Its now May 2015, so much in my life has changed dramatically. My physical pain is no longer due to my wonderful second specialist who performed the surgery which has let me walk etc again.
Unfortunately surgery can't erase emotional pain. I thought I could pretend to be ok, including telling someone who means so much to me that I'm ok, that I'm over it.
When in all honesty it's far from the truth. We don't choose who we fall for unfortunately and when you don't want to feel things you can't make feelings disappear... so now I'm pretending I'm ok bcos that one person expects me to be. Even tho its killing me inside. I don't know how to tell him everything, because I lost trust in him for many reasons the past year. I know I believe in him and see the good in him but I struggle to trust him due to broken promises and other reasons.
I know I want to trust again because this person makes me smile when I want to hide & cry. Makes me feel better at the drop of a hat.... I just wish things could magically fall into place so I could do the right thing. Tell them what i need to say, explain and be able to trust. But i guess I need a miracle for that.
It also doesn't help when someone thinks they are better off not in your life and does things people would not be too impressed with or would classify as immoral etc. They've also decided you think the same way but yet its not like that.
It's bcos I care I hate seeing them destroy themselves. Making bad decisions, hurting themselves and giving themselves a bad rep. Yet thru it all my feelings don't change yet... I'm realizing I have to pretend I'm ok and ignore how i feel so that you can go do what you want in ur life without feeling guilty bcos of me.
I hate that I'm having to make a decision again to ignore my feelings/emotions, basically shut down and just run on auto pilot because one of us needs to be happy and I figure it might as well be u. Why? Because I survived just sticking to myself with my books and art and studies and I know I can do it again.
We don't always get the things we want in life but we try to do what's right for the ones we love so i figure this is what I need to do.
Thank you for trying I am grateful and I do love you and I'm sorry I hurt you
Sempre x
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