What a difference 2 months make....

I had started writing this post in my mind for the better part of a week... Now its time to put it to type and say it all and the information given to me today is as perfect reason as any to do so...

For the better part of 2 months I have hardly had anything to do with *him. He let me down in August by not keeping his word when it came to my pets when I went away. He let me down by not catching up for coffee since my birthday. Hes let me down by making promises he never intended to keep when the house was sold. He promised to cook me dinner and have regular catch ups because the new girlfriend didnt care and liked me.... I am glad I did not hold my breath... why?

Because I have not seen him since my Birthday which was in july, I hardly heard from him in august as he would read and ignore so when I got back from Australia I decided to not message unless it was an emergency. I did however have to ask a political question on election day and then I hit ignore messages again. So for the past month if he has tried to message he has been going to the spam box on facebook. This is because I sent a very indepth email to his actual email account that week a few days before election day telling him I was not willing to let him treat me as he has been. He cant come and go as he feels, he cant hold things over me to hurt me etc. Funnily enough there was no response to that email.

He has however tried to message straight after i sent him back to spam in facebook asking for something but hasnt followed back up to get it... so goes to show it was more just to hurt me or to be spiteful instead. Something so typical for him as he has proclaimed many a time he does things out of spite in regards to me...

The past 4 weeks since elections I have finally been ok with *him not being in my life, alot more ok with it than any other time before WHY? because I see him for what he is.... The one who wont deal with his Bipolar disorder, infact he wont even tell his family. He wont deal with any of his issues but is so quick to be harsh and pinpoint other peoples issues. So quick to hurt others and think it does not affect them. I know I deserve better than that. This person used me to make themseleves feel better everytime their life wasnt what they wanted. There was even once they tried to throw themseleves off a balcony and I had to be there.. Thats something I cant forget. He repeats these patterns and after just about 6years I do not want to deal with that anymore.

I have goals and dreams and I deserve to achieve them without having to be that person there boosting someone elses ego. I deserve my happiness and to be happy without having someone tear me down saying I am not good enough. He used to tell me he wasnt like everyone else, he wasnt like my ex's and yet what hes done the past 6years is worse than any of my ex's have ever done, which says more about a persons character than i ever imagined. I think it comes down to the fact when people are not happy with themseleves they will destroy and tear down those they are close to or they care about or love. Unfortunately last year taught me to stand up for myself and not let someone do that to me anymore... It taught me that people like that are spineless when they let their Girlfriends dictate who they can and cant be friends with which is what he did last year. Let alone this year with the new one.

This past year I made decisions for me and what I want in my life and the fact is he may be my bestfriend but hes not the person he once was. He has no idea about me or what i want to achieve and enjoy etc. He lost that connection when he let someone else tell him what they did last year.

I believe as much as you can find your "soulmate" or whatever and can have the most amazing bonds and connections with someone sometimes you just need to let them go. I let him go once before way back in the beginning and I did it again this year because I want to enjoy being me. The me who is growing stronger every day, The me I was before the detour in life from surgery. You may find your one but sometimes that one isnt ready for you and thats ok. I know for me I am so much better and stronger on my own and thats ok :) I have never needed any one to complete me. I may love him but thats ok I love me more and believe in myself more!

Heres to many more years like this! :)


and to him....
I am sorry you do not like that I stand up for myself, that you could not deal with our friendship and how life could have been. I am sorry you do not know how to be a friend while in a relationship and that it was too hard for you. I owe you thanks for all you have taught me since we met, that without you i wouldnt be where I am today and for that I will always be grateful. I am sorry I wasnt the person you wanted me to be and that you feel I put too many expectations on you in your mind, All i ever wanted for you was to be yourself. I hope you find that piece of you and be the person I know and see you can be. May you have an amazing life. 
Sempre
M.

I will survive and carry on ...

Yesterday I think I finally accepted the fact I deserve better than to have someone I care about basically muck me around read and never reply to my messages. Pretend they are there and say things and yet when crunch comes to crunch never really be there. I got sick of having answers that made no sense and weren't really answers, they were more answers to keep me hanging on, to keep me believing and thinking they cared. I guess yesterday I finally cracked, I had enough and I spoke my mind and then put a stop to it. 

You see *He* has a habit of keeping me hanging on and saying what he thinks will keep me happy and believing but I realised since my birthday which will be a month ago tomorrow that the conversation was just that. He wasnt giving me answers instead he was always pointing the finger at me, blaming me and telling me I was accusing him of things, he was blaming me for the crap communication and things and yet I am the one who has been communicating clearly and efficiently since our talk on the phone before christmas and the visit where i gave him his gifts and was made a promise that he still has not fulfilled.  

All these broken promises and words after six years finally broke me, finally I have had enough. Why should I fight for something when *he* isnt? why keep believing when its obvious he gave up a long time ago and his decisions the past few years are proof of that? 

I may love *him* but it doesn't mean I have to be ok with being treated the way I have been especially since the start of 2017. A friend doesnt ditch you because of girlfriend or boyfriend for that matter at short notice, they dont lie to you about having gifts for you that never eventuate, they dont like about making time to spend with you. They keep their promises and they know when you need to talk and need support and they do it... Sadly he hasnt done that since he met this new chick, instead hes been more impulsive and reckless than i have ever known him to be... The issues he told me he had when we met, well the past six months more than ever before i have felt he needs the medication for them in order to realise what hes doing and how hes destroying himself let alone anyone else he cares about.  I have never seen him be so impulsive and reckless till now and it scares me, hes not the guy i know. He jumps when she says jump, she says no he cant do such and such and so he doesnt. :( normally he would still do his thing and yet not anymore.... 

Gone is the guy i used to know and i cant watch that anymore or be a part of it. It hurts too much. So I had to make the decision I have been dreading ever since that question on the couch in auckland where I told him if he asked the other one I would say good bye and that was it... Well with his lack of communication and the pain hes been causing I had to do that yesterday, he kept reading my messages and saying nothing and thats not friendship or anything else for that matter so I told him that I dont know this person anymore and that hes not the person I know him to be with his actions now and therefore until hes ready to talk to me like the person i know him to be that this was it. That when he was ready he would know how to contact me and good luck. Then I hit block messages, so now he cant message me at all unless he gets off his ass and unblocks my cellphone or turns up at the house. I can guarantee he wont turn up to the house as his girlfriend wont let him as he has to play happy families with her and her kids. 

It hurts like hell to have hit the block messages but i know its for the best because he wont learn what hes doing to hurt me otherwise :(  I still love him but I cant keep being pushed and pulled and only here when hes in need of an ego boost or whatever..

Pushing and Pulling...

The past 8 months have been one of confusion, pain, hurt, love, and many other feelings and all because One ended his relationship and decided I was back in his life again... Although this time I was a lot more weary and a lot more vocal about how I have been feeling and my dislike of how I am being treated. Yet he still pushes and pulls and thinks its ok to treat me like he cares and still has feelings all the while, hes dating so many till one makes him stick with just her and within a few weeks is telling me hes selling his house and they are buying one together... 

Apparently she owns her own home yet guess what? 8 weeks after his house is sold and 6 weeks since they moved into the house he purchased, her house is still not for sale or for rent... So yet again i see him being used and sucked into something that is going to destroy him.. 

He hasnt healed from all he went through last year with the horse or the fact he ended it. He hasnt dealt with any of the relationships that have hurt him the past six years.. and the kicker... He pushed me to tell him everything and i did, only to have him hook up with this current one who hes now playing daddy to her children with a couple of days later.... 

No one prepares you for losing your bestfriend and the one you love over and over, because even though you both love each other one wants to deal and the other wants to run.. how do you heal when you finally tell him the things you havent for years? You cant! you go around feeling like a piece of you is missing constantly just like i have everytime we have been apart the past six years. 

I wrote him a letter before the house sold and left it somewhere he would find it later on. I dont know if he has found it or read it but i basically told him i couldnt be apart of this. The fact that he keeps telling me the new girlfriend likes me when its actually bs because she acts so insecure near me and he has hardly had time with me since being with her. 

He did keep his word for my birthday and take me out for dinner but thats only because she was away on some trip with her parents and kids.... since then I havent seen him and hes hardly messaged me... Its like I only exist when he wants me to, and I cant be that person. I cant keep getting pushed and pulled at his will, Im not a puppy or anything else. and to top it off i get told her exhusband and new partner are now engaged and having a baby... whats the bet He now does the same thing because the one thing i have noticed with this new chick.. She says jump and he says how high and does everything she wants him to do :(

I get that some of what I told him earlier this year about what i wanted and needed to do in my life and yet still wanted him too obviously was way too much to handle.. But what happened to that guy that said he would always be there that he wouldnt give up on me as long as i didnt give up on him? That he loved me no matter what and cared and would give me the world? and yes he even has said that the last few months too... Yet how can one give me the world when hes with someone else :(

I had thought we were starting to get somewhere and things were going to improve but it seems only one of us grew up the past year while we were apart. and now i have to be ok with letting him and all of it go all over again. Good bye my happy ending, good bye to my bestfriend and good bye to life as it was...

To Him:
If you are reading this, I am sorry I tried to keep our friendship from falling apart by being in contact when I of all people should know due to the past few years with you that it doesnt work like that at all. I am sorry I cant support your decisions any more when they cause me pain and you dont see that your actions and decisions  affect me.  I wish you all the best in life and all it holds.

Sempre 

Courage...

It's taken me a lot to finally sit down and write this post, WHY? because I have no idea who even reads my blog let alone pays attention to it... Lately I have learned that it doesn't matter who reads it if anyone reads it at all. I have been learning that who gives a Rats Ass, if anyone reads it or if anyone likes me or not. Why should I have to be what everyone else wants me to be? I shouldn't.

I have spent far too much time the last few years worrying about what everyone thinks or how I come across to people instead of just being me and being ok with it. I know it started long before I met *him* and the drama that ensued that first year or even the years since. I also know its not fully his fault either. BUT I have realised that I am no longer going to waste time worrying about what peoples opinions are or how they think or feel when it comes to me... I am Me, I do not need to please everyone or anyone as long as I live my life right which means keeping my morals, having faith and hope, believing in myself and being happy! I do not have to consider things others tell me IE: someone telling me I shouldn't be friends with X,Y,Z, or that I cant do something etc. I have the right and will make my decisions based on my beliefs and what i feel is right.

It's take a long time to be ok with these things considering so much of it started when I met *him* and had people causing trouble left, right and centre, and I was too weak and lacking confidence to stand my ground or fight back. I did do what I felt was right in my heart and lost people and that's ok too. I know they weren't true friends if they caused crap and disappeared so quickly when I didn't do what they wanted. I have come through so much the past two years especially and it took the better part of 16mnths from surgery to just be at peace with my spinal injury/surgery and that it had no explanations. Which was hard for me because i run with facts and science and there was nothing to back what happened up, it was just a freak accident of an injury. Sadly it has also meant I have damaged/pushed away some people I thought would always be there, but as I am learning those that are meant to be in your life do come back. 

I have found I can stand my ground more now and am learning that I do not have to put up with people who treat me like they can pick me up/put me down whenever they feel like it. I have also learned to fight back when someone tells me that I cant be friends or should walk away from someone etc. I do not have to do what they say because I am me and I am strong and follow my heart and my beliefs when I make decisions and to hell what others think of me and going against what they want. 

I have found things that make me smile everyday, yes some days are harder than others, some days I still find I cry because someone is missing in my life. but I have learned that its ok to shed a tear or two and that at least I have some memories that can make me smile, although sometimes they are a little bittersweet when i realise i may never have that again. The great thing is at least I can say I have lived and followed what i believe to be the right thing to do, even if I have broken and trashed my heart and keep to myself a lil more these days. I find happiness in finding my strengths, and am amazed how much i have changed in so many ways. 

Life may not be what or where I thought it would be this year but at least I can Smile and know my worth and that I deserve to be happy and loved. Something I couldnt even say 12months ago which caused me to pretty much destroy something in my life that meant so much to me. Granted it wasnt just me that destroyed it gradually but i feel most responsible because of how i was and things. But as long as I am alive, can walk and just be me then i am still alive and will not stop living... 

In saying that, yesterday I started a 6 week shred programme at the gym, something I never thought I would do but I only live once so why not! so tonight is our first bootcamp and I am a lil scared because our tuesday sessions are in public areas and not at the gym! But I am going and I will hold my head high and do it because I am not the scared shy meek person i was at the start of this year :) 

Time...

They say Time heals all wounds, and that Time has a wonderful way of showing us what or whom really matters.  To me, Time is something that moves so quickly and yet doesn't help the healing process. Instead the more time ticks on the more I feel like nothing will be ok. It reminds me of all I have lost and all that I never will have in my life. It reminds me that people I went to school with or grew up with or even just people from the last few years, are all getting married, having babies and doing the things I wanted to do in my life. Yet, here I am with none of those things at all. 

Why? because I let my fears and anxieties dictate my actions, I let them take control of me instead of speaking up or showing what i want in my life/for my life. I let words I heard as a child cause me to be anxious and scared of things I want. I push those I care and love away because I am scared those words I heard growing up are true and that all I do is cause pain for those around me. As well as the fact that it makes me doubt they even care about me at all. 

Since my neice turned 5 all I have wanted is someone who loves me unconditionally, and I them, a family of my own and to be happy and know that no matter what happens in life I have them. 5 years on and sadly I lost someone who might have loved me, (i know they said they cared atleast), made a mess of anything and everything to do with that person and destroyed myself in the process too. What bites even more is I know what I feel towards them just doesn't go away. Time doesn't heal that feeling you have, that you are missing a part of you... Some nights I wake up in tears because it hurts and there is nothing I can do about it. How do you get over losing a big part of yourself by your own doing? I hate that I truly know how I feel and yet there is nothing I can do about it now because its too late... Too late to act on it, too late to tell that person, too late for me to have what i wanted in life. 

How can people say Time heals all wounds when it's been just about a year since yet again I said nothing and stood back and lost the one I know I love yet couldnt admit it.... Its also just about 2 years since I lost Andrea and god at times like this I wish she was still here because at least I could talk to her and she understood me. She didnt think i was stupid for being scared or anxious or for not being able to talk about things. Time doesnt heal these wounds, it just reminds me every day that I am very much alone in many aspects. It reminds me that the only things i have in my life is the business and my cat :( and as much as i love both its not the life I always wanted. Yes the cat loves me but its not a relationship or marriage or family. Yes the business has given me a biz family but thats not the same either... 

I have had people tell me lately that I should just say what I want and how I feel to someones face, yet I can't because I respect the fact that 1 they are in a relationship, 2 I respect their girlfriend enough as a woman to not cause trouble and to stay clear of them and 3, to me its just wrong to say because obviously if they had wanted or cared about me they wouldnt have jumped into everything with the person they are with now. Maybe thats a screwed way of seeing things *shrug* but its how i see them and I guess because of the last few months and how things have just become more and more distant, not that it was my choice. That I am feeling like I never mattered to them, that I was just a place holder the past few years and none of it was true. They just didnt want to be alone, and yet i fell in love with them and now cant change how I feel or ignore it because its painful... Or maybe I am just broken? 

I miss being able to come home and talk to that person and know that I am safe and cared for. I miss the hugs when I have had an extremely horrible day and the way he used to sing to me out of tune and off key to make me smile or the way he would surprise text me when I least expected it... I miss sunday night dinners out and walking at night back to the apartment. I miss the random sweet gestures and most of all i miss him winding me up just to then give me that cheeky grin and the look in his eyes :( I had the world and yet i lost it thru being scared and anxious and feeling like I didnt deserve it and that they were better off without me... now I probably will never know....

"The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved..."

This weekend has been one that has hit me with memories fast and plenty. Yet I kept myself from crying until tonight... A song triggered me to cry as it summed up everything from this weekend, All that I miss, All that I have lost and All I wish I could have back... I used to doubt the truth when people used to say "You don't know what you've got till its gone", But its true. You really don't and then when its gone you miss it like crazy and just want for it all to be back. 

I try not to beat myself up most days about whats happened yet this weekend has been one that has really been just a bit too much for me I think. I really do miss my life the way it was, with those that mean so much to me in it. Yet I have to be ok with the fact they are no longer in it, that I hurt them too much that they wont forgive me and that they aren't coming back. I wish I didn't feel like a piece of me is missing, yet i wake up every morning and that feeling is still there hitting me where it hurts and stays all day. Not once leaving my side, most nights I have to force myself to get some sleep yet i wake up in the middle of the night in tears because of the fact there's a piece of me missing. I don't remember the last time I slept thru the night since moving house because not once since all this happened have I managed to have a normal nights sleep. 

Yesterday was hard as it was day that didn't go to well and I felt really disheartened and like a failure coming home. When that used to happen he was there, he would always make things ok with a hug and a smile and remind me I am safe, I was loved and cared for and that its ok for things not to go as we want them sometimes Biz wise and life wise... Yet instead i felt like a failure and like i just keep making a mess of things with everything. Its hard to believe in yourself when no-one else does and your support person/your rock no longer exists. It reminds you that you are truly alone in this world. The good thing was as horrid as I was feeling I didn't give up and I didn't cry as much as I wanted to cry and be angry at the world for my life being as it is, i didn't. 

I just wish "He" was here for a hug and to know everything will be ok, that we'll survive like we always have and things will get better. Yet I know wishes don't come true and that things aren't going to be ok, if ever with some things. I know business wise I will keep sticking it out and keep going because I am determined to prove the naysayers wrong and keep doing what I love and hit my goals...
But as for my personal life is there anything to keep fighting for now after 3 months of this carry on with "him"? I don't want to give up that lil sliver of hope but considering it felt like he wanted to run me over twice last week I'm not sure there is any hope any more... 

I miss my bestfriend, my rock, my everything. I want to share the things that happen and yet I know I cant... because its like I don't exist to them anymore and I have to learn to just be ok with that even though it hurts every single day. He gave me the world and i pretty much destroyed it and everything along with it to the point that he now seems to be happier if i just disappeared. 4 years and I lost everything I ever wanted and didn't even tell him because I was too scared  and because I didn't really like myself that much and believed my mothers words to be true :( and I cant undo that because he wont even forgive me...  all i can do is remember the last time I felt safe and felt like I was home and know that I was at least loved once. 

Life flashes before ones eyes...

It's funny, I saw someone's post on Instagram and it said "when your life flashes before your eyes, will it be worth watching?" It reminded me of when I went in for spinal surgery. As the medication started working to knock me out and seeing bits of life and my dreams and what I love... Now seeing that quote today it makes me realise I've lost so much this year and sadly I have to learn to be ok with that and just be.

I get that my life as it stands is not what I want to watch if it flashes before my eyes but I can say and be ok with the fact I know I was loved once. That I can say I have been in love once too and I screwed it up but at least I have known love. Love is what keeps you going, keeps the smile on your face and stops you from giving up on everything. Love doesn't always happen so when it finds you, you should hold on tight and enjoy it while it lasts. Don't push it away, but don't force it either. It is to be cherished, honoured and enjoyed so don't ever take it for granted like I did...

Because life is a lot more painful when it's gone, memories can haunt your dreams. They can affect you when you least expect it, those times when you feel everything is ok and then it hits you... Hits you hard. Yet you just have to keep slapping on a happy face and get thru it because you can't let anyone know it's destroying you... Because people always leave even if it's your fault they leave..