The past 2 weeks have been a bit up & down, As I finally arrived home in Wellington and had to start unpacking things. I'm lucky in the fact that I have a great flatmate who is understanding and caring and gets that sometimes life really does throw you lemons.
Which lately it feels like it's doing it constantly. I left so someone would be happy & better off, as well as hoping that distance and no contact would make all feelings disappear & like none of it ever happened. It didn't work, I can't just flick a switch to make my emotions/feelings go away. I also can't seem to do what I think is right for others because I get yelled at for it. I thought at least if one person was happy and getting what they want then it would all be worth it... Apparently not!
I really do wish there was a way to turn feelings/emotions off though because they just destroy people/things, they add complications. I have no idea what I am supposed to do in one aspect of my life which sucks big time. But i can hear what he said about I just have to deal/get over it bcos nothing changes it will always be this way.... which makes me still wonder why it all happened to begin with. Was I used? Was I a stand-in? Or have I always mattered but what's happened has destroyed anything possible? All these questions which I will probably never have an answer to. He does keep telling me that if I didn't matter he wouldn't be around or call or do anything but some days I wonder if it's out of guilt... How did life get so complicated and difficult?
To add to things, a day a go my bestfriend passed away. I am completely lost for words as she was only a few years older than me. Andrea was someone who was always there for me thru thick and thin as I was for her. We reminded each other to be brave and keep fighting. She always had a smile when we skyped etc no matter how she was feeling and that smile was infectious. I hate the idea that I now have to live in a world without her smile and laughter. Life really is unfair sometimes as I'm not ready to say goodbye to my bestie. . .
What scares me is that she was only a few years older than me although she leaves a legacy thru her 2 children. If I died what would I leave? Nothing... I'd just be dead, alone and dead and that scares me.
It bites when you know what you want in life yet it's just never going to happen. I had a taste of it yet I destroyed that and now live with the consequences everyday since.
I just hope Andrea knows how much we all loved her and how much we will miss her.
Fly free my amazing bestie xx
