Courage...

It's taken me a lot to finally sit down and write this post, WHY? because I have no idea who even reads my blog let alone pays attention to it... Lately I have learned that it doesn't matter who reads it if anyone reads it at all. I have been learning that who gives a Rats Ass, if anyone reads it or if anyone likes me or not. Why should I have to be what everyone else wants me to be? I shouldn't.

I have spent far too much time the last few years worrying about what everyone thinks or how I come across to people instead of just being me and being ok with it. I know it started long before I met *him* and the drama that ensued that first year or even the years since. I also know its not fully his fault either. BUT I have realised that I am no longer going to waste time worrying about what peoples opinions are or how they think or feel when it comes to me... I am Me, I do not need to please everyone or anyone as long as I live my life right which means keeping my morals, having faith and hope, believing in myself and being happy! I do not have to consider things others tell me IE: someone telling me I shouldn't be friends with X,Y,Z, or that I cant do something etc. I have the right and will make my decisions based on my beliefs and what i feel is right.

It's take a long time to be ok with these things considering so much of it started when I met *him* and had people causing trouble left, right and centre, and I was too weak and lacking confidence to stand my ground or fight back. I did do what I felt was right in my heart and lost people and that's ok too. I know they weren't true friends if they caused crap and disappeared so quickly when I didn't do what they wanted. I have come through so much the past two years especially and it took the better part of 16mnths from surgery to just be at peace with my spinal injury/surgery and that it had no explanations. Which was hard for me because i run with facts and science and there was nothing to back what happened up, it was just a freak accident of an injury. Sadly it has also meant I have damaged/pushed away some people I thought would always be there, but as I am learning those that are meant to be in your life do come back. 

I have found I can stand my ground more now and am learning that I do not have to put up with people who treat me like they can pick me up/put me down whenever they feel like it. I have also learned to fight back when someone tells me that I cant be friends or should walk away from someone etc. I do not have to do what they say because I am me and I am strong and follow my heart and my beliefs when I make decisions and to hell what others think of me and going against what they want. 

I have found things that make me smile everyday, yes some days are harder than others, some days I still find I cry because someone is missing in my life. but I have learned that its ok to shed a tear or two and that at least I have some memories that can make me smile, although sometimes they are a little bittersweet when i realise i may never have that again. The great thing is at least I can say I have lived and followed what i believe to be the right thing to do, even if I have broken and trashed my heart and keep to myself a lil more these days. I find happiness in finding my strengths, and am amazed how much i have changed in so many ways. 

Life may not be what or where I thought it would be this year but at least I can Smile and know my worth and that I deserve to be happy and loved. Something I couldnt even say 12months ago which caused me to pretty much destroy something in my life that meant so much to me. Granted it wasnt just me that destroyed it gradually but i feel most responsible because of how i was and things. But as long as I am alive, can walk and just be me then i am still alive and will not stop living... 

In saying that, yesterday I started a 6 week shred programme at the gym, something I never thought I would do but I only live once so why not! so tonight is our first bootcamp and I am a lil scared because our tuesday sessions are in public areas and not at the gym! But I am going and I will hold my head high and do it because I am not the scared shy meek person i was at the start of this year :) 

Time...

They say Time heals all wounds, and that Time has a wonderful way of showing us what or whom really matters.  To me, Time is something that moves so quickly and yet doesn't help the healing process. Instead the more time ticks on the more I feel like nothing will be ok. It reminds me of all I have lost and all that I never will have in my life. It reminds me that people I went to school with or grew up with or even just people from the last few years, are all getting married, having babies and doing the things I wanted to do in my life. Yet, here I am with none of those things at all. 

Why? because I let my fears and anxieties dictate my actions, I let them take control of me instead of speaking up or showing what i want in my life/for my life. I let words I heard as a child cause me to be anxious and scared of things I want. I push those I care and love away because I am scared those words I heard growing up are true and that all I do is cause pain for those around me. As well as the fact that it makes me doubt they even care about me at all. 

Since my neice turned 5 all I have wanted is someone who loves me unconditionally, and I them, a family of my own and to be happy and know that no matter what happens in life I have them. 5 years on and sadly I lost someone who might have loved me, (i know they said they cared atleast), made a mess of anything and everything to do with that person and destroyed myself in the process too. What bites even more is I know what I feel towards them just doesn't go away. Time doesn't heal that feeling you have, that you are missing a part of you... Some nights I wake up in tears because it hurts and there is nothing I can do about it. How do you get over losing a big part of yourself by your own doing? I hate that I truly know how I feel and yet there is nothing I can do about it now because its too late... Too late to act on it, too late to tell that person, too late for me to have what i wanted in life. 

How can people say Time heals all wounds when it's been just about a year since yet again I said nothing and stood back and lost the one I know I love yet couldnt admit it.... Its also just about 2 years since I lost Andrea and god at times like this I wish she was still here because at least I could talk to her and she understood me. She didnt think i was stupid for being scared or anxious or for not being able to talk about things. Time doesnt heal these wounds, it just reminds me every day that I am very much alone in many aspects. It reminds me that the only things i have in my life is the business and my cat :( and as much as i love both its not the life I always wanted. Yes the cat loves me but its not a relationship or marriage or family. Yes the business has given me a biz family but thats not the same either... 

I have had people tell me lately that I should just say what I want and how I feel to someones face, yet I can't because I respect the fact that 1 they are in a relationship, 2 I respect their girlfriend enough as a woman to not cause trouble and to stay clear of them and 3, to me its just wrong to say because obviously if they had wanted or cared about me they wouldnt have jumped into everything with the person they are with now. Maybe thats a screwed way of seeing things *shrug* but its how i see them and I guess because of the last few months and how things have just become more and more distant, not that it was my choice. That I am feeling like I never mattered to them, that I was just a place holder the past few years and none of it was true. They just didnt want to be alone, and yet i fell in love with them and now cant change how I feel or ignore it because its painful... Or maybe I am just broken? 

I miss being able to come home and talk to that person and know that I am safe and cared for. I miss the hugs when I have had an extremely horrible day and the way he used to sing to me out of tune and off key to make me smile or the way he would surprise text me when I least expected it... I miss sunday night dinners out and walking at night back to the apartment. I miss the random sweet gestures and most of all i miss him winding me up just to then give me that cheeky grin and the look in his eyes :( I had the world and yet i lost it thru being scared and anxious and feeling like I didnt deserve it and that they were better off without me... now I probably will never know....

"The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved..."

This weekend has been one that has hit me with memories fast and plenty. Yet I kept myself from crying until tonight... A song triggered me to cry as it summed up everything from this weekend, All that I miss, All that I have lost and All I wish I could have back... I used to doubt the truth when people used to say "You don't know what you've got till its gone", But its true. You really don't and then when its gone you miss it like crazy and just want for it all to be back. 

I try not to beat myself up most days about whats happened yet this weekend has been one that has really been just a bit too much for me I think. I really do miss my life the way it was, with those that mean so much to me in it. Yet I have to be ok with the fact they are no longer in it, that I hurt them too much that they wont forgive me and that they aren't coming back. I wish I didn't feel like a piece of me is missing, yet i wake up every morning and that feeling is still there hitting me where it hurts and stays all day. Not once leaving my side, most nights I have to force myself to get some sleep yet i wake up in the middle of the night in tears because of the fact there's a piece of me missing. I don't remember the last time I slept thru the night since moving house because not once since all this happened have I managed to have a normal nights sleep. 

Yesterday was hard as it was day that didn't go to well and I felt really disheartened and like a failure coming home. When that used to happen he was there, he would always make things ok with a hug and a smile and remind me I am safe, I was loved and cared for and that its ok for things not to go as we want them sometimes Biz wise and life wise... Yet instead i felt like a failure and like i just keep making a mess of things with everything. Its hard to believe in yourself when no-one else does and your support person/your rock no longer exists. It reminds you that you are truly alone in this world. The good thing was as horrid as I was feeling I didn't give up and I didn't cry as much as I wanted to cry and be angry at the world for my life being as it is, i didn't. 

I just wish "He" was here for a hug and to know everything will be ok, that we'll survive like we always have and things will get better. Yet I know wishes don't come true and that things aren't going to be ok, if ever with some things. I know business wise I will keep sticking it out and keep going because I am determined to prove the naysayers wrong and keep doing what I love and hit my goals...
But as for my personal life is there anything to keep fighting for now after 3 months of this carry on with "him"? I don't want to give up that lil sliver of hope but considering it felt like he wanted to run me over twice last week I'm not sure there is any hope any more... 

I miss my bestfriend, my rock, my everything. I want to share the things that happen and yet I know I cant... because its like I don't exist to them anymore and I have to learn to just be ok with that even though it hurts every single day. He gave me the world and i pretty much destroyed it and everything along with it to the point that he now seems to be happier if i just disappeared. 4 years and I lost everything I ever wanted and didn't even tell him because I was too scared  and because I didn't really like myself that much and believed my mothers words to be true :( and I cant undo that because he wont even forgive me...  all i can do is remember the last time I felt safe and felt like I was home and know that I was at least loved once. 

Life flashes before ones eyes...

It's funny, I saw someone's post on Instagram and it said "when your life flashes before your eyes, will it be worth watching?" It reminded me of when I went in for spinal surgery. As the medication started working to knock me out and seeing bits of life and my dreams and what I love... Now seeing that quote today it makes me realise I've lost so much this year and sadly I have to learn to be ok with that and just be.

I get that my life as it stands is not what I want to watch if it flashes before my eyes but I can say and be ok with the fact I know I was loved once. That I can say I have been in love once too and I screwed it up but at least I have known love. Love is what keeps you going, keeps the smile on your face and stops you from giving up on everything. Love doesn't always happen so when it finds you, you should hold on tight and enjoy it while it lasts. Don't push it away, but don't force it either. It is to be cherished, honoured and enjoyed so don't ever take it for granted like I did...

Because life is a lot more painful when it's gone, memories can haunt your dreams. They can affect you when you least expect it, those times when you feel everything is ok and then it hits you... Hits you hard. Yet you just have to keep slapping on a happy face and get thru it because you can't let anyone know it's destroying you... Because people always leave even if it's your fault they leave..

Realisations, Wishes & just remembering to Breathe. . .

Lately when I think about all that's happened the past few months it makes me wonder how things got so screwed up. How did I manage to make so many things worse than what they should be? 


Realised the past few days I haven't let someone know how much I actually appreciate them appreciate the things they do for me, the fact they are always there for me and support me etc. I've kinda let them down in that department and taken them for granted in some ways. The crap thing is now that I see my mistakes I can't get a second chance to fix these. I want to apologise for them but I can't even do that because that person hasn't even read my apology from 4weeks ago. When I apologised for things that caused the rift and for us now to pretty much be strangers to each other. 

A lot of it is due to my anxiety to which I have been learning to get better at handling. Learning to deal with so much the past few months which I know is a good thing. Although it's a lot harder when the one person you want to be there when you just need 1 person, 1 person to support you, to be there when you just need a hug or a smile or to make you laugh. It's funny that person had been wanting me to deal with things for so long, the better part of four years and it's taken losing them to do so... 

I've pushed them away so far that I'm not sure they'll ever come back. What hurts more is the fact I finally get that it's ok to want things and that I'm allowed to get what I want too and be happy instead of what I was always told growing up by the parent. That I didn't deserve to be happy, that no-one would care and love me and I deserved to be alone because she blamed me for all her unhappiness and misery. She blamed me for her poor choices and even blamed me for what happened to me as a child when it wasn't my fault. She didn't put me first and I guess that's why I've punished myself for so long, made sure others were happy and getting what they wanted and believed her words. Why I pushed those I loved & cared for away and now can't change the fact I lost someone I love. Someone I ran from because I didn't want to admit to myself, let alone them that I loved them. That after four years I do love them and that what's happened makes it so much worse as now I have lost my chance, lost them and everything. I can't ignore what I feel or try to bury it because it hits me when I least expect it. 

I know I can't run away again like i did last time, even though I wish I could but I know I have to face things. Face my life and the consequences of my actions and in-actions with these situations. I wish I could though so maybe this would be a little easier, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. I know I have be happy knowing at least I'm alive and can feel things and that, that person is happy in their life with their decisions. I have to believe that they are better off and happier without me around and just be ok. 

Take one step at a time and just breathe even if it's the only thing I do today :) 

one of those days.....

Yesterday was probably one of the worst birthdays since I was a little kid. I can say that though because I survived it and all its crumminess. There was a few good points and I am still totally thankful I'm alive and can just do things. I keep finding the silver linings which as we all know is the right thing to do, but boy is it hard sometimes. 

Throughout the day there was moments where I found myself in tears because my life as I knew it is gone. My world/life has changed so dramatically the past 2 years and I could've changed some of it and didn't. Hence the tears, because on days like yesterday it hits me that I had so much and i lost it. Lost it because of my insecurities and fears let alone the fact for so long I never believed I deserved things in my life. mostly due to what i was told growing up and being told for most of my life. Now I know I do deserve the good things in my life yet I possibly have stuffed some of that up and I'm not sure I can fix it now. 

Yesterday all I wanted was a hug from the one person who can make me smile at the drop of a hat, make me laugh and feel like nothing is ever as wrong as it seems... He's the one whose made me realise as much as I do things for other people that I deserve to put me first and its ok to be happy too... Yet he is part of what makes me smile and makes me happy as he helps me be the person I want to be. In four years its the second birthday where he has not said a word to me, no contact at all and it hurts so much. I thought writing and giving him my apology letter 3 weeks ago would have meant that at least by this week we would at least have talked about it and be back to trying to at least be civil to each other. 

Instead it is like I don't exist, I am just another face in the crowd if that... I kinda feel like I did last year where it seemed like he would be happier if i was dead and buried... Im not sure if its actually what or how he wants things but its how it feels... 

Whatever happened to the one who told me to not give up on them? that our friendship etc was worth sticking by and that whatever happened they werent walking away again? He knows my biggest fear is losing him from my life for good and him walking away.... Yet thats exactly what he has done and it hurts like f**k...  I miss my bestfriend, my rock, the one person who pushes me to be the best i can be and i actually like the person i was becoming with him around...

I guess though just like before I have learned to keep going, smile through the pain and act like everything is ok because that is what people expect. I know I also have to focus on the business and look after me. Although the look after me thing is a work in progress, I am enjoying going to the gym 6 times a week and just enjoying what im doing there without worrying about the results.
Ive also been giving myself me time early in the morning on the days I do Aqua instead of the gym by still going early and just reading weither it be a book for the biz or something i just want to read. As well as writing to my penpal in the Oh so happy mail project by FMS.  So I am still doing things for me just things that dont cost and dont cause dramas because I really do not need any drama llamas :)

So as much as I had a crap birthday, do not want to acknowledge my life seems to be no where near what I want or thought for this age... At least I am alive, I can walk and I am mostly happy. 

Just keep Swimming...

These past two weeks I have tried to just keep myself busy. Focusing on gym/swimming training and the business. Trying not to think or think to much,because thinking will led to me getting upset and hurt and angry all over again. The biz is doing ok although my bookings dropped which is making it harder for my goal this month so I have to make new plans this week 🙂 The gym is good though 6kgs gone in 6wks 🙂 Although not sure if that's related to the stress of the last 2 months and losing my bestfriend.... 


The thing is I know it's not all my fault, I know that it took two of us to create the disaster that it is. Not even sure what to call it anymore because I'm not sure it was even a proper friendship let alone anything else looking back. Why? Because in a friendship you support each other, care and give time, attention and many other things too. Which to me a lot of the time these little things were lacking here. Sometimes I felt completely alone even when they said they were here and were listening, you could tell their mind was elsewhere and even tho physically present they weren't invested. It's hard too because even though it wasn't perfect and things could've been a hell of a lot better I miss that, I miss them and yet I'm now powerless to fix any of it. 

How? 
Because I apologised for my part in everything falling apart, I apologised for myself and my thoughts and actions or inactions as they may be. I apologised and asked for forgiveness and have been ignored. The ball as people say was left in the other persons court and looks like completely ignored. To be honest I'm not even sure they read my apology letter since they wouldn't give me time to actually give my apology like I wanted to, heck id finally got the courage to do so and ended up having to write it... It hurts that this person said they wouldn't leave after last time and yet they have, knowing that it's part of what has caused the issues, anxiety and things last time. They've left me and taken a piece of me with then I'll never get back. They knew I've always said and felt that everyone leaves and tried to tell me it's not true yet they've left twice now, how can I not see and believe people always leave when they've done it? 

Some days I wish I could feel nothing, just feel numb no emotion nothing as maybe it would make it easier? Somedays are hard especially when that person connected to them gives me a smug look that makes me feel like dog poop. I hate that this person can ignore everything that's happened and act like I never existed. That he can just ignore the fact he has my things and not return them. That we went through so much in four years yet he acts like I'm dead and never existed. 

I miss my bestfriend, the person who become my bestfriend without trying. The one who accepted me for me and helped me become a better person, a person I actually was starting to like. A person who was slowly overcoming her fears as she had someone she trusted with her whole being and knew wouldn't judge or leave. The person who was helping her become who she wanted to be and not hate herself or be who she was told she was since day dot. Now I'm just the person I was told I am, the one who ruins everything she touches and the likes. Because as much as I try to be nice, caring, loyal, happy, confident and not anxious it doesn't happen I keep falling on my face lately and making things worse... Yet I have to smile and pretend everything is ok for the outside world to see bcos I'm the person who makes sure everyone else is ok and happy no matter what.

I don't want to have my birthday this week because it truly will be just another day and another reminder that the one person hates me, won't forgive me and I'm everything my mother said I am growing up 😞 if I could just have one wish for my birthday it would be to have my friend back and a hug but I know it's not possible when he acts like I don't exist 😔

So I just have to keep swimming and trying I guess even though it hurts like hell being me.