So with feeling like I have been falling/stumbling a lot the past few months with so much, I made a decision i had previously considered but discarded due to some opinions. Another extremely gut-wrenching decision but one that benefits my niece & nephew more than anything. As well as being able to hopefully give me some perspective on my life.
So far its been 4weeks this week and I have to say it is definitely not getting any easier, as not only do I feel like I am living in some forgotten land I also feel like I have practically lost everything and everyone I care about or hold dear to me. Its just about a year on since I left Auckland and I still find I cry myself to sleep a lot but I'm ok with that because at least i know I haven't completely lost my emotions.
I guess part of the reason i decided to come down for awhile was to try find me again. The happy go lucky pixie i was 2years ago. The one who didn't care what anyone thought because she didn't have to let them into her world. The one who because she had no life and no reason to put herself out there, threw herself into her Artwork and crafting as well as study and work. So far I've picked up my camera once in 4wks, definitely not normal for someone whose camera used to be an extension of her arm. The good thing being I am at least focused on my studies and got a Merit for my 1st essay of the year.
Im still finding the positives in everyday, even though this town was one place i never thought id ever come back to for longer than 2wks holiday to see the family.... I am determined to survive and make the best of what I can because that is what I have always done. Lets just hope I don't lose my sanity while here though.
It seems though while here like I have ceased to exist though in a way. WHY? because since arriving some seem to have just removed me from life.... The ones that said they would always be there.... I know life gets busy but it just seems completely odd. But i will keep moving forward, picking up the pieces and building my lego house....
The start of that was the other week when I cut my hair short and dyed it purple... WHY? because they say change is as good as a holiday so i did it. I'm glad i did too, i guess its the first step on the way to finding me and my lil world again, of getting over the pain and broken promises etc...... Just don't anyone give me a cat or I will probably end up a crazy cat lady...
Its 3months till I plan on heading back to Welly, so lets hope i survive this and keep picking up the pieces.... because they say pain lessens with time... I hope they are right!
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