Why are the hardest decisions always the ones that play on your mind. The ones that make you question if you have done the right thing. It's something I've struggled with for quite sometime, although I got better with it till the last 12mnths. I'm not sure why but since my decision to leave Auckland all big decisions in some aspects seem to cause this.
Doesn't help I'm feeling completely alone these days because the 3 people I talk to about the good & bad times and mull over the hard decisions with seem to just not be there anymore. I know in my sisters case she works crazy hours and the time difference between here and the UK is a pain.
My bestie in the states has had a lot going on and I know she gets in touch when she can. I guess the big problem is the one person I really want to talk to wont, because for some reason they wish I didn't exist at all. They even admitted our friendships fallen apart... since they said that the other day I've been between a rock and a hard place.
What am I supposed to do? Sit and wait till they decide our friendship is worth saving? Pretend like it never existed in the first place? How do you leave/walk away from something/someone who meant so much...who was your friend, someone who got you to really live your life and be happy?
It's what I've been struggling with for two weeks now. Making a decision to carry on with my life without them, no contact nothing. To try pretend it never existed and just keep moving forward because they've made it clear you don't matter to them...
Funny thing is in someways my life has gone backwards, im back where I was 2.5yrs ago. With the same people and kinda doing the same thing. I'm not living just surviving, a shell of what I was after moving forward last time P sent me off to welly last time.
I put on my happy face every day because thats whats expected of me, I get the kids sorted, study, go for a walk & rinse and repeat everyday. I find something positive each day to enjoy while still feeling like a piece of me is missing.... maybe with time that feeling will disappear who knows... but I have to just focus on work & study bcos at least it gets me thru each day and the determination I have to prove him and my mother that I did it... finishing the degree.... I look forward to shoving it in their face... I may not be perfect in either of their eyes or who they want me to be but at least I'll have proved to them I did it. Not that my mother really factors into my life these days... and as for him.... well he said we have no friendship so I guess thats that....
Decision was technically made for me whether I liked it or not.... I guess all I can do is what I've always done wish the best for them and hope they are happy and enjoy life and grateful for the lil things he taught me the past few yrs...
No comments:
Post a Comment