Whoops - Deleted Post From 22nd Feb

In realising I accidently deleted my post from last week about a white knight..., and not saving a draft copy :/ - lesson learned

" She got her head in the clouds And she's not backing down..."

so this week started out pretty crazy yet the above lyrics have been stuck in my head... Kinda fitting for someone who has done a tonne of thinking & decision making lately on how to achieve what goals I have for the year while the past 8 wks things have been chaotic and falling down around me.

I realised lately that to hell with what anyone else thinks I am going to put myself first on a few decisions... With my head held high and remembering that those that love me and care will understand and if not then screw them!

I'm still heading for my goals just doing it slightly different to how I first planned :)

so since I have been miserable since day 1 up here due to the job being ripped out from under me I am going to get back to where I am happy. Instead of being all alone up here which is what i have benn the past several weeks since things disintergrated with my bestie &  one other. I'm going to go back to where I have friends  & family.  I discovered I can transfer uni's etc which helps so Roll on the next four months so I can be back in the familar and with ppl who truly care etc.

I also realised  while I was down in Invercargill that as much as I dislike the place and was born in warm sunny Hawkes Bay, I really am a Southland Country gal at heart and that you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the gal!  

Which could be a reason this gal is hasn't been coping  in the concrete jungle of Auckland. I realised when we went to see Miss 5  on her first ever fishing trip on sunday how much I learned growing up down there, with holidays in Orepuki & camping at the lakes etc.....

I wouldn't be me without the experiences I had growing up down there even though I was always dreaming on how to get away from there..... now as the lyrics say "she's got her head in the clouds and she's not backing down".... its true I'm still going to fight to get what I want to achieve!

"Filled with catastrophe, but she knows she can fly..." - AND SO I SHALL!!! :-)

Everybody has a dark side...

So as mentioned in my post the other day, I now have to start dealing with some things from the past that to be honest scare me immensely. I know if don't deal with them they will come back to bite me when I least expect it again. As it is they have the past year and it's made me make some decisions I now regret and probably always will...

Tomorrow at noon is the first time in quite awhile that I will have to sit and deal with things and I'm scared as hell to be doing so. The last time I was this scared was while I was on holiday, and instead due to my past I didn't make the best decisions. I guess what makes it that little bit harder is knowing that the one person I would normally talk to after events etc, I can't really run to because of whats happened.  I'm alone and have no support while going through this and that person whom had promised they would always be there no matter what isn't. They got me to trust them which I don't do easily and open up and now they are gone and I am left to try keep together without support.... 

It leaves me with so many unanswered questions, which I'm not sure is more frustrating then the whole situation itself or what.... 

To be honest I feel like I am probably going to lose it completely at this appointment tomorrow and never be the same person again. The last week has been hard enough with everything in my life feeling like its completely falling apart without the realisation that I am all alone up here and have no support...Because on top of everything going on in my life, I have been dealing with the fact my bestie (A) may not be around for the plans we made in the future. The future seems awfully bleak with all this going on. How do you stay strong when you know they are fighting for their life again this time worse then the first time they fought the shitty wanky thing called Cancer? It's breaking me knowing I am so far apart and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it...

All of us have secrets and skeletons in the closet and I know tomorrow is supposed to help with all this and every appointment thereafter.

 Everybody has a dark side as Kelly Clarkson mentions in her song Dark Side and I know mine came exploding out the other week when things happened. I hit rock bottom and lost the plot completely, but in doing so I have lost someone I care about because they are blaming themselves for what happened that day and that's something I am probably not going to be able to fix :( 

What hurts more is the fact I have let them see every other dark side of me including my illness and even my anxiety attacks (although I had tried to prevent that) and yet this time it broke something that probably can't be fixed...  For someone like me who hates upsetting or hurting anyone and always puts everyone else first (as someone put it I'm a martyr), it's killing me inside to know that I have done something I may never be able to repair because I was too stubborn to listen sooner about the fact I wasn't dealing with things... 

I am not one for giving up and this is no exception but how do you keep going and keep fighting when someone wants to give up?   How do you overcome your dark side when you openly accepted theirs and all that comes with it and reassure yourself that its ok things are saveable/fixable? 

Friendships are tricky things and some days I wonder if I was really cut out to have them, my mind is great with Science and art but give it things like daily relationships and friendships etc and it just doesn't seem to deal/cope well..... 


I guess all I can do for the moment is at least deal with my dark side and keep trying to keep going support or not... and keep finding the positives in each day, which as hard as they are its one thing I can do to keep going and keep being me... 

It's not a bad thing when someone knows the darkest parts of you BatB 2012

"A heart of numbness..."

So the past week has been a tough one... some things happened that made me realise you really don't know what you've got till it's gone (or just about gone...).

I realised the past week after hurting someone I care about that they had done something for me without even really realising it...

Infact it took watching a recent episode of Glee {naked episode} to realise. I used to be someone who thought I was OK as I was, someone who was focused on goals/aspirations which were to do with my art, along with getting lost in my world of books and creativeness. Sure I spent time with friends as well but I didn't really let anyone in...

I wasn't living infact I realised recently that I was existing but not really living. It was like going through the motions of day to day life without feeling....

There are so many reasons for why I was like that and to be honest I have only really realised that in the past few weeks and started making a plan to deal with them (but that's a different post entirely).
This one person without me even realising (I am not even sure they realise they did it either), made me realise that part of the reason I chose to live like that was because of my past and not loving myself because of what happened and what I grew up being told....

They have made me realise that it doesn't matter what my parents grew up telling me... I'm my own person and even though I'm scared I can do things. That I am NOT the words they said.
This one person accepted me for me when I didn't even like me and wanted to push them away because I didn't think I deserve anyone to care about me bcos of the past amd my illness and other things.... and to be honest I still struggle with the idea of people knowing when I'm sick or seeing that because I don't like the idea of someone seeing me unable to move etc.

After the past week I realised I took it all for granted that they would always be there when I needed them. Instead I stuffed up big time and now have to deal...But I will be forever grateful that they taught me that its OK and that now I'm not so scared no matter what the outcome of anything I face in life, because a heart of numbness can be brought back to life.... and I am at least really living again... and being a lil more me again :)

So Thank-you.
Here's the song that had me thinking...

Scary new beginnings

So the past week I have finally got the last of my enrollment stuff sorted for AUT. Its a scary thought going back to Uni after working and doing my photography. 6 months ago I was adamant I was not going back to uni and I refused to even give it a second thought. I was determined to just keep fighting to find a position in ECE no matter what. 

I received several lectures from two close people about why I should consider it and yet me and my stubbornness still stuck to the NO I wont do it plan... Till November arrived and I had set myself a deadline to find a job in Auckland. The deadline lapsed, I still kept applying but I agreed that I really should enroll at Uni and it went from there. 

So last Friday I took paperwork in that they required and "A"and I went for a nosey around the city campus... We found the library and I was quite happy that I could spend copious amounts of time there... *insert nerd face here* lol.... 

I have also had to start looking for a new place as the lease on the Apartment runs out just as Uni starts in March and with "A" heading out of Auckland I decided what better way to start the year at uni with somewhere I am happy and hopefully reunited with Ninja-Kitty, so the hunt is on...

I had a phonecall last week from an ECE Centre I had an interview at a few months back. One that was interesting as I remember it clear as day now, as I channeled a comment someone always tells me when  im having one of those days lol.... They are keen to see me in a month or so to possibly sort a Teacher-in-Training Position so that would be great...

Although I also have an interview tomorrow with another centre which sounds promising.. I think at this point in time anything promising is good and a great way to keep my mind off other matters. 

So far January has been a weird month... In some aspects I feel like I am missing a limb so to speak. Other aspects I am now back enjoying the gym and taking out my frustrations there like I did when I was in Welly. 

I am off to see family in Invercargill in just over a week and am really looking forward to it as its been just about a year since I saw them when I left Christchurch... 

Hello 2013......

So 2013 has been here just about a full 7 days & it's already been a rollercoaster ride thus far...

I saw the New Year in reflecting on the past year and all it held while sitting on the beach front watching waves crash & the moon (which was freaking huge compared to normal) reflecting on the water....

2012 was one that started out with hope & a plan... The plan changed to one I didn't expect at all. It taught me a lil more about myself as a person, a lot about what life can throw at you & what I can handle. It also taught me A LOT about TRUST!

Along with having to say goodbye to some I thought were friends etc... it also taught me that family is what you make it & sometimes friends really are the family you pick for yourself...

All and all it was a rollercoaster ride that I managed to survive, and I wouldn't change it!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

2013 has been here 6 days and I have already had obstacles thrown this way....

I have had stuff I got out of storage along with my laptop stolen...

Strange news from home (chch)....

But also Amazing news from a very close friend/family which has me believing anything can happen if you dream a little..... :-)

That hindsight is a great thing! But sadly never helpful when you need it so giggling & hope at least help...

I have even started back at the gym & found my determination again.... (OK admittedly I was pushed to find something to do lol but in doing so have remembered why I enjoy going etc)...

So this year is one I shall hopefully stay focused-ish on the plan & goals I have set.... (I say ish because nothing really goes how I plan lol)..... but onwards & upwards!!

The end of 2012 is drawing closer.....

So It's officially December 27th - Boxing Day, and I am sitting here reflecting on the past 12 months. Some of it good some of it not so much in some ways... As well as looking at the lessons learned over the past months as well... 

I guess I could pretty much sum the past year up as a definite learning curve, where I have learned to voice my opinion a little more, stand up for myself and show others I am not some quiet lil door mouse when the need arises.. 

The past year started off with a plan, and I knew where I was heading and what I was going to aim towards doing... Then it changed into this Roller-coaster ride which I have not had full control over... Would I change it? umm Probably not because I have learned a lot about how much I can handle, as well as how good I am at figuring out a new plan when one changes. Albeit its been emotionally draining at times, I am glad to say I have made it this far in life and I haven't given up yet so I don't think I ever will.. 

This year has seen me move from Christchurch to Wellington due to having enough of the quakes & crazy family dramas, and then from Wellington to Auckland due to job stuffs. Unfortunately job things got changed but it has given me what I need to end up going back to Uni to study and head in a slightly different direction. The move to Auckland has also meant I get a lil more time with my Best-friend who generally can get me to see sense in most things...Well apart from one thing this year to which I think she still wants to slap the stupid out of me *giggles* either that or shes just going to keep rolling her eyes at me.... 

This year has also meant that I have made some decisions and had to cut some people loose from my life for different reasons. Each time it has been hard but yet I am a happier person for doing so.... I guess the saying of  "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, when you know which one you will know what to do for that person..." is true in most aspects. Sadly some have caused trouble since and continue to do so but for once, I DON'T CARE!!!  stuff them! if they think its about them then so be it, they never once showed their loyalty or seemed to know the true meaning of friendship if that's the case. 

This year has also been one for not relying on others for anything and it was kind of working... Till someone kinda half busted it... Its probably not a bad thing but it  changed a few things and in the end made me feel kind of like an expensive piece of china... COMPLETELY BREAKABLE! (in many ways)... and its something I am not sure I know how to deal with... I don't like being vulnerable in any way.. I am always the one who does things for others and doesn't need anyone.... 


Another awesome thing for this year is the fact I am still a Shrinking Violet and have come along way even without going to the gym every day for the last 5 months of the year.... Although I plan to change that in the New Year as I want to at least go swimming and the Gym a bit more each week since I can't run in the concrete jungle of Auckland as its nasty!

So Merry Christmas to all.... 

Afternoon Christmas walk on Raumati South Beach 2012