Losing a Piece of me, my life... without a goodbye.

So much has changed in the last 6 months, and most of it not how I had imagined or planned or even wanted the changes to be like... Heck I am sitting here wondering how the hell things got so messed up and honestly - I just don't know anymore.

What I do know is there's a piece missing from my life and I can't fix it. I cant bring it back and I cant just magically make it appear. I have to accept that the piece will always be missing and try to just be ok with that, because it was not my choice for that piece to be missing from my life. That piece made the decision themselves and I have no idea why...  One minute we were having a pretty normal conversation and then silence, and its been like that ever since.  I have a pretty good idea what exactly happened but without that piece telling me Its all just an idea no firm facts. But all in all, what I do know is its me that's hurting, Its me that loses something that matters to me. Me that loses something/someone i valued dearly even if I have for the last few years/months whatever struggled to answer one question they always held over me...

I never thought I could feel like I did when I made the decision to leave and pretend that piece of my life never existed, yet I can honestly say the past few weeks that in actual fact I feel it more now then I did then. Maybe because this time it seems so final, like my life will never have this piece back in it. That i lost something so important to me and this time its not coming back and I have no idea what I did wrong, no idea why its me that always gets hurt and me that suffers the consequences while the others get what they want and can pretend like i never existed. Did everything mean nothing to them? Was I just nothing? were they really in my life for the reasons they said? or was it all just lies? something so they didnt have to be alone? or some torturous game to destroy me so they can get their kicks?

All of those questions swimming around in my head because I have no answers, I may never have any answers, and thats the bit that hurts the most. This one person who said they would never let someone tell them they cant be in my life, who always tells me to keep fighting for what i believe in, who said they want to fix things... Just up and disappears from my life for no reason :( and just leaves me feeling like its all my fault. Left me questioning what I did wrong, why  people can say one thing and yet do another :(

I just do not get it anymore, but I have lost that one person I could talk to about anything and everything, who would be there no matter what and I could laugh and cry with and they would always remind me it was ok to do either. I dont even know if they realise how much they meant to me or why.... All i can do is hope that they have an amazing life and get everything they want out of it.

While I try to pretend there isnt some piece missing from my life and try to achieve the goals I keep setting myself and hope like hell I dont keep screwing up like i have the past four or so years :(

I know Life is what you make it and even when life fell to pieces during my injury etc I kept fighting through and  I know thats what I will continue to do but sometimes its a lot harder when you dont have that support you used to have. Or when you lose that person that you always turn to and you dont know why... How do you keep focusing on goals when theres no one to celebrate your successes with? Especially when is there any point achieving when that person ceases to exist in your life?

"Colpo di fulmine..."

I found one of my favorite quotes from a book my bestie Andrea gave to me a few years ago and it has had me thinking quite a lot the past few weeks...

 “You can play it safe, and I wouldn't blame you for it. You can continue as you've been doing, and you'll survive, but is that what you want? Is that enough?”
― J.M. Darhower, Sempre

Everyone can say I've played it safe throughout my whole life. In a way they are probably right, because I will always do what I see is the right thing to do. The right thing being no-one but me gets hurt, because that way others are happy, others don't feel pain over a situation and I know that my actions were ones that were performed not to hurt others. This probably all goes back to being told I destroyed my mothers relationship and didn't deserve the happiness and life I want when I get older...

I have done things in my life to make me look normal to everyone looking in. Dated/relationships/sex because even though I had the heebiejeebies and didn't feel safe with/from the other person I didn't want people to think or see me is anything different or from the norm and I guess in some way I thought that if I kept making myself pretend to feel etc then maybe it would become reality. Then I realised just before my 29th Birthday that I just shouldn't be putting myself in these situations. I couldn't continue to live my life as a lie, pretending I liked this person/people, wanted these people or even that I felt safe. So I started to change me, my life & who was in it and what I did. I figured if the shrink etc was right and I may never feel safe with someone or may only have a one in a million chance of feeling safe with someone in a relationship sense then why lie and pretend I was happy and ok in these relationships. So I decided to change - 

I found goals, inspiration and even the courage to start dealing with the things I had grown up hearing. Words my mother had said, which after hearing so long I believe. My friends Pip & Andrea, helped as I became someone who found herself, what she believed in, what she liked and most of all what made me happy. I found I could be happy on my own, just enjoying the simple things in life like a book. I have always been one who could live happily inside a book even from a young age I was told. I was ok on my own, I didn't need a relationship to be happy and hey if the shrink was right then I probably wouldn't find that one in a million person who I feel completely safe with so I began learning to be ok with that, coming to peace with it as they say. Along with learning to be at peace with not having my own children, the dream I had of a husband, a child or two, a couple of pets and a house and the life I had wanted to create with their help, for me and for them/with them. My days were simple in some ways, get up do my morning routine, go to work, come home, go to the gym, eat, read go to sleep and repeat. I'd see my friends when we weren't busy, which when you live some distance from them makes it a lil hard but we'd chat online and on the phone :)

Life was simple, uncomplicated and easy, a calm and peace in a way I guess.... a few years later someone made me realize that I wasn't really living. I was existing but not living, which is why that quote from Sempre, seems so fitting even now.... because I'm still now only playing it safe, doing in a way what I've always done and just carrying on. Pretending I am ok with how things are in my life, I still have my goals and I am still striving to achieve them, BUT and yep its probably a BIG but! I am doing things to make life easier for others, and being scared to put my feelings/emotions/wants on the line because of how the last few years have affected me. I am scared to put it in to audible words, I can write these things, but because I am scared to hurt others due to how it could affect me too or the consequences of it and how bad things could get I am scared. I'm scared that if I put them into audible that my mothers words will come true..... Especially when I know I am happy and enjoying my life on my own with my kitty and focusing on my studies and the new business I started this year. 

Yet on the other hand what has "Playing it safe" done for me, especially this past year?  In the past year I have tried to erase someone from my life & everything I have felt. I have stopped saying how and what I feel and started bottling up things because I am scared I would disappoint people or that I would hurt or upset them. I have let the words I have worked so hard to not let affect my life anymore seep back in and start believing them for many reasons. I have felt unworthy and like someone wanted me dead and that they didn't care and I didn't mean anything to them, I have blamed my injury and how I was feeling because of it. I let my thoughts become reality in some ways..... I thought I was doing the right thing, "Playing it safe" and now I am learning and realising that what I thought was right is not always right, its not even about right or wrong but more how we do/approach/see things etc and its taken me till this weekend and pretty much destroying something important to me and hurting someone important to start seeing how "Playing it safe"  Believing in what I think is right & being stubborn and determined how screwed up it has become....  -

How could bottling up my feelings & emotions and pretending I am ok be good for anyone especially me? Instead its become this mess which has basically been eating me up from the inside, out  and causing me to be someone I am not. I have hurt people with words and actions and not seeing I was doing so, sometimes I could and yet decided that they were hurting me so what did it matter? It does matter an awful lot actually, because those people may have been hurting me but only in retaliation of what I had already said and done to hurt them. They have no idea what I have had bottled up and exploding & eating me up inside, because I thought I was doing the right thing. Someone said to me many times in the past few years a quote which as much as I remember it I probably should have listened to it instead of ignoring it and being so stubborn or determined... 

"Sometimes, What you think maybe the wrong decision, is actually the right one... and it could possibly change your life."

 My decision to not say things out loud, has caused more harm then good to not only myself but to someone else as well. I know I did it because I thought its was the right thing to do for both of us. I thought I was expected to be the good supportive friend who felt nothing, I wanted to be that friend that they believed in. I wanted to prove I was OK, and I didn't need anyone, That I wasn't that person I grew up hearing. That I was 110% happy on my own without anyone being a part of that. That I could put everything I felt aside and just be a good supportive caring person and friend who was there for others and that's what was expected of me. I also did it because I feel like I don't matter to them, that I am the frigid, horrible, selfish, hateful person they say I am when they are angry.  I have felt for so long that they never meant the little few words they said to me, Why? because I feel like don't deserve them in my life. That they are what I was told growing up, someone who was just pretending to care, because who could care about me when I destroy things and not worth loving. All because I have lost sight and belief in the person I have become on my own merits/terms. The one who had faced those words and learnt I was better than that. That I could be the person I wanted to be because I could chose to ignore those words and learn on my own terms to be ok with everything and chose me over her words.  Funny how doing what you think is the right thing to do ends up being the wrong thing, it ends up you being eaten up from the inside out from your emotions and feelings you have been bottling and hiding, it causes you to become the thing you hate and resent. It also ends up causing you to hurt the ones you care so much about. It causes you to push them past breaking point to where they would rather be around and with anyone than you, that they would rather you disappear than be present. 


Now that I am in that exact position, I have no idea how to fix it, I am not even sure I can to be honest. If I was them I would hate me too and want to walk away. I also know that I wouldn't trust me or want to know me. They were the one who taught me to fight for what I believe in and fight for what I want.. But how do I fight when they have made their decisions? Isn't it better to just leave them to it because they are happy?  and this is where the morality debate comes in... My morals and beliefs remind me that I don't want to hurt/upset/anger anyone... I want others to be happy and who am I to affect that. So how do you fight for what you want and believe in when you are in a situation that you have no control over and know that you are probably the one whose going to end up the most hurt? Why voice these things? 


I know I haven't said anything fully in forever, for so many reasons. Mostly because I am afraid and feel that playing it safe and doing what I have always done means it doesn't hurt quite as much... but I guess another part of me kicks myself because this time I know what I feel is not me pretending. I'm scared of the fact I feel safe with this person, that this person adds that extra 10% to my 100% happiness, that they actually truly do support me and believe in me, That I need to admit the one thing I don't even want to admit to myself. Yet I need to admit to myself and to them...

 I actually know what I feel, and I am scared that its too late... But I also know I don't want to play it safe and I don't want to continue as I have been anymore... I want to be the person I was a few years ago, I want to be more than that in fact. I want to be stronger, more confident, not afraid to be the real Me.... One that they can be proud of, instead of ashamed of, angry with and disappointed and hurt with.... I want to fight for what I want, I want to tell them what the problem is and why...

 But is it all Too Little, Too Late?  Probably too late and time to take flight instead of fight because there's nothing left fighting for anymore. Decisions are taken out of my hand and they no longer believe there's anything worth fighting for either.... 

So it's time to just forget. 

thoughts/feelings in ones head.....

Not sure why I am sitting here writing to be honest.... considering me being able to write doesn't help the situation/mess I've created and feeling like a complete fool due to it all... but at least I guess it stops me from losing the plot completely.

The one time I followed what I believe in my heart instead of my head, the one time I make a decision for what I believe in my heart to be a good/right decision. One that would help fix issues/mend a friendship, that would maybe help me heal from the past few years with the mistakes I have made and to be maybe have things better than the past... but I've only ended up making things worse :-( I fucked up... and theres nothing I can ultimately do about it... I know what I did wrong, and I know why but at the end of the day it doesn't change anything or fix it. Its broken and probably always will be, because as much as I try I feel like it's already been deemed a lost cause by the other long before this happened in someways... 

I'm now at that point where I feel like things will never be "normal" as I guess most would say. No matter what I do, nothing is ever good enough, I just end up hurting someone more although I'm starting to think that someone is me. Because I stupidly put everyone else first, something I believed to be the right thing to do (even when hes said so many times the last few yrs its not a good idea), why? because I have never got anything I wanted in my life, What I do have in my life I have had to work my butt off for while fighting my health/injuries and the crap I've been put through which I'm partly to blame for due to my decisions. 

I have never believed everyone gets what they want, because life just isn't that simple or fair.... We are always told Life's not fair... and its true in so many ways including getting what you want. Because if it was that easy, people would all have what they want and nothing would probably ever get done in the world etc, or I guess things could all just implode lol... some people just never get what they want and I've learnt we just have to accept that even if we're left wanting... 

This time I sit here wondering if I should just give up.... Give up believing anything can ever be fixed or be an improvement on the past, because all we seem to do is fail.... fail due to picking stupid little fights over meaningless things, making each other feel worthless and meaningless, and to be honest for the last few months I haven't even been sure there was a friendship to begin with due to how things feel... Because of what happened in the beginning, then everything else since then, people causing trouble, pushing/pulling which I know at times we've both done.... I've always tried to believe it wasn't just me making an effort, forgiving things even when they hurt like hell among other things... but now I'm starting to feel like maybe I've been making excuses, because I've always tried to believe in the good i see in them. I know they do things at times that does show that I'm not the only one but maybe its me, maybe I don't see these things or have learnt not to because its taken so long? or maybe I just expect more because for so long its seemed like the effort was always so one sided *shrug* reminds me of a quote about Expectations and how expectations make things worse.... I've always tried not to expect anything from anyone/or expect anything.... maybe that's the problem?  I've somehow in my head expected them to do something unrealistic or be something unrealistic even tho its not what I want in my heart? 

Then I get reminded of all the promises that were made to me and try to find ones that were kept... so hard to find them amongst the broken ones. Its like a needle in a haystack and we all know that game is not one anyone wins... I know no-one can keep every promise made because things happen, that's how life is... for me though I guess I do believe that if you make an important promise you should honor it because it does show your honest and loyal. But are we then supposed to pick and chose what are the important ones? Or learn to promise less unless we actually mean it and feel we can deliver the promises? 

I know things happen for a reason and we are supposed to learn and grow from them, but what have I learnt from the last three years? That its ok to have your cake and eat it too? that its ok to hurt people if you dont admit to yourself you are doing it? That its ok to make promises you don't intend to keep?  That you can tell people they mean alot to you but then hurt them a few days later? That sometimes running away is easier than facing the truth? That at the end of the day as long as someone is happy thats all that matters? That pain it hurts but shove it aside and carry on like it never happened? That as long as we smile & act happy it all goes away? That people are not what you think & I'm better off in a bubble?
I have no idea what I am supposed to learn from all this... 

I know I have learnt that it hurts like F**k when we fight/argue, that sometimes what you know to be right isn't. I've learnt when they aren't around in my life it hurts like hell & wanted to be dead to remove the pain which was unexplainable, that I cant run from how I feel or from problems but that sometimes you don't get a chance to solve or face them bcos circumstances are out of your control, That stepping back from something you want can have repercussions for the rest of your life and can be painful, and ultimately knowing how you feel and what you want is useless if you cant tell the person or realise what you want is unattainable, so you end up screwing your life up and making mistakes because you listen to everyone else and are too afraid to say and do things, and that if you get pushed to overcome your fears you end up screwing things up too? because that fear completely shakes you so you lose the words every time you do try.... Especially when you never used to struggle with them with anyone, now there's one person I do.... 

I guess it also would be a little easier if the other person actually had some patience but sadly I guess not everyone will have patience and after awhile patience wears thin just like when you lose trust in someone. We all  know trust is something I struggle with at the best of times, and is something that once lost takes a lot to gain back, especially when theres a lot to consider along with history etc. I have always struggled with trust but I guess for me it makes it a hell of a lot harder to trust someone when you gave them trust when you didnt want to and they ended up abusing your trust and treating you in a way that should never have happened and everyone could see that but you, because you kept making excuses for them. WHY? because you believed in them, you see the good in them and believed and trusted they would never hurt you because they said for so long they never would...

Its a hard thing to come back from, especially when so many people tell you that you're a fool for seeing the good in people, for believing in them and believing they had their reasons and mean it when they say sorry. Even if they keep doing the same things over and over.  I am learning that I have to try give a lil more trust even when I am hurting like hell because of something someone did. Its not an easy road to go down when you are scared as hell that they or yourself  will repeat the same mistakes. To be honest I want to run like hell, and the situation I am in now I want to trust yet theres so many things pointing to why I shouldn't because of the past. Yet I want to keep trying and believing that good I see, and dont want to run from the mess/issue/disaster (whatever youd like to call it), instead I see it as the other person running and not dealing because at least I want to try fix the issues. I know how i want life to be and that it can work if people try & believe, and communicate which I know has been my downfall for so long. Just like I was starting to trust again and I lost my faith & ability over something minor bcos I didn't communicate.... but this time yet again theres no chance for me. Why is it I give chance after chance after chance yet I don't get the same opportunity?

To me it just makes me realise that I will never be good enough, will always be in the wrong and even when I admit I am, they give up or don't want to even try. I also know there is no point making excuses for someone else because in the back of my mind I know that it just excuses the behavior and makes me look a complete idiot who doesn't seem to get it. When I do, I just want to believe the good in people even though those people ultimately end up being the ones who hurt me, I still want to keep trying. I guess it goes back to that old saying of we hurt the ones we love/care for the most.

I honestly am not sure if things will ever be ok, now due to this situation/mess I created because of not being ok with so many things in life/the situation and not wanting to admit them. I probably will lose the one person who I realized last year is important to me in so many ways I can't always explain, and there is not a thing I can do about it because, its their decision ultimately and I know from previous experience that things will just disappear like they did last time, no contact, nothing because its easier for them I guess... 

I hate that I'm feeling the last few months that I probably should ignore my feelings/emotions and run on auto-pilot of sorts. This would make some things a lil easier I guess. It's not like I wouldn't survive considering I've survived worse and I have my books/art/studies like last time and I was ok. At least then maybe it wouldn't feel like the one & only time I lied to them would keep getting thrown back at me.  I know I did it for the right reasons or what i felt were the right reasons, even if he never sees that. Considering it's not like he hasn't lied to me before about something even if completely minor, because we all know everyone lies at times. 

We don't always get the things we want in life but we try to do what's right for the ones we love/care about even if in the end it ends up being wrong. I am thankful though that I know understand when people say you know that you know, bcos I never believed that i thought that it was kinda crap bcos you should be able to explain that you know a certain feeling yet I now know that everyone whose said that to me was right. You really do just know when you know and you can't explain it. In my situation I wish I didn't but I also know it's why I will put them & what they want/need first because it's something I've always believed in. Even if it means hurting myself in the process... I've survived worse therefore I can survive that too. 

I just hope that one day all of this makes sense. Thst maybe one day that one person will at least understand and that they will forgive me and maybe try again with rebuilding what i seem to have broke... this person means so much and made me see things so differently yet gave up when I needed them most... I guess all I can really say is Sorry and maybe one day you'll be back in my life, who knows but I will say you make me smile when all I want to do is run and hide and even when things are crap you make me smile and believe. You bought me back to life even if it was short lived and I'm thankful for that. You will always mean something even if you never know. 

X

Will the pain ever go away?

Its now May 2015, so much in my life has changed dramatically. My physical pain is no longer due to my wonderful second specialist who performed the surgery which has let me walk etc again.

Unfortunately surgery can't erase emotional pain. I thought I could pretend to be ok, including telling someone who means so much to me that I'm ok, that I'm over it.

When in all honesty it's far from the truth. We don't choose who we fall for unfortunately and when you don't want to feel things you can't make feelings disappear... so now I'm pretending I'm ok bcos that one person expects me to be. Even tho its killing me inside. I don't know how to tell him everything, because I lost trust in him for many reasons the past year. I know I believe in him and see the good in him but I struggle to trust him due to broken promises and other reasons. 

I know I want to trust again because this person makes me smile when I want to hide & cry. Makes me feel better at the drop of a hat.... I just wish things could magically fall into place so I could do the right thing. Tell them what i need to say, explain and be able to trust. But i guess I need a miracle for that.

It also doesn't help when someone thinks they are better off not in your life and does things people would not be too impressed with or would classify as immoral etc. They've also decided you think the same way but yet its not like that.

It's bcos I care I hate seeing them destroy themselves. Making bad decisions, hurting themselves and giving themselves a bad rep. Yet thru it all  my feelings don't change yet... I'm realizing I have to pretend I'm ok and ignore how i feel so that you can go do what you want in ur life without feeling guilty bcos of me.

I hate that I'm having to make a decision again to ignore my feelings/emotions, basically shut down and just run on auto pilot because one of us needs to be happy and I figure it might as well be u. Why? Because I survived just sticking to myself with my books and art and studies and I know I can do it again.

We don't always get the things we want in life but we try to do what's right for the ones we love so i figure this is what I need to do.

Thank you for trying I am grateful and I do love you and I'm sorry I hurt you
Sempre x 

When you lose that 1 person from your life that you didn't think you would...

It's been a strange 6-7 weeks and it's taken me till this week to figure out how to write things without bursting into tears all over my laptop between the pain from injury and all this.... 

I guess as much as the last few years have been difficult in someways with this person. I realize that I was happier and doing well when they are in my life, especially when I'd physically get to see them. They could make me laugh when all I wanted to do was hide & cry, they bought out the best and the worst in me but that wasn't a bad thing either. They kept me grounded and focused on what I wanted to do and where I wanted to get to in life, and I knew they supported me and pushed me to achieve the goals I set because they were there and showed they cared etc. 

These days things are different... Infact this whole year has been screwed up and different in so many ways and I hate that it's now ending with this person not being in my life. I never thought there would come a day where they wouldn't be a part of my life forever. But here I am standing and realising that they are probably never going to come back.  

I know some people will be happy about it that didn't like me, and some will be happy because they caused some of the problems and hurdles the past few years, and some will be happy just because they take pleasure in other people's pain. 

The last 6wks or so I have done a lot of thinking after something this person said because it honestly hurt me and I didn't get why they said it when since I've known them they have always pushed me to learn to trust. I did learn to trust & that person was the first person I've let into my life all the way in a very long time, let alone trusted with everything in my life.

They saw the good and the bad absolutely everything, they've seen me at my worst in the middle of an anxiety/panic attack as well as at my most happy go lucky self. Sadly as the months have gone on I've lost my happy go lucky part of me, in fact I don't think I even remembered the last time I really fully enjoyed myself in the past year. Because the last time I remember was just before Christmas in 2012 when I was at the beach.... seems so long ago like I didn't really live it, just dreamed it one night in my sleep. 

But i guess that's like a lot of things I've experienced the past few years. It's like it was all a dream in my head, like none of it even happened and that this person never existed, just a figment of my imagination because in someways my life and what happened with this person the past few years could kind of read like a book or even the script of a soap opera on TV to be honest. 

It doesn't help that this person blurred the boundaries to suit them and im not sure they knew they were doing it at times, which has made a lot of things that have happened the past few years even harder to deal with for me at least, not sure how they saw it but I know it confused other people who knew or saw or heard us spend time together, probably another reason the following bit happened too I guess...

To make it worse is the fact there were people that caused problems and issues which led us to mistrust, anger, pain and for me humiliation too. 

now all of it reminds me that no matter what I do in life or what i want in my life, even if I find it the world will play cruel tricks on me and whip it all away after I've had a taste of how much i want something in my life. 

This whole experience has also taught me that love whether it's love for a friend or otherwise is bullshit! it's just a cruel sick joke that suckers you in before kicking you to the ground before running over you with a tank several hundred times.

 My mother it seems was right when it comes to my life, I don't deserve anyone to care about me let alone love me because I seem to destroy the good things one way or another and sometimes without even realising I'm doing so.

 I was ok being alone before I met this person as I had come to terms with being alone in life, not having my own family or people that loved me for me or even having my own kids bcos for some reason I just had a feeling that was just how it was going to be and I learned to cope and be ok with that. I focused on my health, work, study and training and I knew if I needed a pick me up I could live in my books for awhile. I had a couple of bestfriends, a few ppl I believed to be true friends and people I thought of as friends but not ones I'd have much to do with or trust things with. 

Unfortunately or fortunately I'm not really sure to be honest, this person changed all that and now I have to figure out how to be that person i was again. I can admit that being like that I wasn't really living just merely existing but I think maybe that's better for me now especially now things have changed and I'm not ok. 

I've lost that person who helped me become someone who was living and happy and a lot more carefree, even though I lost people who I believed were true friends, not so worried about the ones i was unsure of as obviously they weren't and I'm ok with that.

I'm not sure where I fit in anymore, I don't feel like I belong or fit in, in Wellington anymore... I know I don't belong down south and I never belonged or fitted in up in Auckland. I don't know where I fit in or belong... I also don't know what I'm supposed to do or who I'm supposed to be anymore.  I had these goals that this person was pushing me to achieve but the last couple of months I've been wondering what the point of it all is when I don't have family or a reason to do it. Especially now with my injury I'm not sure if i'll ever be able to do all the things I used to do at work in the early childhood centre's. I'm also back to that issue of do I really want to work with other people's children when all I've wanted the past 8 - yrs is to have a family of my own and yet I never will. It's like a constant reminder of what I will never have... 

So much of my thoughts of where do I belong started after I last saw this person a few months ago and realised that I'm not grounded, I'm scared and I have no idea what I'm doing anymore because I don't have that person to talk to about things like I used to the past 2yrs. The person also seemed like they were trying to say goodbye and remove me from their life right then at the last few moments before I said goodbye and got out of the car, but I never noticed as much as I did the past couple of weeks. WHY? ? Because I'm the fool who believed them when they made a promise to me. I'm the fool that believed them earlier this year when they said they needed me in their life after I disappeared down south without telling them or being in contact with them. They were the one who kept saying I was important to them.... yet I'm the fool who got suckered in to believing it all and not seeing the truth.... I'm not even sure what to believe anymore, do I follow and believe my head or my heart and gut instincts? Everything is so screwed up since that person said that one sentence to me that has hurt me so badly... That they have never trusted me, so what am I supposed to believe? Because as much as I want to believe my heart & gut instincts I just don't know anymore. 

And theres nothing I can do because from their behaviour and attitude towards me the past month or so it seems they've chosen to walk away from our friendship, the promises they've made and everything else that goes along with it. 

I'm left here unsure of how it came to this when for months till I flew home it seemed things were going to be ok that our friendship was healing and things would be ok. Trust was being rebuilt and withheld secrets that i was scared to tell them were coming out because I was learning not to be afraid anymore with this person, because I always felt safe with them since day 1 which is something I've never had before in my life.  

But that's all fallen away, they've chosen to just disappear and leave me with so many questions on what I did wrong and why they made promises if they never were going to keep them. As well as feeling like I've lost a limb or a piece of me that I will never get back and that will always have a gap where it's missing. I guess though that the pain from my missing piece will always remind me that I once let someone so far into my life that they knew/saw everything and that it's too painful to have that happen again. 

It will hopefully help me find that place I used to be where I was just existing and was ok because I think that's probably the best place for me from now on as I can't hurt me or anyone else if I'm merely existing. I can pretend to me happy and living without actually doing so because it at least keeps them happy and  quiet & stops those awkward questions no one enjoys. It also means everyone else can just be happy and that's something I've always wanted is just everyone to be happy!

~ ~ To the person who left my life/walked away from our friendship ~ ~

I told you a few months ago that I didn't need you in my life, but that i wanted you in my life. That you were important to me because you made me live, smile & i was learning to be this person I was even beginning to like a little. That you made me feel safe and that you meant more to me than you'll ever know and that will always be true. I never had to pretend to be normal or any of the things I had to with others because it was just ok to be me. 

 I also know that even tho i may want you in my life, I know that I don't get to make that decision because as much as one can care and love someone it's just not always enough and you can't force someone to stay in your life if they don't want to be in it. 

I know that even though you are gone that I will still probably feel that weird bond we have and know when things aren't ok, but I will have to learn to ignore it and keep going, bcos I'm not sure that bond like invisible string will ever bring you back to my life any more :-( 

I sent you back the one thing you gave me that meant so much to me the other week because the memories that it brings hurt me so much lately because I'm not sure if what you said when you gave to me was the truth or just another line you could've said to anyone and I'm not sure if that's bcos of what you said about trust or my own insecurities. But know that I loved that item it meant a lot to me for so many reasons incl the fact AM said you don't generally give ppl things unless they are really important to you. but i can't have it around me while I'm hurting since you've decided to walk away from our friendship. I hope it helps you remember the times you made me smile and the great times we had and how much you mean to me, look after it always for me please. 

Thanking you for caring & "trying to love me" & being my friend, even for the little while you were in my life know that I will be forever grateful that you did for that short while. 

I just hope that you find happiness, peace and love because all I've ever wanted was for you to be happy and I  made my decisions the past few years thinking it was best for you & everyone else as you & everyone else  would be happy and have the life you all wanted without my hassles etc. So i hope you find that and everything else you are looking for in life because I just want to see everyone happy. 

Looking back the past few days I realise you became my bestfriend, the one I always went to first, the one who I believed cared even when I made a silly mistake or a bad decision. That it didn't matter how badly I stuffed up you still cared & "loved me" & were there. You were why it didn't bother me when AM disappeared from my life bcos you had taken her place and then some.

 So thank you again. X 

SEMPRÈ

Don't judge a book by it's cover - Don't judge an injury/pain by what you see...

The past 2 weeks have been some of the hardest I have had to face this year. I think in someways it's because I have had to face it on my own too because P can't be here and my sister is so far away and as for "him" well he's in his own lil world it seems bcos even tho he says he's there & cares, when crunch time comes it's silence :( 

I have been dealing with pain in my back, hip & left leg for 21 weeks come Friday. This includes 2 trips to 2 different Emergency departments in 2 different cities, many physio appointments since August, a few doctors appointments and several 100 dollars spent on Travel & painkillers and other remedies in the hopes it would ease my pain. Unfortunately none really have eased the pain it's constantly there and when I walk it's worse in my left leg and brings me to tears quite alot.

It's caused me to be in bed somedays all day, to crawl like a toddler bcos I desperately needed the bathroom yet couldn't stand and even had me bawling on the side of the bath because all I wanted was the pain to go away so I could have a decent shower and wash my hair with some dignity. 

I understand Chronic pain as I have a friend who has been dealing with chronic pain thru a different injury but it's taught me how it works and that generally people don't understand that you're on chronic excruciating pain because they can't see it. Most people don't understand injuries or illnesses that they can't see. The past 21wks I have been learning to hide how much pain I'm in because people don't understand. It's not till they see or you tell them you can't do certain things do they try understand why. 

For me this has been hard because I live with routines I always have and I don't cope without them. Each morning I used to get up, head straight to the shower then i have breakfast and do dishes before I set washing machine off if need be then I'd settle down to study.  The first few weeks in july I couldn't do the dishes every day but then I started feeling a little better and managed to do them. I was doing them right up until the day I ended up Wellington ED again :(  

This is when the pain began affecting my hip, leg, ankle and foot on my left side. It hurt to stand and I barely could walk. For me this is not ok as I have always been very independent and always on the go since I was 18. 

Wellington ED did xrays and asked lots of questions poked and prodded and decided it was still a back sprain and that it was just affecting my left side but would go away with a bit of physio. If it didn't come right in another 4wks see my gp for a referral.  So we were sent home with codeine, panadol & ibuprofen Amd made an appointment for 5 days time to see physio. In the mean time a couple of times I ended up crawling to the bathroom etc bcos my left leg couldn't handle me standing on it at all... which upset me quite a lot as they told me it would be fine yet here I am crawling yet I used to go to the gym 5 x a wk.... 

I started physio and my physiotherapist Gale was great she could see i was struggling to stand & found it awkward to sit at times. She poked and prodded and did acupuncture and gave me exercises to do till I came back the next wk. 

Unfortunately the pain was still bad and my walking was on and off as I struggled standing. Physio the nxt wk was the same with no real improvement in fact she said I needed to see my gp and try for an MRI as she wants to see what's going on. Then I was to see another physiotherapist there the following week as they were going to tag team my care to see if it would help. So i saw Kyla who tried different things and was still noticing my walking was slowly getting worse and my pain was becoming more excruciating with different things. 

I finally got to see my GP 3wks ago who referred me to Dr Kanji and also changed my pain meds in the hopes that these new meds would dull the pain down considerably... unfortunately it's still constant excruciating pain, somedays they take the edge of a little other days not at all. We made an appointment for Dr Kanji which was supposed to be this past thurs but got bumped up. .. 

I attended the first appointment with Dr Kanji and Dr Claire and another Dr. I had no idea what was happening at first. Was put on the bed and poked and prodded and pulled and injected and told they'd be back soon they needed to discuss and have lunch. I lay there frightened and scared because my pain was excruciating and would they be able to figure out why and why I hadn't come right when each visit to ED I was told it would come right on its on and to just keep doing what I always do in my life. 

They came back and poked prodded pulled pushed and things some more and discussed among themselves. I heard Dr Kanji say I should already been in hospital if my pains bad... then they disappeared for a bit then came in again and had me lie down awkwardly on the bed with my legs hanging off. This made me feel extremely nauseous even tho it was 1 pm in the afternoon and I hadn't eaten since 8am.  I was like that for 5 mins then he came back and got me to stand up which is fine bcos I wasn't moving just standing and he asked how pain was. How do u explain it's sore but bcos I haven't moved leg yet I can't really explain the pain level? 

I had to lie down awkwardly again and he was going to contact ppl about getting me an MRI. Now I'll happily admit I am slightly claustrophobic due to things when I was younger so the thought of an MRI freaked me out so much. All I wanted right there and then was him to be there and give me one of those hugs that he used to give me that would seem to make everything better even for just a little bit. 

I got the call from radiology in Lower Hutt to say I'd been booked in for an emergency MRI at 8.20 the next morning. Then Dr Kanji came back to see my pain levels again and give me a script for new meds to take at night along with the meds I'm already taking.  He said they would help control the pain at night and help me sleep as the tramadol I'm on doesn't help with sleep for me like it does with other people. 

He then sent me home with instructions that i was to come back to him after the MRI the next day so I could be told the diagnosis and see where to from there.... 

I was up at 5am the next morning after a restless crappy sleep to be in the hutt on time for my mri. I was scared and shakey and felt like there was butterflies in my tummy.  He made it a lil better by texting and reminding me I'm brave but I didn't feel brave I was so scared. The nurse with me for my mri was lovely and tried to help keep me calm. 

It's not an experience I want to endure again. I explained it to him as being squished in a can and not being able to see out and to me i felt like it must be what one would feel like if you were buried alive. I tried to picture my trip to the beach in Auckland with him and how he always reminds me I'm brave and can do anything and that he believed in me and was there. All the while silent tears rolled down my face bcos I had to try stay still. I was so grateful when it was all over even tho I felt disorientated.  

I took my time getting back to the city as I felt I needed to just come to terms with the fact I just faced part of my fears. I think some of it was also bcos I dreaded knowing what was going to happen next bcos theres so many different stories on back surgeries back problems etc and how things go wrong that it was all messing with my thoughts and how i was feeling because no-one had actually asked me how i was feeling the past 24hrs in this whirlwind.. 

I got back to Dr Kanji's office and they showed me my MRI and explained what it meant and how lucky I am to be walking at all. Even tho my walking was excruciating and I had to stop alot and was slow as a snail. Dr Kanji said I would not be allowed to work or study for the next 6-8mnths. That it would be a painful slow recovery but I would recover albeit I'd never quite be the same again I could go back to being almost normal one day. That i was grateful for altho no work or study was something I was trying not to cry about. I had to be strong and just nod my head and not cry. 

He stated there would be no surgery but that he could fix it with this slow process of me doing nothing apart from the traction exercise and a few others he wanted me to do. I'm not allowed to sit for long times no dishes and no standing for long periods of time. It was a lot to take in altho i felt relieved bcos he said no surgery as I don't like having surgery as I don't like hospitals too much and I don't want to go thru it alone... 

I got to go home with an appointment to be back this past Monday to start treatment plan etc. So i had the weekend off to get my head around things and try get a handle on what was going to happen next.

I got there this past Monday and was asked my pain levels, they changed the night meds again to see if these new ones had less side affects. Claire did acupuncture on me which was slightly different to how kyla my physio was doing it. It felt slightly awkward to me lying there in silence.

Then it was time for the needles to Come out and she manipulated my back a little before it was all over. I had to come back Friday to be assessed again. As I was leaving apparently I looked really dodgey as at times I stopped to lean on the wall which is bcos I'm in that much pain it hurt to move my leg. But if I didn't i can't get home etc. So Claire and Nikki got me to try using crutches to help  my walking without so much pain or pressure on my leg... 

They help but it makes things harder to do and get around as bcos my walking is  deteriorating it's putting a lot of pressure on my ankle when I walk. The crutches help keep me stable when I walk but it's still a lot of effort and it causes my leg to ache behind my knee. It's also hard to get from our mailbox to the front door as our house is on a hill. 

I struggle to get to the bus stop which is about 6 houses down the hill on crutches because the ground is uneven so it's rather painful. The good thing is now the bus drivers don't need to be asked to lower the bus as the see crutches and  do it straight away where beforehand without crutches  they would give me a look when I asked bcos I looked "normal".

I think that's what frustrates me the most is because my injury isn't visible people think it doesn't exist that the pain doesn't exist and I can do everything I used to do. Even if they see me struggling to walk they don't understand that I'm in chronic excruciating pain because the prolapsed disc is pushing/sitting right up against my spinal cord which is affecting my left leg extremely badly.   Heck the last few days my foot didn't like the sheet or even my sock touching yet! This is bcos all my nerves in my leg and foot are extremely sensitive due to what's going on in my back. My back is affecting so many things that I never knew it could till now. 

On Friday just been I returned for the 2nd review with Dr Kanji who asked how my pain is right then, bcos I was sitting not moving it was a 6-7 from memory which he was pleased about even tho I said that it constantly changes one minute it could be a 3 next 5 mins I'm back to 9 or 10. Lately I'm btwn a 7 to 10. This depends on stress, what ive done and how much sleep and rest i get, altho I'm taking my pain meds as I'm supposed to the pain is always there. 

He made some notes, said I still needed to see my gp to get paperwork for uni etc and to keep taking meds. He also said he wouldn't be surprised if I ended back up in ED with numbness or not being able to walk soon and gave me his card with cellph # in case that happens as they are to call him bcos he doesn't want me having surgery or needles anywhere near my back. I'm not sure why he's said no surgery etc but I'm supposed to just do as I'm told.

They did finally give me something to help with the constant nausea but I'm still not really eating bcos of it. I've had a few smoothies and crackers abd fruit but the nausea just makes me want to throw up so I try not to eat much when I do eat. I drink lots of water tho as my meds give me an extremely dry mouth so my drink bottle is my constant companion...

I then saw Nikki the physio there who did some stuff with my legs and back which hurt. I actually felt quite sore when I finally left. I don't see them now till the first week of Dec in the fri.

Im now feeling unsure on how this treatment plan is supposed to help me when we know the cause of My pain therefore shouldn't we eliminate it so I can recover and get back to normal a lot quicker than the 6-8mnths he's saying with this way?  

I'm frustrated bcos I'm supposed to be positive all the time yet its hard when you're in excruciating pain all the time. I want to not be on such high levels of pain meds. I want to be showering normally,  doing my every day routine and even going to the gym. I miss my life and being able to do things I used to take for granted like hanging out washing, doing dishes, running.  It's hard bcos I don't know when I won't need crutches, no one can say when the pain will be gone... everything is a big question mark 

When I spoke to ACC this week my caseworker was lovely and understanding. She said they would help anyway they can as they understood that i waited 21wks for them to finally help me. She said she would talk to Kyla my physio and they could possibly send me for a second opinion with a back specialist.  Bcos she understood that I'm not coping doing nothing and that I'd rather be recovering faster now we have a diagnosis and know what's causing the pain why not fix it which would eliminate my constant excruciating pain. I admit I hate surgery but if it's going to help then i will go thru with surgery. So i hope I get a referral for the 2nd opinion soon as I'm curious to hear what they think is best!

I just wish people would understand that just because you can't see my injury doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I am  in constant excruciating pain, somedays I'm lucky I can stand let alone walk a few steps.. so you should never judge a book by it's cover!  Be supportive and try just listen to someone and treat them normally and just be a friend, because that's really what one needs to be understood and know that ppl understand that the constant pain  doesn't just disappear even with meds and even tho we look normal there's a hell of a lot of things going on inside our bodies that you can't see and it's hard for us to explain so be patient and just be supportive and show you care if you know someone in a similar situation.

This has taken me most of the last 2 days to write due to the pain but I felt it i needed to write it down so others have a glimpse into what this is like but also so I have a written recollection of it in years to come. My bestfriend and my sister used to always tell me to write because it helps clear ones head. 

So thank you for those whose support means I've had the courage to write this and been able to get thru the last 21wks even tho I'm scared and not sure what's going to happen at least I am able to try stay a lil positive thanks to you all...

 also a big thank u to my sister & "him" for reminding me i can be brave while facing some of my biggest fears - I am truly grateful you both do that in ur own ways 💜 xx