Yep that's me the past week or two, putting on a happy face. Why? because I am having to watch people I am friends with about to go through something I have always wanted to, yet I will never get to. As much I am happy for them and love the fact they are happy and getting want they want etc. Its bittersweet because they are going through something I always thought I would do and would have done by now. Sadly I have been coming to terms the past few years with the fact that its just never going to happen in my life. My life has taken a different course to what I had dreamed and wanted and there is no point fighting it or wishing for it to change because it wont happen.
I was content and happy as I was till I was faced with this basically every day for the past two months since coming home from Auckland. I am happy for them don't get me wrong, but its all part of the reason I didn't want to get back into teaching. I don't want to be reminded everyday about being forever alone. Because as much as I am ok with that and have things to focus on, having to help someone who is in need due to their pregnancy is kinda hurting like hell... No one seems to really understand why either. Its so frustrating!
I am rather looking forward to being able to go home and get into a routine and start back at uni. At least it will give me something to focus on and take my mind of the shite of the past year or so. I guess one thing I have learned the past year is, I shouldn't try with anything other than what Im good at.... studying and reading.... because anything else ends in disaster.
11 days until Uni starts back and I cant believe I am actually counting down the days but its the one thing giving me something to focus on. I'm supposed to be having a birthday dinner a week after my birthday but I'm already thinking of cancelling it. Every year I just would rather it not happen, this year I'm feeling extremely old. Maybe its due to all the shite I have been through the past year, The loss of friends, the backstabbing, harassment, regret and everything else; but I just wish I could make it not happen at all... I cant even think of a single thing I have achieved in the past year....
At least the past few weeks I have been able to get back into my reading and powered through a few books. Heck Im even looking forward to reading the required readings for my Classics Papers (Yep Im a freak)...
I just wish in some ways I could have a refund on 2013 because this year has so far been worse then 2012. Yet Im still the one making sure everyone else is ok, supporting them emotionally and otherwise and putting on the im ok dont worry about me face and helping others, when whose really been there for me? Emotionally supporting me? because as much as a couple of people say they support me, they are not really there when i need them.... so from here on in... Maybe I need to just go back to me and only me and not say or do anything for anyone or to anyone.... Then life will start coming back to how it was where there was no hassles and i could just focus on what needed to be done and do it.
