What do you do when believing hurts?

For the past two weeks I have been trying so hard to believe that what I think and feel towards a certain situation is right. That I'm not being lied to and hurt again that I can trust a person's word. As well as believing in my own gut instincts.

But it's getting so hard to do so.... I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing or not and at the moment I have far too much time on my hands to think  due to my injury...

I wish there was a manual so one could understand life and how to handle different situations bit there isn't. We just have to try believe we are making the right decisions and that we can trust others around us.

The upside this past week is I had training for Camp Quality last weekend. I feel empowered and ready to handle my camper if I'm matched and ready to give them an amazing week of fun and enjoyable experiences at camp in January. It also gives me something to look forward to since other things seem to get forgotten about and only I seem to remember 😕

Roll on the next 4 weeks when I will know if I have been matched with a camper for January ☺

Why can't things have a resemblance of normality?

This week has been frustrating as hell due to the nerve issues that had me in hospital on Monday. It's meant that I can't do things for too long and that I can be in excruciating pain just while standing in the shower. So this is where frustration sets in as I hate not being able to do things. I also hate the fact the one person whom I thought would at least check on how i am etc has been too wrapped up in themselves to care. Not even a text to ask how I am 😕

Which hurts immensely as up until I came back to the North Island it seemed like they actually cared a lot. Now I feel like it's out of sight out of mind. Although today after a text I got from a completely different person I feel like i never mattered the last few mnths were just to boost ones ego etc till she wanted him again. I'm not sure what to believe but I really just wish I could have erased everything even though it hurts me to think that way erasing the last few yrs might actually help with removing feelings and at least letting me stop falling for the b.s. he seems to keep bringing to my life.

I hate that we don't choose who we fall for. That it just happens.. I also hate that the bitch who lied and made me loose trust in him is still affecting how i think... due to what's been happening past few weeks. Her words shouldn't affect me but they do just like how he does things affects me not that he realises.

I just wish I could have some normality in my life and stability and know whether I really can trust the people in my life and whether they do plan on keeping his word.

But i guess wishes are just that and never happen....

Pain... Be Gone!

So my second trip to the hospital in 3 months this week...Why? Because Southland Hospital never really did their job well and I've ended up having a relapse.

So after 4.5 hours at Wellington hospital, excruciating pain in my left hip causing me to not be able to walk on Monday.  The Dr at E.D. had me do xrays and concluded that we need a 6 week management plan that includes physio (& we all know that will equal more pain). Along with new pain meds and that if the next 6 wks of physio etc doesn't help then we go back for more tests...

So 3 days later and I can walk but can't do too much at once otherwise it gets really achey and I need to rest. But the doctor did say to try a Lil more each day as other wise it will get worse, as is the joy of muscle/nerve damage connecting back & hips. I'm only taking meds at bed time and first thing in the morning so as not to be headachey or sluggish.

The downside to having to take things easy and be careful is I'm getting bored at home. As well as only having my flatmate for support as the other person I thought would be supportive is in their own Lil world it seems lately.

Thank god for books and dvds at the moment! Let's hope physio helps things come right as I have training next wknd for Camp Quality.

Secrets & Lies and all things in between.

So I have been struggling to understand  this since the weekend  and can't really tell the one person I want to talk to about it because  I'm not sure if a shit storm will follow. I did tell little bits of it bcos as soon as I heard his voice I broke down in tears.

I hate that I trusted someone because  others did and they knew I don't trust people easily and then this person used me to their advantage  and hurt me. I am frustrated  at myself for not trusting  my gut instincts  on something  this person said, instead I doubted myself and hurt myself in the process for 2 months till my sister & P said that they didn't think it was true either and that I should trust my instincts. For the past couple of years even he has been telling me to trust my instincts  and myself. Now I understand  why because  in someways  I let this person have power to hurt and use me.

She's darn lucky I never confronted him with the lies she told me. I can't even explain  why I didn't  just part of me felt I shouldn't...lucky for her too because I would hate to think what would happen  if I had. Especially  after what info I did tell him after bursting into tears on Monday night to him. He sounded so pissed off at how hurt I was as it tis  that had I told him everything  god I hate to think....

From where I am standing she had a mutual friend help too and that mutual friend was someone I had believed  in even when others didn't. I guess the lesson is though that you learn who your true friends  are when things like this happen.

I don't get why someone would lie the way she did. Even if you severely  dislike someone you shouldn't  stir the pot the way she did. Or if it's jealousy? Not that there's  reason to be jealous  from where I'm standing,  as she's the one whose got the things in life I've always  dreamed about...

It's weird and people  are weird and I guess questions will always go unanswered because  that's how life goes. I also find it funny she hasn't apologised for what she's done..

I hate that yet again someone has hurt me and made me doubt myself and my instincts  as well as have me doubt why I should trust someone in my life that's important to me. It hurts that i can't change  that I can only keep moving forward  as the past has been and gone. I wish I had never trusted her but I guess at the same time it's a lesson  I needed  to learn. I am glad she's removed  herself  from my life as people like that i do not need at all.

I guess I have learnt to take a different  stance after the harassment  and I know that I did nothing wrong and that this was an abuse of my trust.

Life & it's lessons

It's been just over a week since my bestfriend passed away, & the past 24hrs I've wanted to Skype/facebook/text her only to click on her name and then remembered that I can't and stop myself.  All because some things have happened in my crazy life that I would always tell her and one other first...

Now I'm pretty much back to keeping things to myself in many ways because Andrea is gone and the other person only seems to care when they want too. (Not sure if that's actually the case but it's certainly how i feel sadly).  I never thought I would end up just keeping things to myself as I always thought Andrea would be there.... As for the other one I'm not sure what to think as some days are better than others....

Life just really isn't how i thought it would be when I came home. In some ways it's Amazing but in other ways I'm sitting here wondering why I came back when in someways life's just like it was before I left and I want to erase things again so it won't hurt....

I feel like the things I realized I wanted in my life are just not going to happen because I already missed my chance and I decided too late so now the universe just gets to enjoy me getting pissed off bcos the things I want are so far out of my grasp.

I guess that's when you learn Hindsight is a bitch and that life should have a manual sometimes...

Then it just makes me think maybe I just have to get used to this crap bcos it's how my life is and nothing will change even though I try so why try? *shrug*

BUT at least I can say I'm grateful my flatmate is awesome, my new cat is a great snuggler and that I can find something to smile about each day even when it's been horrible.  

Lemons, Lemons & more Lemons.

The past 2 weeks have been a bit up & down, As I finally arrived home in Wellington and had to start unpacking things.  I'm lucky in the fact that I have a great flatmate who is understanding and caring and gets that sometimes life really does throw you lemons. 

Which lately it feels like it's doing it constantly.  I left so someone would be happy & better off, as well as hoping that distance and no contact would make all feelings disappear & like none of it ever happened.  It didn't work, I can't just flick a switch to make my emotions/feelings go away. I also can't seem to do what I think is right for others because I get yelled at for it. I thought at least if one person was happy and getting what they want then it would all be worth it... Apparently not!

I really do wish there was a way to turn feelings/emotions off though because they just destroy people/things, they add complications.  I have no idea what I am supposed to do in one aspect of my life which sucks big time. But i can hear what he said about I just have to deal/get over it bcos nothing changes it will always be this way.... which makes me still wonder why it all happened to begin with. Was I used? Was I a stand-in? Or have I always mattered but what's happened has destroyed anything possible?  All these questions which I will probably never have an answer to. He does keep telling me that if I didn't matter he wouldn't be around or call or do anything but some days I wonder if it's out of guilt... How did life get so complicated and difficult? 

To add to things, a day a go my bestfriend passed away. I am completely lost for words as she was only a few years older than me. Andrea was someone who was always there for me thru thick and thin as I was for her. We reminded each other to be brave and keep fighting.  She always had a smile when we skyped  etc no matter how she was feeling and that smile was infectious.  I hate the idea that I now have to live in a world without her smile and laughter. Life really is unfair sometimes as I'm not ready to say goodbye to my bestie. . .

What scares me is that she was only a few years older than me although she leaves a legacy thru her 2 children.  If I died what would I leave? Nothing... I'd just be dead, alone and dead and that scares me. 

It bites when you know what you want in life yet it's just never going to happen.  I had a taste of it yet I destroyed that and now live with the consequences everyday since.

I just hope Andrea knows how much we all loved her and how much we will miss her.

Fly free my amazing bestie xx

Hello August!

So it's been 7days I have been in the north island and I have to say it's been great to see the sunshine again. Let alone not feeling cold 24/7 and actually being able to wear dresses again!

As much as I feel happier for coming back to the North Island and seeing/realising things, I'm struggling with a few things. Things I am not sure i will be fully ok with for awhile. Let alone the fact as much as I know things something happens that makes me doubt or feel otherwise...

maybe I'm just too screwed up to be ok *shrug* because it seems as much as I try and I realise things and say things.... I end up doubting things/life and I have no idea if I'm making the right decisions....

I wish somedays life came with a manual so I knew what I am supposed to do....

The good thing is I have been able to focus more on my fitness again as I started back at configure this wk even tho I'm not in welly yet. It's helping to gain some focus and to block out the issues...

I still wish I could've deleted the past 2yrs so they never existed as maybe my head wouldn't be so confuzzled and I wouldn't be hurt or unsure of my decisions or who/what to believe these days. But apparently you can't erase time as you just end up hurting yourself more then you thought.

But sometimes it would make things easier....

But it's August and I'm going to focus on getting settled and just making a plan with uni and gym so I can focus on it all a Lil better now I'm back... one would say I'm going to live in a bubble again but I don't see it that way...

Although i did openly admit this week what I'm so terrified about but not completely why but in some ways I am not sure why I admitted it when it just makes things worse in some ways sadly...

I guess I will just never have the life I wanted growing up and as much as I hate to admit it not everyone gets what they want and as much as everyone deserves happiness sometimes  it just never happens. You just have to accept you're life as it is and be happy with the crap u get dealt each day :-)