So much has changed in the last 6 months, and most of it not how I had imagined or planned or even wanted the changes to be like... Heck I am sitting here wondering how the hell things got so messed up and honestly - I just don't know anymore.
What I do know is there's a piece missing from my life and I can't fix it. I cant bring it back and I cant just magically make it appear. I have to accept that the piece will always be missing and try to just be ok with that, because it was not my choice for that piece to be missing from my life. That piece made the decision themselves and I have no idea why... One minute we were having a pretty normal conversation and then silence, and its been like that ever since. I have a pretty good idea what exactly happened but without that piece telling me Its all just an idea no firm facts. But all in all, what I do know is its me that's hurting, Its me that loses something that matters to me. Me that loses something/someone i valued dearly even if I have for the last few years/months whatever struggled to answer one question they always held over me...
I never thought I could feel like I did when I made the decision to leave and pretend that piece of my life never existed, yet I can honestly say the past few weeks that in actual fact I feel it more now then I did then. Maybe because this time it seems so final, like my life will never have this piece back in it. That i lost something so important to me and this time its not coming back and I have no idea what I did wrong, no idea why its me that always gets hurt and me that suffers the consequences while the others get what they want and can pretend like i never existed. Did everything mean nothing to them? Was I just nothing? were they really in my life for the reasons they said? or was it all just lies? something so they didnt have to be alone? or some torturous game to destroy me so they can get their kicks?
All of those questions swimming around in my head because I have no answers, I may never have any answers, and thats the bit that hurts the most. This one person who said they would never let someone tell them they cant be in my life, who always tells me to keep fighting for what i believe in, who said they want to fix things... Just up and disappears from my life for no reason :( and just leaves me feeling like its all my fault. Left me questioning what I did wrong, why people can say one thing and yet do another :(
I just do not get it anymore, but I have lost that one person I could talk to about anything and everything, who would be there no matter what and I could laugh and cry with and they would always remind me it was ok to do either. I dont even know if they realise how much they meant to me or why.... All i can do is hope that they have an amazing life and get everything they want out of it.
While I try to pretend there isnt some piece missing from my life and try to achieve the goals I keep setting myself and hope like hell I dont keep screwing up like i have the past four or so years :(
I know Life is what you make it and even when life fell to pieces during my injury etc I kept fighting through and I know thats what I will continue to do but sometimes its a lot harder when you dont have that support you used to have. Or when you lose that person that you always turn to and you dont know why... How do you keep focusing on goals when theres no one to celebrate your successes with? Especially when is there any point achieving when that person ceases to exist in your life?
