✵✵ New 6 month Goal in the making.... ✵✵

So I felt I needed some added motivation and an extra goal for the next 6 months, because who doesn't like giving themselves harder challenges in life! Heck if its one thing I have learnt the past 2 years is I can accept any challenge and hit my goals! 

So I have decided to enter the Skechers6k which is on November 14th in Auckland! 

It will mean a slightly bigger difference to my running and gym work outs, but also gives me an exciting challenge as I have never done anything like it before. I actually am looking forward to it as it will be a great way to see how far I have come this past year. As well as a reason to head to Auckland and  catch up with a good shopping friend of mine for a girls day out. Not that she knows it yet lol, but i need to catch up with her anyway to plan our trip to the fact duck in Oz next year. 

I guess this goal also gives me something to look forward to and focus on as well as reminding me that I love my life, because although it may not  be perfect I enjoy it and am quite happy on my own, and I can do things whenever I want and not inconvenience anyone. 

The main reason I started back at the gym and getting into running again was because I needed to be able to find some Solace due to the situation in my life which started in 2012. So starting at the gym Jan 2013 has helped a lot with that. I have solace and happiness when I put on my trainers and go for a run or jump on the treadmill. Its like nothing exists but me and the music on my iPod. Everything in my life can be falling apart  but i can keep going because i find my happy place running. So I guess a part of me wants to do it because it means facing my fears going to Auckland to do this but also because I can find solace and be happy and remind myself I have come a long way and can achieve my goals! 

Now to put a lil more effort into training even though its absolutely freezing in the deep south! 

Life is short....

Today I woke to news that reminded me that Life is indeed short and very unexpected. I'm feeling sad and useless because my bestie lost her dad sadly, and I am miles away on the other side of the world from her. I want to help and be there and I can't. Her dad was her Hero and I used to love hearing things about him from her as it used to make me think what My Dad would have been like. Sadly he was taken from this life when I was 7, not that I have any memories of him prior to that. So hearing about my besties dad used to remind me that fathers are amazing and that Mine would have been the complete opposite to what my mother is. 

I wish I lived closer so I could help or do something but I am feeling completely useless here in New Zealand while she is miles away... I know emails and texts are great but I just wish there was more I could do... Today has really reminded me how short life is and I am glad I am not one for holding grudges, I know people STUFF UP and thats ok, things can always be fixed.... As long as one doesn't run from their mistakes anything and I mean anything can be fixed, forgiven and forgotten... especially if you care and love.    

Whats worse is normally I would talk to "him" about stuff or have one of his hugs that would make everything better, yet its been 8mnths since i really saw him and had a proper conversation. I have had to stop myself from texting him several times today because my final words to him was that I was leaving communication up to him... It's been 8 days today and I feel just like I did last January when we weren't allowed to communicate and then again last February when he chose to walk away... I felt this pain like something was missing, and like some rubberband that had been stretched and yet not released. Its the exact same pain I feel now, but whats worse its like theres a part of me missing, but its a part I never knew really existed... Its hard to explain and I have no idea why I am trying to.... But I am writing because its the only way I know to try deal with everything, As my Sister says it helps clear my head and lets people know if I am ok or not and whats going on in my head, so hence I am writing..... 

This past week has made me realise no matter what I do life will never be the same, yet I have to find that way of life I had before everything happened. Where I was ok with being on my own in every sense of the word, overcoming the fact that I wont get my dreams again. That some things are not meant to be even if you did catch a glimpse of what could have been, its all been taken away like it never happened in the first place. So I need to find that safe haven/bubble I had and just be ok. Do my own thing as I used to, focus on Study, work, eat, sleep, gym etc, because if I don't I wont have a sense of normality if thats the word for it?

First step has been taken by stepping back from a few things and focusing on me while I am down south with P & The kids. I am slowly doing things I enjoy but to be honest as much as I enjoy them I find its not the same as it once was, no matter how much i do etc.... I also have set a date to achieve a goal I should have achieved years ago.. - All will be revealed in 8wks.

I have also started working on a plan and set a date for when I head home, with part of my ticket already sorted. By then I will be ready to find a new house and the challenges that will bring.... Gotta love those Challenges! Challenges seem to be the word of the past few weeks, challenges with bringing my life back to what I want and the challenge to remind myself that I made the right decisions the past few years and that I am ok. Heck I even decided that if I am changing my life, maybe I should change my phone number too, so thats happening in a couple of weeks. 

The other good thing I have found since being away is I am a lot more focused with getting my study done. Its like because its Correspondence I am trying to prove myself more etc. So far I am doing really well so hopefully the next  few months will be the same with it. 

Life is to be lived and  I guess today has reminded me that I am alive and living my life, I may be in my own bubble but at least I am safe...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. ..

As the saying & the song by Kelly Clarkson goes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That's definitely the thing running through my head this week with the changes I've implemented in my life...

I sat and removed people from my social media accounts this past week who I haven't had anything to do with in weeks/months. Ones who decided to be drama queens and think they know better and run my life for me, one's that cause drama and suck others into it and people who only message when they want something or try use you for information.  I realised if I was to keep moving forward after making a decision that I don't need that crap in my life then I needed to remove the negatives or negativity that these people create too.

 I have to say I feel much happier & like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Life is A LOT simpler without that extra baggage and to be honest I find myself enjoying the company of true friends more and am more grateful for them. It hasn't killed me letting go in fact I feel better for it...

I also removed myself from a situation that's been hurting me for awhile.  As much as I care and believe in someone I also believe that people cant help others unless they help themselves.  So this led me to writing a letter and letting someone know that I need to stand back and let them decide whether they help  themselves or not. That I care but I need to step back and enjoy my life as it stands no matter how much I love them. I will always care etc as I am that kind of person and don't give up on people I care about and am forever loyal, I just knew I had to step back as I was just getting hurt more than it was worth. 

I've told the person I will always be here when they are ready to come talk and move forward but that I have left communication or lack thereof up to them :) I believe it to be the best and only way...

I know people all have different ideas on these kinds of things and think  its wrong to step back from situations you are invested deeply in and that you shouldn't walk away from people you call friends etc but I have also learnt over the years that not all friends are true friends and that I don't always want to be involved in other peoples dramas whether as a sounding board or whatever. I care about all my friends but sometimes as the saying goes, some friends come for a season and don't say and I guess I am learning that as I have learnt things from these people and then they have disappeared in some ways. But we live and we learn.... 

So even though these decisions have hurt a little It hasn't killed me and I am sure I will come out Stronger for it.... and maybe some of my friendships will too..... 

Between a rock & a hard place

Why are the hardest decisions always the ones that play on your mind. The ones that make you question if you have done the right thing. It's something I've struggled with for quite sometime, although I got better with it till the last 12mnths. I'm not sure why but since my decision to leave Auckland all big decisions in some aspects seem to cause this.

Doesn't help I'm feeling completely alone these days because the 3 people I talk to about the good & bad times and mull over the hard decisions with seem to just not be there anymore.   I know in my sisters case she works crazy hours and the time difference between here and the UK is a pain. 

My bestie in the states has had a lot going on and I know she gets in touch when she can. I guess the big problem is the one person I really want to talk to wont, because for some reason they wish I didn't exist at all. They even admitted our friendships fallen apart... since they said that the other day I've been between a rock and a hard place. 

What am I supposed to do? Sit and wait till they decide our friendship is worth saving? Pretend like it never existed in the first place? How do you leave/walk away from something/someone who meant so much...who was your friend, someone who got you to really live your life and be happy? 

It's what I've been struggling with for two weeks now. Making a decision to carry on with my life without them, no contact nothing. To try pretend it never existed and just keep moving forward because they've made it clear you don't matter to them... 

Funny thing is in someways my life has gone backwards,  im back where I was 2.5yrs ago.  With the same people and kinda doing the same thing. I'm not living just surviving,  a shell of what I was after moving forward last time P sent me off to welly last time.  

I put on my happy face every day because thats whats expected of me, I get the kids sorted, study, go for a walk & rinse and repeat everyday. I find something positive each day to enjoy while still feeling like a piece of me is missing.... maybe with time that feeling will disappear who knows... but I have to just focus on work & study bcos at least it gets me thru each day and the determination I have to prove him and my mother that I did it... finishing the degree.... I look forward to shoving it in their face... I may not be perfect in either of their eyes or who they want me to be but at least I'll have proved to them I did it. Not that my mother really factors into my life these days... and as for him.... well he said we have no friendship so I guess thats that.... 

Decision was technically made for me whether I liked it or not.... I guess all I can do is what I've always done wish the best for them and hope they are happy and enjoy life and grateful for the lil things he taught me the past few yrs... 

To speak one's mind or not?

I had to think quickly last night when put on the spot on whether I should say how I see a certain situation honestly or just say what the person wanted to hear (well what I assumed they wanted, which came across as wanting an ego boost).  I chose to be brave and say how I saw it from my point of view and how I felt, even though it hurt me a little bit to say it too, as I was scared it would cause a fight or worse. But I figured I didn't have anything to lose when it seemed the so-called friendship had already fallen apart and no longer existed anyways.... 

I was right me speaking my mind just caused me to be accused of being nasty and bitchy WTF!?! what is the point of speaking how one sees it if their views end up having someone say they are being a bitch... I even stated when I gave them my honest answer that I wasn't being anything other than honest.... 

Instead of being honest am I supposed to just sit be quiet and nod in agreement even if I don't agree?  I don't see the point in people pleasing anymore because people will either like you or they dont. Just like i dont see the point in drama and all that crap... I enjoy my life and how its drama free, I study, I work, come home and do my own thing and not have to worry about anything or anyone. It doesn't mean I don't care it just means I don't get involved in things I don't need to be involved in. I have the last few years to thank for that lol.

I guess being harassed taught me that I don't care what other people think, as I know I am not involved in things and they can assume all the like but I know my truths.  I guess when I left Auckland I made the conscious decision to stay out of dramas.... In doing so it may have removed others from my life but its also given me the confidence to speak my mind a little. I am not as scared as I was to say what I see or feel because Screw It if someone doesn't like it they can leave. I don't need the negativity, especially when I finally have my life heading in a direction I want. It may not be the direction I fully wanted, which yesterday meant when my niece asked me a tricky question I had to hold it together and try explain that Aunty Pix will probably never have a cousin for her to play with but that's ok.  

I guess the last few years has also made me a lil more cynical and more of the belief that some people just don't get what they want out of life. They don't get the happy endings they dreamed of, The children they dreamed of having, or the job they always hoped for.  That even if someone is married it doesn't mean they are happy. That doing the right thing can just hurt you and that life just keeps going and you have to chose to just keep fighting even if there is no reward or give up.... 

Life is a tricky thing, and I'm only learning now that even if speaking my mind hurts I need to be brave and just do it... The last few years have at least given me a lil confidence in some aspects.... Roll on the next few months till I make big change of new house, new suburb and new start since I have nothing more to lose, since everything has fallen apart or disappeared since I left Auckland and I'm ready for a new chapter of drama free life and I'm quite happy in the knowledge I'm alone and always will be because maybe that's just how things are supposed to be and I'm ok with that.  

100 Happy days - 9 & 10

Forgot to post these so I'll do a double entry....

Day 9 - Found these awesome cans of drink at a little dairy in town which made me giggle and the song from the simpsons about flaming moes stuck in my head. ALSO being an 80s born child I loved pac-man!

Day 10 - my gorgeous niece turned 7 and here she is with her furbling I got her. I still can't believe shes 7 already, I remember picking her up from preschool not long ago :-)

Day 9

Day 10

100 Happy days - day 8

Love this lil token "P" gave to me today. It's something I can hold and remind myself I have amazing friends & family and smile.

100 Happy days - day 7

Loving the fact it's autumn and the leaves are falling. Adds a bit more relaxation to my walk...

100 Happy days - day 6

Gorgeous flowers in the garden make me smile this monday 1st April.