Time...

They say Time heals all wounds, and that Time has a wonderful way of showing us what or whom really matters.  To me, Time is something that moves so quickly and yet doesn't help the healing process. Instead the more time ticks on the more I feel like nothing will be ok. It reminds me of all I have lost and all that I never will have in my life. It reminds me that people I went to school with or grew up with or even just people from the last few years, are all getting married, having babies and doing the things I wanted to do in my life. Yet, here I am with none of those things at all. 

Why? because I let my fears and anxieties dictate my actions, I let them take control of me instead of speaking up or showing what i want in my life/for my life. I let words I heard as a child cause me to be anxious and scared of things I want. I push those I care and love away because I am scared those words I heard growing up are true and that all I do is cause pain for those around me. As well as the fact that it makes me doubt they even care about me at all. 

Since my neice turned 5 all I have wanted is someone who loves me unconditionally, and I them, a family of my own and to be happy and know that no matter what happens in life I have them. 5 years on and sadly I lost someone who might have loved me, (i know they said they cared atleast), made a mess of anything and everything to do with that person and destroyed myself in the process too. What bites even more is I know what I feel towards them just doesn't go away. Time doesn't heal that feeling you have, that you are missing a part of you... Some nights I wake up in tears because it hurts and there is nothing I can do about it. How do you get over losing a big part of yourself by your own doing? I hate that I truly know how I feel and yet there is nothing I can do about it now because its too late... Too late to act on it, too late to tell that person, too late for me to have what i wanted in life. 

How can people say Time heals all wounds when it's been just about a year since yet again I said nothing and stood back and lost the one I know I love yet couldnt admit it.... Its also just about 2 years since I lost Andrea and god at times like this I wish she was still here because at least I could talk to her and she understood me. She didnt think i was stupid for being scared or anxious or for not being able to talk about things. Time doesnt heal these wounds, it just reminds me every day that I am very much alone in many aspects. It reminds me that the only things i have in my life is the business and my cat :( and as much as i love both its not the life I always wanted. Yes the cat loves me but its not a relationship or marriage or family. Yes the business has given me a biz family but thats not the same either... 

I have had people tell me lately that I should just say what I want and how I feel to someones face, yet I can't because I respect the fact that 1 they are in a relationship, 2 I respect their girlfriend enough as a woman to not cause trouble and to stay clear of them and 3, to me its just wrong to say because obviously if they had wanted or cared about me they wouldnt have jumped into everything with the person they are with now. Maybe thats a screwed way of seeing things *shrug* but its how i see them and I guess because of the last few months and how things have just become more and more distant, not that it was my choice. That I am feeling like I never mattered to them, that I was just a place holder the past few years and none of it was true. They just didnt want to be alone, and yet i fell in love with them and now cant change how I feel or ignore it because its painful... Or maybe I am just broken? 

I miss being able to come home and talk to that person and know that I am safe and cared for. I miss the hugs when I have had an extremely horrible day and the way he used to sing to me out of tune and off key to make me smile or the way he would surprise text me when I least expected it... I miss sunday night dinners out and walking at night back to the apartment. I miss the random sweet gestures and most of all i miss him winding me up just to then give me that cheeky grin and the look in his eyes :( I had the world and yet i lost it thru being scared and anxious and feeling like I didnt deserve it and that they were better off without me... now I probably will never know....

"The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved..."

This weekend has been one that has hit me with memories fast and plenty. Yet I kept myself from crying until tonight... A song triggered me to cry as it summed up everything from this weekend, All that I miss, All that I have lost and All I wish I could have back... I used to doubt the truth when people used to say "You don't know what you've got till its gone", But its true. You really don't and then when its gone you miss it like crazy and just want for it all to be back. 

I try not to beat myself up most days about whats happened yet this weekend has been one that has really been just a bit too much for me I think. I really do miss my life the way it was, with those that mean so much to me in it. Yet I have to be ok with the fact they are no longer in it, that I hurt them too much that they wont forgive me and that they aren't coming back. I wish I didn't feel like a piece of me is missing, yet i wake up every morning and that feeling is still there hitting me where it hurts and stays all day. Not once leaving my side, most nights I have to force myself to get some sleep yet i wake up in the middle of the night in tears because of the fact there's a piece of me missing. I don't remember the last time I slept thru the night since moving house because not once since all this happened have I managed to have a normal nights sleep. 

Yesterday was hard as it was day that didn't go to well and I felt really disheartened and like a failure coming home. When that used to happen he was there, he would always make things ok with a hug and a smile and remind me I am safe, I was loved and cared for and that its ok for things not to go as we want them sometimes Biz wise and life wise... Yet instead i felt like a failure and like i just keep making a mess of things with everything. Its hard to believe in yourself when no-one else does and your support person/your rock no longer exists. It reminds you that you are truly alone in this world. The good thing was as horrid as I was feeling I didn't give up and I didn't cry as much as I wanted to cry and be angry at the world for my life being as it is, i didn't. 

I just wish "He" was here for a hug and to know everything will be ok, that we'll survive like we always have and things will get better. Yet I know wishes don't come true and that things aren't going to be ok, if ever with some things. I know business wise I will keep sticking it out and keep going because I am determined to prove the naysayers wrong and keep doing what I love and hit my goals...
But as for my personal life is there anything to keep fighting for now after 3 months of this carry on with "him"? I don't want to give up that lil sliver of hope but considering it felt like he wanted to run me over twice last week I'm not sure there is any hope any more... 

I miss my bestfriend, my rock, my everything. I want to share the things that happen and yet I know I cant... because its like I don't exist to them anymore and I have to learn to just be ok with that even though it hurts every single day. He gave me the world and i pretty much destroyed it and everything along with it to the point that he now seems to be happier if i just disappeared. 4 years and I lost everything I ever wanted and didn't even tell him because I was too scared  and because I didn't really like myself that much and believed my mothers words to be true :( and I cant undo that because he wont even forgive me...  all i can do is remember the last time I felt safe and felt like I was home and know that I was at least loved once.