"... Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do..."

I heard a song the past 24 hours that really made me think and realise after the past 2 years, I really need to start speaking my mind again and hold people accountable for what they do.  Hence the title of the post, its from Sara Bareilles song Brave.  It reminded me that words can hurt you but its how you react that makes it worse. If you sit and keep listening and taking in peoples nasty hurtful words and not dealing or speaking up they will hurt you. 

This relates to what I've been going through the past wee while, when trying to deal with what I grew up hearing my Parent tell me. Its taken the past 2 years and "him" getting shitty at me when I say the parents words are true, to finally realise they aren't,  just like my previous post. Words get in under skin and make you believe they are true and if you let them they can make you lose your confidence, reasoning and most importantly your life. Its Taken me most of my life to realise that the words I grew up hearing was what has been one of the things stopping me from being the confident, happy and content person I could be. One that can be brave and face fears and life with a smile. 

I have always found it hard to say what I believe in, what I want, what I dislike etc. I have never really been able to speak my mind, "AM" started teaching me to a few years back but it's just not me. I'm not sure if its because I don't tend to rock the boat or because I prefer to know my decisions don't hurt others and therefore don't speak my mind. I realised after hearing the song Brave that it's something I really need to learn to do in some situations, then maybe I wouldn't have gone through some of the things I have the past couple of years. I have always been someone who can write how I feel etc but never say it out loud, I can write goodbyes but yet cant speak them.  So now I have decided I have to learn to be brave and take leap and start just speaking up.... 

My first step was a text I sent yesterday, which my gut feeling told me I wouldn't get a reply from, which I was right I didn't.  Then again today I spoke up about something and never heard back...   A year ago I would have apologised for what I said this weekend but I really am not that girl anymore. I have to learn to speak up and just say things and this was one of the first steps because if I carry on doing what I was before this past weekend I probably will forever be peoples doormats, and I have been "his" emotional doormat for far too long. 

They say actions speak louder than words and I truly believe that to be true and will be sticking by my decision to be brave and speak my mind even if it rocks the boat, because as I have learned words left unspoken can eat away at you and leave you with What If's and regret. 

" Forget what we're told, Before we get too old..."

The last few days have had indepth discussions with a friend (SS) about the past and what I've been dealing with... and by the past I mean growing up.... which is the past I have been dealing with and trying to put behind me for awhile and hopefully have now.... (I may have the occasional moment where I may feel the past is right even tho I know its not these days).

I was first told I needed to deal with some of it because it apparently causes me issues when making decisions in my life according to "him". I wasn't so sure but I thought what the hell I might as well deal with my life...He was right there was some unresolved issues, considering I have had nothing to do with the parent who brought me up since January 2012. In some ways its been a blessing as I'm not reminded each day of the same things I was growing up. But I will admit there was a grieving process after walking away.  Not that I probably should have grieved considering what she put me thru.

I also get why "he" used to get angry when I used to say what I grew up hearing from said parent. He was right, what happened when I was 7 was not my fault, no child asks for that to happen. My parent should have protected me from it happening and not blamed me afterwards.  Altho in saying that does a parent who admits that they didn't adopt you out because they were keeping you to spite their mother (my grandmother), really want a child and going to protect them?

But after what happened instead of loving and supporting me etc,  I end up learning over the years that it was all my fault. That I didn't deserve to be happy,  didn't deserve a family because I broke ours, didn't deserve to be loved and certainly not end up married with children. 

So I believed that over the years, I played it safe going thru high school altho KF set me up with someone. It didn't get past a few group dates lol all because I believed like king midas in a way id destroy what I touched.  It also didn't help that when the opposite sex came near me alarm bells in my head went off and I can't stand them near me....

I'm not sure my parent has ever understood what shes put me thru but I guess thats her problem to deal with. We were never close considering I turned 11 and she handed me a book on puberty not once discussing any of it.  Everything with her was done from a distance, I don't even remember hugging her once without her flinching (another reason "he" coped my anger last yr). I was the child she openly admitted she didn't want unlike my younger sibling which is not something anyone should hear.

I went through life up until "he" made me see differently that I deserved unhappiness and to be on my own etc. (Albeit not having alarm bells etc in my head when the opposite sex touches me or comes near has only happened with 1 person). He made me start thinking she was wrong etc and had be start believing again. I also started counseling again due to it and have come to terms with what my parent has put me through. 

My decisions when I've dated etc were probably bad ones considering I dated these guys to appear normal. I did the "duties" because thats what you did to appear normal. While all I wanted was to be as far away from them as possible, I was panicking and screaming inside with alarm bells going off but I was with them to be normal. To look normal, to have a normal relationship...

I've since learned that trying to appear normal to others is probably not a good thing when it hurts me more. That I picked guys that made things worse and thanks to therapy and counseling I may only ever find 1 person who I feel safe and not have the heebie jeebies/alarm bells/panicking etc with and who could be near and touch me etc.

Through the past year with counseling and remembering what "he" kept telling me too. I know that it's ok to be happy and I can be loved, that I don't destroy things and enjoy life... I may only have 1 I feel safe etc with because of the past and I'm ok with that because I have found other aspects in life to enjoy and focus on. 

I did find one who has never caused all these things and didn't even realise at first, But I let it go so they could be happy... (yet again being the "martyr" I guess). I know it probably won't happen again because I don't generally have that luck lol...

But I have my life and am finding me again... finding focus in my studies, in my art & photography,  and in my times with my niece & nephew.  Finding new focus and hopes instead of wanting things I wanted as a child because for some people we may never be more than a friend or an aunt and thats ok. Because maybe we were chosen to not have children or partners etc for reasons we may not ever know...

One of my fav quotes I've been reminding myself of lately is as follows:

" This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up." - Marilyn Monroe.

"Just give me a reason,Just a little bit's enough..."

It's so far been exactly 4 weeks today that I acted on my decision to take time out from my life... A sabbatical from my life as KF put it to me when I had no idea what to call my decision. 

A decision I wasn't sure was a good one to make considering the little fight it caused when discussed a month or 2 previously with someone whose opinion and advice mattered a lot, But I made the decision and acted on it because for just about 2yrs what have I done for me?

I've supported and been there for everyone else and helped everyone else and got hurt in the process. So taking time out to find me and enjoy just being me, I felt was long overdue in some aspects. I know tho in taking time out I'm also helping "P" out for awhile so she can take the kids on a trip of a lifetime... so in a way its still not doing something for myself but I've never been a selfish person...

So far the past month I have managed to get a merit on my first assignment for the year. See one of my closest friends I haven't seen since I was 18 and realise how much I miss my life in Wellington.  As well as deciding on new goals and trying to find my focus...

The downside to it all is realising I have far too much time on my hands and do far too much thinking about life etc. In doing so I've realised that my decisions the past year or two have probably hurt more people then I realised, But I thought I was making them for the right reasons. 

I left Auckland in the hopes that the harassment would stop because if I wasn't in the same city as "him," she had no reason to harass me. I left "him" because I wanted him to be happy with her and have the life he desered, full of happiness etc. I did hope he wouldn't see me leaving as me walking away from our friendship or abandoning "him" as im not that kind of person but as the months go on I do think its more and more a possibility now. We haven't seen each other in 8.5mnths, I don't remember the last ph call and the last text I got was pretty much implying im causing him to have things fallapart... I miss my friend the one I could discuss anything and everything with, the hugs when I need one and just the silly laughs. 

I also left Auckland hoping that coming home to Wellington would mean I could have life how it was before the previous months had happened.  That I wouldn't be hurting or beat myself up over everything,  I'd find my focus and a new job and reconnect with friends I'd left the previous August like nothing had changed too much.

Unfortunately it didn't turn out that way,  instead I discovered I'd lost another of my close friends "JA" due to the situation and life wasn't going to be the Normal it was when I left. I still was going to hurt from what had been happening and feel like id lost something but unsure what...

I started my studies again after having to overcome seeing someone get something I wanted and deal with the fact I'm not going to get that in life. I had previously been ok with not getting that till I had a glimpse of possibility and hope only to have it slip away when I yet again decided to be a martyr as "he" used to put it.

But I pulled myself up and kept going because I had too which is how I find myself sitting on P's porch this morning trying not to bawl and writing....

Because I'm now feeling like I have completely lost everything.... because I don't seem to even have my friendship with "him" whom I used to be able to discuss everything with etc... our mutual bestfriend "A" said she would give me a call so we could try fix our friendship after issues last yr but that was october and I've given up waiting as she obviously doesn't care...

My other bestie is on the otherside of the world and the time difference is a killer these days as im up early with niece & nephew and therefore in bed earlier then I normally would be too which is making it hard to skype... but her sweet fbk msgs bring a giggle...

My sister has had a lot going on and so even catching her at a free moment is hard enough.

I know & believe everything happens for a reason... that life supposedly doesn't have things happen just to screw with us.... but it honestly feels like it does at the moment...

And somehow through it all I have to keep focus and remind myself that apparently life gets easier and a lil less painful with each passing day... (altho I am yet to see that lol).

But I am reminding myself each day of the following quote “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” - Robert F. Kennedy

"I'm gonna pick up the pieces, And build a Lego house If things go wrong we can knock it down"

So with feeling like I have been falling/stumbling a lot the past few months with so much, I made a decision i had previously considered but discarded due to some opinions. Another extremely gut-wrenching decision but one that benefits my niece & nephew more than anything. As well as being able to hopefully give me some perspective on my life.

So far its been 4weeks this week and I have to say it is definitely not getting any easier, as not only do I feel like I am living in some forgotten land I also feel like I have practically lost everything and everyone I care about or hold dear to me.  Its just about a year on since I left Auckland and I still find I cry myself to sleep a lot but I'm ok with that because at least i know I haven't completely lost my emotions.

I guess part of the reason i decided to come down for awhile was to try find me again. The happy go lucky pixie i was 2years ago. The one who didn't care what anyone thought because she didn't have to let them into her world. The one who because she had no life and no reason  to put herself out there, threw herself into her Artwork and crafting as well as study and work. So far I've picked up my camera once in 4wks, definitely not normal for someone whose camera used to be an extension of her arm. The good thing being I am at least focused on my studies and got a Merit for my 1st essay of the year.

Im still finding the positives in everyday, even though this town was one place i never thought id ever come back to for longer than 2wks holiday to see the family.... I am determined to survive and make the best of what I can because that is what I have always done. Lets just hope I don't lose my sanity while here though.

It seems though while here like I have ceased to exist though in a way. WHY? because since arriving some seem to have just removed me from life.... The ones that said they would always be there.... I know life gets busy but it just seems completely odd. But i will keep moving forward, picking up the pieces and building my lego house....

The start of that was the other week when I cut my hair short and dyed it purple... WHY? because they say change is as good as a holiday so i did it. I'm glad i did too, i guess its the first step on the way to finding me and my lil world again, of getting over the pain and broken promises etc...... Just don't anyone give me a cat or I will probably end up a crazy cat lady...

Its 3months till I plan on heading back to Welly, so lets  hope i survive this and keep picking up the pieces.... because they say pain lessens with time...  I hope they are right!

"I will stumble & fall, I'm still learning to love, Just starting to crawl..."

It's been more than awhile since I've been able to sit and write without bursting into tears. Finally now 8 months later I'm numb enough to write and be ok with it and my life as it is now. 2014 has been here 3months already!

The past 8 months hasn't been easy and just like the lyrics in the title I am sure I've been stumbling &  falling more than anything else.

I have learned that you can never fully trust anyone as they are only out to make their own lives better and to hell with who they hurt.  I've learned that one true friend is better than many who say they are there for you, and I'm totally grateful my bestie who is miles away on the other side of the world is still with us today. She reminds me everyday how to be resilient and smile even when it hurts like hell. To be myself even when everyone else expects me to be what they want... I'm truly grateful to have her as part of my life. 

I have learned that making what you think is the right decision altho it maybe right can also be painful.  That no matter how you see it someone else will always poke holes in it and make you feel like an idiot no matter what the reasons behind it are.  They don't realise that deep down you could be beating yourself up about it as it is and just end up making you feel lousy. It's not their fault they just don't see things how you do and that's ok... everyone has their own opinions etc.

I have also learned that no matter how much you believe in someone and believe they care, they can hurt you just as much as someone you don't know. It's reality, a fact of life and there's not a darn thing can be done about it.

Smiling and saying you're ok at least makes others happy while on the inside you're tearing yourself apart trying to make sense of the decisions you made.  Thankfully  one always remembers that she's made the best decisions she could at the time and made them because it made others happy. 

I may not have the life I thought id have 2yrs ago... or even 5 yrs ago. My opinions on things may have become a lil more cynical and I may have  given up believing in some things.... BUT at least I am still striving towards my main couple of goals.

1. To finish my degree - which is going well at the moment.  I'm finding correspondence a lot better for the simple fact when I'm sick I'm still able to study, albeit a lil slower than other days.

2. To take each day as it comes & find a positive in it. Like the sun shinning or a flower blooming etc.

Life is what we make it and as long as I'm ok with my decisions and can get thru each day even if I cry it means its a good day.

I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to be like everyone else getting married, having babies or even dating.  Bcos its not something I can do bcos of the past and the issues caused, I may never find another "safe" as my sister put it but at least I can say I'm ok with life and keep moving forward...

As long as I can smile & know everyone around me is ok and happy etc then I'm ok with that....

End of Summer Fun.....

So  the rugrats and I decided since it was just us three home  as "P" had to work that we would head off to the park for lunch.... 

I hadn't really been to Queens Park since I was my nephews age as, I remember after awhile we became too cool in our heads to hang out there lol... Yet when I was younger I used to think it was this Magical place where life could change...

That the bronze statues would come alive and that the Eagle could fly me to Neverland.... I guess that was my way of escaping life as a child....

But the kids and I had a great time! Picnic lunch and all! :-) 

Changing changing Changing

So while making decisions I decided to have a change... So I splashed out for an expensive hair cut and then was  convinced I should pop colour thru so went a radical violet LOL

the results as follows......