One birthday wish....

Tomorrow it's a month till my birthday and I'm reminded of the fact neither of my best friends will be there to celebrate it... One has been gone just about two years and if she was here I'm not sure id be in the situation I've been in for the past year because I would have been able to talk to someone. Maybe I wouldn't be so scared or letting my fears get the better of me 😞

I don't want to get a year older without Andrea being here another year without my best friend. Let alone another birthday without him talking to me 😢 It was hard enough last year with him only half being there for my birthday. I don't want this one without either of them. How can I have stuffed things up so much that I'm dreading my birthday? I'm going to be 34 with no family of my own, no best friends nothing at all 😞 and from the looks of it, it's always going to be like this because I'm damaged goods as some would say...

I wish I didn't have to be an adult, I wish l could turn back time and fix things but I can't bring Andrea back and I can't fix things with him it seems which is why I had to say goodbye even tho it hurts like hell.  But I have to keep going and put on the brave face and keep dealing with my fears and learn to just be...

Just wish the next month wasn't creeping up on me, I don't want to have my birthday without him in my life 😕

🌟I guess if I could wish for one thing this year it would be him still being in my life 🌟

3...

I put on the happy face every time I brave the world, pretend that everything is 100% fine and dandy. Whereas in reality it's completely not, I've lost more than I realised these past 6 months. I've lost a part of me, I've lost who I am, who I want to be and that one person who is always there no matter what even when you don't want them to be.
It's probably one of the hardest things I'm going to go through along with learning to be ok with the fact that not everything i want in my life will actually happen. Which is part of why I know I've lost who I am and what I want to be too... Yet I have to deal with it all and find someway to accept those things and just be at peace with them like I was a few years ago. Except this time it's a lot different, because last time was a choice this time it's not so much a choice...

While learning to cope and accept that I still have to keep it together and look like everything is fine and dandy to everyone else. Because people don't really want to know when something is wrong etc they more just want to pass small pleasantries when they ask how you are instead of having full blown conversations about how one truly feels etc...

Life changes in the blink of an eye and yet things stay the same....

I get that one has been trying to teach me a lesson yet at the same time I wish they would see the hurt it causes. I get that one doesn't believe I will stick to my word yet I meant it last week that I don't want to keep things going like this... I want the belongings gone from my life and my house since one can't even talk to me, instead holds a grudge and thinks it's ok.... That I will still be here, yet that's not fair on me or anyone. I want to keep living my life even if things are missing and not hurt anymore...

I'm going to show them all I can do it with out their help and bs. Show him it's not what he thinks either.

Day 1....After all is said and done...

This morning I forced myself to get up, get dressed and head to the gym... Why? Because I know it always helps even though I didn't want to work out I did it anyway. I know if I don't my back aches and leg plays up so I figured even if it was the only thing I did all day I got dressed and went to the gym. I worked out for over an hour although I didn't do my full work out.

Today's been hard I'm not going to lie, I had a cry in the shower at the gym. I had a cry sitting and just thinking this afternoon while doubting what decision I made yesterday. Yet I know I have made it with the right intentions and to try do what's right. I just hope one day the pain subsides and I'll be ok inside. It's easy to look ok on the outside I've been doing it for so long the last few years that it pretty much comes naturally even tho I know it shouldn't 😕

I know from last time when "he" left me the pain doesn't really go away you just learn to ignore it so it doesn't hurt as much. I'm not sure tho this time if I can ignore it as there's 4 years of memories and happiness to ignore... But I'm trying.

When you say nothing at all...

Four weeks....Four weeks of nothingness, four weeks of wanting to fix/sort/figure things out, four weeks to end up with the most painful answer on my own because four weeks ago you obviously left my life for good 😞

Yet four years ago you came into my life and seemed like you were determined to be in it to stay. How wrong was I to think/feel that I guess. I know a lot of it is my own fault, I let you have me believe every word that came from your mouth and messages. I let my walls down against my better judgement and now pay the ultimate price and the crap thing is I still want to believe...

I want to believe it wasn't all a farce, that even the past 2years we weren't distancing ourselves like I felt/thought was happening. Unfortunately the past 10mnths especially since January I have been feeling more and more like that's exactly what you planned, for us to become so distant its like we never existed to each other. It's been more noticeable since January when everything changed... We stopped talking/communicating like we used to, days could go by in silence. I hardly saw you and when I did it was like it was all a little secret and like I shouldn't be seeing you even though it was a five minute car ride, or the 15minutes you spent to get me to sign your passport papers. None of it was quality time and I'm guessing it's because it made it easier for you to be distant. Just like the day we planned to go to the movies and it was cancelled, I guess it becomes easier to keep cancelling when you want someone to disappear?

Then the past four weeks it's been completely like it never existed - did we truly even know each other? Were we actually friends? Because friends don't do this no matter how much they are hurt by each other. For four years I believed we could get through anything that as long as we believed in each other, supported each other and fought for what's right it would be ok... I guess I was wrong 😞

Today I wrote the last post in the book, why? Because it's obvious that you gave up on me, on our friendship and everything long before now and I don't have the strength to fight an eclipse anymore. I can't go on living like I have the past four weeks anymore so I need to say goodbye and thank you. Thank you for helping me become a better person, one who tries to trust and care, and one who tries to believe in happy afters even if there isn't one for me.
I wish you an amazing life and hope that you get all you dream of & be happy always

Goodbye.

Sempre. x

Its not what I want but i know its what i have to do after the past 4 weeks...

I have nothing left to fight for in this friendship when i am the only one here so I have to do whats right and say goodbye because you already left me again.

So much can change in 14 days....

Its been 14 days since everything with someone kinda blew way out and I was left to not have that one person in my life that has been there for a lot the past few years... That one person who become that person without me realizing for awhile... Yet in that 14days so much has opened my eyes and changed.

As much as I miss that person and feel like a part of me is missing, I am also doing things I wouldn't do before hand or had the confidence to do. I am believing in myself and speaking my mind and making decisions no matter how much it could hurt or annoy someone. I am trusting my gut instincts and not following what anyone else says (and yes it seems I have been right on the money with them too!).  I have also just been taking time for me, doing things that I want/need to do in order to just be ok... It doesn't change the fact i feel like I am missing a piece of me  or that I can't talk to the one person I want to talk to or run and tell things to, but it does help me with resembling the person I used to be before we met. Although I have to keep reminding myself that I can't go completely back to that person because I know living in "my bubble" as that person called it wasn't exactly good for me and I know I started really living because of that person too.

Each day I have to remind myself its ok to cry and feel hurt or scared but that I have to keep going anyways because life doesn't stop just because that person isn't around. I have a business I have to keep working or I wont hit my goals and dreams. I have to remind myself that I go to the Gym and Swimming because without it I lose a piece of me and also have issues with my back if I dont. I have been finding i dont want to get out of the water lately... something about being a mermaid and forgetting whats going on in my life when I am in the water! although I know that unlike every other time in the past 4 years I wont run away this time... I Cant! & I Wont! Because for some reason my gut instincts and head & heart wont let me... Even though I don't see things being ok anytime soon, hell I don't feel like they will be for quite a long time if at all because I know as much as I am dealing with my stuff it takes two to tango and only one of us is dealing with things with our friendship and only one of us wants things to be ok from where I am standing :( as much as I am sad and hurting and the likes I know that I can't fix or change things and that I have to just keep going, keep fighting and just doing/going through life even if the other person never comes back and thats ok,

I have learned the past two weeks that no matter how hurt and hard things are I can find the positives and have a laugh with friends. I can succeed with my business without even realising and be shocked when I am actually informed how awesome i am actually doing. Hell I have pretty much just been doing things lately without a thought to much when it comes to the business, focusing on small everyday goals/weekly goals/monthly goals because of the fact I dont generally get recognition for what I do with things in life or business and I am generally ok with that. Why? Because normally at least i could go to this one person and we could at least do a movie or dinner to celebrate my little victories.. Yet my last success was overshadowed by their graduation and holiday so it meant nothing, no celebration zilch nada. That hurt quite a lot and felt like I didnt matter at all.. Maybe i just expect too much from someone who has never really given me the true time of day? I know the saying about the fact people make time for those that are important and Time was never really made for me and I have just had to be ok with it when it comes to this person. Which hurts a lot as I have always dropped what I am doing if they needed me and yet the same isnt done for me....

I guess thats why I have been learning over the past few weeks that I shouldnt jump when people want me to... Because no-one does for me for which I am ok with these days because it makes you realise who is worth your time and effort and energy. Sadly I feel like a fool for giving this person so much of my time, energy and effort when they couldnt do the same for me. Does that make me a sucker?  or just a fool?

The good thing is I am also learning to just give myself time, If i need to cry then I wont beat myself up about it I cry then find something to make me smile and carry on with my day, kinda like how I handled not being able to walk at times before my surgery. I will not let this get me down or upset or angry with myself, because I know that I am doing the right thing for me. I also know that for the past 5 days I have been ready to apologise for certain things I said but I will not do it via text message email or otherwise. Nor will I apologise for the things I am not sorry for because that is not right and I know in myself that it would just cause me to beat myself up when I shouldnt.

Its funny how life can teach you things without realising till you sit down to write and so much more than what you planned to say ends up spilling out of you. I guess thats why I have always said I am better at writing than talking because writing is where I can really be me and just say everything I need to even if my thoughts dont make complete sense to others at least they know.

Who knew life could change so dramatically so quickly, yet at the same time I am proving I can do things no matter what support or lack thereof I have, I can achieve my goals still and heck I can even laugh and have fun even while hurting on the inside. I also get to keep my integrity because I feel I am doing the right thing by not saying something when it was cause a situation and sound like I dont care or support others decisions, even though it means I am left hurting it means its not hurting others.

I may never get the things I want in life but at least I am still able to find positives in the days, I can smile and be happy and know that I did it without falling completely to pieces and losing myself completely. My life may not be where or what I envisioned/dreamed/thought a few years ago and i am learning to be ok with that and still smile and know I am doing my best with what i have. I will still achieve my goals and dreams even if it takes me longer than others and will show them I did not need them to make it happen for me. I am learning to just enjoy being myself and liking myself for who i am no matter what anyone else thinks :)

Always doesn't mean Always......

why do people say they will Always be there? That they will Always care?

When you learn that it's not so true as time passes... In fact it's a pretty hurtful and hard lesson to learn that someone you care for and trust isn't there, that they never fully wore and you were just something to pass the time and boost their ego. How do you learn to accept that and just kept going? How do you not hold that against other people you meet in life?  I guess that's possibly an age old question for many people. It just hurts though when it's someone you trusted with so much and they can then use everything know to hurt you and manipulate you or silently and quickly just disappear from your life.


I always tried to believe that one person in my life didn't lie to me or use things to hurt me. That they did things for the right reasons and because they gave a damn about me. Seems I was a complete idiot in that respect and trusted someone who was manipulating me for the better part of 4 years and had me believe they cared when they didn't. It was all about keeping them from being alone and boosting their ego till they got what they wanted elsewhere. I realised this past weekend they also use Gaslighting to make me question myself and what I believe and remember. Perfect way to manipulate someone is to have them question their own sanity and that sadly is exactly what this person has done to me.  I'm not angry at them because I feel they obviously do not know any better, they also can't feel that great in their own life if that's how they need to treat people. I know in the beginning we used to encourage, support and boost each other and I believe that was true but somewhere we lost all that and that's ok it's life.


The good thing is at least I am learning that it's ok to feel like I stuffed up, that I trusted someone I shouldn't have and like a fool, because inside I'm becoming stronger, I'm learning to be the person I want to be even if I have no one but me in my life at least I am doing what's right for me. Living life on my own terms and not being forced to be something/someone that I am not. I have my goals and I am determined to get them and smash them. I am worth more than many have let me believe👍🏽

So this year is about changes, dreams and goals and achieving the impossible and doing it all on my terms and without others who doubt, hurt or anything else! I CAN & WILL DO THIS!!

Losing a Piece of me, my life... without a goodbye.

So much has changed in the last 6 months, and most of it not how I had imagined or planned or even wanted the changes to be like... Heck I am sitting here wondering how the hell things got so messed up and honestly - I just don't know anymore.

What I do know is there's a piece missing from my life and I can't fix it. I cant bring it back and I cant just magically make it appear. I have to accept that the piece will always be missing and try to just be ok with that, because it was not my choice for that piece to be missing from my life. That piece made the decision themselves and I have no idea why...  One minute we were having a pretty normal conversation and then silence, and its been like that ever since.  I have a pretty good idea what exactly happened but without that piece telling me Its all just an idea no firm facts. But all in all, what I do know is its me that's hurting, Its me that loses something that matters to me. Me that loses something/someone i valued dearly even if I have for the last few years/months whatever struggled to answer one question they always held over me...

I never thought I could feel like I did when I made the decision to leave and pretend that piece of my life never existed, yet I can honestly say the past few weeks that in actual fact I feel it more now then I did then. Maybe because this time it seems so final, like my life will never have this piece back in it. That i lost something so important to me and this time its not coming back and I have no idea what I did wrong, no idea why its me that always gets hurt and me that suffers the consequences while the others get what they want and can pretend like i never existed. Did everything mean nothing to them? Was I just nothing? were they really in my life for the reasons they said? or was it all just lies? something so they didnt have to be alone? or some torturous game to destroy me so they can get their kicks?

All of those questions swimming around in my head because I have no answers, I may never have any answers, and thats the bit that hurts the most. This one person who said they would never let someone tell them they cant be in my life, who always tells me to keep fighting for what i believe in, who said they want to fix things... Just up and disappears from my life for no reason :( and just leaves me feeling like its all my fault. Left me questioning what I did wrong, why  people can say one thing and yet do another :(

I just do not get it anymore, but I have lost that one person I could talk to about anything and everything, who would be there no matter what and I could laugh and cry with and they would always remind me it was ok to do either. I dont even know if they realise how much they meant to me or why.... All i can do is hope that they have an amazing life and get everything they want out of it.

While I try to pretend there isnt some piece missing from my life and try to achieve the goals I keep setting myself and hope like hell I dont keep screwing up like i have the past four or so years :(

I know Life is what you make it and even when life fell to pieces during my injury etc I kept fighting through and  I know thats what I will continue to do but sometimes its a lot harder when you dont have that support you used to have. Or when you lose that person that you always turn to and you dont know why... How do you keep focusing on goals when theres no one to celebrate your successes with? Especially when is there any point achieving when that person ceases to exist in your life?