Whoops - Deleted Post From 22nd Feb

In realising I accidently deleted my post from last week about a white knight..., and not saving a draft copy :/ - lesson learned

" She got her head in the clouds And she's not backing down..."

so this week started out pretty crazy yet the above lyrics have been stuck in my head... Kinda fitting for someone who has done a tonne of thinking & decision making lately on how to achieve what goals I have for the year while the past 8 wks things have been chaotic and falling down around me.

I realised lately that to hell with what anyone else thinks I am going to put myself first on a few decisions... With my head held high and remembering that those that love me and care will understand and if not then screw them!

I'm still heading for my goals just doing it slightly different to how I first planned :)

so since I have been miserable since day 1 up here due to the job being ripped out from under me I am going to get back to where I am happy. Instead of being all alone up here which is what i have benn the past several weeks since things disintergrated with my bestie &  one other. I'm going to go back to where I have friends  & family.  I discovered I can transfer uni's etc which helps so Roll on the next four months so I can be back in the familar and with ppl who truly care etc.

I also realised  while I was down in Invercargill that as much as I dislike the place and was born in warm sunny Hawkes Bay, I really am a Southland Country gal at heart and that you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the gal!  

Which could be a reason this gal is hasn't been coping  in the concrete jungle of Auckland. I realised when we went to see Miss 5  on her first ever fishing trip on sunday how much I learned growing up down there, with holidays in Orepuki & camping at the lakes etc.....

I wouldn't be me without the experiences I had growing up down there even though I was always dreaming on how to get away from there..... now as the lyrics say "she's got her head in the clouds and she's not backing down".... its true I'm still going to fight to get what I want to achieve!

"Filled with catastrophe, but she knows she can fly..." - AND SO I SHALL!!! :-)

Everybody has a dark side...

So as mentioned in my post the other day, I now have to start dealing with some things from the past that to be honest scare me immensely. I know if don't deal with them they will come back to bite me when I least expect it again. As it is they have the past year and it's made me make some decisions I now regret and probably always will...

Tomorrow at noon is the first time in quite awhile that I will have to sit and deal with things and I'm scared as hell to be doing so. The last time I was this scared was while I was on holiday, and instead due to my past I didn't make the best decisions. I guess what makes it that little bit harder is knowing that the one person I would normally talk to after events etc, I can't really run to because of whats happened.  I'm alone and have no support while going through this and that person whom had promised they would always be there no matter what isn't. They got me to trust them which I don't do easily and open up and now they are gone and I am left to try keep together without support.... 

It leaves me with so many unanswered questions, which I'm not sure is more frustrating then the whole situation itself or what.... 

To be honest I feel like I am probably going to lose it completely at this appointment tomorrow and never be the same person again. The last week has been hard enough with everything in my life feeling like its completely falling apart without the realisation that I am all alone up here and have no support...Because on top of everything going on in my life, I have been dealing with the fact my bestie (A) may not be around for the plans we made in the future. The future seems awfully bleak with all this going on. How do you stay strong when you know they are fighting for their life again this time worse then the first time they fought the shitty wanky thing called Cancer? It's breaking me knowing I am so far apart and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it...

All of us have secrets and skeletons in the closet and I know tomorrow is supposed to help with all this and every appointment thereafter.

 Everybody has a dark side as Kelly Clarkson mentions in her song Dark Side and I know mine came exploding out the other week when things happened. I hit rock bottom and lost the plot completely, but in doing so I have lost someone I care about because they are blaming themselves for what happened that day and that's something I am probably not going to be able to fix :( 

What hurts more is the fact I have let them see every other dark side of me including my illness and even my anxiety attacks (although I had tried to prevent that) and yet this time it broke something that probably can't be fixed...  For someone like me who hates upsetting or hurting anyone and always puts everyone else first (as someone put it I'm a martyr), it's killing me inside to know that I have done something I may never be able to repair because I was too stubborn to listen sooner about the fact I wasn't dealing with things... 

I am not one for giving up and this is no exception but how do you keep going and keep fighting when someone wants to give up?   How do you overcome your dark side when you openly accepted theirs and all that comes with it and reassure yourself that its ok things are saveable/fixable? 

Friendships are tricky things and some days I wonder if I was really cut out to have them, my mind is great with Science and art but give it things like daily relationships and friendships etc and it just doesn't seem to deal/cope well..... 


I guess all I can do for the moment is at least deal with my dark side and keep trying to keep going support or not... and keep finding the positives in each day, which as hard as they are its one thing I can do to keep going and keep being me... 

It's not a bad thing when someone knows the darkest parts of you BatB 2012

"A heart of numbness..."

So the past week has been a tough one... some things happened that made me realise you really don't know what you've got till it's gone (or just about gone...).

I realised the past week after hurting someone I care about that they had done something for me without even really realising it...

Infact it took watching a recent episode of Glee {naked episode} to realise. I used to be someone who thought I was OK as I was, someone who was focused on goals/aspirations which were to do with my art, along with getting lost in my world of books and creativeness. Sure I spent time with friends as well but I didn't really let anyone in...

I wasn't living infact I realised recently that I was existing but not really living. It was like going through the motions of day to day life without feeling....

There are so many reasons for why I was like that and to be honest I have only really realised that in the past few weeks and started making a plan to deal with them (but that's a different post entirely).
This one person without me even realising (I am not even sure they realise they did it either), made me realise that part of the reason I chose to live like that was because of my past and not loving myself because of what happened and what I grew up being told....

They have made me realise that it doesn't matter what my parents grew up telling me... I'm my own person and even though I'm scared I can do things. That I am NOT the words they said.
This one person accepted me for me when I didn't even like me and wanted to push them away because I didn't think I deserve anyone to care about me bcos of the past amd my illness and other things.... and to be honest I still struggle with the idea of people knowing when I'm sick or seeing that because I don't like the idea of someone seeing me unable to move etc.

After the past week I realised I took it all for granted that they would always be there when I needed them. Instead I stuffed up big time and now have to deal...But I will be forever grateful that they taught me that its OK and that now I'm not so scared no matter what the outcome of anything I face in life, because a heart of numbness can be brought back to life.... and I am at least really living again... and being a lil more me again :)

So Thank-you.
Here's the song that had me thinking...