"All or nothing,... This is my life"

June is already half way gone and I have been home for just about 8 weeks! Scary thought in some ways but in other ways completely the best thing I have done and maybe I should have done it sooner *shrug*  Although I am yet to spend a night at my own house LOL! 

I guess in some ways being home has let me see things from other prospective's which in some ways has been a great thing.... In other ways not so much but I guess that will always happen... I am glad though from seeing a few things from other view points it has helped my decision on what I am studying next semester at Vic. As well as making a plan on how to get a head more with it... 

It has also helped me see who in my life actually matters and who just take me for granted and expect me to always just be around when they need me and yet not be there in return. Who actually value friendship and who just thinks its something that they can take advantage of.. 

My focus at the moment is on getting things sorted for uni so when I actually am home, when Miss C is finally born and I wont be longer required where I am so much.... I managed to get a piece of furniture i desperately needed for my room the other day. Which will be picked up the end of the month. I look forward to it in someways as it means the past year will be officially over and I can just be me and do what I need to do for me and to hell with what anyone else thinks or what they feel i should be doing with my life.... 

I have come to terms with the fact it will always ever be just me and I'm ok with that... because in life nothing is ever fair :) But if it was fair then Life wouldn't be what it is I guess....

I feel like things are slowly but surely heading towards my plan for the next few months. Although I think it will feel more certain once I actually spend a night at my own place. I miss my flatmate/friend lol and I am still yet to meet the other flatmate LOL!

I really wish the next month would go slower as I don't want to be reminded that i will be a year older soon. Yet I still feel I haven't achieved much in the past year :( let alone the past 10 :/ although at least I will only have a yr and a half to be able to start towards being a registered teacher *does a lil dance* Less than what it would've been had i stayed at AUT and I am at least a lil happier doing it down here at home :D

well now to see what the new week is going to hold.....

"When you say nothing at all.... "

It's been a quiet 7 days in some ways in my life, after being pushed aside like common trash by someone who always said I meant something to them... I guess I wasn't so important after all in someways as "Actions Speak Louder Than Words" as they say. It hurts and bites after being told it wasn't going to be like that after I come home. Sadly I am home and have been home for just over 3 weeks now and its basically showing me my fears always come true. How can one believe what you say when you go back on your word and say nothing at all.... 

Another reason my life is a lil quiet in some ways is because I had to change my mobile number due to unwanted messages from some I thought got the hint when I changed my plans and no longer made contact with them after being cornered by them on university grounds. Where even the University did not take the issues seriously, now I change my number and finally the university contacts me to deal with it... Totally not good enough in my opinion! They should have dealt with it when the issues first arose while we were in a class! instead I was made to look unprofessional and treated badly and they got away with their actions scot free! 

Luckily I have began moving forward and on Wednesday started the process of sorting my study for semester two with a different university and going back to something I love doing. Roll on semester 2 when I can start my Level 200 Classics Papers, sadly they are paired with a 100 Level stats paper that I now have to take to be able to start my 200level Psychology papers but thats ok, as much as I dislike Stats I guess I will get it done in order to have an exciting year in 2014 study wise.

The past week has been a lil like living in my own personal hell, because as much as I love the fact friends are having babies and got to celebrate mothers day etc I am left feeling hurt due to what I lost with an ex awhile back and reminded that it just wont happen for me. Its not on the books for me to have. Its like I have to put my happy face on for everyone because its not fair on them to know that their happy moments are secretly hurting me.  I guess thats something I will just have to live with as its not like anyone can help and at least while they dont know its ok.. At least I succeeded in getting out of attending a baby shower since no-one bothered to actually tell me when it was being held (great organisational skills)....

I had an interesting job interview yesterday for a store I rather like but I am trying not to get my hopes up as I don't want another kick to the guts if i don't get it...

I have decided on a plan at least for the next few months.Which basically is just to focus on going to the gym and saving for my trip next year and getting ready to go back to a sport I enjoy.  Focusing on this even if it puts me in a "bubble" as someone calls it at least means the pain goes away and things get a lil easier... 

Hopefully as time goes on I can at least live in my own lil bubble and not have to be  like i have been the past few months :)

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes......

So many changes, and yet everything is still the same... Words I always heard growing up from the parent seem to be ringing true more and more these days.... As my life falls apart more, the more this year keeps plowing forward. 

To be honest I wish I could turn back time to this time last year in 2012 where I could prevent so much and not have to feel as I do these days.  
- My bank balance wouldn't look so bad
- I wouldn't be hurting emotionally like I am
- I wouldn't be having to purchase furniture again! 
- I would be feeling settled and sorted and not a mess a lot of the time

Instead sadly there is no time machine or any possible way of turning back time and so I am left trying to figure out how to keep going without losing the plot. Trying to forget the past year and pretend like it never happened so that in some ways I can keep going without falling apart. 

Yet through it all, All I can hear is my mothers words about deserving to be as I am and never deserving to be happy etc. To be honest I am starting think she is probably right, because what have I done or achieved in this life to be happy? I know generally people say always look on the bright side, but honestly what is bright about things I have been through? 

So far this life has taught me that those I trust will always hurt me and that I am better off not trusting anyone and staying clear of people in order to make it through the day. Why care or trust anyone when all they do is hurt you and take you for granted/use you? Even family seem to be like that. 

I made some changes a few weeks ago in the hopes some would finally leave me alone and stop harassing me due to a certain situation in my life, but apparently that doesn't work. Although I guess they finally may leave me the hell alone now they have finally got what they wanted..... The situation to no longer exist due to the fact I guess someone and I will no longer have contact after something thats happened today.... 

Just when you think life may slowly be getting a little better a bombshell is dropped that makes you realise life isn't finished kicking your ass to the ground and hurting you... But i guess with the news I should be happy for them but how can you support and be happy for someone when you know its going to end up being a disaster and dont want to watch it happen.....  I cant! I finally have realised I cant support something I dont believe is right, and in turn am probably hurting someone I care about. But with the bombshell they dropped I guess it probably doesn't matter as it will be like I never existed once their bombshell is actioned... 

So I guess I just have to figure out how to just pretend the past year never happened and just get my life back how it was before.... *sigh* at least now I have my close friends at hand since one of the changes I made happened two weeks ago and I am back where I belong...  I may never get what I wanted from life, be doing a degree and job I dont want to do because it reminds me of the fact i will never have my own family or anything of that matter but at least I feel at home..... 

I guess the next few months will be the start of getting back to life as it was before this time last year happened..... 

"..Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?"

Hmmm so  it was a lil bit of an up & down week the past week, as I wasn't well and yet travelled to wellington to see friends. Once I got there it wasn't too bad though. It was nice to see a few people (I would say everyone but no I didn't get to see everyone due to time etc).  

I got to catch up with "K" several times and head to our favourite cafe in Courtney Place where I always feel I can just be me. Free from everything that's been going on since I left Wellington. Its where "K" and I can go talk girl talk and just relax, As well as try new Noms and have  a good giggle. Oh and don't forget the fact they make the best Iced Coffee ever!!! The other best part about having time with "K" is seeing my favourite pampered pooch, Miss Cassy! Who as usual gave Aunty Pix loads of cuddles and puppy kisses!
 
I got to stay with a good close friend of mine and just forget life and stress for a bit which was nice. I also got to have time with Miss 4 who I have always had a bit of a soft spot for. So we read books and giggled together & took photos etc before she went to her dads on Easter Sunday. I then got to also meet Miss 2 who is just as cute as Miss 4 so of course I fell in love with her too! and if these two are anything to go by their baby sister who is on her way is going to be Gorgeous and full of mischief like her two big sisters!!  Spending time with them reminded me of what I probably will never have but it also reminds me that at least I get the fun of being an aunt and just enjoying my time with them. 

Yesterday I spent time with my "lil brother" along with "N" so we had quite a few laughs while in the Mall shopping and just generally being nosey. Albeit they both had fun at taking the piss out of me for my silly lil things! But it was nice & relaxing and it felt like I had not been away from home at all.

Today was a different story though after landing back in Auckland last night. It hit me though that I really do not particularly like Auckland. I put up with it and wont let it beat me while I have to be up here but it's not home.

I had another  counseling session this afternoon to work through some things from the past etc and things Ive been working on since last year etc etc. Lets just say I really wish there was a White Knight to save me after today's session. I wanted to burst into tears yet i refuse to let myself, I have done enough crying the past 8-9months that its like I am not sure I even have the energy to do it again. 

The silly thing is I came to the conclusion its my own fault in one particular situation, I could have got myself out of the situation months ago if only I could let myself break promises and just walk away.  Although it would probably still cause me pain for quite some time it would be less stress and things.  Silly me instead puts up with being taken for granted and walked over, harassed and hurt. Something I have decided is not going to keep happening if I can help it. 

So instead I am going to focus on what I want at the moment which is to get my assignments done and spend a bit more time reading my novel that has sat there being ignored since last week when it arrived and just have some me time. Because really in all honesty I probably don't need a white knight to save me when for years I have been saving myself......... forever alone but yet still happy.

"Embrace the Past and you can live for now, and I, will give the world to you."

I have been contemplating this post for a few weeks and haven't been sure weither to post it or not but to hell with it I shall just do it anyways... 

 In the past 6-7months I have finally been dealing and accepting my past due to being pushed to deal with it due to someone close to me... I even started counseling again and am coping a lot better then I thought I would be. But after the appointment the other day I am kinda frustrated with said person, because as much as they pushed me, they won't deal with their own stuff or the stuff to do with what they helped cause either.

To me I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place, not only does that person push & pull me, I have others also telling me what I should and shouldn't do with the overall situation as well. It frustrates me though that I start dealing and realising things but there is generally nothing I can do.

I get used as a relationship sounding/bounce board and yet I shouldn't be because of the promise made to me and the fact of what happened between us, but apparently its ok to discuss "relationship" things with me anyways... I guess you can't make someone see right and wrong, they have to figure it out for themselves, but I'm the one left hurting more because of someone else's actions.

I guess the saying is true that sometimes people only see what they want to see, and for someone who hates confrontation and dealing with things its easier to not see how they are hurting someone else. 

I am just hoping once the middle of the year gets here I will have distanced myself enough that as much as it will always hurt, I w ill at least be able to cope and be ok, because there is nothing I can do to change what they have decided, and I am fine with that. The sad thing is I see them giving up on their dreams/goals/aspirations and they probably won't have the support to get back to them, but it is not my job to do so. 

If I go back to how I was in Wellington at least I can numb the pain... Although I cant seem to even numb it enough at the moment. Some days are easier then others, especially when said person doesn't contact me and I have a feeling contact will stop completely when they do what they have planned. 

I doubt they will ever really see how things are or could be when they are so stuck in seeing things with rose tinted glasses and telling me no matter what that things don't work... If its one thing I have learned the past year is you don't know unless you try!! and with that lesson I have actually started trying new things in all aspects of life... so in a way as much as said person has caused so much in a way they did give the world to me in the fact I try new things etc even when  I am scared shitless!

"Hit me with the worst you got and knock me down Baby, I don't care!"

I came to the conclusion this week while I was facing hard decisions that for the past 10months I have been harassed and had crap said about me due to one of the big situations in my life. I have let it get to me and affect how I think and react with someone. I realised that I shouldn't be letting it! If they think they know my life without knowing the full story then so be it... They obviously are not happy with their own lives and feel the need to knock others down to feel better. I don't need them reminding me how crap etc I am etc, as I already beat myself up over things I've stuffed up lol... but at least I can honestly say that I have never harassed or hurt someone like they have me. I also forgive them because they obviously don't know any better. I hope one day they learn from their mistakes... whereas I've learned even if you know whose behind it no-one really cares or will deal with it :( The past week I decided that I'm not going to care what others think when it comes to my decisions I'm making them for me & me alone because I truly am alone in this world in some ways. So time to set my goals and go.... I have given up the silly childhood notion of meeting anyone to end up with etc, because the one thing I have learned is I just can't do relationships in any way shape or form... so I'm just going to throw myself completely into work & study because that's the only real things I've got going for me so might as well give it my all... I'm going to be 31 in 4months time so time to get serious and just get degree and work....

Whoops - Deleted Post From 22nd Feb

In realising I accidently deleted my post from last week about a white knight..., and not saving a draft copy :/ - lesson learned