Lemons, Lemons & more Lemons.

The past 2 weeks have been a bit up & down, As I finally arrived home in Wellington and had to start unpacking things.  I'm lucky in the fact that I have a great flatmate who is understanding and caring and gets that sometimes life really does throw you lemons. 

Which lately it feels like it's doing it constantly.  I left so someone would be happy & better off, as well as hoping that distance and no contact would make all feelings disappear & like none of it ever happened.  It didn't work, I can't just flick a switch to make my emotions/feelings go away. I also can't seem to do what I think is right for others because I get yelled at for it. I thought at least if one person was happy and getting what they want then it would all be worth it... Apparently not!

I really do wish there was a way to turn feelings/emotions off though because they just destroy people/things, they add complications.  I have no idea what I am supposed to do in one aspect of my life which sucks big time. But i can hear what he said about I just have to deal/get over it bcos nothing changes it will always be this way.... which makes me still wonder why it all happened to begin with. Was I used? Was I a stand-in? Or have I always mattered but what's happened has destroyed anything possible?  All these questions which I will probably never have an answer to. He does keep telling me that if I didn't matter he wouldn't be around or call or do anything but some days I wonder if it's out of guilt... How did life get so complicated and difficult? 

To add to things, a day a go my bestfriend passed away. I am completely lost for words as she was only a few years older than me. Andrea was someone who was always there for me thru thick and thin as I was for her. We reminded each other to be brave and keep fighting.  She always had a smile when we skyped  etc no matter how she was feeling and that smile was infectious.  I hate the idea that I now have to live in a world without her smile and laughter. Life really is unfair sometimes as I'm not ready to say goodbye to my bestie. . .

What scares me is that she was only a few years older than me although she leaves a legacy thru her 2 children.  If I died what would I leave? Nothing... I'd just be dead, alone and dead and that scares me. 

It bites when you know what you want in life yet it's just never going to happen.  I had a taste of it yet I destroyed that and now live with the consequences everyday since.

I just hope Andrea knows how much we all loved her and how much we will miss her.

Fly free my amazing bestie xx

Hello August!

So it's been 7days I have been in the north island and I have to say it's been great to see the sunshine again. Let alone not feeling cold 24/7 and actually being able to wear dresses again!

As much as I feel happier for coming back to the North Island and seeing/realising things, I'm struggling with a few things. Things I am not sure i will be fully ok with for awhile. Let alone the fact as much as I know things something happens that makes me doubt or feel otherwise...

maybe I'm just too screwed up to be ok *shrug* because it seems as much as I try and I realise things and say things.... I end up doubting things/life and I have no idea if I'm making the right decisions....

I wish somedays life came with a manual so I knew what I am supposed to do....

The good thing is I have been able to focus more on my fitness again as I started back at configure this wk even tho I'm not in welly yet. It's helping to gain some focus and to block out the issues...

I still wish I could've deleted the past 2yrs so they never existed as maybe my head wouldn't be so confuzzled and I wouldn't be hurt or unsure of my decisions or who/what to believe these days. But apparently you can't erase time as you just end up hurting yourself more then you thought.

But sometimes it would make things easier....

But it's August and I'm going to focus on getting settled and just making a plan with uni and gym so I can focus on it all a Lil better now I'm back... one would say I'm going to live in a bubble again but I don't see it that way...

Although i did openly admit this week what I'm so terrified about but not completely why but in some ways I am not sure why I admitted it when it just makes things worse in some ways sadly...

I guess I will just never have the life I wanted growing up and as much as I hate to admit it not everyone gets what they want and as much as everyone deserves happiness sometimes  it just never happens. You just have to accept you're life as it is and be happy with the crap u get dealt each day :-)

Ho hum

So it's been just about a week since my birthday and quite honestly it was basically another crap day... a couple of texts received and that was it. I thought one person might have made a big deal or something but nope. Yet again I need to just learn I can't expect anything that way I won't get disappointed. 

Disappointment seems to be the keyword the past few years sadly. But it has taught me that I should only rely on myself no matter what the situation as its just easier and less painful.  Which i was reminded of earlier this week when i asked some one a question just to see what they said. Funnily enough they replied and acted exactly as i expected them to.  Lucky I already had decided that i would do things my way.

It's now only a few days till i leave the south and now I'm really not sure i am making the right decision.  Although i know opportunity wise it's a better decision to head home then stay, I hate the idea of going home to the unknown. The having to find a house I like in an area I'm ok with. Sorting out what's happening with work and just figuring out what i should be doing in my life, let alone who I want in my life.

I'm nervous scared and anxious about heading home and I feel it's only going to get worse as the next few days pass. Hopefully I will get over it once I get home......

Crash... Bang...

It's been one of those weeks where I am now physically and mentally exhausted from all that's happened.  Yet I am still trying to keep going even though I have no idea what I am supposed to be looking forward to in life, let alone what I'm supposed to believe in or who to believe in anymore. 

I do at least know that I am starting to put myself first even though it could hurt or annoy others but after the past few days I've realised that if I don't no-one else will. Everyone is always out for themselves and they don't care who they hurt or step on to get there.

I have less than 20 days till I leave to make a fresh start but I'm feeling pretty uncertain on that too  bcos as much as I want to believe life is what one makes it I'm not sure i can make it how i want or how i believe it should be when nothing I aim to achieve happens. Instead others ruin and destroy my dreams/goals/plans or just cause a general lack of trust.

I've lost so much the past few years and yet none of it was completely my fault and i can admit i did stuff some things up and make it worse but I'm probably the only one who will admit i stuffed up. It's also taught me not to let anyone in because as much as u trust people they will always hurt you.

The past few days has proved that considering I'm no longer staying where i was and instead am staying at a good friends place till i leave. Because  i didn't feel safe or ok for the past week or so at P 's place due to things.

I don't hold grudges and I still care but I can guarantee I won't hear from her for quite sometime if at all because she couldn't understand why I felt unsafe etc. I don't expect anyone to truly understand unless they've been in the same situation I've been in growing up.

I'm just grateful I'm learning to put myself first, not listen to others opinions on certain things and keep trying.  I just wish I knew what I do now a few years ago so I wouldn't have had to go through everything I have and would still have my life the way I had it before I got sucked into a vortex of pain and turmoil.

Life wouldn't be so confusing, let alone messy or anything else for that matter. I wouldn't feel like I've been used/abused, taken for granted and betrayed by people I believed in.

Life really is an interesting bag of crazy.

Expectations. . .

The past day or so a couple of us have been discussing the reasons we get frustrated or annoyed with other people's actions, as well as how these actions could/can affect us. I found this quite interesting as I know I am someone who will always keep a secret even when I no longer see the person involved, I trust/believe people keep promises and are honest. During this lengthy discussion I mentioned this and we discussed that expectations are the problem. 

 Why? Because we have expectations of ourselves but we also have expectations of our family/friends/partners etc. These expectations end up being the problem because as P put she used to expect her ex-husband to be a decent reliable dad. These expectations were too high according to her and that she's discovered all she  an really expect is for him to at least try be a human being who listens. We all discussed how we saw things, and I discovered I really do expect to much. 

Looking back the past 5-6 years, I expected FS to be honest and treat me well, I expected "stalker" to leave me the hell alone when I moved out and then kept slamming the door in his face and saying it was over, & I expected "him" to keep his promise he made that he'd always be there even if someone was on the scene and he wouldn't walk away from our friendship etc.... In the end all these expectations and more just end up hurting us. We end up with unrealistic expectations that people are honest and keep their word, that they will always be around etc.

Yet if we don't have expectations then we can't be hurt or disappointed by people or their actions. I have believed for the past 19 mnths that people can only hurt you if you let them and more and more I believe that to be true. Just like they can also only hurt/disappoint us If we let them by having unrealistic expectations of that person. So I'm now very muchly so going to try not have expectations of people and see if that makes life even more positive and better. 

Life's little lessons over coffee...

This morning was a rather interesting one while sitting having a coffee with close family friends. It ended up being a debate about how things can get misconstrued, taken out of context and how men and women think completely differently on so many different topics. 

The main topic was how texts can be taken out of context and misconstrued, people can think you are being bitchy, upset, snarky and even trying to guilt trip all because they cant see the persons facial expressions or gauge ones mood when the recipient reads the message.  Then we discussed how females see their messages compared to how males would perceive the females messages. I sat and was amused by how differently the sexes perceive and see things.  Then realised maybe "he" was right the past couple of years with how I write messages may come across. Maybe I do come across as passive-aggressive even though I am not meaning to.  Its amazing how a few other peoples perspectives on something so simple can make you realise that someone else could have been right when they accused you of it :o)

The debate over how men & women perceive things was rather intriguing as I can now understand why so many misconceptions on things can happen depending on whose perception is. How there is always 3 sides to every story just like the quote "There are always three sides to the story: Yours, Theirs & the Truth". Which is why misconceptions happen and people will always believe their own ideas or thoughts on things, and why even if you send an email/txt or letter and you don't mean to sound a certain way the receiver may still see it this way and even though you know the truth of what you were meaning there is still different sides to it. Just like men & women always perceive things differently because women are more likely to see things on an emotional level whereas men will see it from a different level all together. 

Life definitely makes me giggle when you realise you have possibly been doing things without realising you have been all due to a simple conversation over coffee... Today's coffee made me realise someone could quite possibly been more right then I first thought on how some things I say and do come across... Another lesson I have now learnt albeit a good one to learn too. 

"I've got scars you won't believe, Wear them proudly on my sleeve..."

Today I realised just how strong I am and understand a lot more why SS, KF, & my big sister and even P say that I am a better person than most because of how I handle things and do not react the way most people would even after all I have been through especially the past 2 and  bit years. You don't realise how much you can handle or cope with until it all comes to a point and find you are still willing to keep fighting and believing even though everyone else thinks you are making a big mistake.

 The past year I have been able to learn a lot about myself and how I react to situations and why, especially the last 5 or so months when I left Wellington. I have also learnt that you can’t run away or erase things in life but you can make a decision on how you let situations affect you and your life. You can either let it hurt and destroy you or you can use it to remind you how far you have come and why you keep fighting, as well as to remind you of how you don't want your life to be.  I seem to choose the latter, to help keep myself moving forward and fighting and to look at the positives in life because otherwise crap just pulls you down. 

Today has been a shocker of a day and yet I am smiling and ok because I understand and know the reasons why things happen and due to everything I have been through in my just about 32 years of life I guess I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for in more ways than one. I think the fact I made someone probably fall off their chair when I said I forgive them and shocked them just proves how far I have come the past 7 years let alone my whole life. But like I told them, Life is too short! 

Yes I have gone through a hell of a lot the past 32 years but I am proud of the person I have become. I may have scars and some horrible memories but I have become someone who can be there for others no matter the situation, I can smile even though I have been hurt and I am happy within myself and know that when life throws me lemons I can keep on going! I may have a lil baggage but I have also dealt with a shitload more in the past couple of years then some realise. Scars or no scars I am happy no matter what and can I smile and be happy on my own doing my own thing.