported and been there for everyone else and helped everyone else and got hurt in the process. So taking time out to find me and enjoy just being me, I felt was long overdue in some aspects. I know tho in taking time out I'm also helping "P" out for awhile so she can take the kids on a trip of a lifetime... so in a way its still not doing something for myself but I've never been a selfish person...
So far the past month I have managed to get a merit on my first assignment for the year. See one of my closest friends I haven't seen since I was 18 and realise how much I miss my life in Wellington. As well as deciding on new goals and trying to find my focus...
The downside to it all is realising I have far too much time on my hands and do far too much thinking about life etc. In doing so I've realised that my decisions the past year or two have probably hurt more people then I realised, But I thought I was making them for the right reasons.
I left Auckland in the hopes that the harassment would stop because if I wasn't in the same city as "him," she had no reason to harass me. I left "him" because I wanted him to be happy with her and have the life he desered, full of happiness etc. I did hope he wouldn't see me leaving as me walking away from our friendship or abandoning "him" as im not that kind of person but as the months go on I do think its more and more a possibility now. We haven't seen each other in 8.5mnths, I don't remember the last ph call and the last text I got was pretty much implying im causing him to have things fallapart... I miss my friend the one I could discuss anything and everything with, the hugs when I need one and just the silly laughs.
I also left Auckland hoping that coming home to Wellington would mean I could have life how it was before the previous months had happened. That I wouldn't be hurting or beat myself up over everything, I'd find my focus and a new job and reconnect with friends I'd left the previous August like nothing had changed too much.
Unfortunately it didn't turn out that way, instead I discovered I'd lost another of my close friends "JA" due to the situation and life wasn't going to be the Normal it was when I left. I still was going to hurt from what had been happening and feel like id lost something but unsure what...
I started my studies again after having to overcome seeing someone get something I wanted and deal with the fact I'm not going to get that in life. I had previously been ok with not getting that till I had a glimpse of possibility and hope only to have it slip away when I yet again decided to be a martyr as "he" used to put it.
But I pulled myself up and kept going because I had too which is how I find myself sitting on P's porch this morning trying not to bawl and writing....
Because I'm now feeling like I have completely lost everything.... because I don't seem to even have my friendship with "him" whom I used to be able to discuss everything with etc... our mutual bestfriend "A" said she would give me a call so we could try fix our friendship after issues last yr but that was october and I've given up waiting as she obviously doesn't care...
My other bestie is on the otherside of the world and the time difference is a killer these days as im up early with niece & nephew and therefore in bed earlier then I normally would be too which is making it hard to skype... but her sweet fbk msgs bring a giggle...
My sister has had a lot going on and so even catching her at a free moment is hard enough.
I know & believe everything happens for a reason... that life supposedly doesn't have things happen just to screw with us.... but it honestly feels like it does at the moment...
And somehow through it all I have to keep focus and remind myself that apparently life gets easier and a lil less painful with each passing day... (altho I am yet to see that lol).
But I am reminding myself each day of the following quote “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” - Robert F. Kennedy
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