The one time I followed what I believe in my heart instead of my head, the one time I make a decision for what I believe in my heart to be a good/right decision. One that would help fix issues/mend a friendship, that would maybe help me heal from the past few years with the mistakes I have made and to be maybe have things better than the past... but I've only ended up making things worse :-( I fucked up... and theres nothing I can ultimately do about it... I know what I did wrong, and I know why but at the end of the day it doesn't change anything or fix it. Its broken and probably always will be, because as much as I try I feel like it's already been deemed a lost cause by the other long before this happened in someways...
I'm now at that point where I feel like things will never be "normal" as I guess most would say. No matter what I do, nothing is ever good enough, I just end up hurting someone more although I'm starting to think that someone is me. Because I stupidly put everyone else first, something I believed to be the right thing to do (even when hes said so many times the last few yrs its not a good idea), why? because I have never got anything I wanted in my life, What I do have in my life I have had to work my butt off for while fighting my health/injuries and the crap I've been put through which I'm partly to blame for due to my decisions.
I have never believed everyone gets what they want, because life just isn't that simple or fair.... We are always told Life's not fair... and its true in so many ways including getting what you want. Because if it was that easy, people would all have what they want and nothing would probably ever get done in the world etc, or I guess things could all just implode lol... some people just never get what they want and I've learnt we just have to accept that even if we're left wanting...
This time I sit here wondering if I should just give up.... Give up believing anything can ever be fixed or be an improvement on the past, because all we seem to do is fail.... fail due to picking stupid little fights over meaningless things, making each other feel worthless and meaningless, and to be honest for the last few months I haven't even been sure there was a friendship to begin with due to how things feel... Because of what happened in the beginning, then everything else since then, people causing trouble, pushing/pulling which I know at times we've both done.... I've always tried to believe it wasn't just me making an effort, forgiving things even when they hurt like hell among other things... but now I'm starting to feel like maybe I've been making excuses, because I've always tried to believe in the good i see in them. I know they do things at times that does show that I'm not the only one but maybe its me, maybe I don't see these things or have learnt not to because its taken so long? or maybe I just expect more because for so long its seemed like the effort was always so one sided *shrug* reminds me of a quote about Expectations and how expectations make things worse.... I've always tried not to expect anything from anyone/or expect anything.... maybe that's the problem? I've somehow in my head expected them to do something unrealistic or be something unrealistic even tho its not what I want in my heart?
Then I get reminded of all the promises that were made to me and try to find ones that were kept... so hard to find them amongst the broken ones. Its like a needle in a haystack and we all know that game is not one anyone wins... I know no-one can keep every promise made because things happen, that's how life is... for me though I guess I do believe that if you make an important promise you should honor it because it does show your honest and loyal. But are we then supposed to pick and chose what are the important ones? Or learn to promise less unless we actually mean it and feel we can deliver the promises?
I know things happen for a reason and we are supposed to learn and grow from them, but what have I learnt from the last three years? That its ok to have your cake and eat it too? that its ok to hurt people if you dont admit to yourself you are doing it? That its ok to make promises you don't intend to keep? That you can tell people they mean alot to you but then hurt them a few days later? That sometimes running away is easier than facing the truth? That at the end of the day as long as someone is happy thats all that matters? That pain it hurts but shove it aside and carry on like it never happened? That as long as we smile & act happy it all goes away? That people are not what you think & I'm better off in a bubble?
I have no idea what I am supposed to learn from all this...
I guess it also would be a little easier if the other person actually had some patience but sadly I guess not everyone will have patience and after awhile patience wears thin just like when you lose trust in someone. We all know trust is something I struggle with at the best of times, and is something that once lost takes a lot to gain back, especially when theres a lot to consider along with history etc. I have always struggled with trust but I guess for me it makes it a hell of a lot harder to trust someone when you gave them trust when you didnt want to and they ended up abusing your trust and treating you in a way that should never have happened and everyone could see that but you, because you kept making excuses for them. WHY? because you believed in them, you see the good in them and believed and trusted they would never hurt you because they said for so long they never would...
Its a hard thing to come back from, especially when so many people tell you that you're a fool for seeing the good in people, for believing in them and believing they had their reasons and mean it when they say sorry. Even if they keep doing the same things over and over. I am learning that I have to try give a lil more trust even when I am hurting like hell because of something someone did. Its not an easy road to go down when you are scared as hell that they or yourself will repeat the same mistakes. To be honest I want to run like hell, and the situation I am in now I want to trust yet theres so many things pointing to why I shouldn't because of the past. Yet I want to keep trying and believing that good I see, and dont want to run from the mess/issue/disaster (whatever youd like to call it), instead I see it as the other person running and not dealing because at least I want to try fix the issues. I know how i want life to be and that it can work if people try & believe, and communicate which I know has been my downfall for so long. Just like I was starting to trust again and I lost my faith & ability over something minor bcos I didn't communicate.... but this time yet again theres no chance for me. Why is it I give chance after chance after chance yet I don't get the same opportunity?
To me it just makes me realise that I will never be good enough, will always be in the wrong and even when I admit I am, they give up or don't want to even try. I also know there is no point making excuses for someone else because in the back of my mind I know that it just excuses the behavior and makes me look a complete idiot who doesn't seem to get it. When I do, I just want to believe the good in people even though those people ultimately end up being the ones who hurt me, I still want to keep trying. I guess it goes back to that old saying of we hurt the ones we love/care for the most.
I honestly am not sure if things will ever be ok, now due to this situation/mess I created because of not being ok with so many things in life/the situation and not wanting to admit them. I probably will lose the one person who I realized last year is important to me in so many ways I can't always explain, and there is not a thing I can do about it because, its their decision ultimately and I know from previous experience that things will just disappear like they did last time, no contact, nothing because its easier for them I guess...
This time I sit here wondering if I should just give up.... Give up believing anything can ever be fixed or be an improvement on the past, because all we seem to do is fail.... fail due to picking stupid little fights over meaningless things, making each other feel worthless and meaningless, and to be honest for the last few months I haven't even been sure there was a friendship to begin with due to how things feel... Because of what happened in the beginning, then everything else since then, people causing trouble, pushing/pulling which I know at times we've both done.... I've always tried to believe it wasn't just me making an effort, forgiving things even when they hurt like hell among other things... but now I'm starting to feel like maybe I've been making excuses, because I've always tried to believe in the good i see in them. I know they do things at times that does show that I'm not the only one but maybe its me, maybe I don't see these things or have learnt not to because its taken so long? or maybe I just expect more because for so long its seemed like the effort was always so one sided *shrug* reminds me of a quote about Expectations and how expectations make things worse.... I've always tried not to expect anything from anyone/or expect anything.... maybe that's the problem? I've somehow in my head expected them to do something unrealistic or be something unrealistic even tho its not what I want in my heart?
Then I get reminded of all the promises that were made to me and try to find ones that were kept... so hard to find them amongst the broken ones. Its like a needle in a haystack and we all know that game is not one anyone wins... I know no-one can keep every promise made because things happen, that's how life is... for me though I guess I do believe that if you make an important promise you should honor it because it does show your honest and loyal. But are we then supposed to pick and chose what are the important ones? Or learn to promise less unless we actually mean it and feel we can deliver the promises?
I know things happen for a reason and we are supposed to learn and grow from them, but what have I learnt from the last three years? That its ok to have your cake and eat it too? that its ok to hurt people if you dont admit to yourself you are doing it? That its ok to make promises you don't intend to keep? That you can tell people they mean alot to you but then hurt them a few days later? That sometimes running away is easier than facing the truth? That at the end of the day as long as someone is happy thats all that matters? That pain it hurts but shove it aside and carry on like it never happened? That as long as we smile & act happy it all goes away? That people are not what you think & I'm better off in a bubble?
I have no idea what I am supposed to learn from all this...
I know I have learnt that it hurts like F**k when we fight/argue, that sometimes what you know to be right isn't. I've learnt when they aren't around in my life it hurts like hell & wanted to be dead to remove the pain which was unexplainable, that I cant run from how I feel or from problems but that sometimes you don't get a chance to solve or face them bcos circumstances are out of your control, That stepping back from something you want can have repercussions for the rest of your life and can be painful, and ultimately knowing how you feel and what you want is useless if you cant tell the person or realise what you want is unattainable, so you end up screwing your life up and making mistakes because you listen to everyone else and are too afraid to say and do things, and that if you get pushed to overcome your fears you end up screwing things up too? because that fear completely shakes you so you lose the words every time you do try.... Especially when you never used to struggle with them with anyone, now there's one person I do....
I guess it also would be a little easier if the other person actually had some patience but sadly I guess not everyone will have patience and after awhile patience wears thin just like when you lose trust in someone. We all know trust is something I struggle with at the best of times, and is something that once lost takes a lot to gain back, especially when theres a lot to consider along with history etc. I have always struggled with trust but I guess for me it makes it a hell of a lot harder to trust someone when you gave them trust when you didnt want to and they ended up abusing your trust and treating you in a way that should never have happened and everyone could see that but you, because you kept making excuses for them. WHY? because you believed in them, you see the good in them and believed and trusted they would never hurt you because they said for so long they never would...
Its a hard thing to come back from, especially when so many people tell you that you're a fool for seeing the good in people, for believing in them and believing they had their reasons and mean it when they say sorry. Even if they keep doing the same things over and over. I am learning that I have to try give a lil more trust even when I am hurting like hell because of something someone did. Its not an easy road to go down when you are scared as hell that they or yourself will repeat the same mistakes. To be honest I want to run like hell, and the situation I am in now I want to trust yet theres so many things pointing to why I shouldn't because of the past. Yet I want to keep trying and believing that good I see, and dont want to run from the mess/issue/disaster (whatever youd like to call it), instead I see it as the other person running and not dealing because at least I want to try fix the issues. I know how i want life to be and that it can work if people try & believe, and communicate which I know has been my downfall for so long. Just like I was starting to trust again and I lost my faith & ability over something minor bcos I didn't communicate.... but this time yet again theres no chance for me. Why is it I give chance after chance after chance yet I don't get the same opportunity?
To me it just makes me realise that I will never be good enough, will always be in the wrong and even when I admit I am, they give up or don't want to even try. I also know there is no point making excuses for someone else because in the back of my mind I know that it just excuses the behavior and makes me look a complete idiot who doesn't seem to get it. When I do, I just want to believe the good in people even though those people ultimately end up being the ones who hurt me, I still want to keep trying. I guess it goes back to that old saying of we hurt the ones we love/care for the most.
I honestly am not sure if things will ever be ok, now due to this situation/mess I created because of not being ok with so many things in life/the situation and not wanting to admit them. I probably will lose the one person who I realized last year is important to me in so many ways I can't always explain, and there is not a thing I can do about it because, its their decision ultimately and I know from previous experience that things will just disappear like they did last time, no contact, nothing because its easier for them I guess...
I hate that I'm feeling the last few months that I probably should ignore my feelings/emotions and run on auto-pilot of sorts. This would make some things a lil easier I guess. It's not like I wouldn't survive considering I've survived worse and I have my books/art/studies like last time and I was ok. At least then maybe it wouldn't feel like the one & only time I lied to them would keep getting thrown back at me. I know I did it for the right reasons or what i felt were the right reasons, even if he never sees that. Considering it's not like he hasn't lied to me before about something even if completely minor, because we all know everyone lies at times.
We don't always get the things we want in life but we try to do what's right for the ones we love/care about even if in the end it ends up being wrong. I am thankful though that I know understand when people say you know that you know, bcos I never believed that i thought that it was kinda crap bcos you should be able to explain that you know a certain feeling yet I now know that everyone whose said that to me was right. You really do just know when you know and you can't explain it. In my situation I wish I didn't but I also know it's why I will put them & what they want/need first because it's something I've always believed in. Even if it means hurting myself in the process... I've survived worse therefore I can survive that too.
I just hope that one day all of this makes sense. Thst maybe one day that one person will at least understand and that they will forgive me and maybe try again with rebuilding what i seem to have broke... this person means so much and made me see things so differently yet gave up when I needed them most... I guess all I can really say is Sorry and maybe one day you'll be back in my life, who knows but I will say you make me smile when all I want to do is run and hide and even when things are crap you make me smile and believe. You bought me back to life even if it was short lived and I'm thankful for that. You will always mean something even if you never know.
X
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