As of tomorrow morning (saturday 24th) there is 4 full days before my niece and nephew head off on their trip of life time with 'P' to Australia! It feels like its taken forever to get to this point and forever since I was home in Wellington.
The kids are excited and restless and slightly driving us up the wall, which is going to make the weekend awfully long as I have them from 4.45pm onwards on saturday, as well as all day and night sunday due to 'P' working. Normally we would breeze through it as kids are pretty happy to watch dvds and go for walks etc. This weekend is an exception as they are excited to be leaving on Wednesday, they are excited that they only have 2days of School this coming week and that they finally get to see Miss 7s dad. As well as the fact they have been up early the past few mornings (god knows why considering most mornings Master 11 takes two of us to get him up he really has hit that tween/teen age).
I managed to be the awesome aunty that has got Master 11 (soon to be 12) his birthday present, which is something he has wanted since we all first discussed going to Australia. I can already picture the elated face and the deafening squeals when I let him have his birthday present over breakfast on wednesday morning.
Four and a half months ago I was sitting in my apartment in Wellington thinking how much of a sacrifice it was going to be to care for Miss 7 & Master 11 and what it would mean. I mostly saw it as making sure 'P' had money put away for the trip as she wasnt having to fork out $100 + a week in a sitter while she worked at the cafe. It also meant I would have some time with family after the topsy-turvey things in my life the past 2 years or so, things that would sometimes out of my control. As well as saving some money as my lease was up on the Apartment and i wanted to knucle down and get my study underway for the year.
Now we are 4 days off them heading off to Christchurch on Wednesday morning before flying out to Perth on Friday and I have realised just how much an impact me putting my family first has been for them. They are able to go to Perth for 3weeks and have spending money, as well as the kids having a digital camera each from Aunty to capture their once in a lifetime trip to see Miss 7s dad and explore places in Oz. They have new clothes to wear over there and get to come home to a happy cat who has been looked after by me and the house warm and cosy since Winter will well and truly be here in Invercargill when they arrive home the end of June.
I am glad I have been able to help make this happen for them, and just reminds me that sacrificing what I want does have benefits for others especially my wonderful Niece & Nephew....
Now to figure out what I am going to do for 3 weeks with no children to look after....
Friday, May 23, 2014
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Mission Just About Accomplished!
It's officially less than 14 days till my niece and nephew & 'p' get to head to Australia, Perth to be precise. I now actually feel like I have achieved something while facing my own inner demons being down here. If I hadn't have come down to look after the 2 ratbags the trip wouldn't have been possible. Miss 7 wouldn't being going to see her dad or where he lives etc.
It's been tough and demanding as the last time I cared for them full-time they were so much younger and in some aspects a lot easier to look after. These days they fight and argue, they don't listen and like most kids they hate cleaning up after themselves lol. But Aunty Pixie has still managed to keep them happy, stop the fights when need be and have them understand that their actions have consequences. It has also at times left me thinking why oh why do I want to have kids? But yet at the end of the day I still do because it's rewarding.
I have one more full on weekend with both of them next wk before they are away for 3wks and it's me and the furball at home... I'm hoping they have an absolute blast over there and have some great experiences.
At the same time I'm feeling a lil sad as it means it's not long till I head back home to wellington and start a new chapter of life. New house, new job and new plan and hopefully a new furball since it's just going to be me, myself and I, which I'm more than happy with as I only have to worry about myself if anything goes wrong.
I know as much as I dislike Invercargill and everything it reminds me of, I have faced a lot of my demons while being down here, learned I am stronger than I think and spent quality time with family. But I will be glad to be in warmer climate soon.
Friday, May 16, 2014
2 years ...
Today (Saturday 17th), marks 2 years since I met 'him'. Two years of my life being topsy-turvy... the 1st year I believed life did indeed bring miracles and things were always possible and made me believe that maybe I wasn't everything I was told I was growing up. The past year has been the one that sadly broke the horses back I guess some would say since its when i learned the toughest lessons...
It seems the past year taught me that no matter how many times people incl 'him' promise things, no-one ever keeps their word. People can promise things and never follow through and that's just the way life is.
It's taught me that sometimes as much as you care it doesn't matter because people will believe what they want to believe and I will always be the one feeling like the liar/fraud/fake even though I have always been honest and loyal etc. I guess it's made me realize that I really am better off living in my own lil world because friendships/relationships and the likes I just don't understand or get. There's nothing logical about them at all, whereas give me Science and I can understand it perfectly. It's made me realize that maybe I'm just not cut out to have them. That I really am better off in my world of books, and art and working to pay bills etc but sticking to myself.
The thing that hurts the most is that I was ok doing my own thing 2years ago, life was fine and going well, my best friend (AM) was still around and I had friends to spend time with when I wanted. All that has changed due to what has happened or in relation to what's happened. I also lost my friendship with 'him' in this last year in many ways. I just became this dirty little secret that had to disappear, even though all I ever did was put him and his happiness and wants first.
Now I'm left haunted with memories that I can't seem to erase, & a need to just put the past behind me, build a new bubble and not let anyone in again. Why? Because it's the safest and best option there is for someone like me... because if it's one thing I've learned it's that there's no point trying to be "normal" which is why I dated people even though it gave me the anxiety & panicking inside my head and the heebie-jeebies, to just look like my life is normal. I learned though that theres no point keeping up with the Joneses as they say as in this case it just causes more pain. Normal isn't really a thing, its just peoples perceptions.
When in reality my life is never going to be the normal everyone perceives normal to be because no matter how much therapy and counseling one does I may never find someone who makes me feel safe and not cause the panicking etc inside. He didn't but it scared me that he didn't, that it was like my body betrayed me and was ok. But I made decisions and nothing changes as the past year especially can prove and remind me of that....
The past year I left Auckland in April, saw him once in August and nothing since, a few texts here and there, and a call before xmas and one after new years (which from my memory was more me getting lectured then anything else). Its harder to remember the good things when the past year has been all about making me disappear and not talking to me. Which is one of the last things said to me before I left Auckland last year. That once we were both home that he wouldn't probably be in contact and I guess that much has been true sadly.
I remember some of the best parts of the 1st year but those memories are bittersweet and overshadowed by the memories and feelings of being harassed and no-one believing me even when confronted with the truth... It hurts but thats life I guess, at least I can say I tried with a smile on my face.
Now I just hope he finds whatever makes him happy and enjoys his life...as after 2 years of turmoil and confusion, I know that nothing changes and I have to just keep moving forward and focusing on what I have to do no matter what...pretending the past never happened and trying to hope that one day the memories will disappear too.
Life may throw lemons at me as it seems to a lot but at least I know I can keep fighting and looking for a positive in each day even when it hurts like hell and I wish I could erase 2 yrs. I guess the past 2 years has at least taught me to smile and keep fighting no matter what. It's also taught me that as much as you want to hear someone say "I'm Sorry" you may not, but I forgive them anyway. :-)
Monday, May 12, 2014
A Slowly Ticking Clock......
I found myself thinking about the past yesterday (Sunday/mothers day in NZ), and realising that life really is unpredictable.
This is the third mothers day I have not made contact with my Mother after what has happened, since its also just over 2years since I had to walk away if I wanted to try at least have some resemblance of a life. I don't regret walking away after everything I have been through in life. She was never really a parent to me in any sense of the word sadly. It took the past 2.5years to make me realise these things and be ok with it.
BUT it does also make me realise the one thing I have always wanted in life is slowly slipping from my grasp. To be honest it feels like its quite quickly slipping out of my grasp. I had the chance not long after my 20th birthday but due to health reasons/complications it was never to be. Which is fine I can honestly say i have healed from that and moved on. It also meant life was 1 less complicated as i wouldn't have to deal with stalkerish ex, 2 it also meant that the child was not created out of trying to be "normal" due to my past instead of due to parents actually loving each other, and 3 I wasn't going to repeat the mistakes of my mother.
Now I found myself thinking on Sunday that maybe 'P' and everyone else was right, maybe I am just supposed to be an Aunty. Maybe its just how things are supposed to be as horrible as it sounds and feels, maybe in someways its the universes way of reminding me we don't always get what we want, Or punishing me for what happened when I had the chance to be a mum. Maybe 'P' etc are right that I should be happy that I teach kids Monday-Friday and can send them home and not deal with anything else... BUT if that's the case why the hell does it hurt so much these days when I tuck my niece into bed at night etc? That pain of wishing for what you have always wanted and yet knowing its probably never going to happen. Funny thing is I never had these feelings till the past year...
Does ones biological clock just kick in once you hit 31 and just keep pissing you off till it finally realises its never going to happen and disappear? Considering whats the point in ticking so loudly when I'm alone. Which I am ok with, I have my own life, I can holiday when I like where i like and not have to worry about whether a partner could come or not. I only have to worry about me and my plans. But this constant reminder the past year or so that what I want is disappearing from my grasp is starting to frustrate me. I turn 32 in 8 weeks and I guess in some ways I feel like I have failed what I had in mind for my life regarding family since I don't see it happening in the future anymore. Its also not like I could even contemplate doing it on my own like some people, good on them too! They prove that you don't need to be with someone to have children etc but at the same time that's not something I have ever wanted, my dream was a proper family and that dream will be forever out of reach.
BUT in saying that I guess some ways the past has played a hand in all of it as well. Although I can see both sides of the coin in how things would be different had it not happened, I also know without the past I wouldn't be who I am today.
A person who can keep going no matter what life throws at her, a person who doesn't need to rely on anyone and knows how to self-sufficiently keep her head above water as they say. As well as still being able to find a positive in things, or at least laugh trying to. I also guess that I have also become someone who happily gives up things for others whether it be time or money or what have you for others to become happy which makes me smile...
Life is something that is special and every moment counts, and even though I will probably never create a life at least I can make others lives a lot easier for them........
P.S. Thanks (M) my amazing friend who understands how hard mothers day is for me due to our similar position those years ago for the sweet lil msg xx
This is the third mothers day I have not made contact with my Mother after what has happened, since its also just over 2years since I had to walk away if I wanted to try at least have some resemblance of a life. I don't regret walking away after everything I have been through in life. She was never really a parent to me in any sense of the word sadly. It took the past 2.5years to make me realise these things and be ok with it.
BUT it does also make me realise the one thing I have always wanted in life is slowly slipping from my grasp. To be honest it feels like its quite quickly slipping out of my grasp. I had the chance not long after my 20th birthday but due to health reasons/complications it was never to be. Which is fine I can honestly say i have healed from that and moved on. It also meant life was 1 less complicated as i wouldn't have to deal with stalkerish ex, 2 it also meant that the child was not created out of trying to be "normal" due to my past instead of due to parents actually loving each other, and 3 I wasn't going to repeat the mistakes of my mother.
Now I found myself thinking on Sunday that maybe 'P' and everyone else was right, maybe I am just supposed to be an Aunty. Maybe its just how things are supposed to be as horrible as it sounds and feels, maybe in someways its the universes way of reminding me we don't always get what we want, Or punishing me for what happened when I had the chance to be a mum. Maybe 'P' etc are right that I should be happy that I teach kids Monday-Friday and can send them home and not deal with anything else... BUT if that's the case why the hell does it hurt so much these days when I tuck my niece into bed at night etc? That pain of wishing for what you have always wanted and yet knowing its probably never going to happen. Funny thing is I never had these feelings till the past year...
Does ones biological clock just kick in once you hit 31 and just keep pissing you off till it finally realises its never going to happen and disappear? Considering whats the point in ticking so loudly when I'm alone. Which I am ok with, I have my own life, I can holiday when I like where i like and not have to worry about whether a partner could come or not. I only have to worry about me and my plans. But this constant reminder the past year or so that what I want is disappearing from my grasp is starting to frustrate me. I turn 32 in 8 weeks and I guess in some ways I feel like I have failed what I had in mind for my life regarding family since I don't see it happening in the future anymore. Its also not like I could even contemplate doing it on my own like some people, good on them too! They prove that you don't need to be with someone to have children etc but at the same time that's not something I have ever wanted, my dream was a proper family and that dream will be forever out of reach.
BUT in saying that I guess some ways the past has played a hand in all of it as well. Although I can see both sides of the coin in how things would be different had it not happened, I also know without the past I wouldn't be who I am today.
A person who can keep going no matter what life throws at her, a person who doesn't need to rely on anyone and knows how to self-sufficiently keep her head above water as they say. As well as still being able to find a positive in things, or at least laugh trying to. I also guess that I have also become someone who happily gives up things for others whether it be time or money or what have you for others to become happy which makes me smile...
Life is something that is special and every moment counts, and even though I will probably never create a life at least I can make others lives a lot easier for them........
P.S. Thanks (M) my amazing friend who understands how hard mothers day is for me due to our similar position those years ago for the sweet lil msg xx
Friday, May 2, 2014
#100HappyDays - The First 35 Days
I started the #100HappyDays Challenge end of March and to make it a little easier on the blog I decided to Combine 35 days into one post to share....
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| #100HappyDays - Days 01-35 |
Achievement Unlocked - Goal 2/3 achieved
So the goal for the FatMumSlim Photo A Day Challenge is now had its second month successfully completed. I mentioned getting Part 1 done Here!
so far I am doing pretty well and have even started the May Challenge which you can find @fatmumslim you can also follow my progress on Instagram @cheekypixienz.
so far I am doing pretty well and have even started the May Challenge which you can find @fatmumslim you can also follow my progress on Instagram @cheekypixienz.
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| #FMSPhotoaday April Challenge Completed |
It's the little things in life....
That make one smile when inside they are breaking, as I have been learning the past 6 days. I grew up always hearing Bad things happen in 3's but I never really believed it till the past year or so. Funny how you can look back and realize something to be true yet you thought it wasn't for most of your life lol...
Sadly Bad things really do come in 3's as This week my bestie had lost her dad, Then SS called with news that was upsetting to say the least, Then I got hit with a letter which arrived 8 days after sending and what was inside wasn't good. The final nail in the coffin was shattering my work phone (S4) screen... BUT for once I didn't cry, I laughed because if I didn't laugh I was going to bawl. I am grateful it wasn't my Personal Cellphone as it would have meant shattering the new phone (S5) but it was like the final nail in the coffin to show it was going to be a shitty week.
Especially when I had been doing so well as trying to ignore what was going on in my head & heart and put on a happy face and keep going... The past few weeks its been all about taking one day at a time due to the situation I had to distance myself from. Today its 14 days since a conversation and Its as painful as it was to the similar time last year. I wish I could drown out my gut feeling, this emotional pull in a way like a rubber band because it also has had me feeling emotions i guess that are not my own. Because I know how I feel with the overall situation and I know I am over all happy go lucky, seeing the positive and good in people and things. but the past 14 days especially its been harder than normal... After talking it over with my big sister I understand why..... But now I am left wishing I could drown it out and make it disappear... Sadly I tried drowning it with Alcohol on Tuesday evening - Results were it didn't work. why can't it just bugger off and leave me in peace?
I have managed to focus a little better the past 3 days due to looking at the fun little things as I took the Niece & Nephew swimming on Wednesday. To which I am still feeling the affects as Miss 7 had me planking in the leisure pool so she could use me as a weird tunnel. But it also had me focusing on my fitness and planning my training for the Skechers 6k I am doing in November. Thursday was the joy of finishing yet another assignment towards my BEd, and Today (Friday 2nd May) it was seeing two cheeky Tui's in the tree over breakfast and then receiving my Passport forms to fill out. Finally I am getting the passport and taking a huge leap out of my comfort zone because a friend and I are planning a trip to Australia in summer for a week or so.
So the little things have got me through this week, even though I feel like I am breaking inside because I cant talk to the one person I really want to talk to. The one who could make everything better with a smile and huge hug and sing a cheesy song to me badly.... Which inevitably always made me smile and now makes me miss them more.... But I have to just get used to the fact that is never going to happen again, they've made it clear the past 14 days that I am no longer a part of their life so no longer a friend i guess, so I just smile and carry on and try pretend like they never existed so I can be ok and try smile each day, and focus on what I have to look forward to in the next 6months as well as enjoying the time with my niece and nephew....
I've been re-reading on my kindle the Alchemitst and this has been stuck in my head all week....
Sadly Bad things really do come in 3's as This week my bestie had lost her dad, Then SS called with news that was upsetting to say the least, Then I got hit with a letter which arrived 8 days after sending and what was inside wasn't good. The final nail in the coffin was shattering my work phone (S4) screen... BUT for once I didn't cry, I laughed because if I didn't laugh I was going to bawl. I am grateful it wasn't my Personal Cellphone as it would have meant shattering the new phone (S5) but it was like the final nail in the coffin to show it was going to be a shitty week.
Especially when I had been doing so well as trying to ignore what was going on in my head & heart and put on a happy face and keep going... The past few weeks its been all about taking one day at a time due to the situation I had to distance myself from. Today its 14 days since a conversation and Its as painful as it was to the similar time last year. I wish I could drown out my gut feeling, this emotional pull in a way like a rubber band because it also has had me feeling emotions i guess that are not my own. Because I know how I feel with the overall situation and I know I am over all happy go lucky, seeing the positive and good in people and things. but the past 14 days especially its been harder than normal... After talking it over with my big sister I understand why..... But now I am left wishing I could drown it out and make it disappear... Sadly I tried drowning it with Alcohol on Tuesday evening - Results were it didn't work. why can't it just bugger off and leave me in peace?
I have managed to focus a little better the past 3 days due to looking at the fun little things as I took the Niece & Nephew swimming on Wednesday. To which I am still feeling the affects as Miss 7 had me planking in the leisure pool so she could use me as a weird tunnel. But it also had me focusing on my fitness and planning my training for the Skechers 6k I am doing in November. Thursday was the joy of finishing yet another assignment towards my BEd, and Today (Friday 2nd May) it was seeing two cheeky Tui's in the tree over breakfast and then receiving my Passport forms to fill out. Finally I am getting the passport and taking a huge leap out of my comfort zone because a friend and I are planning a trip to Australia in summer for a week or so.
So the little things have got me through this week, even though I feel like I am breaking inside because I cant talk to the one person I really want to talk to. The one who could make everything better with a smile and huge hug and sing a cheesy song to me badly.... Which inevitably always made me smile and now makes me miss them more.... But I have to just get used to the fact that is never going to happen again, they've made it clear the past 14 days that I am no longer a part of their life so no longer a friend i guess, so I just smile and carry on and try pretend like they never existed so I can be ok and try smile each day, and focus on what I have to look forward to in the next 6months as well as enjoying the time with my niece and nephew....
I've been re-reading on my kindle the Alchemitst and this has been stuck in my head all week....
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