Ho hum

So it's been just about a week since my birthday and quite honestly it was basically another crap day... a couple of texts received and that was it. I thought one person might have made a big deal or something but nope. Yet again I need to just learn I can't expect anything that way I won't get disappointed. 

Disappointment seems to be the keyword the past few years sadly. But it has taught me that I should only rely on myself no matter what the situation as its just easier and less painful.  Which i was reminded of earlier this week when i asked some one a question just to see what they said. Funnily enough they replied and acted exactly as i expected them to.  Lucky I already had decided that i would do things my way.

It's now only a few days till i leave the south and now I'm really not sure i am making the right decision.  Although i know opportunity wise it's a better decision to head home then stay, I hate the idea of going home to the unknown. The having to find a house I like in an area I'm ok with. Sorting out what's happening with work and just figuring out what i should be doing in my life, let alone who I want in my life.

I'm nervous scared and anxious about heading home and I feel it's only going to get worse as the next few days pass. Hopefully I will get over it once I get home......

Crash... Bang...

It's been one of those weeks where I am now physically and mentally exhausted from all that's happened.  Yet I am still trying to keep going even though I have no idea what I am supposed to be looking forward to in life, let alone what I'm supposed to believe in or who to believe in anymore. 

I do at least know that I am starting to put myself first even though it could hurt or annoy others but after the past few days I've realised that if I don't no-one else will. Everyone is always out for themselves and they don't care who they hurt or step on to get there.

I have less than 20 days till I leave to make a fresh start but I'm feeling pretty uncertain on that too  bcos as much as I want to believe life is what one makes it I'm not sure i can make it how i want or how i believe it should be when nothing I aim to achieve happens. Instead others ruin and destroy my dreams/goals/plans or just cause a general lack of trust.

I've lost so much the past few years and yet none of it was completely my fault and i can admit i did stuff some things up and make it worse but I'm probably the only one who will admit i stuffed up. It's also taught me not to let anyone in because as much as u trust people they will always hurt you.

The past few days has proved that considering I'm no longer staying where i was and instead am staying at a good friends place till i leave. Because  i didn't feel safe or ok for the past week or so at P 's place due to things.

I don't hold grudges and I still care but I can guarantee I won't hear from her for quite sometime if at all because she couldn't understand why I felt unsafe etc. I don't expect anyone to truly understand unless they've been in the same situation I've been in growing up.

I'm just grateful I'm learning to put myself first, not listen to others opinions on certain things and keep trying.  I just wish I knew what I do now a few years ago so I wouldn't have had to go through everything I have and would still have my life the way I had it before I got sucked into a vortex of pain and turmoil.

Life wouldn't be so confusing, let alone messy or anything else for that matter. I wouldn't feel like I've been used/abused, taken for granted and betrayed by people I believed in.

Life really is an interesting bag of crazy.