I wish I lived closer so I could help or do something but I am feeling completely useless here in New Zealand while she is miles away... I know emails and texts are great but I just wish there was more I could do... Today has really reminded me how short life is and I am glad I am not one for holding grudges, I know people STUFF UP and thats ok, things can always be fixed.... As long as one doesn't run from their mistakes anything and I mean anything can be fixed, forgiven and forgotten... especially if you care and love.
Whats worse is normally I would talk to "him" about stuff or have one of his hugs that would make everything better, yet its been 8mnths since i really saw him and had a proper conversation. I have had to stop myself from texting him several times today because my final words to him was that I was leaving communication up to him... It's been 8 days today and I feel just like I did last January when we weren't allowed to communicate and then again last February when he chose to walk away... I felt this pain like something was missing, and like some rubberband that had been stretched and yet not released. Its the exact same pain I feel now, but whats worse its like theres a part of me missing, but its a part I never knew really existed... Its hard to explain and I have no idea why I am trying to.... But I am writing because its the only way I know to try deal with everything, As my Sister says it helps clear my head and lets people know if I am ok or not and whats going on in my head, so hence I am writing.....
This past week has made me realise no matter what I do life will never be the same, yet I have to find that way of life I had before everything happened. Where I was ok with being on my own in every sense of the word, overcoming the fact that I wont get my dreams again. That some things are not meant to be even if you did catch a glimpse of what could have been, its all been taken away like it never happened in the first place. So I need to find that safe haven/bubble I had and just be ok. Do my own thing as I used to, focus on Study, work, eat, sleep, gym etc, because if I don't I wont have a sense of normality if thats the word for it?
First step has been taken by stepping back from a few things and focusing on me while I am down south with P & The kids. I am slowly doing things I enjoy but to be honest as much as I enjoy them I find its not the same as it once was, no matter how much i do etc.... I also have set a date to achieve a goal I should have achieved years ago.. - All will be revealed in 8wks.
I have also started working on a plan and set a date for when I head home, with part of my ticket already sorted. By then I will be ready to find a new house and the challenges that will bring.... Gotta love those Challenges! Challenges seem to be the word of the past few weeks, challenges with bringing my life back to what I want and the challenge to remind myself that I made the right decisions the past few years and that I am ok. Heck I even decided that if I am changing my life, maybe I should change my phone number too, so thats happening in a couple of weeks.
The other good thing I have found since being away is I am a lot more focused with getting my study done. Its like because its Correspondence I am trying to prove myself more etc. So far I am doing really well so hopefully the next few months will be the same with it.
Life is to be lived and I guess today has reminded me that I am alive and living my life, I may be in my own bubble but at least I am safe...
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