"Colpo di fulmine..."

I found one of my favorite quotes from a book my bestie Andrea gave to me a few years ago and it has had me thinking quite a lot the past few weeks...

 “You can play it safe, and I wouldn't blame you for it. You can continue as you've been doing, and you'll survive, but is that what you want? Is that enough?”
― J.M. Darhower, Sempre

Everyone can say I've played it safe throughout my whole life. In a way they are probably right, because I will always do what I see is the right thing to do. The right thing being no-one but me gets hurt, because that way others are happy, others don't feel pain over a situation and I know that my actions were ones that were performed not to hurt others. This probably all goes back to being told I destroyed my mothers relationship and didn't deserve the happiness and life I want when I get older...

I have done things in my life to make me look normal to everyone looking in. Dated/relationships/sex because even though I had the heebiejeebies and didn't feel safe with/from the other person I didn't want people to think or see me is anything different or from the norm and I guess in some way I thought that if I kept making myself pretend to feel etc then maybe it would become reality. Then I realised just before my 29th Birthday that I just shouldn't be putting myself in these situations. I couldn't continue to live my life as a lie, pretending I liked this person/people, wanted these people or even that I felt safe. So I started to change me, my life & who was in it and what I did. I figured if the shrink etc was right and I may never feel safe with someone or may only have a one in a million chance of feeling safe with someone in a relationship sense then why lie and pretend I was happy and ok in these relationships. So I decided to change - 

I found goals, inspiration and even the courage to start dealing with the things I had grown up hearing. Words my mother had said, which after hearing so long I believe. My friends Pip & Andrea, helped as I became someone who found herself, what she believed in, what she liked and most of all what made me happy. I found I could be happy on my own, just enjoying the simple things in life like a book. I have always been one who could live happily inside a book even from a young age I was told. I was ok on my own, I didn't need a relationship to be happy and hey if the shrink was right then I probably wouldn't find that one in a million person who I feel completely safe with so I began learning to be ok with that, coming to peace with it as they say. Along with learning to be at peace with not having my own children, the dream I had of a husband, a child or two, a couple of pets and a house and the life I had wanted to create with their help, for me and for them/with them. My days were simple in some ways, get up do my morning routine, go to work, come home, go to the gym, eat, read go to sleep and repeat. I'd see my friends when we weren't busy, which when you live some distance from them makes it a lil hard but we'd chat online and on the phone :)

Life was simple, uncomplicated and easy, a calm and peace in a way I guess.... a few years later someone made me realize that I wasn't really living. I was existing but not living, which is why that quote from Sempre, seems so fitting even now.... because I'm still now only playing it safe, doing in a way what I've always done and just carrying on. Pretending I am ok with how things are in my life, I still have my goals and I am still striving to achieve them, BUT and yep its probably a BIG but! I am doing things to make life easier for others, and being scared to put my feelings/emotions/wants on the line because of how the last few years have affected me. I am scared to put it in to audible words, I can write these things, but because I am scared to hurt others due to how it could affect me too or the consequences of it and how bad things could get I am scared. I'm scared that if I put them into audible that my mothers words will come true..... Especially when I know I am happy and enjoying my life on my own with my kitty and focusing on my studies and the new business I started this year. 

Yet on the other hand what has "Playing it safe" done for me, especially this past year?  In the past year I have tried to erase someone from my life & everything I have felt. I have stopped saying how and what I feel and started bottling up things because I am scared I would disappoint people or that I would hurt or upset them. I have let the words I have worked so hard to not let affect my life anymore seep back in and start believing them for many reasons. I have felt unworthy and like someone wanted me dead and that they didn't care and I didn't mean anything to them, I have blamed my injury and how I was feeling because of it. I let my thoughts become reality in some ways..... I thought I was doing the right thing, "Playing it safe" and now I am learning and realising that what I thought was right is not always right, its not even about right or wrong but more how we do/approach/see things etc and its taken me till this weekend and pretty much destroying something important to me and hurting someone important to start seeing how "Playing it safe"  Believing in what I think is right & being stubborn and determined how screwed up it has become....  -

How could bottling up my feelings & emotions and pretending I am ok be good for anyone especially me? Instead its become this mess which has basically been eating me up from the inside, out  and causing me to be someone I am not. I have hurt people with words and actions and not seeing I was doing so, sometimes I could and yet decided that they were hurting me so what did it matter? It does matter an awful lot actually, because those people may have been hurting me but only in retaliation of what I had already said and done to hurt them. They have no idea what I have had bottled up and exploding & eating me up inside, because I thought I was doing the right thing. Someone said to me many times in the past few years a quote which as much as I remember it I probably should have listened to it instead of ignoring it and being so stubborn or determined... 

"Sometimes, What you think maybe the wrong decision, is actually the right one... and it could possibly change your life."

 My decision to not say things out loud, has caused more harm then good to not only myself but to someone else as well. I know I did it because I thought its was the right thing to do for both of us. I thought I was expected to be the good supportive friend who felt nothing, I wanted to be that friend that they believed in. I wanted to prove I was OK, and I didn't need anyone, That I wasn't that person I grew up hearing. That I was 110% happy on my own without anyone being a part of that. That I could put everything I felt aside and just be a good supportive caring person and friend who was there for others and that's what was expected of me. I also did it because I feel like I don't matter to them, that I am the frigid, horrible, selfish, hateful person they say I am when they are angry.  I have felt for so long that they never meant the little few words they said to me, Why? because I feel like don't deserve them in my life. That they are what I was told growing up, someone who was just pretending to care, because who could care about me when I destroy things and not worth loving. All because I have lost sight and belief in the person I have become on my own merits/terms. The one who had faced those words and learnt I was better than that. That I could be the person I wanted to be because I could chose to ignore those words and learn on my own terms to be ok with everything and chose me over her words.  Funny how doing what you think is the right thing to do ends up being the wrong thing, it ends up you being eaten up from the inside out from your emotions and feelings you have been bottling and hiding, it causes you to become the thing you hate and resent. It also ends up causing you to hurt the ones you care so much about. It causes you to push them past breaking point to where they would rather be around and with anyone than you, that they would rather you disappear than be present. 


Now that I am in that exact position, I have no idea how to fix it, I am not even sure I can to be honest. If I was them I would hate me too and want to walk away. I also know that I wouldn't trust me or want to know me. They were the one who taught me to fight for what I believe in and fight for what I want.. But how do I fight when they have made their decisions? Isn't it better to just leave them to it because they are happy?  and this is where the morality debate comes in... My morals and beliefs remind me that I don't want to hurt/upset/anger anyone... I want others to be happy and who am I to affect that. So how do you fight for what you want and believe in when you are in a situation that you have no control over and know that you are probably the one whose going to end up the most hurt? Why voice these things? 


I know I haven't said anything fully in forever, for so many reasons. Mostly because I am afraid and feel that playing it safe and doing what I have always done means it doesn't hurt quite as much... but I guess another part of me kicks myself because this time I know what I feel is not me pretending. I'm scared of the fact I feel safe with this person, that this person adds that extra 10% to my 100% happiness, that they actually truly do support me and believe in me, That I need to admit the one thing I don't even want to admit to myself. Yet I need to admit to myself and to them...

 I actually know what I feel, and I am scared that its too late... But I also know I don't want to play it safe and I don't want to continue as I have been anymore... I want to be the person I was a few years ago, I want to be more than that in fact. I want to be stronger, more confident, not afraid to be the real Me.... One that they can be proud of, instead of ashamed of, angry with and disappointed and hurt with.... I want to fight for what I want, I want to tell them what the problem is and why...

 But is it all Too Little, Too Late?  Probably too late and time to take flight instead of fight because there's nothing left fighting for anymore. Decisions are taken out of my hand and they no longer believe there's anything worth fighting for either.... 

So it's time to just forget. 

thoughts/feelings in ones head.....

Not sure why I am sitting here writing to be honest.... considering me being able to write doesn't help the situation/mess I've created and feeling like a complete fool due to it all... but at least I guess it stops me from losing the plot completely.

The one time I followed what I believe in my heart instead of my head, the one time I make a decision for what I believe in my heart to be a good/right decision. One that would help fix issues/mend a friendship, that would maybe help me heal from the past few years with the mistakes I have made and to be maybe have things better than the past... but I've only ended up making things worse :-( I fucked up... and theres nothing I can ultimately do about it... I know what I did wrong, and I know why but at the end of the day it doesn't change anything or fix it. Its broken and probably always will be, because as much as I try I feel like it's already been deemed a lost cause by the other long before this happened in someways... 

I'm now at that point where I feel like things will never be "normal" as I guess most would say. No matter what I do, nothing is ever good enough, I just end up hurting someone more although I'm starting to think that someone is me. Because I stupidly put everyone else first, something I believed to be the right thing to do (even when hes said so many times the last few yrs its not a good idea), why? because I have never got anything I wanted in my life, What I do have in my life I have had to work my butt off for while fighting my health/injuries and the crap I've been put through which I'm partly to blame for due to my decisions. 

I have never believed everyone gets what they want, because life just isn't that simple or fair.... We are always told Life's not fair... and its true in so many ways including getting what you want. Because if it was that easy, people would all have what they want and nothing would probably ever get done in the world etc, or I guess things could all just implode lol... some people just never get what they want and I've learnt we just have to accept that even if we're left wanting... 

This time I sit here wondering if I should just give up.... Give up believing anything can ever be fixed or be an improvement on the past, because all we seem to do is fail.... fail due to picking stupid little fights over meaningless things, making each other feel worthless and meaningless, and to be honest for the last few months I haven't even been sure there was a friendship to begin with due to how things feel... Because of what happened in the beginning, then everything else since then, people causing trouble, pushing/pulling which I know at times we've both done.... I've always tried to believe it wasn't just me making an effort, forgiving things even when they hurt like hell among other things... but now I'm starting to feel like maybe I've been making excuses, because I've always tried to believe in the good i see in them. I know they do things at times that does show that I'm not the only one but maybe its me, maybe I don't see these things or have learnt not to because its taken so long? or maybe I just expect more because for so long its seemed like the effort was always so one sided *shrug* reminds me of a quote about Expectations and how expectations make things worse.... I've always tried not to expect anything from anyone/or expect anything.... maybe that's the problem?  I've somehow in my head expected them to do something unrealistic or be something unrealistic even tho its not what I want in my heart? 

Then I get reminded of all the promises that were made to me and try to find ones that were kept... so hard to find them amongst the broken ones. Its like a needle in a haystack and we all know that game is not one anyone wins... I know no-one can keep every promise made because things happen, that's how life is... for me though I guess I do believe that if you make an important promise you should honor it because it does show your honest and loyal. But are we then supposed to pick and chose what are the important ones? Or learn to promise less unless we actually mean it and feel we can deliver the promises? 

I know things happen for a reason and we are supposed to learn and grow from them, but what have I learnt from the last three years? That its ok to have your cake and eat it too? that its ok to hurt people if you dont admit to yourself you are doing it? That its ok to make promises you don't intend to keep?  That you can tell people they mean alot to you but then hurt them a few days later? That sometimes running away is easier than facing the truth? That at the end of the day as long as someone is happy thats all that matters? That pain it hurts but shove it aside and carry on like it never happened? That as long as we smile & act happy it all goes away? That people are not what you think & I'm better off in a bubble?
I have no idea what I am supposed to learn from all this... 

I know I have learnt that it hurts like F**k when we fight/argue, that sometimes what you know to be right isn't. I've learnt when they aren't around in my life it hurts like hell & wanted to be dead to remove the pain which was unexplainable, that I cant run from how I feel or from problems but that sometimes you don't get a chance to solve or face them bcos circumstances are out of your control, That stepping back from something you want can have repercussions for the rest of your life and can be painful, and ultimately knowing how you feel and what you want is useless if you cant tell the person or realise what you want is unattainable, so you end up screwing your life up and making mistakes because you listen to everyone else and are too afraid to say and do things, and that if you get pushed to overcome your fears you end up screwing things up too? because that fear completely shakes you so you lose the words every time you do try.... Especially when you never used to struggle with them with anyone, now there's one person I do.... 

I guess it also would be a little easier if the other person actually had some patience but sadly I guess not everyone will have patience and after awhile patience wears thin just like when you lose trust in someone. We all  know trust is something I struggle with at the best of times, and is something that once lost takes a lot to gain back, especially when theres a lot to consider along with history etc. I have always struggled with trust but I guess for me it makes it a hell of a lot harder to trust someone when you gave them trust when you didnt want to and they ended up abusing your trust and treating you in a way that should never have happened and everyone could see that but you, because you kept making excuses for them. WHY? because you believed in them, you see the good in them and believed and trusted they would never hurt you because they said for so long they never would...

Its a hard thing to come back from, especially when so many people tell you that you're a fool for seeing the good in people, for believing in them and believing they had their reasons and mean it when they say sorry. Even if they keep doing the same things over and over.  I am learning that I have to try give a lil more trust even when I am hurting like hell because of something someone did. Its not an easy road to go down when you are scared as hell that they or yourself  will repeat the same mistakes. To be honest I want to run like hell, and the situation I am in now I want to trust yet theres so many things pointing to why I shouldn't because of the past. Yet I want to keep trying and believing that good I see, and dont want to run from the mess/issue/disaster (whatever youd like to call it), instead I see it as the other person running and not dealing because at least I want to try fix the issues. I know how i want life to be and that it can work if people try & believe, and communicate which I know has been my downfall for so long. Just like I was starting to trust again and I lost my faith & ability over something minor bcos I didn't communicate.... but this time yet again theres no chance for me. Why is it I give chance after chance after chance yet I don't get the same opportunity?

To me it just makes me realise that I will never be good enough, will always be in the wrong and even when I admit I am, they give up or don't want to even try. I also know there is no point making excuses for someone else because in the back of my mind I know that it just excuses the behavior and makes me look a complete idiot who doesn't seem to get it. When I do, I just want to believe the good in people even though those people ultimately end up being the ones who hurt me, I still want to keep trying. I guess it goes back to that old saying of we hurt the ones we love/care for the most.

I honestly am not sure if things will ever be ok, now due to this situation/mess I created because of not being ok with so many things in life/the situation and not wanting to admit them. I probably will lose the one person who I realized last year is important to me in so many ways I can't always explain, and there is not a thing I can do about it because, its their decision ultimately and I know from previous experience that things will just disappear like they did last time, no contact, nothing because its easier for them I guess... 

I hate that I'm feeling the last few months that I probably should ignore my feelings/emotions and run on auto-pilot of sorts. This would make some things a lil easier I guess. It's not like I wouldn't survive considering I've survived worse and I have my books/art/studies like last time and I was ok. At least then maybe it wouldn't feel like the one & only time I lied to them would keep getting thrown back at me.  I know I did it for the right reasons or what i felt were the right reasons, even if he never sees that. Considering it's not like he hasn't lied to me before about something even if completely minor, because we all know everyone lies at times. 

We don't always get the things we want in life but we try to do what's right for the ones we love/care about even if in the end it ends up being wrong. I am thankful though that I know understand when people say you know that you know, bcos I never believed that i thought that it was kinda crap bcos you should be able to explain that you know a certain feeling yet I now know that everyone whose said that to me was right. You really do just know when you know and you can't explain it. In my situation I wish I didn't but I also know it's why I will put them & what they want/need first because it's something I've always believed in. Even if it means hurting myself in the process... I've survived worse therefore I can survive that too. 

I just hope that one day all of this makes sense. Thst maybe one day that one person will at least understand and that they will forgive me and maybe try again with rebuilding what i seem to have broke... this person means so much and made me see things so differently yet gave up when I needed them most... I guess all I can really say is Sorry and maybe one day you'll be back in my life, who knows but I will say you make me smile when all I want to do is run and hide and even when things are crap you make me smile and believe. You bought me back to life even if it was short lived and I'm thankful for that. You will always mean something even if you never know. 

X

Will the pain ever go away?

Its now May 2015, so much in my life has changed dramatically. My physical pain is no longer due to my wonderful second specialist who performed the surgery which has let me walk etc again.

Unfortunately surgery can't erase emotional pain. I thought I could pretend to be ok, including telling someone who means so much to me that I'm ok, that I'm over it.

When in all honesty it's far from the truth. We don't choose who we fall for unfortunately and when you don't want to feel things you can't make feelings disappear... so now I'm pretending I'm ok bcos that one person expects me to be. Even tho its killing me inside. I don't know how to tell him everything, because I lost trust in him for many reasons the past year. I know I believe in him and see the good in him but I struggle to trust him due to broken promises and other reasons. 

I know I want to trust again because this person makes me smile when I want to hide & cry. Makes me feel better at the drop of a hat.... I just wish things could magically fall into place so I could do the right thing. Tell them what i need to say, explain and be able to trust. But i guess I need a miracle for that.

It also doesn't help when someone thinks they are better off not in your life and does things people would not be too impressed with or would classify as immoral etc. They've also decided you think the same way but yet its not like that.

It's bcos I care I hate seeing them destroy themselves. Making bad decisions, hurting themselves and giving themselves a bad rep. Yet thru it all  my feelings don't change yet... I'm realizing I have to pretend I'm ok and ignore how i feel so that you can go do what you want in ur life without feeling guilty bcos of me.

I hate that I'm having to make a decision again to ignore my feelings/emotions, basically shut down and just run on auto pilot because one of us needs to be happy and I figure it might as well be u. Why? Because I survived just sticking to myself with my books and art and studies and I know I can do it again.

We don't always get the things we want in life but we try to do what's right for the ones we love so i figure this is what I need to do.

Thank you for trying I am grateful and I do love you and I'm sorry I hurt you
Sempre x