"... Cue the rain, In my heart little sparks everywhere..."

It's only Tuesday and already this week seems so full on both physically and emotionally.  I never thought taking a "Sabbatical" from my usual life would affect me as much as it is emotionally, considering after leaving Auckland last year it emotionally drained me and hurt it's nothing compared to leaving life as I have known it and being where nothing is the same... There's no hope of things changing as there was when I left Auckland, there's no one to just go have coffee and a catch up with, not even a gym buddy. It's like I have become this invisible person, a ghost of sorts. 

Which in some ways is rather fitting because the only people who really know how I've felt and what I've gone through the past 22 mnths are in Auckland and "Him" and my big sister in the UK. Which of course means it's like I never existed in the first place, because I can guarantee he will never have told anyone... I guess in some ways it should make the past 22 mnths easier to forget, especially after what happened the last weekend of January, but it doesn't. Infact it makes it a hell of a lot harder because am I haunted by these memories of things that actually happened or was it all a figment of my imagination? what proof do i have that it ever happened other than a necklace that brings pain when I see it and can no longer bring myself to wear because it reminds me of broken promises, empty promises and the fact I wish  I had been brave enough to fight for what I wanted. Instead I bowed out, let someone harass me and thought I was making the right choice. 

Now I look back and I know my choice was right because as much as it hurts me I put someone else's happiness before mine and did it for unselfish reasons... Just like my decision to have a "sabbatical" is because "P" is taking the kids on a trip of a lifetime and was struggling so coming to help was the best thing because I hate knowing people aren't ok especially if i can help in someway. It's also helping me  by allowing me to save money after the hassles the past 2yrs, and get ahead in my studies without any distractions etc, as well as slowly confronting the past.

Talking to "SS" today it made me realise it's not my fault whats happened, but because of how things happened its like i have no closure. I can admit I am ok on my own that I am ok that I wont get those things every girl dreams about and thats ok. I have been working on accepting that the past few months. I know "SS" gets a lil upset with me when I say it but i have to be ok because I have no one to rely on, or gain support from etc, I lost all that a year ago, nothing has been the same since "he" walked away for those 18days.  I do remember before that happened I could go days/weeks without crying yet now days little things can make me cry.... Heck my niece "Miss 6" can give me a hug and just say I love you and it brings tears to the eyes... How did  I end up this person who cry's so easily?

I remember "Him" saying last time i ever saw him, saying he wishes I could go a day without crying... well i have to admit i wish i could too.... Its like something broke or I've lost something since "he" walked away and came back and now the lil things make me cry.. Like I have become this over-sensitive emotional mess. Hopefully it wont last forever but even if it does, I guess it doesn't matter too much because I'm my own and happy, and as long as I'm happy in myself and with myself the nothing else matters. 

Physically I feel like I have climbed a mountain and then some as "Miss 6" has broken her arm and on top of that is having an allergic reaction to something. Shes taking it in her stride having her first ever cast and think its cool she has a broken arm... I feel like this completely useless Aunty who cant do anything to help, as Miss 6 and I have always had bond and been close. She reminds me in someways of what I have lost but also that I still have family like her and her brother. This morning she woke me up at 5am because it was cold and couldn't find her blankets lol. I have to admit early mornings before 7am Aunty Pixie doesn't generally cope but when I get a gorgeous cuddle from her then it makes everything better.  Miss 6 definitely reminds me each day that as much as I am overcoming my past, dealing with things and on a "sabbatical" from my life that there's always something positive in each day..... She also reminds me that it's ok to love people even if they don't care in return. Her hugs may not be the ones I have missed the past 9/10 months but they still make things better and for that I will forever be grateful.