Life flashes before ones eyes...

It's funny, I saw someone's post on Instagram and it said "when your life flashes before your eyes, will it be worth watching?" It reminded me of when I went in for spinal surgery. As the medication started working to knock me out and seeing bits of life and my dreams and what I love... Now seeing that quote today it makes me realise I've lost so much this year and sadly I have to learn to be ok with that and just be.

I get that my life as it stands is not what I want to watch if it flashes before my eyes but I can say and be ok with the fact I know I was loved once. That I can say I have been in love once too and I screwed it up but at least I have known love. Love is what keeps you going, keeps the smile on your face and stops you from giving up on everything. Love doesn't always happen so when it finds you, you should hold on tight and enjoy it while it lasts. Don't push it away, but don't force it either. It is to be cherished, honoured and enjoyed so don't ever take it for granted like I did...

Because life is a lot more painful when it's gone, memories can haunt your dreams. They can affect you when you least expect it, those times when you feel everything is ok and then it hits you... Hits you hard. Yet you just have to keep slapping on a happy face and get thru it because you can't let anyone know it's destroying you... Because people always leave even if it's your fault they leave..

Realisations, Wishes & just remembering to Breathe. . .

Lately when I think about all that's happened the past few months it makes me wonder how things got so screwed up. How did I manage to make so many things worse than what they should be? 


Realised the past few days I haven't let someone know how much I actually appreciate them appreciate the things they do for me, the fact they are always there for me and support me etc. I've kinda let them down in that department and taken them for granted in some ways. The crap thing is now that I see my mistakes I can't get a second chance to fix these. I want to apologise for them but I can't even do that because that person hasn't even read my apology from 4weeks ago. When I apologised for things that caused the rift and for us now to pretty much be strangers to each other. 

A lot of it is due to my anxiety to which I have been learning to get better at handling. Learning to deal with so much the past few months which I know is a good thing. Although it's a lot harder when the one person you want to be there when you just need 1 person, 1 person to support you, to be there when you just need a hug or a smile or to make you laugh. It's funny that person had been wanting me to deal with things for so long, the better part of four years and it's taken losing them to do so... 

I've pushed them away so far that I'm not sure they'll ever come back. What hurts more is the fact I finally get that it's ok to want things and that I'm allowed to get what I want too and be happy instead of what I was always told growing up by the parent. That I didn't deserve to be happy, that no-one would care and love me and I deserved to be alone because she blamed me for all her unhappiness and misery. She blamed me for her poor choices and even blamed me for what happened to me as a child when it wasn't my fault. She didn't put me first and I guess that's why I've punished myself for so long, made sure others were happy and getting what they wanted and believed her words. Why I pushed those I loved & cared for away and now can't change the fact I lost someone I love. Someone I ran from because I didn't want to admit to myself, let alone them that I loved them. That after four years I do love them and that what's happened makes it so much worse as now I have lost my chance, lost them and everything. I can't ignore what I feel or try to bury it because it hits me when I least expect it. 

I know I can't run away again like i did last time, even though I wish I could but I know I have to face things. Face my life and the consequences of my actions and in-actions with these situations. I wish I could though so maybe this would be a little easier, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. I know I have be happy knowing at least I'm alive and can feel things and that, that person is happy in their life with their decisions. I have to believe that they are better off and happier without me around and just be ok. 

Take one step at a time and just breathe even if it's the only thing I do today :) 

one of those days.....

Yesterday was probably one of the worst birthdays since I was a little kid. I can say that though because I survived it and all its crumminess. There was a few good points and I am still totally thankful I'm alive and can just do things. I keep finding the silver linings which as we all know is the right thing to do, but boy is it hard sometimes. 

Throughout the day there was moments where I found myself in tears because my life as I knew it is gone. My world/life has changed so dramatically the past 2 years and I could've changed some of it and didn't. Hence the tears, because on days like yesterday it hits me that I had so much and i lost it. Lost it because of my insecurities and fears let alone the fact for so long I never believed I deserved things in my life. mostly due to what i was told growing up and being told for most of my life. Now I know I do deserve the good things in my life yet I possibly have stuffed some of that up and I'm not sure I can fix it now. 

Yesterday all I wanted was a hug from the one person who can make me smile at the drop of a hat, make me laugh and feel like nothing is ever as wrong as it seems... He's the one whose made me realise as much as I do things for other people that I deserve to put me first and its ok to be happy too... Yet he is part of what makes me smile and makes me happy as he helps me be the person I want to be. In four years its the second birthday where he has not said a word to me, no contact at all and it hurts so much. I thought writing and giving him my apology letter 3 weeks ago would have meant that at least by this week we would at least have talked about it and be back to trying to at least be civil to each other. 

Instead it is like I don't exist, I am just another face in the crowd if that... I kinda feel like I did last year where it seemed like he would be happier if i was dead and buried... Im not sure if its actually what or how he wants things but its how it feels... 

Whatever happened to the one who told me to not give up on them? that our friendship etc was worth sticking by and that whatever happened they werent walking away again? He knows my biggest fear is losing him from my life for good and him walking away.... Yet thats exactly what he has done and it hurts like f**k...  I miss my bestfriend, my rock, the one person who pushes me to be the best i can be and i actually like the person i was becoming with him around...

I guess though just like before I have learned to keep going, smile through the pain and act like everything is ok because that is what people expect. I know I also have to focus on the business and look after me. Although the look after me thing is a work in progress, I am enjoying going to the gym 6 times a week and just enjoying what im doing there without worrying about the results.
Ive also been giving myself me time early in the morning on the days I do Aqua instead of the gym by still going early and just reading weither it be a book for the biz or something i just want to read. As well as writing to my penpal in the Oh so happy mail project by FMS.  So I am still doing things for me just things that dont cost and dont cause dramas because I really do not need any drama llamas :)

So as much as I had a crap birthday, do not want to acknowledge my life seems to be no where near what I want or thought for this age... At least I am alive, I can walk and I am mostly happy. 

Just keep Swimming...

These past two weeks I have tried to just keep myself busy. Focusing on gym/swimming training and the business. Trying not to think or think to much,because thinking will led to me getting upset and hurt and angry all over again. The biz is doing ok although my bookings dropped which is making it harder for my goal this month so I have to make new plans this week 🙂 The gym is good though 6kgs gone in 6wks 🙂 Although not sure if that's related to the stress of the last 2 months and losing my bestfriend.... 


The thing is I know it's not all my fault, I know that it took two of us to create the disaster that it is. Not even sure what to call it anymore because I'm not sure it was even a proper friendship let alone anything else looking back. Why? Because in a friendship you support each other, care and give time, attention and many other things too. Which to me a lot of the time these little things were lacking here. Sometimes I felt completely alone even when they said they were here and were listening, you could tell their mind was elsewhere and even tho physically present they weren't invested. It's hard too because even though it wasn't perfect and things could've been a hell of a lot better I miss that, I miss them and yet I'm now powerless to fix any of it. 

How? 
Because I apologised for my part in everything falling apart, I apologised for myself and my thoughts and actions or inactions as they may be. I apologised and asked for forgiveness and have been ignored. The ball as people say was left in the other persons court and looks like completely ignored. To be honest I'm not even sure they read my apology letter since they wouldn't give me time to actually give my apology like I wanted to, heck id finally got the courage to do so and ended up having to write it... It hurts that this person said they wouldn't leave after last time and yet they have, knowing that it's part of what has caused the issues, anxiety and things last time. They've left me and taken a piece of me with then I'll never get back. They knew I've always said and felt that everyone leaves and tried to tell me it's not true yet they've left twice now, how can I not see and believe people always leave when they've done it? 

Some days I wish I could feel nothing, just feel numb no emotion nothing as maybe it would make it easier? Somedays are hard especially when that person connected to them gives me a smug look that makes me feel like dog poop. I hate that this person can ignore everything that's happened and act like I never existed. That he can just ignore the fact he has my things and not return them. That we went through so much in four years yet he acts like I'm dead and never existed. 

I miss my bestfriend, the person who become my bestfriend without trying. The one who accepted me for me and helped me become a better person, a person I actually was starting to like. A person who was slowly overcoming her fears as she had someone she trusted with her whole being and knew wouldn't judge or leave. The person who was helping her become who she wanted to be and not hate herself or be who she was told she was since day dot. Now I'm just the person I was told I am, the one who ruins everything she touches and the likes. Because as much as I try to be nice, caring, loyal, happy, confident and not anxious it doesn't happen I keep falling on my face lately and making things worse... Yet I have to smile and pretend everything is ok for the outside world to see bcos I'm the person who makes sure everyone else is ok and happy no matter what.

I don't want to have my birthday this week because it truly will be just another day and another reminder that the one person hates me, won't forgive me and I'm everything my mother said I am growing up 😞 if I could just have one wish for my birthday it would be to have my friend back and a hug but I know it's not possible when he acts like I don't exist 😔

So I just have to keep swimming and trying I guess even though it hurts like hell being me.