What a difference 2 months make....

I had started writing this post in my mind for the better part of a week... Now its time to put it to type and say it all and the information given to me today is as perfect reason as any to do so...

For the better part of 2 months I have hardly had anything to do with *him. He let me down in August by not keeping his word when it came to my pets when I went away. He let me down by not catching up for coffee since my birthday. Hes let me down by making promises he never intended to keep when the house was sold. He promised to cook me dinner and have regular catch ups because the new girlfriend didnt care and liked me.... I am glad I did not hold my breath... why?

Because I have not seen him since my Birthday which was in july, I hardly heard from him in august as he would read and ignore so when I got back from Australia I decided to not message unless it was an emergency. I did however have to ask a political question on election day and then I hit ignore messages again. So for the past month if he has tried to message he has been going to the spam box on facebook. This is because I sent a very indepth email to his actual email account that week a few days before election day telling him I was not willing to let him treat me as he has been. He cant come and go as he feels, he cant hold things over me to hurt me etc. Funnily enough there was no response to that email.

He has however tried to message straight after i sent him back to spam in facebook asking for something but hasnt followed back up to get it... so goes to show it was more just to hurt me or to be spiteful instead. Something so typical for him as he has proclaimed many a time he does things out of spite in regards to me...

The past 4 weeks since elections I have finally been ok with *him not being in my life, alot more ok with it than any other time before WHY? because I see him for what he is.... The one who wont deal with his Bipolar disorder, infact he wont even tell his family. He wont deal with any of his issues but is so quick to be harsh and pinpoint other peoples issues. So quick to hurt others and think it does not affect them. I know I deserve better than that. This person used me to make themseleves feel better everytime their life wasnt what they wanted. There was even once they tried to throw themseleves off a balcony and I had to be there.. Thats something I cant forget. He repeats these patterns and after just about 6years I do not want to deal with that anymore.

I have goals and dreams and I deserve to achieve them without having to be that person there boosting someone elses ego. I deserve my happiness and to be happy without having someone tear me down saying I am not good enough. He used to tell me he wasnt like everyone else, he wasnt like my ex's and yet what hes done the past 6years is worse than any of my ex's have ever done, which says more about a persons character than i ever imagined. I think it comes down to the fact when people are not happy with themseleves they will destroy and tear down those they are close to or they care about or love. Unfortunately last year taught me to stand up for myself and not let someone do that to me anymore... It taught me that people like that are spineless when they let their Girlfriends dictate who they can and cant be friends with which is what he did last year. Let alone this year with the new one.

This past year I made decisions for me and what I want in my life and the fact is he may be my bestfriend but hes not the person he once was. He has no idea about me or what i want to achieve and enjoy etc. He lost that connection when he let someone else tell him what they did last year.

I believe as much as you can find your "soulmate" or whatever and can have the most amazing bonds and connections with someone sometimes you just need to let them go. I let him go once before way back in the beginning and I did it again this year because I want to enjoy being me. The me who is growing stronger every day, The me I was before the detour in life from surgery. You may find your one but sometimes that one isnt ready for you and thats ok. I know for me I am so much better and stronger on my own and thats ok :) I have never needed any one to complete me. I may love him but thats ok I love me more and believe in myself more!

Heres to many more years like this! :)


and to him....
I am sorry you do not like that I stand up for myself, that you could not deal with our friendship and how life could have been. I am sorry you do not know how to be a friend while in a relationship and that it was too hard for you. I owe you thanks for all you have taught me since we met, that without you i wouldnt be where I am today and for that I will always be grateful. I am sorry I wasnt the person you wanted me to be and that you feel I put too many expectations on you in your mind, All i ever wanted for you was to be yourself. I hope you find that piece of you and be the person I know and see you can be. May you have an amazing life. 
Sempre
M.

I will survive and carry on ...

Yesterday I think I finally accepted the fact I deserve better than to have someone I care about basically muck me around read and never reply to my messages. Pretend they are there and say things and yet when crunch comes to crunch never really be there. I got sick of having answers that made no sense and weren't really answers, they were more answers to keep me hanging on, to keep me believing and thinking they cared. I guess yesterday I finally cracked, I had enough and I spoke my mind and then put a stop to it. 

You see *He* has a habit of keeping me hanging on and saying what he thinks will keep me happy and believing but I realised since my birthday which will be a month ago tomorrow that the conversation was just that. He wasnt giving me answers instead he was always pointing the finger at me, blaming me and telling me I was accusing him of things, he was blaming me for the crap communication and things and yet I am the one who has been communicating clearly and efficiently since our talk on the phone before christmas and the visit where i gave him his gifts and was made a promise that he still has not fulfilled.  

All these broken promises and words after six years finally broke me, finally I have had enough. Why should I fight for something when *he* isnt? why keep believing when its obvious he gave up a long time ago and his decisions the past few years are proof of that? 

I may love *him* but it doesn't mean I have to be ok with being treated the way I have been especially since the start of 2017. A friend doesnt ditch you because of girlfriend or boyfriend for that matter at short notice, they dont lie to you about having gifts for you that never eventuate, they dont like about making time to spend with you. They keep their promises and they know when you need to talk and need support and they do it... Sadly he hasnt done that since he met this new chick, instead hes been more impulsive and reckless than i have ever known him to be... The issues he told me he had when we met, well the past six months more than ever before i have felt he needs the medication for them in order to realise what hes doing and how hes destroying himself let alone anyone else he cares about.  I have never seen him be so impulsive and reckless till now and it scares me, hes not the guy i know. He jumps when she says jump, she says no he cant do such and such and so he doesnt. :( normally he would still do his thing and yet not anymore.... 

Gone is the guy i used to know and i cant watch that anymore or be a part of it. It hurts too much. So I had to make the decision I have been dreading ever since that question on the couch in auckland where I told him if he asked the other one I would say good bye and that was it... Well with his lack of communication and the pain hes been causing I had to do that yesterday, he kept reading my messages and saying nothing and thats not friendship or anything else for that matter so I told him that I dont know this person anymore and that hes not the person I know him to be with his actions now and therefore until hes ready to talk to me like the person i know him to be that this was it. That when he was ready he would know how to contact me and good luck. Then I hit block messages, so now he cant message me at all unless he gets off his ass and unblocks my cellphone or turns up at the house. I can guarantee he wont turn up to the house as his girlfriend wont let him as he has to play happy families with her and her kids. 

It hurts like hell to have hit the block messages but i know its for the best because he wont learn what hes doing to hurt me otherwise :(  I still love him but I cant keep being pushed and pulled and only here when hes in need of an ego boost or whatever..

Pushing and Pulling...

The past 8 months have been one of confusion, pain, hurt, love, and many other feelings and all because One ended his relationship and decided I was back in his life again... Although this time I was a lot more weary and a lot more vocal about how I have been feeling and my dislike of how I am being treated. Yet he still pushes and pulls and thinks its ok to treat me like he cares and still has feelings all the while, hes dating so many till one makes him stick with just her and within a few weeks is telling me hes selling his house and they are buying one together... 

Apparently she owns her own home yet guess what? 8 weeks after his house is sold and 6 weeks since they moved into the house he purchased, her house is still not for sale or for rent... So yet again i see him being used and sucked into something that is going to destroy him.. 

He hasnt healed from all he went through last year with the horse or the fact he ended it. He hasnt dealt with any of the relationships that have hurt him the past six years.. and the kicker... He pushed me to tell him everything and i did, only to have him hook up with this current one who hes now playing daddy to her children with a couple of days later.... 

No one prepares you for losing your bestfriend and the one you love over and over, because even though you both love each other one wants to deal and the other wants to run.. how do you heal when you finally tell him the things you havent for years? You cant! you go around feeling like a piece of you is missing constantly just like i have everytime we have been apart the past six years. 

I wrote him a letter before the house sold and left it somewhere he would find it later on. I dont know if he has found it or read it but i basically told him i couldnt be apart of this. The fact that he keeps telling me the new girlfriend likes me when its actually bs because she acts so insecure near me and he has hardly had time with me since being with her. 

He did keep his word for my birthday and take me out for dinner but thats only because she was away on some trip with her parents and kids.... since then I havent seen him and hes hardly messaged me... Its like I only exist when he wants me to, and I cant be that person. I cant keep getting pushed and pulled at his will, Im not a puppy or anything else. and to top it off i get told her exhusband and new partner are now engaged and having a baby... whats the bet He now does the same thing because the one thing i have noticed with this new chick.. She says jump and he says how high and does everything she wants him to do :(

I get that some of what I told him earlier this year about what i wanted and needed to do in my life and yet still wanted him too obviously was way too much to handle.. But what happened to that guy that said he would always be there that he wouldnt give up on me as long as i didnt give up on him? That he loved me no matter what and cared and would give me the world? and yes he even has said that the last few months too... Yet how can one give me the world when hes with someone else :(

I had thought we were starting to get somewhere and things were going to improve but it seems only one of us grew up the past year while we were apart. and now i have to be ok with letting him and all of it go all over again. Good bye my happy ending, good bye to my bestfriend and good bye to life as it was...

To Him:
If you are reading this, I am sorry I tried to keep our friendship from falling apart by being in contact when I of all people should know due to the past few years with you that it doesnt work like that at all. I am sorry I cant support your decisions any more when they cause me pain and you dont see that your actions and decisions  affect me.  I wish you all the best in life and all it holds.

Sempre