The last few days have had indepth discussions with a friend (SS) about the past and what I've been dealing with... and by the past I mean growing up.... which is the past I have been dealing with and trying to put behind me for awhile and hopefully have now.... (I may have the occasional moment where I may feel the past is right even tho I know its not these days).
I was first told I needed to deal with some of it because it apparently causes me issues when making decisions in my life according to "him". I wasn't so sure but I thought what the hell I might as well deal with my life...He was right there was some unresolved issues, considering I have had nothing to do with the parent who brought me up since January 2012. In some ways its been a blessing as I'm not reminded each day of the same things I was growing up. But I will admit there was a grieving process after walking away. Not that I probably should have grieved considering what she put me thru.
I also get why "he" used to get angry when I used to say what I grew up hearing from said parent. He was right, what happened when I was 7 was not my fault, no child asks for that to happen. My parent should have protected me from it happening and not blamed me afterwards. Altho in saying that does a parent who admits that they didn't adopt you out because they were keeping you to spite their mother (my grandmother), really want a child and going to protect them?
But after what happened instead of loving and supporting me etc, I end up learning over the years that it was all my fault. That I didn't deserve to be happy, didn't deserve a family because I broke ours, didn't deserve to be loved and certainly not end up married with children.
So I believed that over the years, I played it safe going thru high school altho KF set me up with someone. It didn't get past a few group dates lol all because I believed like king midas in a way id destroy what I touched. It also didn't help that when the opposite sex came near me alarm bells in my head went off and I can't stand them near me....
I'm not sure my parent has ever understood what shes put me thru but I guess thats her problem to deal with. We were never close considering I turned 11 and she handed me a book on puberty not once discussing any of it. Everything with her was done from a distance, I don't even remember hugging her once without her flinching (another reason "he" coped my anger last yr). I was the child she openly admitted she didn't want unlike my younger sibling which is not something anyone should hear.
I went through life up until "he" made me see differently that I deserved unhappiness and to be on my own etc. (Albeit not having alarm bells etc in my head when the opposite sex touches me or comes near has only happened with 1 person). He made me start thinking she was wrong etc and had be start believing again. I also started counseling again due to it and have come to terms with what my parent has put me through.
My decisions when I've dated etc were probably bad ones considering I dated these guys to appear normal. I did the "duties" because thats what you did to appear normal. While all I wanted was to be as far away from them as possible, I was panicking and screaming inside with alarm bells going off but I was with them to be normal. To look normal, to have a normal relationship...
I've since learned that trying to appear normal to others is probably not a good thing when it hurts me more. That I picked guys that made things worse and thanks to therapy and counseling I may only ever find 1 person who I feel safe and not have the heebie jeebies/alarm bells/panicking etc with and who could be near and touch me etc.
Through the past year with counseling and remembering what "he" kept telling me too. I know that it's ok to be happy and I can be loved, that I don't destroy things and enjoy life... I may only have 1 I feel safe etc with because of the past and I'm ok with that because I have found other aspects in life to enjoy and focus on.
I did find one who has never caused all these things and didn't even realise at first, But I let it go so they could be happy... (yet again being the "martyr" I guess). I know it probably won't happen again because I don't generally have that luck lol...
But I have my life and am finding me again... finding focus in my studies, in my art & photography, and in my times with my niece & nephew. Finding new focus and hopes instead of wanting things I wanted as a child because for some people we may never be more than a friend or an aunt and thats ok. Because maybe we were chosen to not have children or partners etc for reasons we may not ever know...
One of my fav quotes I've been reminding myself of lately is as follows:
" This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up." - Marilyn Monroe.
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