Expectations. . .

The past day or so a couple of us have been discussing the reasons we get frustrated or annoyed with other people's actions, as well as how these actions could/can affect us. I found this quite interesting as I know I am someone who will always keep a secret even when I no longer see the person involved, I trust/believe people keep promises and are honest. During this lengthy discussion I mentioned this and we discussed that expectations are the problem. 

 Why? Because we have expectations of ourselves but we also have expectations of our family/friends/partners etc. These expectations end up being the problem because as P put she used to expect her ex-husband to be a decent reliable dad. These expectations were too high according to her and that she's discovered all she  an really expect is for him to at least try be a human being who listens. We all discussed how we saw things, and I discovered I really do expect to much. 

Looking back the past 5-6 years, I expected FS to be honest and treat me well, I expected "stalker" to leave me the hell alone when I moved out and then kept slamming the door in his face and saying it was over, & I expected "him" to keep his promise he made that he'd always be there even if someone was on the scene and he wouldn't walk away from our friendship etc.... In the end all these expectations and more just end up hurting us. We end up with unrealistic expectations that people are honest and keep their word, that they will always be around etc.

Yet if we don't have expectations then we can't be hurt or disappointed by people or their actions. I have believed for the past 19 mnths that people can only hurt you if you let them and more and more I believe that to be true. Just like they can also only hurt/disappoint us If we let them by having unrealistic expectations of that person. So I'm now very muchly so going to try not have expectations of people and see if that makes life even more positive and better. 

Life's little lessons over coffee...

This morning was a rather interesting one while sitting having a coffee with close family friends. It ended up being a debate about how things can get misconstrued, taken out of context and how men and women think completely differently on so many different topics. 

The main topic was how texts can be taken out of context and misconstrued, people can think you are being bitchy, upset, snarky and even trying to guilt trip all because they cant see the persons facial expressions or gauge ones mood when the recipient reads the message.  Then we discussed how females see their messages compared to how males would perceive the females messages. I sat and was amused by how differently the sexes perceive and see things.  Then realised maybe "he" was right the past couple of years with how I write messages may come across. Maybe I do come across as passive-aggressive even though I am not meaning to.  Its amazing how a few other peoples perspectives on something so simple can make you realise that someone else could have been right when they accused you of it :o)

The debate over how men & women perceive things was rather intriguing as I can now understand why so many misconceptions on things can happen depending on whose perception is. How there is always 3 sides to every story just like the quote "There are always three sides to the story: Yours, Theirs & the Truth". Which is why misconceptions happen and people will always believe their own ideas or thoughts on things, and why even if you send an email/txt or letter and you don't mean to sound a certain way the receiver may still see it this way and even though you know the truth of what you were meaning there is still different sides to it. Just like men & women always perceive things differently because women are more likely to see things on an emotional level whereas men will see it from a different level all together. 

Life definitely makes me giggle when you realise you have possibly been doing things without realising you have been all due to a simple conversation over coffee... Today's coffee made me realise someone could quite possibly been more right then I first thought on how some things I say and do come across... Another lesson I have now learnt albeit a good one to learn too. 

"I've got scars you won't believe, Wear them proudly on my sleeve..."

Today I realised just how strong I am and understand a lot more why SS, KF, & my big sister and even P say that I am a better person than most because of how I handle things and do not react the way most people would even after all I have been through especially the past 2 and  bit years. You don't realise how much you can handle or cope with until it all comes to a point and find you are still willing to keep fighting and believing even though everyone else thinks you are making a big mistake.

 The past year I have been able to learn a lot about myself and how I react to situations and why, especially the last 5 or so months when I left Wellington. I have also learnt that you can’t run away or erase things in life but you can make a decision on how you let situations affect you and your life. You can either let it hurt and destroy you or you can use it to remind you how far you have come and why you keep fighting, as well as to remind you of how you don't want your life to be.  I seem to choose the latter, to help keep myself moving forward and fighting and to look at the positives in life because otherwise crap just pulls you down. 

Today has been a shocker of a day and yet I am smiling and ok because I understand and know the reasons why things happen and due to everything I have been through in my just about 32 years of life I guess I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for in more ways than one. I think the fact I made someone probably fall off their chair when I said I forgive them and shocked them just proves how far I have come the past 7 years let alone my whole life. But like I told them, Life is too short! 

Yes I have gone through a hell of a lot the past 32 years but I am proud of the person I have become. I may have scars and some horrible memories but I have become someone who can be there for others no matter the situation, I can smile even though I have been hurt and I am happy within myself and know that when life throws me lemons I can keep on going! I may have a lil baggage but I have also dealt with a shitload more in the past couple of years then some realise. Scars or no scars I am happy no matter what and can I smile and be happy on my own doing my own thing.

Hooray! The holiday is over....

The kids and P are back and have had loads of stories to tell me. Miss 7 made my day rushing up for snuggles and to tell me she missed me. I am just glad that my decision to come down here has meant that even though I have been dealing with my own personal stuff/demons I have been able to help so they could go on the once in a life time trip to OZ.

I can see its something Miss 7 will be talking about for some time :)

Miss 7 in her new unicorn onesies, cheshire cat beanie & didgeridoo she got in oz.

Where has the time gone?

It's been 4 months since I left Wellington for so many reasons, and just over a month till I head back there Yet I am still completely uncertain if  I am making the right decision to do so. Heck apart from things in storage there and some friends what is really holding me there? 

I know I have called Wellington home for the past 6 years as I feel it is and where I belong but now I am uncertain that I am making the right decision in going back. I left it for so many reasons in February, firstly because P needed help with Miss 7 & Master 12 so they could afford the holiday in Oz, secondly because I thought it was the best way for me to move forward and erase the past 2 years and get over everything I have been through and thirdly because I believed it would give me focus for my studies and a break from my life. So far only 2 out of 3 achieved. 

The problem with erasing the past is it doesn't tend to disappear so easily, in fact it pops back to hurt you at the most inconvenient of times in some ways. Something so little like a smell or a movie can bring memories flooding back and all that effort you have put in to forgetting is wasted. People always tell you that time heals, yet why when memories bring things back does the pain feel so raw and fresh as the day it happened? 

I really am not sure I am ready to go back home to Wellington when the past still hurts. How does one move forward from it all? I know I can't stay down here though as it just makes everything worse, too much time to think and I can honestly say as much as I love spending time with P & the kids some days it does get to be a bit too much. It reminds me of things I will never have in my life which in some ways pushes me to go back to Welly.  P also needs to find a new house and move her and the kids in 2mnths time due to the house selling and I don't want to be in the way with that. 

Someone told me recently I should stop running away from what I am scared of, yet whats the point when things still stay the same? facing up to something doesn't necessarily change the outcome. Its also even harder when you have no idea who or what to trust or believe.. Doesn't help when I get told I generally make crap decisions so now I have no idea whether I am making the right decision to go back to Wellington. I just have no idea what I should do anymore because I guess as much as Time has kept on ticking and flying past me I have no idea what I want from life any more or what/who I want in it either. 

I do know the past few months I have been my happy cheeky self which I seem to have lost before coming down here which has been great.  

I guess Time will tell what decisions I should make.....

Battered & Bruised but still giggling. ..

So Tuesday I had a minor procedure on my arm but due to slight complications I am now looking worse for wear. My arm is swollen,  the bruising is rather black and making arm tender and moving certain ways causes some pain, but I have been having fits of giggles since.

While having the procedure my 23mnth old nephew was being totally cute every time I said ouch he'd repeat it and when I was about to cry it get you ok? Lol. For 23mnths old he picks up everything but also knows when people aren't ok. His mum and I were rather impressed.

We go to get in car afterwards and he was not impressed aunty couldn't put him in his seat so there started my giggle fits. Which frustrated the poor Lil dude more because aunty seemed to be laughing at him.

Since Tuesday it's like I get the giggles at totally inappropriate times including having to stifle them when I got a call back from job application I did...

I've come to the conclusion I get the giggles when I am in pain emotionally or physically which I guess fits with both the physical pain from my arm and emotional stuff of the last few weeks too.

Now to hope the giggles go away soon...

To trust or not to trust?

I've been struggling with this post for a couple of weeks now, since someone I valued as a good friend kinda came back into my life. Trying to figure out in my head how important trust is and how much trust can cause problems with friendships.

I know a number of years ago I trusted people so willingly and thought that people would never betray others trust in them. It was a huge lesson to learn that people could not only betray your trust but hurt you in the process. I lost 2 close friends and someone I cared for a lot. It helped me decide that I preferred not to let many people in which is why I had my lil bubble as my sister called it.  It did teach me though that you never know what happens when your back is turned, as well as learning how hard it is to trust people after that kind of betrayal happens. I did however move on from that after a spell away to see family. I became someone who didn't let people in so easily and who couldn't trust anyone or even my own instincts/gut feelings. It became to the point where I second guessed everything for quite some time.

My big sister in the end was the one that reminded me just about 4 yrs ago now that I had to start trusting myself and my gut feelings etc, because they are generally correct. It took a lot for me to start doing this, in fact somedays I still struggle.  But i am grateful she got me to listen although sometimes I still don't fully.

The past two years I sadly lost trust in many things including myself due to the situation I was in. There was so many things going on at once, I was being harassed,  I felt like I was being used as a "gap filler emotionally" and many other things that all made me lose Trust in myself and everyone in my life. 

I became this person who second guessed everything and I guess I still do these days, as I don't believe my gut feelings to be right. I also struggle to trust anyone after what happened a year ago when I was told someone close to me had said stuff about me to so-called other friends. I was told by someone I classed as a friend, turned out I didn't know who to believe and even now it hurts at times when I am reminded of it.

The past two weeks I have been thinking a lot about trust and if 1 can truly trust someone again when they have hurt you and knocked your beliefs in them, yourself and people in general.  How do you trust someone who walked out of your life and hurt you then comes back into your life?

Do you trust them straight away or make them earn it back? Does the pain go away or will you always have it as a constant reminder of the past?

Do I throw caution to the wind as some would say and trust them even if it means getting hurt again and possibly hurt worse than previous? 

Trust is a tricky thing and something I'm really struggling with the past two weeks especially and the answers are not forthcoming either sadly. 


but I did see this which made me giggle!