"When you say nothing at all.... "

It's been a quiet 7 days in some ways in my life, after being pushed aside like common trash by someone who always said I meant something to them... I guess I wasn't so important after all in someways as "Actions Speak Louder Than Words" as they say. It hurts and bites after being told it wasn't going to be like that after I come home. Sadly I am home and have been home for just over 3 weeks now and its basically showing me my fears always come true. How can one believe what you say when you go back on your word and say nothing at all.... 

Another reason my life is a lil quiet in some ways is because I had to change my mobile number due to unwanted messages from some I thought got the hint when I changed my plans and no longer made contact with them after being cornered by them on university grounds. Where even the University did not take the issues seriously, now I change my number and finally the university contacts me to deal with it... Totally not good enough in my opinion! They should have dealt with it when the issues first arose while we were in a class! instead I was made to look unprofessional and treated badly and they got away with their actions scot free! 

Luckily I have began moving forward and on Wednesday started the process of sorting my study for semester two with a different university and going back to something I love doing. Roll on semester 2 when I can start my Level 200 Classics Papers, sadly they are paired with a 100 Level stats paper that I now have to take to be able to start my 200level Psychology papers but thats ok, as much as I dislike Stats I guess I will get it done in order to have an exciting year in 2014 study wise.

The past week has been a lil like living in my own personal hell, because as much as I love the fact friends are having babies and got to celebrate mothers day etc I am left feeling hurt due to what I lost with an ex awhile back and reminded that it just wont happen for me. Its not on the books for me to have. Its like I have to put my happy face on for everyone because its not fair on them to know that their happy moments are secretly hurting me.  I guess thats something I will just have to live with as its not like anyone can help and at least while they dont know its ok.. At least I succeeded in getting out of attending a baby shower since no-one bothered to actually tell me when it was being held (great organisational skills)....

I had an interesting job interview yesterday for a store I rather like but I am trying not to get my hopes up as I don't want another kick to the guts if i don't get it...

I have decided on a plan at least for the next few months.Which basically is just to focus on going to the gym and saving for my trip next year and getting ready to go back to a sport I enjoy.  Focusing on this even if it puts me in a "bubble" as someone calls it at least means the pain goes away and things get a lil easier... 

Hopefully as time goes on I can at least live in my own lil bubble and not have to be  like i have been the past few months :)

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes......

So many changes, and yet everything is still the same... Words I always heard growing up from the parent seem to be ringing true more and more these days.... As my life falls apart more, the more this year keeps plowing forward. 

To be honest I wish I could turn back time to this time last year in 2012 where I could prevent so much and not have to feel as I do these days.  
- My bank balance wouldn't look so bad
- I wouldn't be hurting emotionally like I am
- I wouldn't be having to purchase furniture again! 
- I would be feeling settled and sorted and not a mess a lot of the time

Instead sadly there is no time machine or any possible way of turning back time and so I am left trying to figure out how to keep going without losing the plot. Trying to forget the past year and pretend like it never happened so that in some ways I can keep going without falling apart. 

Yet through it all, All I can hear is my mothers words about deserving to be as I am and never deserving to be happy etc. To be honest I am starting think she is probably right, because what have I done or achieved in this life to be happy? I know generally people say always look on the bright side, but honestly what is bright about things I have been through? 

So far this life has taught me that those I trust will always hurt me and that I am better off not trusting anyone and staying clear of people in order to make it through the day. Why care or trust anyone when all they do is hurt you and take you for granted/use you? Even family seem to be like that. 

I made some changes a few weeks ago in the hopes some would finally leave me alone and stop harassing me due to a certain situation in my life, but apparently that doesn't work. Although I guess they finally may leave me the hell alone now they have finally got what they wanted..... The situation to no longer exist due to the fact I guess someone and I will no longer have contact after something thats happened today.... 

Just when you think life may slowly be getting a little better a bombshell is dropped that makes you realise life isn't finished kicking your ass to the ground and hurting you... But i guess with the news I should be happy for them but how can you support and be happy for someone when you know its going to end up being a disaster and dont want to watch it happen.....  I cant! I finally have realised I cant support something I dont believe is right, and in turn am probably hurting someone I care about. But with the bombshell they dropped I guess it probably doesn't matter as it will be like I never existed once their bombshell is actioned... 

So I guess I just have to figure out how to just pretend the past year never happened and just get my life back how it was before.... *sigh* at least now I have my close friends at hand since one of the changes I made happened two weeks ago and I am back where I belong...  I may never get what I wanted from life, be doing a degree and job I dont want to do because it reminds me of the fact i will never have my own family or anything of that matter but at least I feel at home..... 

I guess the next few months will be the start of getting back to life as it was before this time last year happened.....